KANA

Part III

Today is Niki's wedding day. And she invited all of us as her family. Starting from Kana, Mbak Dedeh, Mang Ramli, and of course me. She held a simple party in her hometown. It took about two hours to get to her parents' house from the airport. True, it was so far that we had to take a plane to cross the island. I salute Kana who is willing to come all the way, even to pay for all of us to attend the wedding of her former employee.

We came a day before, then stayed at a hotel not too far from the event venue. Niki actually provided a relative's house for us to stay. However, Kana refuses to stay there because she doesn't want to be a bother. Besides, I can't imagine someone like Kana staying in an ordinary village house. Even though people say that she was poor in the past, I still can't imagine it.

Niki actually invited my family too. Besides being a student of my father's in the past, it can be said that Niki's parents and my father have some kind of kinship, although not very close. However, with the current condition of my family, plus my father who is not in good health, I am the only representative of my family. Luckily Niki and her family understood our situation so they didn't see it as a big problem.

Niki's wedding ceremony is thick with traditional nuances. There are several processions, a kind of obligatory ritual that is carried out. It took quite a long time, not to mention the rhymes and dances. I saw Kana getting uncomfortable standing watching the whole traditional procession. I think it's the first time she's attended an event like this.

"Psst!" Kana turned to me who had been standing behind her. "I need a seat!"

I looked around to see if there were any chairs we could use. Mang Ramli and Mbak Dedeh had given up and went to the culinary corner. I saw a lot of empty seats near them eating. However, no one is sitting around here. People would glance at her if only Kana who sat down.

"Wanna go over there?" I offered while pointing at Mbak Dedeh who was busy waving her hand asking us to join them.

Kana shook her head, then she came closer and whispered to me, "I want to smoke too."

It's too crowded here to smoke. I'm looking for a place that can be used to sit while smoking. There is a patrol post at the end of the road, a little bit far indeed, but I think there is the most suitable. I took her there, and she nodded in agreement.

The place looks like it hasn't been used for a long time so it's a bit dirty. The form is a stage without walls, and the floor of the couch is only on a thin mat that has many holes in some parts. Also the stains from the coffee spill also add to the motif on the plastic mat. I put my long outer that I was wearing on the couch as a layer, then invited her to sit on it.

"Thank you," She gave me a sweet smile before sitting on the seat I provided. How could I not smile too when I saw this kind of thing in front of me?

I sat next to her. In the part that does not wear a pedestal. I don't worry about my clothes getting dirty because these are just cheap clothes. Seeing that I wasn't wearing a pedestal, she shifted then patted the spot next to her.

"Here, please!" she said. "They are your clothes, I will feel bad sitting here alone."

I obeyed and without much to say moved closer to her. I'm starting to get comfortable with her. I don't know, it's not like me. Maybe it's because I see her every day so I'm slowly getting used to it.

She took a box of cigarettes from her handbag, then lit one. She took a deep breath, and looked relieved afterwards. Like a person who quenches thirst after a long thirst. Thick smoke immediately billowed between her face.

Even though the air here was fresh. A mountainous area with a stretch of rice fields in front of it. It's a pollution free place. However, not anymore. There is only the pungent smell of cigarette smoke.

"You want some?" She handed me the cigarette. She doesn't know that I don't smoke. It was the first time she smoked right next to me.

I took the cigarette from her hand. Not from the box, but from the one she was smoking. Curious to know why she and Niki liked things like this. Does it taste so good? Maybe it will be different if you suck it directly. So I tried to suck it in, and immediately coughed.

I swear that it was the stupidest thing mankind has ever done. Why would people want to smoke when it tastes like this? The smoke felt like it was choking my throat. It feels tight and there is a spicy sensation that immediately pierces my nose. It's like someone put ground pepper into my nose. My whole face felt hot, and I was sure the color had turned red by now.

"Seems like you don't like this." She took back her cigarette and smoked the damn thing and seemed to enjoy it. She managed to change the way I view her. Now what I see in her is a psychopath. So is Niki. And all the people who enjoy such torturous things.

"Don't teach your little sister to smoke, Ms!" A man who looked to be in his late thirties walked by and rebuked us. From the clothes he was wearing, he was probably one of the guests who attended Niki's weddings.

I smiled awkwardly at that man. He must have seen what just happened.

The man then looked at Kana, then spoke, "You don't want to be taught strange things either. Just study hard."

He left while shaking his head after saying that. After he left, Kana and I just looked at each other trying to digest what happened before we burst out laughing. At first I thought the one he was angry with was Kana but, it turned out to be me.

"That's because you look old!" Kana teased, trying to stop her laughter. I knew that she did look a lot younger than her age, but I didn't think that people would think I was older than her.

"That's because you insist on wearing jeans to events like this," I don't want to lose. "You look like a middle schooler."

"So don't teach middle school kids to smoke!" She smoked her cigarette again with a mocking expression.

