Moving forward

Goodbyes

Everyday since I heard the news about my parents, my uncle has come into my bedroom to check on me and give me food as i decline to leave the room for any reason but to use the bathroom, the news about my parents haven't settled in and i don't know who i am without them. i don't feel like socialising when my parents aren't here, why do i blame myself for them dying. It was my fault as they were coming to see me to watch me play. Laying on the bed with my phone next to me i have deleted every social media account i had as I couldn't keep seeing everyone send there wishes or the photos everyone is posting, i just want to be alone. Like clock work my uncle is knocking on my door, it's been two weeks since they have passed and todays its there funeral where I finally get to say my goodbye but I don't want to say goodbye, I'm not ready for all this. My parents shouldn't be put six foot under when they was still young, they still had there whole life ahead of them. They shouldn't have died not till they were old and wrinkly, not being hit by a drunk driver. My dad never got to walk me down the isle, my mother never got chance to see me grow up into a wonderful person probably her extra copy where she would have been proud, i was her mini me. Now they don't have the chance to see me graduate high school which i have done by doing it all online, my uncle made me do that unfortunately telling me its a good way to keep my parents off my mind but he didn't realise it didn't work, they was always on my mind even when i closed my eyes.

"We leaving in ten minutes hun" uncle Liam says popping his head in the door and then closing it again once he said what he needed to say. I walking to my wardrobe and throw on a black dress that auntie jasmine had bought for his occasion, i don't bother to put any make up on or sort my hair out instead i run my fingers though it and call it a job well done. Before i leave the room i grab my earphones and my phone before making my way downstairs and into the car. I barely speak to anyone instead i have been keeping my head down and head phones in blocking everyone not wanting to come into reality just yet. i know i am prolonging my grieving by not talking to anyone or accepting it but i just can't. i wish it was that easy.

Nothing in life is easy.

Pulling up to the church I hesitated to get out and everyone can see that as it is written all over my face, the tears in my eyes linger before rolling down my cheek, i don't know if I'm ready to do this. I know I'm not ready to do this instead i feel a hand on my shoulder i don't have to turn round to know its my uncle, he has been my shoulder to cry on the past two weeks while my cousins Callum and Oliver took a step back to give me some time alone. Taking a quick second i finally step out the car keeping my head down low, I follow my uncle into the church and take the front seat. Bringing my eyes straight i connect them to a photo of my parents looking happy and i know that photo, I took it. The photo was on my mother birthday, father bought her a trip to Greece, they didn't even know i took it. My eyes never leave the photo but i can see a man come into view and start speaking. I don't think I'm ready instead i jump to my feet and run out i cant be here, i hear my name being shouted but i cant, please don't take them from me.

"Annabelle" i hear my uncle shout as i run out but my eyes connect with Danielle who's sat at the back with the rest of the girls, i cant believe they came. I don't look back to see my uncle as i already know he's looking at me run out, yes I'm a coward for doing this, i took the coward way out but can't blame me for not wanting to be there as everyone talks about my Parents. I don't know where I'm running off too and i don't care, i go where ever my legs take me, as i approach a tree still in view of the church i take a seat and run my hand though my knotted hair, why did they have to go and leave me.

I'm not sure how long i was sat under the tree but everyone starts walking out and making there way to the grave where they be lowered, i don't leave the tree instead i look on and follow them with my eyes, once everyone is stood at the grave i close the gap but i stay beside a tree not sure I'm ever going to be ready. Watching them lower my parents into a dark muddy hole I stand back wiping my face every couple of seconds with my tears smuggling my vision. Placing my back against the tree i hear someone stand beside me not saying anything but just standing with me, as i turn my eyes i see Danielle standing there looking at me, I'm thankful she doesn't say anything but i could really do with someone during this time and I'm glad it's her. Standing side by side with Danielle i notice everyone is slowly leaving to the after do but i don't leave the tree till everyone gone and Danielle follows two steps behind but when i reach my parents grave she stays ten steps behind me knowing i need this second to say goodbye.

"I love you, i don't how I'm going to carry on in life without you, i cant go back to our houses without thinking about you both, its hard being in the same town. I need you why did you have to go" I break down as i stop talking and before i know it tears are flooding my face and i have broke down unable to say anything else I can't do it without them, i need my parents. As I'm crying my eyes out Danielle comes from behind and wraps her arm round me pulling me from the grave not letting me do this on my own. I understand why shes doing this. Taking me back to the cars i jump in a car with Danielle and head to the after do, I'm not sure i even want to be there right now but putting on a brave face for the final bit and then i can go back to the bedroom...alone.

Walking in the house all eyes go too me and one by one everyone has come up to me sending there regards, i don't even know some of the people coming up to me but uncle Liam has told me is a couple of workers from the business. I'm not even sure how long i been here and how many people have come up to me but i don't think i could fake a polite smile one more time before dropping to my knees begging everyone to leave me alone. Just looking around i can see how many people loved my parents, I haven't heard a rude comment about them and i doubt i will as i can guarantee everyone loved them. Shaking everyone hand now i know it time to leave and I just want to crawl in my room and pretend this never happened but i have heard uncle say something about meeting a lawyer, I have no strength to do it. Maybe if i can go i can forget this ever happened after its finished.

"You ready sweetheart" uncle Liam says taking me in a separate car to meet a lawyer, because my parents have a businesses, land, property, we have to find out who has them. I don't want to go back to the house I grown up in as it holds to many memories, ill be toying with myself if i did that and i wont be able to move on. Climbing in the passenger seat while uncle drives the ride in silent as i have placed earphones in, i place earphones in my ears every time I don't want to talk and want to be left alone and lucky me everyone understand, no one has tried to talk to me about my feeling. It only takes ten minutes in the car before we are at the lawyer office, i stand outside for a moment calming myself down but i step inside. As we walk though the doors, we head straight in to see the lawyer and I couldn't be more happier as i already want this to be over

"Mr and Mrs has left everything to there daughter Annabelle, the business will be run by Mr Wilson brother Liam, with Annabelle learning the ropes if she wishes. There life insurances goes to there daughter..." as we both listen to the lawyer speak i already know what they have left for me as when they was writing it all, they sat me down and spoke to me like a adult. However i don't know how to take everything. It doesn't take long before we finished and back in uncle car heading back to his place. I can now finally have a peaceful moment to myself.