Our beginning

Get your tissues ready for our second and third year together....

In many ways our second year together brought us closer than the first. We were in the pop-up camper until around August and it didn't bother us one bit because we had each other. Marky, me, Johnie and Brian and we had Camo who added humor and so much love to our lives. We brought all the kids Alex and Sammy included to Adventure Land, stayed at a hotel and went swimming.

We traveled all over and worked on vehicles together. Having so little to worry about in our lives seemed so free.

We moved back in with my Dad for a short amount of time but at a new address, I could tell that something was wrong with him and he wasn't doing well but I didn't think it was as serious as things would get. He hid his pain from me as much as he possibly could so that I didn't worry about him, I know so much more about his pain now than I had ever known as he was going through it all.

Halloween was so much fun, we went out all dressed up with all 4 of my children. Stopped at families houses and went through this neighborhood and that neighborhood until we were all to tired to keep going. Ohh yeah I forgot to mention that my Dad had given us our 99 Toyota Camry and we also had a Suburban at that time, the truck broke down on us. We were so proud of ourselves for buying that Suburban! The moment I was told $800 and we could have it I started gathering the cash up and hustling to make it ours. We had the money in 5 days and started fixing everything we could afford to fix on it.

I ended up having to find Camo a new home because I couldn't have him in the truck for the long hours we were working and my Dad would let him out of the kennel then outside to a fenced in yard that had the gate open. My Dad's memory was going, his cancer had spread through his lymph system to his brain stem and in many ways it was noticeable but we didn't know what was going on. You get the idea... I had to find him multiple times and didn't want him to end up at the humane society, shot by some i***t who was scared of a happy loving dog or hit by a car so I did what I felt was best for him.

Then a couple months later we were on a job changing out brakes, rotors and calipers when we were told about a house not far from where we were that was for rent. I'm a quadruple felon so it's not easy for me to find my own place, which is why I hadn't gotten my own place yet and when this man heard our story he told us to check the house out and let him know what we think. As we got close to the neighborhood the house was in I realized where we were and started telling Mark I wasn't sure about this but the moment I laid eyes on the house from the outside I knew we were meant to be here.

"Marky, if we go in this house we're going to be moving in. I hope you know that." he looked at me like I was crazy but we went in, fell in love and soon after moved in.

I was so happy to have my own house, a home big enough to grow in! A huge house with a gutted second floor and a full basement that I could do anything I wanted to!! We put our mattresses on the floor and we all 4 slept in the front room together the first night we were there. It was a lot to take in after living here, there and everywhere and I'm glad Johnie fell asleep so easily. After a couple hours of laying there, we started to hear dogs fighting.... I was heart broken and so glad that Camo had a new home where he didn't have to listen to vicious barks, howls and squeals of pain. The echos filled the house long into the night. That was the only night we heard the dogs fighting but from then on the house was filling up with our belongings.

I was so happy to have my own place that we had a huge 4th birthday party for Johnie and I cooked all our favorites for Thanksgiving, Marky got his drivers license and we had a nice night for his birthday, we got a real pine Christmas tree and it smelled so amazing!! We even celebrated New Years at home, it was so nice to have a home. The only thing wrong with our area was that the police told us it was a very dangerous area. I had already known that and tried to tell my husband but he didn't care so we settled in.

In reality, all areas can be dangerous depending on who you are and how you live will make roots in an area or will get you in trouble whether by the people around you or the police.

I knew something was wrong with my Dad and I had asked him where he was moving and if he wanted to come stay with us but he refused. He was going to take a trip to Florida and bask in the sun in hopes that it would make him feel better. I so wished I could go with but we were planning to empty my storage unit into the house and we couldn't afford to pay bills and go on a vacation even though it would be our last chance to go. I didn't know that at the time though. For a month I worried about him and begged God to protect him, to send him home safe to us. I posted on social media to find him when he would vanish for days and I prayed more than I had ever prayed before. When he did get back I understood why he didn't need a place to stay, he admitted himself to the Iowa City University Hospital where we were informed that he had Stage 4 Colan Cancer and at best they believed that he only had 6 months to live.