I snatched the cigarette from her hand, then stomped it under my shoe until the embers went out. Yes, I did feel very comfortable with her to dare to do this kind of thing. "No more smoking!"

"Why?" She looked at the butt of his cigarette which had not formed on the ground. "It's a shame to have to throw it away."

"I don't want you to get sick," I said.

She smiled broadly at that, then put her cigarette case and lighter in my hand. "Okay, I won't smoke."

Sometimes, I feel so comfortable that I forget where I am. About who I am, also who Kana is. How she treats me makes me feel that she considers me as a friend. Because of that, I, who shameless, treated her like a friend in return. However, there are limits that I have to keep in mind. Sometimes I remember it, then other times I don't care. Like this time. When we sat next to each other with our shoulders crossed. I felt close to her and became self-conscious.

"Don't tell Niki about this," she said later, "that I like you more than her."

I turned to look at her who was too close to me. She didn't realize it because she was busy enjoying the ricefield terraces in front of her.

"I think it's because she's from the agency, that's why she's so strict and disciplined," she continued, "But you're not like that. I'm grateful to have chosen you instead of taking a new bodyguard from the agency."

Yes that's correct. I am her bodyguard. And she is married. Why is it so hard to stay sober and just focus on work? I turned my face elsewhere.

"I'm not professional enough compared to them who from the agency," I mumbled lowly. Feeling inferior and feeling that Kana should have taken another bodyguard from a more experienced agency.

"Who cares about that?" She patted my shoulder then jumped off the couch. "How about we go back in there and say goodbye to Niki? I think I should just rest at the hotel."

"Kana," I called, stopping at once. I wanted to tell her not to be so nice to me because she didn't really know me yet. What if I like her instead? What if it got her in trouble instead. She is married, and she is doing well with her life. I could have ruined it. I can take it in a different context when she says she likes me like that.

"Yes?" She turned to me while tilting her head slightly to the left. Waiting for what I want to say to her. Her eyes widened as she blinked a few times.

As usual. I have nothing to say. All the sentences that were in my head suddenly disappeared when she looked at me like that. I became losing my self-conscious again. Doesn't she know about me? Don't know what I feel. I can take advantage of her and stay close to her.

"Help me up!" I stretched out my hand towards her.

She grabbed my hand without thinking and then pulled me. She even kept holding it while leading the way to Niki's place. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. This is even more than just being ignorant.

***

While in Niki's hometown, we stayed at the only five-star hotel in the city that already has a nationally big name called Royal G. Kana booked two rooms for us to stay. One is a regular room for Mang Ramli, and the other is a penthouse room for the three of us. She occupied the main room, while Mbak Dedeh and I were in another room with a single bed. The hotel is built on a hill, and we were on the top floor, the eighth floor so that when we stepped out onto the balcony, we had a view of the whole city in front of our eyes.

Mang Ramli and Mbak Dedeh did not come back, they still wanted to see the weddings until it was over. Mang Ramli said that Niki was like his own son. He even shed tears when the ceremony took place. Meanwhile, Mbak Dedeh just wanted to have a culinary tour at Niki's event. According to her, Padang cuisine is the most delicious in the world.

Only Kana and I returned that afternoon. She immediately went to take a shower and rest in her room. So, I waited while watching television in the lounge, right in front of her room. The journey to here is tiring. We arrived in the middle of the night because the plane was delayed by a few hours and I haven't rested since then. Maybe that's why Kana wanted to rush off to take a break. Actually I can also rest with a little sleep. However, it's still noon, and Kana might need something while there's no one else here but me.

I just randomly changing channels. None of the shows interest me. Several times I stopped at an old Korean drama that I had watched before, then I changed it again because I was bored, then didn't find an interesting broadcast and came back to the drama. So over and over again that I felt really sleepy.

Maybe a cup of hot coffee will change things. I got up and headed for the mini bar area. There are several instant coffee sachets there, but no hot water. They did provide an electric kettle, but I was too lazy to boil the water. So I glanced at the canned coffee in the fridge and thought, cold coffee is not that bad.

I just opened the coffee can and took a sip when Kana came out of her room. There were no doors in the penthouse except for the bathroom, the balcony, and out into the corridor. Each room is  separated by a wall and also a doorway. It was only natural that she heard the commotion I had with the television just now and feeling annoyed.

She had changed into something more comfortable and relaxed. A sleeveless, loose-fitting collared t-shirt and knee-length sweatpants. Coupled with her half-wet shoulder-length hair, she had made me feel like a p*****t who couldn't stop staring at her.

I felt my heart beat faster than before and my head felt really light. Maybe it's the caffeine effect from the coffee I just drank. The effect is fast and effective even though I just drank a sip. I have to remember this brand. Who knows one day I'll be staying up late.

"My head hurts!" she whined at me. She does look a little sluggish despite how pretty she is to my eyes right now.

