One-2
2057 Words
“I’ve a meeting to finalize everything. Can I call on ye later?”
I don’t realize she’s talking to me until no one replies, hinting the question was for me. “Ach, sure. If ya want.”
“He’s stayin’ with you?” she asks Cian, who nods.
But I won’t be having that. “No, take me home.”
“Punky, the castle is boggin’. There’s no electricity or water,” Darcy says, trying to make me see reason. But I don’t care.
“I’m not worried about that. I just want to go home.”
Hannah works her bottom lip, but Cian understands. “All right. If that’s what ya want.”
“I’ll come by after tea,” Darcy says, thankfully respecting my wishes. I appreciate everything she’s done for me, but that doesn’t mean she has a say in how I live my life.
Nodding, I follow Cian as he walks to a gray Ford Fiesta. I pause, not expecting my best friend to be driving such a…conservative car. However, I don’t say anything and get into the back. Hannah offers the front, but I decline.
Darcy beeps her horn as she zips past us before Cian starts our journey home. Hannah and Cian make small talk, leaving me to take everything in.
I stare out the window, refamiliarizing myself with the sights and sounds which shaped my life. But now, they’re foreign, and those memories are just out of reach. I see Northern Ireland with new eyes. So much has changed, while in the same breath, some things are frozen in time.
There is so much green. My eyes can’t adjust to the color. I once took this for granted, but I won’t ever again. I see a paddock filled with cows. I’d forgotten how big they were. I’ve forgotten a lot of things.
It’s suddenly too much, too fast.
Closing my eyes, I lean my head against the headrest and stay this way until Cian’s tires crunch over gravel. This sound transports me back in time.
I’m home.
Slowly opening my eyes, I adjust to the lighting, and when I see the castle, I wonder if I’m stuck in a nightmare. The once majestic building is now in shambles.
The windows are smashed in, and by the graffiti tags, it’s safe to assume they were broken by the hallions who thought it was okay to vandalize a place that once was the envy of many. The door is kicked in, and I notice the side wall is crumbling.
No matter how much I hated Connor, I never wanted to see his home end up this way. This was the last place his essence remained, and now, nothing is left. It’s just an empty shell housing broken memories.
Unsnapping my seat belt, I open the door and step outside. The fresh air fills my lungs, and I inhale deeply, the smells of the past warming me. It’s replaced with bitterness a second later.
“Punky, I don’t want ya stayin’ here,” Hannah says, her eyes nervously searching the grounds.
I know why she’s worried.
She told me she saw Sean here, lurking in the shadows like the monster that he is. But I’m not afraid of him. I want him to know I’m back and plan on claiming what is mine.
Cupping her cheek, I gently assure her, “I’ll be all right, wee one. Go now. I’m sure y’ve got better things to do than be here.”
“I want to be here,” she presses, leaning into my hand. “I never want to leave yer side.”
Cian stands off to the side, but it appears he shares the same sentiments as Hannah.
“I’m not goin’ anywhere. Ye made sure of that when ya fought for me when I didn’t even fight for myself.”
She sniffs back her tears.
“But I need some time to adjust. This is all…a lot.”
“Of course,” she replies with a nod. “Promise me ya won’t leave me again?”
Her plea breaks my heart because I crushed her when I left. I never realized how my actions would impact the twins. They were small, and I thought with time, they’d forget me. But I never forgot my ma, and I was a similar age to the twins when she was snatched from my life.
“I promise,” I assure her, bringing her in for a hug.
She clings on tight, and it’s hard not to reminisce about when she was a wain, holding me with all her might. “I’ll save him. I won’t fail ye again,” I whisper into her ear.
She sobs into my shoulder, her tiny body shuddering with her pain.
Ethan not being here means, unlike Hannah, he’s not interested in reminiscing on the past. He’s happy to leave me dead and buried. He sees what I did as a betrayal, as I left them to rot. But I thought of them every single day. I thought I was doing the right thing.
But I was fooled by the man who is now fooling him, and I’ll be damned if I allow that to happen to Ethan.
“I’ll come by later with some food and clothes for ya. And I’ll try to get the power and water connected.”
There’s no point in arguing with her, so I nod as I kiss her forehead. “Thanks.”
Cian hands me a mobile phone. It’s awful fancy compared to the one I once had. “My number is programmed in there. If ya need anythin’, ya call me. Also, I’ll call on ye later and lend ya my truck. I have another car, so it’s just collectin’ dust.”
“Thank you,” I say, accepting the phone and the offer to use his truck until I can buy my own. “I’ll pay ya back once I get my finances sorted.”
He clucks his tongue. “Don’t be worryin’ about that.”
We have so much to catch up on, like where Rory is. And what they’ve both been up to these past ten years. I don’t ask about Babydoll because I figure if Cian wanted me to know, he’d tell me.
“All right. Let’s give Punky some time, wee cutty.” Cian gestures with his hand that they’re to go.