I was floored, I didn't know how to react, I didn't know what to do or what to say. I wanted to help him but he didn't seem to be doing anything the way I was use to, he was listening to the doctors and deep down I knew he was going to die. I tried so hard to keep myself together but it wasn't possible. I drank on a regular basis and couldn't deal with all the people that wanted to touch me and tell me how sorry they were. Sometimes I could swear their touch sent feelings through my body that didn't feel my own, I had way to much going on already to be dealing with anything more. I just wanted to be left alone and I wanted to take my Dad out of that stressful situation and help him to heal. I've never felt like doctors or hospitals healed people, they are there for surgery and nature is there to heal. I believe that more now than I did at that time to be honest, things unfold in crazy ways.

We visited him as often as we could while he was in the hospital, Iowa City is an hour away from us so we left days open for our commute back and forth. We ended up having to make time to empty out my Dad's 2 very large storage units into our home and in so many ways it killed my spirit. My Dad was dying, my new house was pretty much a hoarder heaven and I was drinking myself numb on a daily basis while no one noticed.

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Our 2 year wedding anniversary came and went so fast that all I really remember is having a get together at the house, seeing different people through out the day and eating something that I cooked. My Dad came to our home for Easter it was the only time he came to my home in the year that we lived there while he was alive. He skipped around the house with the biggest smile on his face telling me how much he loved the house before I got baked potatoes and asparagus out of the oven for him, with Amish town butter he had given me from his visit there before the hospital and freshly chopped garlic. If I only had known then what I know now I could have kept him with us just a little while longer but he had made his mind up and he was as stubborn as they come. He didn't stay long and that wasn't a surprise to be honest. I would always be his princess but I would never be his favorite.

We spent Alex's birthday and Mother's Day together, ate cake and they gifted me a climbing rose bush which I love very much.

After I brought Alex and Sammy to see my Dad for Father's Day I wasn't allowed to see them anymore. Brian had been taken also and then he ran away. My mom hurts people when she feels like they love each other more than they love her. She hated my Dad, still did until the day she died even though he had been gone for years. She had this love, hate thing with me ever since her boy friend tried to have s*x with me and I told her in hopes she would leave him but instead she blamed me. The worst part is that every time my daughter had something happen that dhs appeared talking about her being touched inappropriately my mom pointed the finger and they never even look at him, when I said something they wouldn't listen.

It tore me apart watching my Dad wither away slowly and it hurts to even talk about it still but in this horrible time of hurt so many beautiful things happened.

My Dad was moved to hospice after a couple months which was closer than he had been so we visited a few times a week. My Dad made us promise to take care of each other and be by each others side, he told us that things were going to get worse in years to come and that he wished he could be around to guide us through the world we would be living in. At times I wasn't sure what he was talking about but I loved the conversation and I loved how much he loved my husband as his own. Other residents there started to recognize us from visiting often and would stop to chat or give us hugs and tell us how happy they are to see us again. I brought food and books, I tried to get him to let me buy him some shoes but he wouldn't allow that. I really enjoyed my chats with the veteran that would follow me out so he could smoke a cigarette while I snuck one myself. I had quit for 2 years at that time and promised myself I'd quit again once all the stress was a bit lessened.

We spent our last October together that year... our birthdays are in the second week of October and I made sure to be there with my homemade pumpkin pie to feed him, he wasn't moving around very well but my pumpkin pie was his favorite along with my chicken fried rice so he got what he wanted since I knew he was going to pass soon I wanted to make him as happy as I could. I brought him flowers from my garden and tomatoes I had grown also. As the month went by we slowly lost him and I wasn't there when his body gave up but as my husband always tells me, I was there when his spirit left his body to whatever adventure he went on from there and he was there with me in spirit after I got the news that his body had passed.

When he was at the point where his body stiffened and he could no longer move freely or speak my family told me I should come without children and sit with him for a while. Mark and I played music that we knew he liked and sang with each other, when the time was getting close to about 8 pm he handed me my tablet with a song he had picked just for me to sing to my Daddy," You can let go now Daddy" was the perfect good bye and as I finished singing to him he squeezed my hand twice and then as we sat there the wind chimes that he requested be there that were my grandmother's started to chime as if there was wind and before I could react he turned his head, tightened his grip on my hand and started saying no a few times, jabbered on in a language unknown, then his body calmed back down and his grip was gone from my hand. Mark and I had both agreed that this really happened because we both were there and no doors or windows were open. I've always believed in spirits and I whole heartily believe that someone was there to help my Dad transition to the other side and that his spirit left. When my aunt called me to let me know that my Dad's body had passed away, I slowly walked to the top of the stairs and almost got attacked by one of my dogs which was strange but I didn't realize why just yet. As I sat on the top step of my second floor and started to cry a warm presence wrapped itself around me and held me as the beautiful sound of rain started to fall on to the roof above me.

