Yours Remotely

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 9

Valentine’s Day was getting closer than I liked. I figured it would be a tough one. Josh was still seeing me a couple of times a week. He showed no signs of frustration even though our relationship never seemed to get past the casual dating stage. I liked spending time with him even though I sometimes felt like such a cheat. I knew our relationship had no future, and I should have told him the truth. On the other hand, our arrangement suited me fine, and because he didn’t seem to mind, I had no reason to dump him.

This was why the events on the first of February took me by surprise. After leaving the cinema, we had gone to our favourite pub for a few drinks. We had a lengthy and animated conversation about the film we had just seen as we had completely opposing views on the ending. We laughed at each other’s comments and sipped our drinks. I thought we were having a great time until we exhausted the topic of the movie. Josh went quiet and suddenly looked troubled. Then he said, “You know, Lea, we have been going out for a few months now.”

“Four.” It had all started in October.

“Yes, four months.” Josh twisted his hands and didn’t look at me. “I’m just starting to feel like this is going nowhere. You seem to enjoy my company, but somehow it always feels like you’re not letting me close. Perhaps even that you’re not really interested in me.”

His eyes were pleading when he looked up at me.

I wanted to tell him that it was not true and that of course I was interested. I just couldn’t form the words.

“Lea, I must ask. Is there someone else?”

I stared at him. Where had he come up with this?

“It just feels like a logical explanation. And I guess I’d prefer that to me just not being interesting and good-looking enough. I know that you could get anybody you want…”

I couldn’t help bursting into laughter. The corners of his mouth turned up too, but he soon sobered up.

“Is it an ex?” He looked at me wistfully.

I shook my head but could not utter an objection.

“Current?”

I shook my head again.

“Future?” he asked with an attempt to lighten up the atmosphere.

My final head shake was vague, but I still couldn’t speak.

“I wouldn’t want to get in the way…” Then he went quiet again and glanced towards the bar. “Lea, I really thought that this could be something, that this relationship would work.” Josh shook his head and turned to face me again. “But I can’t carry on like this. If you’re not interested, there is no point.”

He waited for me to say something, but when there was no response, he continued, “That’s it then.”

He grabbed his coat from the back of his chair and stood up. I couldn’t get to my feet, and I didn’t want to make a scene in front of the other customers.

“Josh, I’m sorry,” I mumbled.

I thought for a moment that he had not heard me, but then he turned towards me and nodded.

“Me too, Lea. Me too. I’ll see you around.” He raised his hand in a quick wave. Then he turned around and walked out of the bar.

I looked around, but no one looked at me with pity, glee or even interest. No one realised I had just been dumped.

I stared at my glass of wine for a moment and decided to down it before I left. There were only two or three sips left. If I finished it, I wouldn’t draw as much attention to myself. I didn’t need to make a fool of myself.

* * *

A few days later, I was over at Sinead’s for a girls’ night in. We had rented a couple of films, and after watching them, we lounged around in our armchairs. Sinead drained the last few drops of her water, and I dug out the last remaining peanuts from my bag. Sinead was telling me all about her new colleague and his strong arms and beautiful eyes. I estimated that if the man was single, Sinead would be out on a date with him within a month. She seemed to be under the same impression, and even though she hadn’t yet – in a week – managed to figure out if he was unattached, she was hoping for something to happen around Valentine’s Day.

“What is Josh planning for Valentine’s?” Sinead asked while looking for her phone beneath the sofa cushions.

I had not got around to telling her that Josh had nothing to do with my Valentine’s Day plans. It just hadn’t come up, and I had somehow hoped that the truth wouldn’t come out. As if I would have been so lucky. Sinead had constantly been asking for updates on our relationship; in fact, she had been more interested in it than I had.

“Nothing for me anyway,” I responded and wrapped my arms around my knees as if to shield myself.

The look on Sinead’s face was incredulous even though she said nothing.

“He dumped me.”

“He dumped you! Whatever for?”

I didn’t get a chance to respond before a horrible thought entered her mind.

“You didn’t even get to bed with him yet!”

I wished she would stop shouting all her thoughts out loud. She did have neighbours.

Then Sinead evidently thought of something even worse because she took a deep breath and put her hands up to her cheeks.

“That’s not why he dumped you, is it?”

I would have laughed if she hadn’t seemed so genuinely shocked. “No, that’s not why he dumped me,” I said, smiling from behind my knees.

“Why then? He better have a good reason. He wouldn’t have broken it off that easily, and if there’s anything that can be done to patch it up, then I-”

“It can’t be fixed, Sinead. He had a good reason.”

“Well, tell me!” Sinead demanded and moved so close to the edge of the couch that it looked like she could fall off at any moment.

“He thought I might have someone else.”

Sinead’s mouth fell open. “But that’s ridiculous. Of course there’s no one else. You did tell him that, right?”

I exhaled loudly and grabbed a cushion so that I had something I could squeeze for comfort. “No.”

“Lea, you’re an i***t! You let a good man go because you couldn’t be bothered to tell the truth. What’s wrong with you?” Then Sinead thought of something else. “You haven’t got anyone else, have you?”