I realize the pressure I put him under when I asked him to look out for the twins for me. But looking at the strong, brave woman Hannah has grown into, I know he’s done a brilliant job. I owe him everything.
Hannah’s eyes are filled with tears as she gets into the car. Cian waits for her to close the door before he digs into his pocket and produces something I almost forgot existed.
“I kept it safe for ya,” he says, offering me my ma’s brooch. “I always knew y’d be back.”
The sunlight seems to illuminate something which already shines so brightly in my eyes. I accept it, and the weight feels familiar in my hand. “Thanks, Cian. For everythin’. I know it seemed like I just didn’t want to see ya, but there was a reason. Ya never gave up on me. I don’t deserve ye.”
“Ach, stop that,” he says, shaking his head. “Yer my best mate. That’s never changed. But—”
“But what?” I press when he pauses.
He tongues his cheek in thought. “But some things have changed.”
“Is that why Rory isn’t here?”
He nods slowly.
“He can’t forgive me?”
When Cian lowers his eyes, I know the answer is yes.
“I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused youse. I would have done things so differently. But that’s the thing about hindsight…it’s f*****g useless.”
Cian laughs, and the sound is one I’ve missed. “We’ll grab a pint when yer up to it. I’ll be back later with Hannah.”
He hugs me again as if he still can’t believe I’m here.
We say our goodbyes, and I watch as his car turns down the drive and onto the road. Once the car is out of sight, I bend in half, place my hands on my thighs, and take three deep breaths. I need a moment to compose myself.
Once my heart stops racing, I stand and absorb everything before me.
Even though the castle wasn’t my home, I hate to see it in the state that it’s in. This rubble now belongs to me, and I intend to restore it to its former glory. It’s what Connor would have wanted, as well as my ma.
With hesitant steps, I walk toward the building built with Kelly blood, sweat, and tears. Phantom shrills of the twins catch the wind—my mind playing tricks, transporting me back to simpler times.
As I step through the doorway, I’m hit with poignant nostalgia. The riches are no more. This place is merely a carcass of what it once was. Debris litters the floor—food wrappers, cigarette butts, and broken beer bottles.
This place is a haven for misfits.
I continue my tour, my mind flashing from the present to the past, comparing what is to what it once was. There is now a mingin’ single mattress where Fiona’s beloved dining table once stood. I hate to think of what lewd acts occurred on that boggin’ surface.
There are burnt-out candles all over the floor and in the alcoves of the walls, solving the no electricity problem. The atmosphere is haunting. No wonder ghost stories thrive here. Hannah told me this is where the local kids go to hang out, get bladdered, and scare each other with tales of the boogeyman—aka me.
Peering upward, I see sunlight streaming in from the holes in the ceiling. The once polished floors are now ruined after being exposed to the harsh elements over the years. There are etchings in the stonework of people who have come and gone.
I run my fingers over the engravings, wondering if the initials of the lovers inside the hearts are still in love. They clearly wanted to make their union known to others, but nothing lasts forever.
Once I’m done with the tour inside the castle, I walk out the back door and into the vast fields. I stand still and tip my face to the heavens. So many memories crash into me. I loved it back here—it’s where my mum’s gardens once were.
The rose brooch tingles in my pocket, and on instinct, I dig my hand into my pocket, fingering over it. “I’ll replant them for ye, Ma,” I avow aloud. “I’ll make this place what it once was.”
I walk through the grounds, taking in the unkept state. It hurts to see it this way because this castle has been in my family for generations. It angers me that Sean, a Kelly, doesn’t seem to give a f**k about that. He’s allowed it to wither away and, instead, used it for his corrupt ways—like meeting Ethan here.
My jaw clenches at the thought.
I make my way to the stable yard building. The gardens are overgrown and littered with bottles and feg butts. When I come up over the hill and see it, I sigh, overwhelmed. This place was my sanctuary, the place where I could grieve for the life I never wanted to live.
I walk the same paths I did ten years ago, but so much has changed. That boy didn’t know who he was destined to become. I’m surprised the door is still intact. It’s unlocked, of course, so I open it and peer inside. The interior is different, but the feelings are still the same—I’m home.
Walking into my gaff, I stand in the middle of the room, taking everything in. My possessions are long gone, but the memories will never fade. I close my eyes, and all I see is Babydoll. I can hear her laughter, her breathless moans as we lost ourselves in one another over and over again.
I remember the way she tested me, refusing to back down. She was the strongest person I knew.
Her scent, her taste is amplified in here as this was our private oasis where the outside world didn’t exist. It was us versus them. I miss her so f*****g much.
I never allowed myself to think of her because when I did, all I felt was this—this gaping hole in my chest. I never knew what love was, but now I know that I loved Babydoll with every fiber of my being. There wasn’t a specific event or time when I fell for her; it was simply inevitable.
Being apart from her is like missing a part of me, and now that I know she isn’t my sister, I can’t stop thinking about how she made me feel. I want that feeling back.
I want her.
And just like that…I get my wish…and I can finally breathe again after ten long years.
“…Hi, Punky.”
- Writer