I hate funerals and I hate that everyone wants to touch you at them but I loved some of the gifts I got like my parents wedding photos!! I hate how people show up that are only there because they're drama and how people pretend to care when they really don't. My family is no better than anyone else's when it comes to all that but I can say that every one of the people I wanted there was there other than Alex, Samantha and some of my favorite cousins. My family hates me because I left with my pregnant friend who was in early labor and we got it stopped at the hospital but I was at the burial the next morning in Salem and I sang with everyone and cried with everyone. Then to my surprise I was invited to my aunts for dinner and I accepted. I'm pretty much the loner type, I only like certain family and they all think I'm just too much. I'm open and honest, I don't like to sugar coat s**t is all. I'm the feral in the family, the wind child, the one that could rule the world if the world would just stop being so civilized.

When I got home though.... I don't know if I drank or just blacked out... the next 24 hours was an "I was gone moment" and the only reason I'm still here is my family I had at home was here for me, they didn't give up on me and they loved me. One of our neighbors suggested we go trick or treating and referred us to a little town near by that had a bonfire at a play ground every year and the police and fire vehicles drove around during trick or treat hours handing out large candy and showing off their vehicles to the children. It was the perfect distraction for all of us from the crazy stressful year we had just went through.

I made sure Johnie didn't miss a holiday that way he wasn't feeling the way I did. We celebrated his birthday, Thanksgiving, Mark's birthday we were snowed in and Christmas was depressing.... but we had my grandmother's Christmas Tree up and presents stacked high, I made food and we watched movies.

For our 3 year anniversary Marky got me a Suburban and I made him mad when I traded it for a puppy that I wanted more than anything, I named her Kena. I brought her everywhere with me, I still do! To be a little more open on the subject she had come from a dog fighter house and everyone in the neighborhood could hear her crying on the porch daily, she was beautiful and I wanted her so when the guy that lived there wanted my truck I told him $700 and the puppy. Done deal and she was worth it, she was even worth the lip I got from Mark because I didn't discuss it with him first.

Kena is our protector and a protector of children, she has abuse radar with kids and zeros in on it.

We visited my Dad's grave often and went to different parks regularly, things settled down and yes I had quit smoking cigarettes again if you had been wondering.

As always we worked on vehicles and stopped to help those we could on the way. I started getting into healthier eating and I cooked all the time, I absolutely love to throw a good homemade meal together. I got into learning about herbs and essential oils, I learned about coco butter and cocoa powder along with all types of pampering products. I fell in love with my skin and my hair again but I also realized that I had gained a good amount of weight and I didn't like it all.

Mark's sister finally divorced her scum bag husband and moved back in with their mom and dad.

We were doing really good and getting into the groove of things...

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The fall/winter of our 5th year married I got so sick that I seriously thought I was going to die.

Light bothered me, my head was throbbing and pulsating like it was going to bust straight out of my skull. I had a fever that wouldn't go away, I could barely breath, my appetite was gone and if I did try to eat it would come right back up. I was miserable and didn't want anyone near me, I woke up in a heavy sweat every time I got to sleep and Mark wouldn't leave my side. He didn't get sick though and I made sure Johnie kept his distance which was torture. I got really into essential oils after that, I made a mix that I still absolutely love. I also made homemade soup and when I couldn't eat the solid foods I would drink the broth and get what I could out of it.

As I anointed myself daily I could see a difference in how I was feeling and finally got to a point where I could eat again.

