I'm Sorry but I Love You

Chapter 2: Still you

Nyx POV

They say that when you love, it hurts. For if it does not hurt, then it is probably not love.

But is it really necessary to get hurt this much when loving a person? Do some people really have to get this kind of excruciating pain, this very painful kind of unrequited love?

Weeks passed after that confession.. I isolated myself from him. I keep a distance. I know I should be the one to be blame, I should have not fallen inlove. I should have not let my heart beat for him. But there's no point of regretting now. I could clearly remember what he told me after I confessed.

"Nyx, I love you but I'm sorry, its not the way you do. I love you as my bestfriend and nothing could ever change that. And I will still love you the way I do until my last breath. Because you are Nyx, my one and only bestfriend"

And that's it. He loves me, but not more than a friend. He loves me as his bestfriend and sees me like a sister, nothing more, nothing less.

But he did kissed me back with the same need like I did. But he told me not to mention it, he was just swayed by my lips touching his.

After all those strength I gathered to say it in front of him, he still see me as a friend. But darn. Do bestfriends kiss like what we did that time? The hell. I am definitely sure that they don't. Well unless those friends with benefits or those f*ck buddies. Well nevermind, that was just so gross, I want to vomit at that thought.

"Nyx, I love you but I'm sorry, its not the way you do. I love you as my bestfriend and nothing could ever change that. And I will still love you the way I do until my last breath. Because you are Nyx, my one and only bestfriend"

"Nyx, I love you but I'm sorry, its not the way you do. I love you as my bestfriend and nothing could ever change that. And I will still love you the way I do until my last breath. Because you are Nyx, my one and only bestfriend"

"Nyx, I love you but I'm sorry, its not the way you do. I love you as my bestfriend and nothing could ever change that. And I will still love you the way I do until my last breath. Because you are Nyx, my one and only bestfriend"

"Ahhh enough, please stop" I keep on shouting while pulling my hair out of frustration. But my dumb mind keeps on playing back his words that poison my heart, and I have nothing else to do but cry in pain.

"Nyx, I love you but I'm sorry, its not the way you do. I love you as my bestfriend and nothing could ever change that. And I will still love you the way I do until my last breath. Because you are Nyx, my one and only bestfriend"

"Nyx, I love you but I'm sorry, its not the way you do. I love you as my bestfriend and nothing could ever change that. And I will still love you the way I do until my last breath. Because you are Nyx, my one and only bestfriend"

His words echoed to me like a broken disc. Like a clip in retrograde that keeps on flashing back to my mind. I just can't forget it, I can't forget the exact words that seems like a knife that stabbed me a million times, words that made my heart half dead. Hearing his words broke my heart, crash my world, and shatter it into pieces. Rain keeps falling as thousands of blades hit my body parts, tearing all the vital organs in it, billions of broken glass crushed into very fine granules, the colors slowly fade, smiles turn into tears, turning my world upside down. Why do it has to be him?

Yeah why do of all people on Earth it has to be you Erebus, why do it has to be you the one I am inlove with? Why do of all people I would fall for my bestfriend

It feels like I'm alive yet I'm already dead. I am breathing yet it feels like I no longer live. I just lock myself into my room and let out all those f-ckin' tears. I cried and cried until there were no more tears that could drop into my lifeless eyes.

But I have to pick myself up. I have to pick myself up even with all those shattered pieces. It's funny how he broke my heart yet I still love him with all those pieces. Of course my heartbreak s***h friend-zoned moment is still fresh. Within those days of mourning for my broken heart nope my dead little love being turned down by his prince, he still checks on me. Texting me to take care of myself and not to deprive myself from eating. Of course he knew me very well to the point that he really know what I usually do whenever I get down. Dang it. He still cares, of course he still do, he was still the same Erebus that I knew. How can I easily forget my feelings for you if you keep doing that way? If each day of trying to forget you makes me love you even more.

"At last you get out of that room of yours" said by someone.

I don't know who he is for my mind was still pre-occupied of Erebus' thoughts. I was shocked when he appeared in front of me, at first I thought it was my beloved Erebus but it turns out to be Eros. I roamed my gaze and there I saw him, I saw the man I love. Is he real? Or I'm just hallucinating? Do I really love him that much to the point that I'm imagining him to be here. Or maybe I'm still hoping that he would realize that he also feels the same?

"Nyx" Eros snapped his fingers.

I just look at him with my lifeless eyes. I looked back to the couch where I saw him earlier, but it turns out that it was just my imagination.

"Hey, where are we going" I screamed in shock when Eros pulled me-- nope scratch it he dragged me. That's it he dragged me. This fvcking moron. Err my hand hurts you d*mbass. What a jerk you are Eros?

"Hey, hey, let me go, where are we going? why do you have to drag me"

But he just continue dragging me to a place I-don't-know-where. He's quite strange, he don't talk. Err what's with this guy? Since I can't remove my hands from his grip, I just let him.. if it was Erebus, he won't drag me like this. Aish you little wicked, why do you have to think of him. Stop it, stop torturing yourself okay? I just came back to my senses when Eros let go of my hand. There I found myself in a seaside. It's already 3 in the afternoon.

