Keep Holding On

Chapter Four

It’s been about a month since those rumors started about me and they’re only just starting to die down. I’m amazed at how long people can keep the gossip going. Even I’ve basically forgotten about that weekend, why can’t anybody else?

For a week or so now, I’ve had the worst nagging feeling that I’m forgetting something. I just can’t for the life of me figure out what it is. I’ve checked my car’s oil, in case my mind is warning me that it might be low, I’ve check with all of my teachers to see if I’m missing any assignments, but I’m not. I’ve even talked to my parents to see if they wanted me to do something that I forgot about, but they just gave me weird looks and told me to get some sleep.

“Hey Boo.” Haley says, walking up behind me and linking my arm with hers, “I need a favor.” She whispers, looking around to make sure that nobody’s looking.

“Okay…” I say warily, looking around too.

“I left my tampons at home today and I really need some quarters to get some from the damn machine.” She whispers. I grin, Haley hates talking about feminine products. I think it’s because her mom acts as though a period is the devil’s curse on women.

“Yeah, sure, I have some in m…” I trail off, realization crashing down on me. “Oh god no.” I whisper before running to the bathroom. Inside, I throw my backpack to the side and cup my head in my hands as I begin to pace.

“Elle, what’s wrong?!” Haley asks worriedly.

With tears in my eyes, I look up at her pleadingly. “If I ask you to do me a favor, can you just not ask any questions?” I ask.

She nods quickly and I begin digging through my bag to hand her some money, “I need you to go to the store and buy me an EPT.” I say with a shaky whisper.

Her eyes widen and look down to my stomach before taking the bill and running out. I sit in the bathroom for the next twenty minutes biting my fingernails. If I’m pregnant, I’m so f****d. I’m in my junior year of high school, what the hell am I going to do with a kid? Maybe I’m just having an odd month. It’s happened in the past. Yes, I’m sure that’s what this is. Just and off month.

Haley comes running in with a brown paper bag in her hand. She hands it to me with shaking fingers, “Are you sure you want to do it here?” She asks. I nod, “My mom is home all the time, she’s way more likely to figure it out if I do it at home.” I say and I go into the stall. I have no idea what to do with one of these things so I read the directions on the back.

1. Hold in urine stream for five seconds only.

The directions continue on about the length of time to wait, but I’ll get there later. I’ve never had to pee on anything before, so it’s one of the more awkward things I’ve done in my life. Once I’m finished, I exit the stall and read the directions again. ‘a flashing hourglass is shown on the Display demonstrating that the test is working correctly. Within three minutes, the test will stop flashing and the result will appear.’

“In three minutes, my life could change forever.” I mumble to Haley who’s standing nervously beside me.

She pulls me into a hug and rubs my back, “No matter what happens, you’ve got so many friends and family who will stand by your side.” She whispers.

I shake my head, “I’m only seventeen years old! How could I have let this happen?” I ask, crying.

“Okay, I realize that abstinence is the only surefire way not to get pregnant, but you were a virgin who used a condom. The odds were stacked against you, so if there really is a baby inside of you, it was meant to happen, Ellie.” Even though her words are those of encouragement, she looks about as scared as I am.

I nod, even though I doubt her, and look down at the test. “Shit.” I whisper at the words that are right in my hand.

“What does it say?” She asks. I hold the stick up for her to see and hear a gasp from behind us. We both spin around to see a girl who I’ve seen around school now and then. She turns and runs from the room with Haley calling out to her, “Gemma no!” but it’s too late, she’s out and probably on her way to tell the entire school what she’s seen.

“Well,” Haley says, eyeing the stick again, “At least this rumor will be true.”

“Yeah, but how do I tell my parents?” I ask, trying not to glare at the test. “I mean, they’re cool about a lot of things, but I vaguely recall my father joking about kicking my sister and I out if either of us got pregnant. I have nowhere else to go, Haley.”

“I’ve known Mitch since we were four, Elle. I don’t think he’s about to do that to you. Your family is closer than any I’ve ever met. There’s no way they won’t be there for you.” She says supportively.

