Before

ALICE Sino ba kasi ang may sabi na jowain ko ang best friend ko? Sino ba kasi ang nagpadala sa bugso ng damdamin nila? At sino ba ‘yong unang bumitaw? Well, there was never an us. There was never an us but there was something like almost us. Kaya nga siguro ang hirap bigkasin ng mga tanong na ito sa kanya. Sometimes I blame him for confessing his feelings to me. I was barely holding it in. I was almost convinced that it was just a random infatuation towards a close guy friend. But he suddenly pulled the trigger. He lit a fire in me. Namimiss ko ang mga araw na masaya pa kami. Ang mga araw na minsan ay hiniling ko na sana nakatira kami sa iisang bubong at buong araw na nag-aasaran. I miss the days when we were as close as siblings and we seemed so natural together. "Have you eaten?" he would ask with his low and gentle voice. If I would respond no he would smile and drag me to the nearest cafeteria and we would eat together. Libre pa nga niya. "Tumigil ka na nga diyan. You’re so ugly when you’re crying, don’t you know that?" Ito ang paborito niyang litanya every time my frustration and anxiety strikes me. While half frowning he would throw his towel on my face. Hindi niya ako matitiis. His soft spot for me was just enormous enough that he would lend me his favorite handkerchief only to use it as a tissue to wipe my tears and snots. "May sakit ka na naman? Diba tama ako, mauuna ka talagang mamamatay.” Panunukso niya sa akin habang binabalik ang lalagyan ko ng tubig na lagi niyang hinihiram kahit na umuubo-ubo na ako sa harap niya. I also had this toxic desire of dying early but he would take it as a joke to make me laugh. Isa ito sa hindi mabilang niyang mga kalokohan na binabato niya sa akin. His antics would either make me laugh or annoy me to the bone. Unfortunately, it was always the latter. Pero 'yon nga yung masaya. Mike and I were good friends; we have our inside jokes, we always went home together, we ate together. I let him use my stuff – of course, maliban sa mga bagay na hindi namin puwedeng hiramin sa isa’t isa – he lets me used what's his, I listen to his small rants at ganoon din siya sa akin. He was a calm person and a lot more mature compared to me, it must be the reason why I could listen to his rants. They surprisingly didn’t annoy me at all. Pero sa tingin ko lang hindi naman talaga mga rant yung mga ‘yon, mga opinyon niya lang ito tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay. Nagtutunog rants lang dahil madalas sa chat siya nagrereklamo at puro CAPS LOCK ang mga letra na ginagamit niya. I have gone to his house several times, slept there with our friends, we hanged out together. Then when his ex-girlfriend broke up with him, I was there listening to his thoughts, regrets, and sadness. We've been friends for years. I know this might sound selfish and ambitious but, I thought we could also become a great couple. We seemed compatible to each other. Sa tingin ko. Trip niya yung mga trip ko, trip ko rin ang mga trip niya. Ganun. Everyone around us thought we were going out. They were teasing us. Pero alam ko na hanggang imagine na lang ‘yon, hanggang biro na lang at hindi-hinding mangyayari. Subalit ‘yon ang inaakala ko. I thought I could do it. I thought I could protect our friendship. Ang maprotektahan ang kaisa-isang bagay na kumukonekta sa amin. Then, I realized na hanggang sabi-sabi ko lang sa sarili talaga ang mga ito. I mean nothing from those words. Lagi kong sinsabi na magkaibigan lang kami because I didn’t want to harm our friendship. But I like Mike. I was just so scared to take the risk. I remember jesting, "Kung barkada, barkada lang. 