Blind to love

Family first

"Callie?" I hear from behind me and apart of me is hoping its not my brother while the other is hoping it is, I haven't heard my brother voice in so long that I didn't know I missed him till now. I don't know what I was thinking coming here unannounced thinking he will just let me back in his life but as I turn around i'm now face to face with my big brother who I have been waiting to see for eight long years, seeing my brother I now know I have to make it up to him even if it takes time and a lot of begging, I have missed a lot in his life, him growing up and being the man he is. i'm not sure how to make up to him but the first step is saying sorry but as I look at him I notice he's getting closer to me, i'm still stood where I first was. The blank facial expression gives nothing away as he walks closer to me, my mouth is dry not sure what to say as words get stuck in my throat, I could start with sorry but those are just words. Now face to face I look down at my feet unable to be the women I am, how could I think this was smart, how does one say how sorry they are for leaving with a goodbye and not even writing or a phone call back home. I have all these thoughts on how this could of gone but the words getting stuck in my throat isn't the way I though it. I'm such a coward I shouldn't of done this or thought he would forgive me just like that, what was I thinking. 

"i'm sorry, I shouldn't of come" I say not meeting his eyes, turning my heels I start to walk away needing a little more time before I face my brother, as I walk away I feel a hand on my wrist stopping me from going any further, I wish I could face him and tell him how sorry I really am, I wish I could turn back time, to be honest I wish I lot of things. I know i'm late to apologise but I just can't do it. Still facing away from jay I think about all the possibilities this could go and me walking away with my tail tuck between my legs like a coward is the only way this could off gone. Coming here now putting myself in his life I didn't think about whether he wanted to see me, I just thought about my self and it was wrong of me, I have just turned his world without thinking about him, what have I done.

"Don't walk away like a coward you are, not even a goodbye I didn't even get a letter. Eight years its been eight years Callie" i hear jay say he pulls me face to face with him looking straight into my eyes, I should off known how this could off ended I should off seen this coming. At least he's got one thing right, I am a coward for walking away with a goodbye, I shouldn't take it personal as he's hurt like he should be but I can't help it. 

"I never intended to hurt you jay, now I see I shouldn't of come" peeling his hand from my wrist I walk away, I should off done baby steps with my brother maybe a phone call or a text first saying I was in town before turning up at his door. Turning the corner I quickly walk home wanting to bury my head into something, anything right now. It was stupid of me to presume all was forgiven, making it home I sit outside on my steps listening to the quietness where the stars above just shine. This is the first time since I was eighteen since I have heard nothing and it frightens me, I'm alone with nothing. 

Following day i'm back on the steps of my apartment with a cup of tea in my hands watching the cars go pass, the only difference between now and last night is the noise which calms me down, I have grown used to the noise, the g*n shots, people shouting but the quiet scares me as it gives me time to think but my mind runs wild which isn't always a good thing. In a pair of shorts and a long t-shirt i try to think about everything I can do with my free time, I'm a twenty six year old with nothing but a pension from the army, I should be thinking about getting a job or a hobby but all I could think about was seeing jays face when he first seen me, how could I be so stupid to just jump the g*n and see jay. Throwing the last bit of my cup of tea away I head back inside needing to clean the rest of my apartment, and do a little of food shopping with my apartment empty of food. I have nothing else to do till I actually find something to do so instead of sitting in silence the best thing to do is keep my mind busy from my brother and everything else. Finishing with the cleaning I take one look in a mirror and I don't recognise myself its been so long since I have looked in a mirror, I have changed so much, i'm no longer that naive girl I was back then, i'm stronger. Getting dressed I head out hoping to do a little food shopping before seeing my mother grave stone hoping to clear my mind, she's always been someone I could just rant too. Entering the store I'm not even sure what I want, I been living on army food for so long I'm not sure what I like, walking around I grab a little of everything hoping I know what I like, I could probably bake or cook to keep myself busy, I have enough in my bank for retirement but i'm still a baby not sure what to do with my life just yet. 

Standing in front of my mother grave stones there's so much I want and need to say but like when I was with my brother my throat goes dry, when I was eighteen I just up and left I didn't think about what I was leaving behind, my father, my brother and my mother who just wanted everything for me, I haven't been to her grave stone in so long I almost forgotten where It was, I have missed coming here, ranting all my problems to mother grave stone and when I was young I had an awful lot of teenage problems I needed to get off my chest and now I'm back I have eight years to make up to her. Kneeling down I'm sat in front of mother grave stone, unsure where to start, there's so much I want to say. 

"Its been a while hasn't it, I don't know where i'm suppose to start so let me start recently. I went to see jay yesterday to say sorry but I couldn't get my words out, I froze. I left without a goodbye which wasn't my brightest idea, I hurt him while ripping my own heart out along the way. I know he's always been my hero so it was selfish of me to do what I did, I just don't know how to get him to forgive him" I start with unsure where to go next, I know for sure that i'm not sure i'm ready to spill everything that happened to me in the army, that part of my life has been sealed off and unspoken about and I won't be talking about it anytime soon. Going silent for a movement I think about my life and how it turned out, would mother want me to move on and live my life, maybe a little of travelling, hitting the gym, I don't know where to go from here, my life was in the army and now I'm out I don't know who I am anymore, I'm lost. 

"Start with your sorry sweetheart, he just needs time to adjust to seeing you" shocked by the words and the voice I haven't heard in a while I get to my feet before slowing turning away meeting the blue eyes I could never forget, father. My father stands in front of me holding fresh flowers, looking down at the grave I see the same flowers which aren't as fresh, it looks like he comes regularly. I haven't seen my father either in over eight years, and I don't know where to start with him, stepping closer to my father he wraps his arms around holding me tightly as a single tears falls down my cheek, I haven't thought about how my father would react to seeing me but I guess he misses me as much as I miss him. Letting go I step back needing to sort my relationship with my brother out before he hates me too much, I just don't know how to apologises to him saying im sorry isn't enough for him.