The Promise Ring (Dear Jann Series 1)

Chapter 3: Two Sided Sword

In the next days that followed, I kept reminding myself that Markus and I were over. It helped me from crying over and over. It is so frustrating not to get any clarification on what happened. The more I think about it, the more I start to hate him. Do I hate him, or am I just frustrated? I don't know the difference anymore. I tried so hard to ignore him and not to think of him. Maybe with Marvin on my side, I will be able to do it. However, why do I have a feeling that Markus and I are not yet over? Like there is a storm lingering in my sky. I wasn't mistaken. I am sure glad I had the warning.

I was home alone reading my favorite book when I heard someone knocking through our door. I tried to ignore it since I was not in any mood for visitors that day, but the knocking was getting louder and was becoming difficult to ignore. I gave out a sigh, slowly put down my book, and went to check who was there. And there he was, Markus, standing in my door. He looked like he ran from his home, coming to mine. He looks like a dragon puffing some smoke and like any moment, he will burst some dangerous flames that could smolder me. I was starting to feel uncomfortable with him staring at me.

"What are you doing here? I thought you never want to see me anymore?" I said.

I turned around to avoid his fiery eyes. Those eyes that I used to love to stare at, now are filled with so much anger. Why is he angry anyway? What is he doing here? I moved away from the door so he could come in but he did not move from where he was standing.

"Why? Why Marvin? You don't love the guy. Of all people, my best friend?!" he was trying so hard to contain his voice.

I turned around to meet his angry face. I hated so much to see that face. I never wanted to see him angry or sad. I wanted so much to run to him to caress his face. I will do anything to remove that angry face away. I wanted so much to stroke his disheveled hair and hold him in my arms again. I wanted so much to tell him that I missed him badly and that everything is still the same between us. But no matter my desire to hold him, a part of me was hurting so bad too, and just wanted to hurt him back for what he had done. I wanted him to feel what I felt when he left me out in the blue. I wanted to feel the success of my revenge. I want him to feel and realize that he was so wrong for letting me go.

"What are you talking about? Did you forget, we broke up. Or should I say, you dumped me? I can date whoever I want." I told him.

He looked at me like he was in pain with what I told him. Why is he looking at me that way? Or was it just my imagination? Please don’t look at me like that or else, any moment, I will be running back to your arms.

"Jann, you don't understand," he said softly.

Now it was my turn to get angry. How can he say I don't understand if he never gave me the chance to know his reasons? He never listened to me and just left me with all the unanswered questions. For days, all I wanted were answers from him but he never gave those to me. And here he was saying that I don't understand. What is there to understand? My heart was so heavy.

"I don't understand? Markus, let me have this straight. You were the one who dumped me for no reason and now you are telling me that I don't understand? Well, let's hear it. What don't I understand?" I asked him angrily.

He looked at me and I can see that he was struggling with what to say. He wanted to say something and yet a bigger part of him was stopping him. I wonder what he was keeping from me. I gave him the chance to explain. All my attention was on him. I wanted so much to know.

"Jann..." he whispered my name like he was defeated. 

"Please, not Marvin. You can date anyone else but not him." he was almost pleading to me.

It was not the answer I was waiting for. Due to frustration, my tears slowly rolled down my face. It was even more painful not knowing why the love of your life left you. And when you finally get the chance to know the reason, he won't give it.

"Markus, please leave. I don’t want to see you anymore. Let Marvin and I be happy. Just give me your blessings." I told him.

He looked at me surprised like he does not understand a single word that I was saying. I hate the look in his eyes. I feel so bad because I know that he was hurting inside. It is just so him. He always had a hard time saying what he truly feels. He would rather keep everything inside him than show his real emotions. I wanted so much to touch him because I know that I can calm him down like I always did. He looks so defeated with what I said.

"No Jann. I will never give my blessings to both of you. I'm sorry." Then he left me again.