'Wag mong jojowain." It was my mantra. The reminder I subtly slipped in his head. It was like a brainwash phrase that I always hope he gets. Matalino naman siya, mas matalino pa kaysa akin. "I like you," he blurted out of the blue. It was too random we were busy piling the boxes inside the local council's storage room when he suddenly uttered the three words that I couldn't even afford to tell him. Mga salitang puwedeng sumira o makabubuti sa aming dalawa. "Kakaiba biro mo ngayon ah, baka naman nilalagnat ka diyan," I replied. That was the most natural reply I could say before. Nagulat ako sa sinabi niya. Sino ba kasi ang hindi magugulat? Ramdam ko ang panginginig ng mga kamay ko. Nihindi ko nga maipatong ng maayos ang mga papel na bitbit ko noon. I can still remember how hot my face was. I wonder how red it was back then. "Anong biro? Hindi ako nagbibiro and I'm not sick. Matagal na kitang gusto, for two years. Ang tagal ko lang na-realized because I was still dating Ana," sagot niya. He stopped lifting the heavy clusters of paper then looked into my eyes and since we were the only people in the storage room, I also couldn't help but look at him. When his stare was close to melting me away, I quickly averted my eyes and said,"Yup! May sakit ka nga. Dapat siguro umuwi ka na. Ako na tatapos sa mga ito, hm?" Mabilis ko siyang itinulak palabas ng storage room and locked myself alone. Ngunit sa katunayan ay napakasaya ko. My heart couldn't bear the happiness it was almost scary. No. I was scared, so scared. Natatakot ako dahil ang saya-saya ko. Pero kahit takot ako ginawa ko pa rin ang bagay na akala ko ay hindi maiiwasan. I let him express his feelings to me. I let him care more than the way he did before his confession. We were so intimate that we were almost a couple. Almost. Yet, regardless of how we treated each other, I still couldn't take the step to move our relationship higher than of a fling. But things had happened. Distorted thoughts had appeared. Isang araw, nawala na lang lahat. Up until now hindi ako makapaniwala na pinatulan ko ang best friend ko. Pinatulan namin ang isa't isa. That was the dumbest thing I have ever done in my life. Ang bagay na matagal ko nang inaasahan ay nangyari na. Because I simply thought it was the only way that there were no detours. Siguro dahil na rin sa nagpadalos-dalos ako ng desisyon. I tainted our polished friendship. We tainted the friendship that we once had. Dumating ang araw na pakiramdam niya na napipilitan lang ako, lalo na at siya ang unang umamin. I never told him about my feelings. I never corrected him. Hindi ko sinabi sa kanyan na gusto ko ang mga nangyayari sa aming dalawa. I was just so scared to get rid of my walls. They were so high that even I could not afford to take them down. He gave me the cold shoulder. One evening, I've decided to tell him my thoughts, my reason, all of it. Yet, they were sent in a wrong time and manner. Sabi pa nga niya, "Akala ko drunk chat, ang haba kasi." Yes, I chatted what I felt. Ang fail diba? But what else can I do? He was my first romance and I didn’t know what should I do, I didn’t know what to feel. I wasn't even sure if my feelings were valid since we were just friends who have a little something for each other. Pakiramdam ko naglalaro lang ako. Pero ang sakit lang ng larong ‘yon, tagos sa puso. Hindi ako sigurado kung ano ang nasa isip at naramdaman ni Mike after reading my message but after a while, he started ignoring me. We grew apart from each other. Gone was the inside jokes, the going home together, and eating together. We're still friends but we became awkward. Awkward. Nakalimutan ko na nga kung paano kami mag-usap bago nangyari ang gulo sa pagitan naming dalawa. I knew it would happen. I knew that from the very beginning, but I still let my emotions swept me away. I never thought of thinking, never thought of communicating. I bottled them inside my heart. Heavy and near collapsing. If only I could turn back time and put all the things in the right places. "Magkaibigan pa rin naman tayo, diba?" isang beses tinanong niya ako nito. Nag-uusap pa rin naman kami ng mga panahon na ‘yon, nagcha-chat, at nagkikita. But again, things were so awkward. Sa kasalukuyan, after 6 years I have received an invitation from Mike, it is for his wedding. He's getting married while here I am still bitter about the past. Di nga ako sure kung bitter ako kasi nauna siya na kinasal o bitter ako kasi hindi kami ang ikakasal. Nang maisip ko ang huling dahilan ay nakaramdam ako pagsikip ng dibdib and that's when I realized the answer — I am still hoping to be his bride. How ambitious of me.