"Do you like it?" he asked me while looking straight to my eyes

"Yeah, maybe it would be more beautiful if the sun sets" I said, turning my gaze to the sea. I missed him. He was supposed to be the one I am with at this moment. Watching the sun sets, next star gazing and lastly watching the sun rise. How I wish he was here. But that's quite impossible. Erebus must be busy with his stuffs.

"Exactly, that's why I bring you here, for you to unwind, relax your mind and let your wounded heart rest even just for a while" he sound so sad and broke. As of the moment Eros was at his vulnerable side. We kept silent after that. We just sat on the seashore while watching how wonderful the ambience is, appreciating the beauty of the nature as the sun goes down and hide with those clouds making a red orange light glow in the sky which is a very breathtaking view. We stayed there until the moon rises, it was so good to be outdoor and see the beautiful moon and stars. A very perfect view for selenophiles and asterophiles, maybe to uranophiles as well.

"The moon is beautiful isn't it?" Eros suddenly blurted out of the blue. I look at him, he was staring at the moon with a hint of pain and sadness in his eyes. I knew it, I knew what he was saying but it's just that I don't feel the same.

"Yes it is" I replied. He look at me and now I can clearly see the pain that flickered into his ocean blue eyes. Those vulnerable side of him was in full show but i just can't let him hope, I don't want to give him false hopes and I don't want to lose him as well.

I knew he just said his feelings a while ago, but I just pretended that I didn't get it. I knew I sound selfish but I just can't. I cant afford to lose him as well, I don't want to. I just make it sound like a very normal conversation, like someone who didn't know the meaning behind those words he just said a while ago.

"Did you know that were the same, I mean loving someone who can't love us back?"

I was caught off guard by his question. He sounded like a cat being abandoned by his owner. I'm sorry Eros, I am really, really sorry. If I could just love you just like the way you do, I would have definitely hug you tight and kiss you right now but I can't. I just cant. I'm sorry for causing you too much pain, you were too good and I don't deserve that.

"You keep on loving Erebus yet he only see you as his bestfriend, meanwhile I keep on loving you but you love your bestfriend.. oh I'm sorry, I just--" I cut him off

"Its okay, don't worry I understand and I'm sorry"

I'm really sorry Eros, I'm sorry because I can't love you back, sorry because I'm inlove with someone else when you were there for me, ready to catch me when I fall anytime, ready to patch up my wound even when you yourself is bleeding. You were just too good, you were my friend and I don't want to loose you. I intend to keep you as much as I can, even if it hurts.

I know he don't want to mention it, yet he was at his most vulnerable side. I understand him. We are actually the same, we were on the same boat. We are loving those who can't love us back. The only difference is that, it was me whom he loves that who can't love him back, while I love Erebus who can't love me back. We are both in this friend zone moment.

I know it's hard for him. And it's hard for me too, knowing that I could hurt a friend. I'm sorry Eros. Maybe were the same, I love Erebus yet he can't love me back, you love me yet I cant love you back. Erebus loves me, but not more than a friend. I also love you as a friend. If I could just teach my heart to love, I would. But it's not like that and will never be. I can't teach my heart to love you and just forget Erebus because all this time, it was him. It was him and only him that I love.

Maybe if we just met in other time, place and dimension, other circumstances, we may fall inlove with each other. Because you are one of those one of a kind, those person for keeps. But things we're not like that. And it takes time to heal all the wounds in our hearts. It takes time to heal even the scars left after the wounds heal. It would always be like that, always wondering what if and all? What if we are in a different situation, will our story be written? But darn all those what if's. I still want to be loved back by Erebus.

____

After 2 years..

I am totally fine. Finally

After that conversation with Eros in my apartment, I decided to go to London with my parents. I went there to heal my heart, pick up myself and those broken pieces of my heart.

In those years, I never heard about Erebus anymore. His last message was 2 years ago on my birthday, and since I decided not to get in touch with him again, I did not open it. I know its immaturity but that's how I cope up with my heartbreak with my bestfriend. I know after all these years it was still him. I still love him but I already accepted it. I have already moved on. Well moving on doesn't mean that you don't love the person anymore. It's about accepting the fact that you are not meant for each other. I still love him the way I do but I'll just keep it at the deepest depth of the bottom of my heart.

I'd be unfair to Eros if I would bring up Erebus. After a year of being in London enjoying myself travelling and visiting Hogwarts, the Gringots bank and all the place where Harry Potter series takes place, Eros appeared. Still the same Eros I know, enjoying each others company. And he said he still love me. I give him a chance, and been together for six months until now for I believe in myself that I'm over my beloved Erebus. I already love Eros, truly but not as much as he does. I love him and I'm sure of it. But who am I kidding? I knew in the deepest depth of my heart, there lies Erebus.

Maybe after all these years it was still him. It was still the one and only boy bestfriend who treats me as his princess. But too bad not as his queen.

Erebus I'm sorry for not answering your message. I'm sorry for ignoring you. I'm sorry cause even after all these years, I still love you. I know it's stupidity but I really love you. And i'll just let all these stupidity and idiotism over you be burried in the deepest depth of the chamber of my heart.