I put the test in the paper bag it came in and chuck it into the trash, “Wanna come over tonight and help me break the news to my parents?” I ask sadly. My entire future depended on that test saying ‘not pregnant’ and it failed me.

“For sure. Through thick and thin, I’ll be by your side.” She says, handing my bag to me. I wipe the last of my tears and head towards my next class, feeling more like a zombie than myself.

***

“Oh hello Haley, Elle didn’t tell me you were stopping by today.” Mom answers the door happily.

I can hear the nervous wobble in Haley’s voice as she responds, “Well, I hope it’s okay…”

“Of course it is, you know you’re always welcome here honey!” Mom says, pulling her into the living room where I’m watching TV with my Dad. Haley comes and sits beside me, taking my hand as I call Mom back into the room before she can head into the kitchen.

“Hey Dad, would you mind turning off the TV for a second?” I ask feeling my whole body begin to shake.

He gives me a weird look before nodding his head and turning it off, “Of course.”

I bite my lip and grip Hales’ hand, finding myself unable to speak. “Uh, Ellie, did you actually want to say something, or…” Dad says, trailing off, clearly confused.

“No, I have to tell you guys something but I really don’t want to say it.” I whisper as tears fill my eyes.

“Oh honey, what’s wrong?” Mom asks, reaching over and grabbing my free hand.

“I’m pregnant.” I sob. “When you guys went to visit Norah, April brought me to this party and there was alcohol there. I ended up getting drunk and having s*x with this guy. I’m so sorry, I never meant for this to happen!”

Both of them just stare at me with empty looks as I sit waiting for them to kick me out of the house. Mom speaks first, her voice sounding far away, “You’re pregnant?”

I nod, “I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me! I know that you both probably can’t even stand to look at me anymore, but I’m sorry. Just please don’t kick me out.” I sob.

Mom’s hand tightens around mine as she gives me a sad smile, “Honey, we don’t hate you. It’s a lot to take in all at once. I for one am glad that you’ve come to us about this instead of being like those girls you hear about who wait until they’re showing to let people find out.”

I feel a huge weight off my chest at her words and look at Dad. He’s still sitting there with the same expression, only now there’s a thin line of tears at the corner of his eyes, “Daddy.” I whisper, fresh tears falling down my face. I’ve made my father cry and it’s the worst feeling in the world… worse than finding out I’m pregnant.

“I can’t talk about this right now.” He says before jumping from the chair and rushing outside. New sobs wrack my body as the sound of the door slamming echoes in my ears.

Mom moves closer to me and hugs my head to her chest, “He’ll be okay, sweety, just give him some time.” She murmurs in my ear. I nod and hug her waist, slightly embarrassed that even though I’m about to be a mother, I’m still finding comfort in my mom’s hugs.

“So.” Mom says once I’ve calmed down a bit, “How positive are you that you’re pregnant? Have you seen a doctor yet?”

“Well, I took a Clearblue digital one this afternoon, and those are 99% accurate once you’ve missed your period, and mine was due a couple weeks ago.” I say, feeling ashamed that I never noticed.

“Okay.” She sighs, wiping her hands down her face, “I’ll make some calls and get you in to see the doctor as soon as possible.” I nod and thank her before she goes to the kitchen.

“That wasn’t terrible.” Haley says hopefully.

“I made my dad cry.” I say monotonously. “I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me, or that I can forgive myself for that.”

“I’m sure he was just shocked huh, like your mom said, it’s a lot to take in.” I nod even though I don’t believe her.

“Well thanks for coming, but I kind of want to be alone now.” I tell her softly.

“I understand. See you at school tomorrow?” She asks, standing to walk to the door.

I nod, “Definitely… gotta see what Gemma started telling everybody.” I say, rolling my eyes. In reality, I’m not even upset that she’s probably spreading rumors about me. It was bound to get out sometime.

“Alright, see ya.”

“Bye.” I say, closing the door softly behind her.

I go up to my room and text Norah, ‘Wanna chat?’

