Mentally in love

Chapter two - Mental issues

Dean's POV:

Hello, my name is Dean Harris. I am a twenty-three-year-old boy. My life is not easy at all. I have made decisions and done things that I regret, but it's too late. I can't do anything about that. When I was only eighteen, I made one of the big decisions in my life. I have tried to hurt myself many times. The doctors said I was lucky to be alive. I would've been gone if the ambulance had come ten minutes later. I took this as a chance to get better. That's why I made it look like I was dead. There was a funeral and a coffin. I was hiding there to make sure they wouldn't open the coffin. Otherwise, they would see it was empty. Of course, I have left my parents a note. I'm glad they did this for me. Now, they can focus on my brother, Leo. He always has been better, and I'm proud he is not like me. After that, I went to a mental hospital. I knew that I needed help. Since I wasn't an adult, I needed my parent's signature. I wanted to do this for quite a while. One day, I saw my parents working at home. They were signing some documents, so I sneaked mine in between. Luckily, they didn't see them. I told the woman in the reception that my parents were on a trip. One look at me was enough for her to let me in. My appearance is not bad, but my eyes can tell the truth. I was never a good liar. That's why I was quiet and denied everything if I wanted to hide something. Now, this hospital has been my home for almost five years. Things were not getting better. I stayed because I had nowhere else to go. Well, soon I will go home. I realized that I couldn't take advantage of these people. They take care of me, but I can't be here forever. I started saying the right words and saying that I felt better. After a couple of weeks, I will be able to go home. I hope that things won't get the way they used to be.

I have talked with some of the people in the hospital. One man is staying here because the workers care about him. He doesn't have mental issues or any problems. I can consider him as my only friend here. When I was eighteen, I met a little girl. She was five years younger. This girl was annoying, but she was distracting me from my thoughts. She asked too many questions, but I got used to that. I don't know if she remembers me, but I do.

I woke up and went to get ready for the day. Later, I sat down on the bed. At least I am alone in my room. I'm not feeling better, but at least I stopped using substances to hurt myself. That is a good sign. I won't lie. I tried to do it multiple times. Once, I almost did it. Since then, one woman searched all my stuff and me in case I was hiding more. I didn't like her because of that, but I know she did it to help me. After some time, I went for breakfast. Jeremy was already there.

- Hey, you are late.

- I'm sorry.

- Are you ok? What's that mood?

- I'm still sleepy.

- Well, head up because there is bingo today.

- I'm twenty-three, not seventy-five.

- Who cares? It's fun. Will you come?

- I don't know. It's not something I like.

- We can play cards later. I mean, in the afternoon. I plan to take a nap for an hour or two.

- What nap is two hours?

- A good one.

- If you say so.

- Here you go, boys. I hope you like it. - Martha said

- Thanks. It looks so good. - Jeremy said and clapped his hands

- Call me if you need anything. - she said and left

- The food is so good. - he said and took another bite

- Good for you, buddy.

- Why don't you eat?

- I'm not that hungry.

- If you won't eat it, can I have your food?

- Sure, take it. I won't eat it anyway.

- Thanks, man.

After breakfast, I walked back into my room. I am supposed to have a session with Brianna, but I don't think I will go. I can't fake my mood in front of her. I will tell her that I'm sick or something. I was lying on my bed when she walked in. I was about to say something, but she stopped me. Then she sat down.

- Don't say anything. I'm here to check on you.

- I don't feel well.

- I know.

- How?

- Do you think that I only talk with you in our sessions?

- Wait, what? I meant that I might be sick.

- Dean. Look at me. I can read you like an open book. One look at you is enough for me to know what is happening with you.

- I'm sorry.

- It's ok. How do you feel today?

- Empty.

- Look, I know you want to get out of here. I'll help you because it's not working.

- What is not working?

- Everything. The sessions, the therapy. We are not the ones who have to help you.

- Then who? My parents?

- Maybe. I believe that you will find someone who will make you feel better.

- Who is that person?

- I don't know. Once you mentioned that you had a friend.

- So?

- Why don't you try to find her?

- I don't even know if she remembers me. Also, I don't want my problems to affect her.

- Maybe she can make you feel better.

- I don't know. It's better if I stay away from her.

- You need to learn to think more positively.

- How? Look at what a mess I am.

- Because you left yourself to live like that.

- I don't want to do this anymore, Brianna.

- But you have to.

- I can't.

- Dean, you can't lose your life. You have such an expensive gift. Please, don't waste it. Now, it's not the time for that. All of us will die one day. No one is immortal. I'm trying to say that you are too young for this. Think about everything you can do. There are so many things you haven't tried.

- It's not helping. Nothing of this seems pleasing to me anymore. I don't care.

- But I do. I won't let you do something to yourself while you are still here.

- Don't worry. I have nothing to hurt myself. They took everything.

- Good. Will you at least eat your lunch?

- I'll see.

- You have to eat. Starving yourself won't make you feel better or resolve your problems.

- I know. You don't have to remind me.

- I do because you don't want to listen to me.

- Why do I feel this way? I wasn't like that as a kid.

- Usually, this comes with family trauma, but you said your parents were good to you and your brother. Right?

- Yes, they have always been taking care of me.

- Did you have friends in school?

- Kind of. I was talking with people only there. We didn't go out.

- Maybe something happened that made you feel different than the rest.

- I saw people laughing and having fun. Then I realized I would never have that.

- Why haven't you told me that?

- Because it's stupid.

- No, it's not. Instead of looking at what other people do, look at yourself. You are much more than what you think.

- I don't feel this way.

- But you have to.

- It's not easy.

- Neither is impossible. I'll leave you now. Please, come to lunch. You have to eat something.

