My Perfect Fake-Boyfriend

Dumb Blonde

Turn out I didn’t have to break up with Ed, he broke up with me. Apparently, I am too boring and am no longer inspiring him. Not that he said it in those exact words, I’m paraphrasing, for the most part.  

Ed is a so-called artist, not that his art is bad per say, its more that it doesn't have the soul and raw emotion I hear I'm supposed to be feeling. I told him as much, maybe that’s why he broke up with me. 

I was currently sitting on our picnic table and Sydney and Emma were trying to get me to answer their questions even though I already did, like 10 times. 

You’d think that after my 10th boyfriend they’d get bored.  

Let me explain before you get any ideas, I’ve had 5 official boyfriends over the last three years. I was more or less talking about the unofficial boyfriends the ones who went on enough dates to be exclusive but never lasted long enough for a proper label.  

Anyway, I'm just trying to say that the excitement should have worn off by now. Then again, they did call me their “Portal to the world of dating”. They didn’t date much, whether it was by choice or lack of options, I wasn’t sure. 

Boys are weird. 

“So, did he? I repeat, did he say the l word?” Sydney asked meanwhile Emma got comfortable in her position staying silent as usual. 

“NO! He didn’t say love!” I argue, then quickly mumble “It was only one boyfriend.” 

“But you still broke up with him!” 

“No. He broke up with me.” 

“Why?” her eyebrow raised so high, that I feared it would get lost behind her evenly cut bags. 

“Because I wouldn’t say it back.” I mutter darkly, annoyed that I dated such a prissy 

Sydney and Emma say the same thing “My point exactly.” 

Well, Emma signed it, see Emma is in PTSD due to trauma a couple years back. I still don’t know what happened, or how bad it was. Just that it had to do with men, and I had to figure that out on my own. She never dated or even communicated to a single guy in this school (, besides her bodyguard who was sitting a table over). Or anywhere else. Either way, Sydney and I learned ASL quick so we can communicate fluidly with one another, it is also like our own secret language. Emma can hear, but I make sure to sign just to practice. 

I don’t know what happened to her, but she promised to tell when she was ready. She made that promise years ago. 

“What point?” I ask while signing my question  

Emma groaned and put her hands in her head, looking completely exhausted. Then her head snaps up and she started signing really fast. The thing with ASL is that if you mess up the signing you mess up the sentence. While speaking it is called slurring, in ASL it is called gibberish.  

I tell her to slow down and she repeats her knee bobbing up and down, the way she does when she has an answer to a particularly hard question. I hold my breath waiting for her to open her mouth and try and say something only for her to slump and then to dejectedly sign it. But it didn’t come instead she whipped out her phone and started typing, I read out loud for Sydney’s benefit. She was sitting across from us and couldn’t see.   

“We are jinxed!”  I read out loud over her shoulder as she keeps on typing 

“None of us can find true love! I am scared of men, Felicity won’t commit to a guy, and Sydney is friend-zoned by every single dude to walk on this school.” 

By the end of her little rant, both me and Sydney are glaring at Emma. 

“Most of my ex’s broke up with me.” I protest 

“My platonic nature is mutual.” Sydney snaps. 

Emma rolls her eyes, looking like a mature old woman of 50, acting as if she were some wise lady and we were clueless teenagers. 

I glared at her, “Putting aside your blatant insult, we are not jinxed.” I deadpan 

Sydney ever the philosopher just stays quiet, thinking it through. I start to worry, usually if two of us agree on something, we can win over the third, but they seemed to be nearing the same end of the boat.  

“There is no such thing as being jinxed.” I repeat. 

Sydney’s eyes brighten, an argument clearly formed in her head, this was bad, really bad.  

“But last week, you found a dollar bill on the floor, you insisted, finding that dollar was pure luck.” Sydney says. 

What?  She was good at this saying non-sense to get her way. It works whenever i'm not there to pick apart her argument. 

“I..” but I was caught off by Emma elbowing me to do her ASL due to my pain, I only caught the last bit of her sentence.  

“......jinxing each other.” 

“Huh?” I ask, just as a group of boys pass by, one of them cough “dumb blonde”. Others snicker, some throw me winks and the polite one's wave or call out Sydney’s name. Emma is currently cowering behind her hair and glasses. Her dark hair doing little to hide her shaking frame.

James, Emma’s white bodyguard who is like 30-something spurs to attention in my peripheral.  

In front of me the group had come to a halt. 

I ignore their comments and poke at my salad, keeping my eyes on them. Careful to keep my expression blank.

Dario Varsity Athlete Guaman shuts them all up with dirty looks,  and I shut my mouth as he quiets the guys. I probably did look like a dumb blonde, I definitely sounded like one.  

“Anyway,” Dario clears his throat, his eyes meeting mine for a brief moment before focusing on Sydney. “I just wanted to ask you about our Art assignment.”  

Instead of shutting up, and staring into my plate, like a dumb blonde. My mouth runs off leaving my brain angrily yelling insults at the stupid part. 

“Who says ‘assignment’? That’s really lame.” slips out of my mouth before I can filter myself.  

It seems that Dario was also taken back by my comment. I was about to apologize when he responds meeting my stare head on. “Mr. Mans does, often. ‘Assignment’ rolls off the tongue quite nicely.”  

“Assignment.” I repeat then I continue “I’m pretty sure Mr. Mans made the word uncool, if it ever was.” 

He scoffs, our eyes still unblinking “Mr. Mans is the best; he is strict, that’s all.” 

“He sucks.” I deadpan remembering the time he made me read my essay aloud to the whole class, it nearly crippled my image. 

“C’mon man, she probably doesn’t like any of the teacher, because, well you know.” One of the boys in the background says, my eyes, finally blink as I look at Sebastian in disbelief. That was low, even for him. He seems to regret it as soon as my gaze hits him, he was always really petty after I dumped him.  

I c****d my head, and was about to stand up and give him a piece of my mind, or run to the nearest bathroom and burst into tears when Sydney wrapped her arms around me. And says with her stiffest voice to Dario, pointedly ignoring Sebastian, “Text me your questions later.” 

Sydney releases me from her hold and slips back into her seat and I follow her example glaring at Sebastian’s back as he retreats, ignoring the hurt in my chest. 

“I will.” 

My eyes snap back to Dario, I forgot he existed, he seemed uncomfortable. Apologetic, even. He looks at his friends widening his eyes and shooting Sebastian a look. At that moment, I decided that Dario wasn’t so bad.  

As his douche-bag for friends trudge away, I focus on Dario. Our eyes meet, and we seem to be engaging in a staring competition, eventually my eyes start to tear, and not wanting to ruin my makeup I give in, with a glare. I knew what he was expecting, ever the peace-maker he wanted an apology.

“Fine, I'm sorry, I almost fought your friend.” I concede 

“And...” He prompts 

“For interrupting your well-prepared questions.” I finish. 

He clears his throat, “I’m sorry the guys were...” 

“Idiots” I offer. 

Sydney who was quiet from an unusually long amount of time finally piped up “Ooh, check it out Emma, they are finishing each other's sentences.” she whispers, loudly.  

Dario raises an eyebrow, but his ears do darken.  

“Yes, and did you see how long they were staring into each other's eyes?” 

I pray to all that is holy that he doesn't know ASL.

“Oh, quit it!” I scold them then I turn to Dario “Well, it was a great chatting, but Emma and I need to skedaddle, so you and Sydney can chit chat about your assignment.” I make sure to drag out the assignment as Sydney and I flounce away. Leaving an amused Sydney, and a playfully ( I think) glaring Dario.