A few minutes later she replies with ‘Sure, but I’ve only got a few minutes.’ I turn on my laptop and curl my legs into an Indian position, waiting for the little bubble to pop up saying she’s available. Within moments, we’re face to face.

“Hey girl!” She says smiling. Suddenly her face changes as she studies the screen. “Have you been crying?”

“Hi.” I respond dryly, “Yeah, I have. I’ve gotta tell you something. I just told Mom and Dad, so you’re next on the list.”

“Okay…” She looks concerned.

I take a deep breath as tears well up in my eyes. Telling people about it is almost worse than actually being pregnant. “I’m having a baby.” I tell her.

She looks even more confused, “So? I had to have a baby in Junior Health too… they make everybody do that, why are you crying?”

I snort a laugh, wishing it was that simple. “No, Norah, I’m pregnant.” I explain.

Her jaw drops and her hand flies up to cover her mouth. “No you’re not.” She denies.

I nod with a teary, sad smile, “I am.”

“But Elle, you’re seventeen.” She says, as though I don’t realize that.

“Yeah.” I acknowledge, wishing there was something incredibly wise she could tell me that would change the situation, but there’s nothing she can say that will make this better.

“Wow.” She whispers.

“I know.” I whisper back.

“So you told Mom and Dad?” She asks.

I nod, “Mom took it as well as I could ever hope for and Dad ran out crying.” I say, almost crying again at the thought of it.

“Dad cried?” She asks in shock. I nod understanding her surprise at that. In my entire life, I’ve only seen Dad cry one time, and that doesn’t even count since it was the wind that caused it.

“Whoa.”

“So, on the plus side, you’re going to have a niece or nephew in approximately eight months.”

“I’m just so sad that you have to go through this, Elle. I wish I could be there with you.” She says sadly. We’ve always been just a little closer than most sisters. We’re best friends too, so being so far away is even more painful.

“It’s okay, you just keep getting yourself one of them edgimications and I’ll be fine.” I tell her winking. She chuckles before saying goodbye so she can write a paper for History.

With a sigh, I grab my phone. I’ve just got one more phone call to make.

“Hello?” April’s voice comes through the phone sounding bored.

“Hey.” I say nervously.

“What’s up?” She asks, sounding a little happier now.

“I’ve got something to tell you. But before I do, you have to promise me not to freak out or go hunting the person down, okay?”

“Did that d**k that you slept with give you a STD?” She asks angrily.

“Just agree.” I sigh.

She waits a few seconds before saying, “Fine.”

With a deep breath, I say, “I’m pregnant.” I hear a thud and some muffled cussing before her voice comes through the line clearer.

“I’m sorry, I think I misheard you, what was that?” She asks politely.

“I’m pregnant. You heard me just fine.” I say calmly. Other than Haley, she’s been the easiest to tell.

“That son of a b***h, who is he?” She demands. Until now, I’ve kept that part a secret. Knowing April, she would’ve tracked the poor guy down and given him hell for taking my virginity. Now it’s worse, she could track him down and break the news that he’s got a baby on the way with a complete stranger.

“I’d rather not say.” I tell her, same as the million times before now.

“Eloise Violet Danfort, tell me who the hell he is!” She says, sounding frustrated.

“I’ve told you every time that you’ve asked, April Emily Danfort, that I won’t do that. I tell you everything else about my life, just let this one be.” I say tiredly.

“Well, don’t you think he deserves to know?” She asks.

I close my eyes and take a calming breath, “Yes, actually I do.” I say softly, “I just have to figure out how to tell him, because I’m positive I don’t want him finding out from my crazy cousin.” I explain.

“I’m not crazy.” She whispers.

I laugh, “Yes you are, and you know it!”

“Whatever, a little crazy never hurt anybody.” She complains. I can just imagine her face as she says that, rolling her eyes and all.

“You’re right, but this news could change his life if he chooses to acknowledge the kid. He deserves to be told without getting smacked for it in the process.”