- Ok, ok. I'll be there.

- Do you promise?

- I do.

- Good. - Brianna said and left

I don't know how this woman can stand me. She is good to me. Honestly, I like that. I know this is her job. I feel like only she can understand me. We have talked a lot over the years. She is great. I will listen to what she said. I spent some time in my room and later went for lunch. Jeremy looked excited. He probably won the bingo.

- Hey.

- You missed everything.

- I expect you to tell me.

- I won. For the first time in my life, I won something. Well, if you don't count the lottery tickets I buy. My big cash was ten dollars. It wasn't that much.

- Some people don't win at all. What was your prize today?

- I will call the numbers for the next game.

- Good for you. I'm sure you'll do great.

- What's up with your mood? It doesn't look better.

- I had a chat with Brianna.

- So you went to your session?

- Not really. I planned to skip it, but she came to check on me.

- You have to buy this woman something once you go home.

- Why?

- Because she takes care of you like a baby. I won't have the nerve to listen to you all day.

- That's why she is working here.

- I know, but still.

- Dude, she is probably married. Do you know what it will look like? I don't want her husband to kill me.

- Don't worry. He won't kill you.

- Oh, hey, Brianna.

- You are not eating.

- I am. See. - I said and put food in my mouth

- You promised me something.

- I know.

- Why do you still deal with him? He is a lost case. - Jeremy said

- That is not true.

- If you say so.

- You know you are here because of me. I can say there is nothing wrong with you. Then you will be out.

- Please, don't. I enjoy our conversations. Also, people here take care of me.

- Jeremy, you take the place of someone who needs it.

- No, I need my place. My imaginary friend is still talking to me.

- Jeremy. We have talked about it. There are many other places where people will take care of you.

- But I like being here. I have friends.

- Except for Dean and a few other patients. Most of these people have no idea what is happening. Neither what day we are today. Are you sure they are your friends? These people are here for a reason.

- You know why I ran away.

- I do, but you can't take advantage of this. It's not right.

- Fine. Since you don't want me here, I'll move out.

- I didn't say that.

- I won't go back in that hole. You have no idea what it was like. Whenever they were angry, they were getting it on me. I was the one who got beaten up every night before bed. I had nightmares, thanks to that.

- Why didn't you tell me?

- Because I wanted to be ordinary.

- We need to talk after lunch.

- I have nothing to tell you.

- I think you do. Please.

- Ok, fine. Dean, will we play later? I have cards.

- Yeah, sure. Before or after your nap.

- I might skip it.

- Ok, I will wait for you to call me.

- Sure.

Jeremy and I ate our lunch peacefully. I thought he felt good here, and that's why he came. Maybe he is like me, even if we have different stories. Later, I walked to my room. I don't take naps, but I might do it today. I wish I had my bracelet with me. Well, I gave it to the girl. I don't think she keeps it. It's cheap, but it means a lot to me. After some time, I decided to take a nap. I have nothing else to do here. It's not like this will help me.

I woke up after an hour. Then I went to the bathroom. After that, I searched for a snack. I don't want to eat, but my stomach is telling its word. I went to eat it in the game room. There were only a few people. Soon, Jeremy came. He looked tired. I guess the conversation with Brianna was a bit hard. Well, it's not easy to open up about your past. Look how many things I did. Back then, I felt the need to do it. I only feel sorry about my parents. They didn't deserve to see me like that.

- How are you? - I asked

- I have been worse. Can we play?

- Sure. What is the game?

- I don't know the name, but I'll explain the rules.

- Ok, go on.

- You have six randomly picked cards. The others are faced down on the floor. You have to ask me if I have any of the cards you do. If you get four cards, which are the same, you take them away. The person with more stacks of four cards wins. Do you get it?

- I think so.

- Good. The cards have to be laid down. Pick six.

- Ok, I'm ready.

- Me too. Do you have any fours?

- No, sorry.

- You should pick a card from these if the answer is no.

- Ok, cool. Do you have a six?

- Damn it! Here you go.

- Thanks. It's your turn.

- No, you keep asking until I say no.

- Oh, ok. Do you have a three?

- I hate you. - he said, and I laughed

- Do you have a queen?

- Ha! No, I don't. Pick a card.

- Ok, ok. Calm down.

- My turn.

Jeremy and I played until dinner time. At least his mood was better. He won three times, and I won only two. It's not like this matters. This is only a game. My life doesn't depend on this. Later, we went for dinner. It was delicious. The chef here is perfect. I love the food. No matter that I don't eat that much. When we finished eating, both of us went to the backyard.

- What are you thinking about? - Jeremy asked

- Nothing.

- You can't lie to me. Spill the tea.

- About one friend.

- The girl?

- Yes.

- Don't tell me you had a crush on a thirteen-year-old.

- No, I didn't, but she was a good distraction. At least I stopped thinking about my problems.

- Why don't you find her?

- I met her five years ago. What are the chances that she remembers me? Also, I only know her name. Who knows how she looks now? I don't know where to find her.

- She might be closer than you think.

- I hope you are right. I would love to see her.

- See? Make this your goal. She might be the help you need.

- We'll see. I don't want to have high hopes.

We talked until midnight. Then we went to bed. Jeremy might be a few years older than me. We have had good conversations. He is a good listener. Also, we played a lot of games. I like his company, but I can't stay here for long. I thought I would get better, but it wasn't working. After all, I have been here for almost five years. Nothing changed. Maybe, except for the fact that I can't do anything to myself. Except for that, everything else is the same. I feel the same as usual. I don't know if someone can help me, but I'll leave a tiny hope in me. I hope that I will be able to find the girl.