I put my still full coffee can on the mini bar table, then came over to her. "Want me to buy you paracetamol?"

She shook her head. "I'm very sleepy but can't sleep. That's why my head hurts."

Means sleep will be the way out. If she forced it, she would eventually fall asleep too.

"And I didn't get my cigarette earlier," she added. "Maybe a little bit of nicotine will ease it."

It hadn't even been a day since she had promised not to smoke. I think she's addicted to nicotine.

"But I promised to you that I wouldn't smoke," she said later. "Because of that, shouldn't you take responsibility?"

"Want me to make you some warm milk?" I asked. I could go buy milk at the supermarket and then warm up some water for her. It's not difficult for me as long as I can help her.

She shook her head again. Weaker than before. "I want you to do something else."

"Sure, what is it?" I feel capable of doing anything for her. Seeing her usually cheerful become lethargic like this made my heart ache.

"Accompany me to sleep!" she asked.

It took me more than a second to comprehend her request. And more than a second I spent blinking in confusion.

"The bed is too big and I hate being alone," she continued with a chuckle.

And that just confused me even more. Hadn't she always slept alone?

"I've been here a long time," I finally said after escaping my confusion, though not completely.

"I mean," she sighed tiredly because I didn't understand what she was saying. She then pointed to her bedroom with her thumb. "I can't see you from inside, that's why I feel alone here."

I even thought that the television was too loud.

"You want me to sleep with you?" I asked, trying to convince myself that I had not misunderstood or perhaps I had misheard what she had said.

She nodded in approval.

There's actually nothing wrong when a girl asks another girl to sleep with her. I just too petty and think it's something extraordinary. It's a different story if I were a man. Asking me to sleep with her could mean that she's trying to seduce me.

She's not seducing me. She didn't even know I was attracted to her. She doesn't know that I'm always amazed by her appearance no matter she just woke up or just came out of the beauty salon. She just thought of me as an ordinary girl. Same it seems.

And...isn't this common among girls?

"Okay," I agreed. I spun her around, then pushed her back into the bedroom. "I will keep you company."

Hearing her request fulfilled, she became cheerful again and jumped on the bed with a happy face because her wish was granted. Then, she patted the spot beside her. "Come here!"

I obeyed and came beside her. I sat in the empty space she meant trying to act casual. "You can sleep now."

She lay down, then pulled the blanket up to her neck. "Aren't you wondering why I suddenly hate being alone?"

Of course that was a question for me too. And I didn't answer. Just give a little smile as she straightened the blanket to covered her body. Sometimes she looks like a child. Especially when she act like this.

"I didn't hate being alone," she continued because I didn't respond to her question. "Then when I heard the sound of your television, I thought. Ah! You're here with me. I'm not alone. But, if you're here with me, why don't you accompany me? Doesn't that mean I'm alone? I suddenly hate the thought that you left me. alone here."

I chuckled hearing her rambling. Is she too sleepy? Because she was starting to sound like a drunken woman. "So you prank on me?"

"No!" She shook her head. "I do hate being alone. I've decided that from now on, I'm going to hate being alone."

How could I not laugh at her bullshit? "Isn't this kind of thing that can't be decided like that easily?"

"This kind of thing?" She turned her body sideways to face me. "What do you mean?"

I gulped when I accidentally looked at the low collar that showed off her collarbone. My heart beats even faster. This time it wasn't because of the coffee. I'm sure with that.

I immediately looked away from her. I shifted and sat leaning against the head of the bed looking straight ahead. "Humans can't decide what they want to hate or like."

"Of course I can," she replied, "unless you don't think I'm human."

"Probably a monkey," I said casually.

"You!" She hit my leg with a pillow. "You dare to joke on me huh?"

I responded by laughing while imagining that there was a monkey beside me now, not Kana. Trying to take my mind off looking at her body. Repeatedly saying that I'm not a p*****t doesn't seem successful. That's why I tried to divert it.

"That's right, that you can decide," she insisted on the original topic. She sat up, then imitated me sitting back against the head of the bed. "Humans have hearts as well as minds. Just because they are hidden doesn't mean they don't belong to us. Just like your hands and feet that you can control what to do. So are your hearts, your thoughts. They are yours, so you can control them. You want to like something, then tell them you like it. Then you will like it. Likewise if you want to hate something."

What if I don't want to like her, but also don't want to hate her? What should I say to my heart and mind?

After all it's not as easy as she said. Like this time. When I don't want to think about it, when I force myself to just focus on work instead of peeking at my boss's body, even when I imagine a monkey. Nothing worked. Does that mean this heart and mind is not mine?

"In conclusion, you don't really hate being alone." I looked back at her and it was a big mistake I did.

She was right next to me. Looking back at me with a pair of eyes that could trap me in it. The longer it takes, the deeper it pulls me. Further. Making it impossible for me to get out of her trap.

"I don't hate being alone. What I hate is missing the chance to be with you."