She looked desperate, and I found despair creeping into my mind too. I would at least have to tell my best friend the truth.

“It’s Gary.”

Sinead looked confused while she tried to match the name to someone she knew.

“Gary? That singer?”

I nodded. I knew she wouldn’t be happy.

“Lea, you’re even more of a stupid bloody fool than I thought! What’s the matter with you? Josh was perfect for you, and you f**k it all up by cheating on him with some self-absorbed, s*x-crazed celebrity! You’re such a moron. Josh was right to leave you.” Sinead tossed her empty water bottle in the direction of the kitchen.

I tried to think of something in my defence, but Sinead got there first.

“And if you’re going to tell me that s*x with Gary is worth it, don’t even go there. If he’s good in bed, it’s only because he has shagged dozens and dozens of women. And if you think that he wants anything else from you but a quick shag here and there, you’re really naive. He sees you when it suits him and when he happens to be around. Don’t even dream that it will ever be any more than that.”

I started to get angry. Who was Sinead to tell me what Gary wanted from me and what I was supposed to do?

“Who I go to bed with is my own business. It’s none of your business what I do with my life.”

“Yes, it is, Lea! Don’t forget that I am your best friend and I,” she emphasised this by putting her hand on her heart, “am the one you run to when your heart gets broken and everything goes wrong.”

“You don’t know Gary!” I declared loudly and stood up. I didn’t want to argue with Sinead and particularly not over something as silly as this.

“I don’t, and I don’t want to! If you know him that well, then you know that I’m right. Forget that man and get Josh back!”

“I don’t want Josh back! I never wanted Josh!” I grabbed my coat. I pulled my uncomfortable ankle boots on me and picked up my handbag. “And I never said I wanted to be in a serious relationship. I’m a grown-up woman, and I’ll do what I want!” I didn’t feel particularly grown-up when I marched towards the front door.

“If you’re so grown-up, stop living in those teenage daydreams!” Sinead shouted before the door slammed closed behind me.

Once on the street, I started half-running. Sinead lived about 15 minutes away from me, but at this rate, it would take me half that time. The cold air pinched at my cheeks, and I felt tears running down them. At an empty bus stop, I stopped and leaned my back against the cold wall. The angry tears flowed even faster. I hated Sinead, I hated Josh, I hated Gary, but most of all, I hated myself. I hated my stubbornness, naivety and weakness. I hated the day I had ended up in that stupid TV studio a year and a half earlier. I hated that I had managed to tell myself that a man like Gary could ever be seriously interested in anyone and particularly in someone like me. Sinead was right; I was a fool, but I would never admit that to anyone.

* * *

A couple of days later, I was on my own at work in the morning. Linda was off, and Sharon, who only worked part-time hours, had not started her shift yet. It was quiet, and I was trying to work out which new models were going to be popular so that we’d know what quantities to order. My boss, Keith, had been giving me more demanding tasks recently, and I worried about completing them. He would check the orders before sending them, but I didn’t want him to think of me as stupid.

The bell above the door rang, and I looked up from the computer screen. Sinead walked in, warmly wrapped up in a red coat that matched the colour of her cheeks, a striped scarf and a matching beret pulled deep down on her head. She struggled through the door with an awkward load. She threw a pile of opened publications on the counter and gave me a piercing stare.

“Read those. Read them, and then tell me something can come out of it.”

She patted the bundle with a gloved hand and marched out. I stared after her for a moment and then turned my attention to the package.

There were about a dozen tabloids, magazines and glossies. On the top of the file was a gossip magazine from the previous week – I checked the date – open on the centrefold. Among all the usual gossip, one of the hottest pieces of the week was that “the sexy and gravelly-voiced singer Gary Rock All of The Remotes” had been spotted at a charity do with some pop star. That was all wrong; Gary didn’t have a gravelly voice. His speaking voice was ordinary although lovely, and his singing voice wasn’t particularly throaty either unless it was required. Besides, he would never fall for a pop singer.

An interview in another magazine asked which of the band members got the most attention from the opposite s*x. I had no doubt that Mick had answered the question honestly.

“It is categorically and predictably, Gary. I’d say for every woman Jamie, Alex or I get, Gary gets at least five. Or should I say for every woman Jamie, Alex and I get. Every time a girl tries to chat up one of us three, at least five women have tried it on with Gary. And usually, those five women are five times better-looking too.”

Alex butted in and added considerately that any women who had tried to pick him up had been good-looking while Gary tried to play it down and say it wasn’t quite true.

The next interview was written by some awful b***h who thought Gary had been flirting with her because he “put his hand briefly on my arm and eyed me throughout the interview.” That wasn’t how Gary worked, stupid cow.

The rest of the magazines were the same. They said how the band was constantly surrounded by beautiful women in their crew and backstage and how during the brief autumn tour the band had hosted one party after another and the upcoming tour was expected to be even wilder.

Annoyed, I threw the papers into the already overflowing bin behind the counter. Sinead was some friend and pretty stupid if she thought I’d change my mind because of a few articles in the press.