I never quite felt 100% though after that and I was concerned about the similar symptoms to what my Dad had been going through. Colan Cancer.... I didn't want to talk to anyone about it but at a certain point even going on motorcycle rides with my husband was painful and I couldn't figure out why. I Ecosia'd symptoms and looked into all types of information... everything lead right back to my biggest fear... I had been told that since my Dad had died from Colan Cancer I was at a larger threat of having it but I had never thought that it would actually happen. I had remembered how much it had killed my Dad to hear that diagnosis and be told he was going to die soon, I didn't want to give anyone that type of power over my mind so I pretended that it wasn't real. After a while my husband started to notice something was wrong and started asking questions, he wanted what was best for me but wasn't sure what that was. He was open to learning with me however I wanted to do things. I wanted to do it all holistically, natural methods only and no hospitals. We started with mail in tests that confirmed I was right and then I got into a female healing course that taught about crystals, meditation and herbs. It also got pretty far into female genes and how our feminine parts work with our bodies as a whole. Soaking in my oils and meditating was more help than I thought it was going to be but I needed more. I soaked often and started watching and listening to YouTube videos about history and health. After I had gotten as much as I could out of those courses I started getting into herb making courses and oil mixtures, playing with herbs in my cooking and seeing if I could make an oil mix that would help all my aliments. I actually came up with 2 mixtures that I absolutely love and feel that without them I wouldn't be around to do whatever it is my Dad, Grand Mother's and that Gypsy lady think I'm going to do.

I think my favorite oils will always be lavender, frankensence, myrrh, rosemary, clove, cinnamon and cardamom. I also love orange and lemon!!

I found a course about "The Leaky Gut" and I got really into it, I bought the course and I dove in like it was air for my lungs. I started doing more water fasts, I made sure to have 12 hours with no food just water a day. To be honest the 12 hour no eat thing was easy because I already put in my routine to not eat for at least 2 hours before bed time and then adding 8 hours of sleep that's already 10 hours of nothing but water. I started drinking lemon water with apple cider vinegar and making fruit smoothies. My favorite will always be blueberries, blackberries and raspberries with honey. I love honey and my favorite honey is jared only about 20 miles from my house.

The leaky gut info was an over load and I started going for hikes more often to get my mind off of things. There was this feeling that just wouldn't go away, I had gotten almost all of my symptoms to go away after learning what my pains were and how to do the cleansing that my body needed to be able to heal and then I found a course that was called Chris Cured Cancer. He explained that you had to want to heal and that some people's body's healed differently than others so what heals him might not heal someone else all the way. He talked about only having positive people around so that your stress load isn't overwhelming and to only do what you're comfortable with doing. From there I got really into Homeschooling Johnie and kind of stuck with going over the information that I had on hand.

Our 6 year anniversary was peaceful because I didn't want any attention drawn to my condition, we mainly ate and relaxed. A heavy storm hit the heart of the United States and trees were uprooted everywhere around us. We road around town helping people cut trees up and charging phones during the power outage, I had never seen the city I grew up in so dark in my entire life. We were lucky because the power was on pretty fast at our place, we live off of a highway so our poles get dealt with first that way the street lights are on for the travelers through town.

I think one of my favorite videos that I listened to was a woman that was talking about the lymphatic system and she said that she hadn't learned anything about the things she knew from school, that she had continued her education through experienced doctors and learned about how the lymph moves all the garbage out of your body. She talked about how you can get it moving with hot and cold water, herbs and spices, movements and massage. I loved every word because all the things she was saying were weird things that I did to calm my anxiety attacks... funny how I did some of it without knowing what exactly I was doing but I knew it made me feel better so I kept doing it.

Dr. Wolfe was my favorite though, I had been dealing with a sprange ankle and painful wrist for as long as I could remember. When he talked about intense massage therapy to rub away calcification build up and I did it with success I was bought on every word out of his mouth. As tmi as it is... he got real with poop, intestines and Colan Cancer, he talked about all the things I had been trying to get answers for and soon I started feeling better.

I had to keep to my diet so I started learning about what herbs to grow in my garden and researching the city laws on animals since I wanted chickens and ducks for eggs and meat. I found a local farmer to get milk and beef from, I wanted to find some land and raise all of our food.

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When we hit our 7 year anniversary I felt amazing and I started to notice how much older everyone around me looked. I was heart broken being able to look around and tell if someone had a bad liver or bad kidney, I had so much knowledge in my mind that most doctors didn't know and I wasn't sure what to do with it now that I was confident I was going to be alright. As sickness filled our streets things didn't seem to be getting any better, it seemed like a war was going to start any day with the way people treated each other and were raising their children to hate others. I wasn't sure what was going to happen next but I knew that my dreams had been getting more and more intense, my empathic feeling were making me need a quite space to organize my thoughts.