My tears were rolling down my cheeks. Why does he keep doing that? I would rather hear him say that he found someone else rather than just leaving me with no reason. What could be his reason that he doesn’t have the heart to tell me so? I was left alone again trying to understand what I was feeling. A big part of me wanted so much to run after him and tell him that I was sorry. That I still love him and that no one will ever take his place from my heart. But I needed to stop myself. I guess I grew tired of running after him. I deserve a little better. But why does it hurt so bad? Is this what I wanted? I thought I would be happy and satisfied because finally, I can see him hurting, but why does it hurt me so bad too? 

That same night, Marvin came to see me. He was looking so great and so happy. He was all smiles, so bubbly and so light-hearted it was contagious. In a way, my heartache that day was reduced. He made me feel that I was very special to him and that he treasures our newly found relationship. I simply loved how he radiated his positive aura to me and somehow submerged my gloominess. Before the night ended, I told him about my conversation with Markus.

"Markus was here earlier and he said that he will never give his blessings for our relationship," I told him sadly.

"I know. He also came to see me," he said. 

My heart skipped when he said that. For a split second, I was out of word and I guess out of air while waiting for the next things that he would say. And just like he read my mind, he said the right words.

"I don't care whether he gives his blessings or not. We don't need him. We have each other and that is all that matters now to me." he said and took my hand and kissed it. 

I finally breathe. I wanted to ask what else happened between the two of them but it looked like Marvin was not interested in letting me know. His words and actions are enough to let me know that he will do anything to prevent Markus from bothering us again. 

"Jann, I love you. I will do everything to make you love me too. I am not asking you to forget him. All I am asking you is that you try to love as I am." he said

True to his words, he made the rest of my semester break fun. He came to see me as often as he could and made sure that I knew about his feelings for me. It was fun and I was thankful because it somehow drove me out of my miserable feelings towards Markus. We would always go to our rendezvous and spend time with each other especially when the school days were near approaching.

I particularly love that evening we were together. We just came from my friend's house and he walked me home. Before we could reach our house, we stayed outside for a while and watched the sky. The sky was so dark and yet filled with so many stars. I wonder where all these stars came from. He was pointing on some star constellations and we were making other figures out of the stars. It was a pleasant feeling. For the first time, I felt peace within me. I just listened to him talk and make figures from the stars. I was looking at him.

He had this strong feature that most of the people we know say that he can be a snob at times. He had long lashes, probably longer than mine. His nose was not that long but it was good enough to match his facial appearance. And those lips, it looks so soft. I wonder if he ever kissed someone before. Probably he did. It's not like I was his first girlfriend. What am I thinking? I chuckled with the thought.

"What is it?" he asked.

"What"

"Why are you laughing?"

"I wasn't laughing" I defended myself

"Yes you were. What are you thinking?" I looked at him and smiled. 

"Nothing. I was just trying to keep this scene in my head because I don't know when will this ever happen again." I answered.

He smiled at me and hugged tightly. He let go a heavy sigh and stroked my hair. Now it was my turn to ask.

"What is it?"

"I miss you already. I know we will start school soon again and we will be away from each other. I don't know what to do if I can't see you." he said.

I was starting to feel the same way. And just like what that he did, I gave out a sigh and rested my head on his chest. I don't want to answer or tell him things that I may not be able to do. I just let him stroke my hair as I was listening to his heartbeat. He lifted my chin so I could see his face. He ran the back of his palm on my cheek.

"I love you Jann. I have loved you since the first day I set my eyes on you. I know I should not feel that way since you and Markus are an item. But I can't help it. I try to keep it and stay away from both of you. Call me a stalker, but yes, I had been watching you from afar. Silently hoping that I was the one holding you and not him. I love you. I know you might not feel the way too, but I am willing to wait. And if I can, I will help you forget about him. Just give me the chance to love you." he said and sealed it with a kiss.

I looked in his eyes while he was saying those to me. It was so sincere it almost brought tears in my eyes. I can feel so much warmth with every word that he said. I wanted so much to answer him but I didn't know what to say. What If I can't love him the way that he wants me to? What if I end up hurting him because I still love Markus? When his lips touched mine, I felt Markus' lips instead of his. I tried to close my eyes but Markus' face appeared in my head. I felt hot tears under my eyelids. Why do I feel like I betrayed Markus the most? This is not right. I feel worse. I feel like I betrayed both of them.