Sharon walked in. Blowing on her hands, she joined me behind the counter. “What’s this pile here?” she said pointing at the bin.

“Ah, my friend thought it was funny,” I said and tried to bring my focus back to the upcoming Nokia models. Sharon grabbed a newspaper from the top of the pile which was slowly sliding towards the floor.

“Good choice. This bloke is one of the hottest things in today’s music business,” Sharon gloated and pointed at a particularly flattering picture of Gary.

I struggled to hide my surprise. Sharon was in her thirties, had two small children and a nice, if ordinary, husband, and I had never heard her talk about anybody in such a fashion. My astonishment aside, I found it hard to hide my reddening cheeks, so I changed the topic.

“Do you want coffee? It’s so cold outside”. I started making my way towards the door that led upstairs into the office.

“Thanks, Lea. I wouldn’t say no to a coffee,” Sharon responded and crumpled the newspapers into the bin.

I wished I could have taken the piece of my brain that contained Gary, crumpled it like a newspaper and thrown it out.

* * *

Valentine’s Day came and went. I didn’t get flowers or chocolates, no card from a secret – and definitely not from a well-known – admirer, no text message, no phone call. I hadn’t expected it, but one likes to live in hope.

My life settled into a comfortable and quiet routine. I didn’t see Sinead. I hadn’t spoken to her after the episode involving the papers and magazines. I thought it was up to her to apologise, and she probably thought the same about me. My weekends were quiet even though I went out with Linda from work a couple of times. Linda was a nice girl, and we had fun together, but she complained that I stole all the attention from men. Linda thought she was fat, I thought she was a little chubby, she thought she was ugly, and I thought she was a little plain. I tried to convince her that I wasn’t fighting men off with a stick either, but having grown up in the shadow of a more attractive friend, I knew what she was talking about.

Suse soon caught on and realised that Josh and I had broken up. She didn’t pry but waited until I told her what had happened. I didn’t tell her the whole truth but gave her a vague description of how Josh thought I had lost interest. Suse tried to be sympathetic and to make room for me in her busy schedule and spend a couple of nights with me at home, but I could always tell she would rather be with Jonah. Eventually, she too left me in peace.

I asked Ben to go to the cinema with me, but in a typically manly gesture, he turned me down. He had taken the bull by the horns and asked Helen for her phone number on her last day. After a few weeks of internal battle, he had finally asked her out for a few drinks. Nothing serious, but at least they were going out, just the two of them. This happened to be the same night when I wanted to go to the cinema, so I lost. I couldn’t blame him. He had been head over heels with Helen for the last two years, so it was about time he tried to do something about it.

The Remotes’ Rushing Forward tour started mid-March and hit all the biggest cities in the British Isles; London, Manchester, Dublin, Belfast, Newcastle, Birmingham, Cardiff… It was mostly sold out even though the band did not play the biggest venues yet. The newspapers were full of conflicting gig reviews, and I tried not to take notice of the sarcastic comments, particularly concerning Gary’s stage name. I knew that Gary Rock All was a daft name, but he had told me that he had been branded with it pretty much the day he had first picked up a guitar. It had been 12 years, more than half his lifetime, so it wasn’t going to be easy to shift.

I knew when The Remotes was going to be in town. I had looked up the tour dates months earlier and was more excited about the 23rd April than I was about my birthday just under two weeks earlier. There was little I could do to meet Gary. I still didn’t have his number because he always hid it when he rang me. I also didn’t want to be a regular groupie and hang around at the hotel or venue. I just had to wait for him to want to see me.

This got me thinking again about what Sinead had said. I realised she didn’t want me to get hurt. She had seen me in man trouble before and didn’t want me hurt again. She was also more sensible in the way that she didn’t lose her concentration and ability to speak when she as much as saw Gary on TV. On the other hand, Sinead had never met Gary and could not give a considered opinion of him. There was a deep, dark corner of my mind that understood it would have to end though. I didn’t want to lose my best friend over a man, and I also didn’t want to end up in the loathed tabloids selling made-up kiss-and-tell stories about Gary. I would have to finish this mess I had got caught in. It wouldn’t be easy, but I had to do it, and the sooner the better. It would have to be on the 23rd April.

I smelled trouble when less than two weeks before the gig – on my birthday as it happened – I saw a missed call on my phone when I was leaving work. It wasn’t unusual, especially on my birthday, but when I saw that the call was from a private number, butterflies started gathering in my stomach. I tried to tell myself that it was a sales call or something official.

Once at the bus stop, I listened to the voicemail. He had not left his name in the message, but he didn’t need to. It’s surprisingly easy to recognise a voice that you hear on the radio all the time.

The message was short and sweet and said that he would be in the area on the 23rd. It also informed me that he had a room booked at the Victoria. Nothing else. He didn’t give his name, not my name, didn’t even ring off with a thank you or goodbye. And yet I stood at the bus stop, feeling my cheeks flush and my mouth curl up into a smile that turned to a frown when I remembered my decision. I would have to break up with Gary - even though there had never been anything between us to begin with.