“I would not have smacked him.” She tells me, but I know it’s a lie. She loves smacking guys when she’s mad.

“Okay, Ape, you wouldn’t have smacked him.” I say instead of disagreeing, knowing that nobody will win that argument.

She huffs on the other line before getting back to the original topic, “So when did you find out?” She asks.

“Today at lunch. I did the test at school and some girl saw it, so I’m sure by tomorrow everybody will know that I’m knocked up.”

“That sucks. You know what this reminds me of? Juno!” She says excitedly.

I groan, “April, this has absolutely nothing to do with Juno other than the teenage pregnancy thing. She was best friends with the guy, she didn’t make her father cry, people weren’t calling her a slut, and she gave the baby up for adoption.”

“But still, it’s kinda the same.” She says indignantly.

I roll my eyes, finding it difficult not to be amused by this girl, “Alright, maybe it’s a tiny bit similar.” I respond purely for her benefit. I can imagine the huge smile on her face now, “Told you so.” She giggles.

I sigh and check my clock, “It’s getting late and I still have some homework to do. I’ll talk to you tomorrow though, okay?”

“Sure. Can I tell my parents?” She asks.

I bite my lip, it should probably come from me, but I just don’t want to tell anybody else, “I guess.”

“Okay, bye.” She says excitedly before hanging up. Only she would find joy in learning that I’m about to be a teenage mother.

I get out my homework and begin trying to memorize element from the Periodic Table of Elements along with their numbers. Just as I’m about to set it aside to practice, a soft knock comes through my door, “It’s open.” I call out curiously.

The door cracks open and Dad’s face appears. Instantly, butterflies take flight in my belly as I wonder how this is going to go. Is he going to tell me that I’m no longer his daughter? Is he going to cry more? Because if he does, it’s seriously going to break my heart.

“Can I come in?” He asks. I nod wordlessly, finding myself unable to talk. He walks in and moves to my bed, sitting down right in front of my curled up legs.

“Look, I’m sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have left like that. It was clear that you needed us, but I just needed some time to grasp what you told us.” He explains. I nod my head again, feeling my nose start to tingle telling me I might cry soon. I take a deep breath, trying to stop the waterworks. Dad continues talking, “I guess I still look at you as my little girl, but you’re not anymore. You’re about to become an adult and this was kind of like getting a bucket of ice water thrown on me. I’m scared for you and worried about how you’re going to handle all of this new responsibility.”

I nod thoughtfully once more before speaking, “I know what you mean. Look, I’m not going to go into detail since that would probably make this ten times more awkward than it already is, but we were careful, and it was my first and only time. Not to make light of the situation, but as Haley pointed out, with those odds, maybe this baby was meant to be. Don’t get me wrong, I know I shouldn’t have had s*x in the first place, but since it’s happening, I want to make it a good thing. I don’t want to go through this whole pregnancy with the baby feeling me hate it. I want to love it, but I can’t if you hate me.” I say, one tear falling at the end.

Dad gives me a sympathetic look and pulls me into a hug, “Honey, I could never hate you. If anything, I’m disappointed in the choices you made. But, like your mother said earlier, it seems like you’re making intelligent decisions now and that’s all I can ask for at this point. We can’t turn back the clock, so we’ve got to make do with what we’ve got.” I cry harder with the relief I now feel.

“I’m so glad that you said that.” I tell him with a wobbly smile as I wipe my eyes. I sniffle before saying, “You used to joke about throwing me and Norah out of the house if we came home pregnant so I was afraid you were going to make me leave.”

“Oh honey,” He laughs, wiping the fresh tears for me and kissing my forehead, “I could never throw you out. I didn’t mean it when I said that, I was just hoping I’d scare you into abstinence.” He teases.

I grin, “Clearly it only worked for one of us.” He chuckles again and I’m glad to see that he’s not so unhappy anymore.

“Well, I should probably let you get back to your homework. I’ll see you tomorrow after school?” He asks, standing and moving to the door.

I nod and pick up my flashcards, “Night Daddy.”

“Night Baby.”