A Grateful Kind of Love

I’ve always been a planner. At an early age, my dolls would receive save-the-date reminders for our upcoming tea parties. For me, life has a set order—each deliberate step leads to the next, which leads to the next, until I’ve reached the destination. The one I’ve always dreamed about. The life. Including the ultimate college experience, career, husband, and family. I’ve visualized it all for years and the path I need to take to get there. Landon Porter has been a constant in the trajectory of my life—the charming, witty, and handsome friend—conveniently a couple of years older so that he can introduce me to new connections and give advice that will help pave the way. I’ve always adored Landon, and I thought I always would. Yet what I’ve learned is that life is full of choices, and despite making the ones that should yield the desired outcome, some choices have consequences that are out my control. Fate can be incredibly cruel and logic unreliable when one’s heart is broken. I know that what happened wasn’t my fault. There was nothing I could’ve done to prevent it, but that doesn’t stop it from hurting. Additionally, I realize that I shouldn’t hate him because it wasn’t his fault either. Yet the heartache is still there. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I want to let it go. I just can’t. I find myself drowning in the murky waters of uncertainty, desperately searching for the way out so that I can breathe again. It’s hard, being so lost. I’m not sure of much anymore, except the one blaring truth—this wasn’t part of the plan.