STATUE

SPECIAL CHAPTER ENDS

Trust Issues, self-love.

Yan lang naman yung mga pang karaniwan na dinideal ko sa araw-araw, yes. I have a battle that I have been always fighting in my own na kahit sino yata hindi maiintindihan yon, even my husband.

Have you ever wonder on what things can make you actually feel happy? Lagi ko yan tinatanong sa sarili ko, ano ba yung magpapasaya sakin? Bakit parang hindi ako makontento, bakit parang kulang ako?

And I realize that I am giving all the support, love and care to the people around me na nakalimutan ko na naman yung sarili ko, alam mo yung binigay mo lahat pero hindi pala nila kaya ibalik sayo, so you end up being empty?

Bigla kang magiging sensitive sa maliliit na bagay, bigla kang masasaktan sa kahit anong negative na marinig mo kahit hindi ganon ka big deal yan, why? Because you have been felt that you are not actually worth it, pakiramdam mo wala ka talagang kwenta. Kaya tatanungin mo ano ba talaga halaga mo sa kanila?

You tried to be perfect for them, you tried to be good for them, you have tried everything para sa ikabubuti nila but then, they did not even try to make you feel better o mag effort para sayo. All the negative thoughts and feelings, lahat yan mafifeel mo pag pakiramdam mo wala na talagang natira sayo.

"Mommy, you are looking at nowhere again. Kanina pa naiyak si katy"

Napalingon ako sa anak ko na pilit inaabot ang tinidor na nalaglag nya, "Oh. I am so sorry baby" Agad kong inabit dito ang tinidor nya

Arkhe is looking at me "Mommy, lately napapansin ko para kang laging nakatingin sa kung saan, are you okay?"

I smile at him, Arkhe is already a big boy, madalas nya na maintindihan yung mga bagay na dapat pang samin lang ni Azi, madalas inoobserve nya kami ng daddy nya and I don't know if it is a good thing.

"I am fine, may iniisip lang ako anak"

"Hmm, is it about daddy's birthday" Excited na sabi nito

Oo nga pala mag bibirthday na si Azi bukas, "I think so, nag pa plan kasi si mommy na isurprise si daddy nyo, ano sa tingin nyo?"

I look at katy, puro kain lang ang ginagawa nito. Katy is very special to us, late na sya magsalita kaya talagang lagi namin sya kinakausap, her doctor told us that eventually makakapag salita din si Katy, actually nakakapag salita naman na sya pero hindi katulad nung mga kasabayan nya, she is already 2 years old yet she can only say eat, ya means kuya and mi which means mommy and she called her daddy, a di.

"That's exciting, naiisip ko ano magiging reaction ni daddy, he is always working and I think he needs a break, right?"

Tumango ako dito at ngumiti, pagkatapos nila kumain ay agad akong nagligpit, I let them play outside our house. Secured naman dahil nakasara naman ang gate namin.

I try to chat one of my friend para gumawa ng cake bukas, nag order nalang ako ng made to order foods para hindi na din mahalata ni Azi, I am smiling while I am trying to prepare everything for him tomorrow.

Lately kasi medyo busy na din sya, I don't want to think about it kasi ayokong maisip na nawawalan sya ng time samin. Tyaka para naman to sa mga bata kaya sya nag tatrabaho.

Everything was already set for tomorrow, hindi ko alam bakit ako kinakabahan o kung pano, I delete some conversation in my phone baka kasi sakaling iopen nya, but knowing Azi he won't even going to open my phone, ako yung mahilig magbuklat kaya lang ayaw nya din minsan, nagagalit sya.

"Hi, how was your day?"

It was already late at nagising lang ako ng tumabi sya sakin.

He kissed me and hug me "Kind of tired"

I look at the clock beside him and saw that it was already 10 pm

"Kumain kana ba?"

Tumango ito, halatang pagod.

I hug him back "Azi, do you have any plans for tomorrow?"

"Hmm, I don't know, why?"

"Wala naman, I was just asking."

Kasi mamaya bigla syang may plano with his friend or co-workers tapos mag antay kami dito diba?

"I still don't know about tomorrow, kung ano nalang siguro meron bukas"

Hindi ako kumibo dito.

So, we fell asleep right after that. We did not say good night to each other anymore, dati kahit anong pagod namin sa work, sa bahay. Hindi namin makakalimutan magsabi ng good night or I love you bago matulog, but maybe things would really change pag matagal na kayo.

Nagising ako na wala na sya sa tabi ko, I feel so disappointed na hindi ko manlang sya nabati. I check my phone, maaga pa naman pero bakit wala na sya?

Amoy na amoy ko ang pabango na ginamit nito, napabuntong hininga ako.

Siguro dapat masanay na lang ako na may mga nagbabago na ngayon, I can not expect Azi to stay what he is nung naging kami. I should be open that things would be different from before, I can not rely on him anymore. Maybe, I should try to focus on me and my children.

Hindi naman ako magbabago sa kanya, pero babawasan ko yung pagiging clingy ko or yung way kung pano ko sya i-approach sa lahat ng bagay kasi parang I am giving all to him pero sya? I don't know. I can't feel him anymore and that's why I end up thinking this way.

I know, I don't deserve asking myself am I giving all his needs? Worth it ba talaga ko? Toxic.

I feel like I am losing myself in the process while I am giving myself to him, he have me. But, do I have him?

Maybe I just feel so down that I have been thinking of this way and I know this is bad, it's bad to think of something negative especially on him, he's my husband. Maybe, there might be something wrong with me, baka kailangan kong makuntento sa kung anong pinapakita at binibigay nya sakin ngayon, baka kailangan ko lang na mas mahalin ang sarili ko para maintindihan sya.

I don't want to be like this, I know that I'm not like this, I always tend to understand things and let him do anything he likes without feeling all this negative vibes.

I end up surprising a person na may kainan pala sa office, I feel like I was out of place when they all turn their heads to me. Agad tumakbo ang anak ko papunta sa kanya at niyakap sya, they give the ballons that they really want to buy earlier for their dad.

Ngumiti ako dito at pina ayos ang dala kong pagkain sa mga kasama kong nagbitbit ng pagkain na inorder ko, I roam my eyes around and I see how they actually prepared for his birthday. Madaming pagkain ang naka handa.

I greet him a happy birthday, he smile and hug me.

"Thank you babe"

Pakiramdam ko bigla ay maiiyak ako, I did my best to surprise him and I guess I only want is to make him see the things that I'm doing for him.

Everything was really fast that I didn't even notice that he was kneeling down in front of me.

He was teary-eyed and I know what would happen next, he pulls out the ring from his pocket.

"I would never miss the chance of marrying you over and over again, I know you very well. Alam ko na nagtatampo ka na sakin, for sure you were thinking something worst. But, I was just really busy preparing for our soon to be next wedding"

He didn't ask me at all and put the ring on my finger, I mean. How can I even talk if all I can do is to cry.

I pull him up and hug him, he even kisses me and I just heard the people clapping.

"Happy Anniversary, Kate"

I realized that I forgot that this is our day as well. After all, lahat naman yata tayo may nakakalimutan kasi iniisip natin is yung negative sides agad kung bakit ganito. Sometimes, we don't see the brighter side of what is happening as we are trying to focus on what can hurt us.

In every relationship, there would be someone who would be really patient about the things that are happening to both of you and I guess that is how actually works, you might be dealing with any problem but at the end of the day. There would be someone who would clean the mess on your mind.

From this day on, I guess it's a call for me that I need to learn more things and be matured enough to be a great wife and a mother to my children.

END

Gayle Writes