Dating a Gangster

Chapter Six: Retrospective

Three months later…

It’s been twelve weeks and so much but yet so little has transpired. My mom passed away without me getting a chance to hold her warm hand and speak my heart out to her. After I watched the nurses and doctor try to keep her alive until her last breath, something got cut out of me. It is as if her soul left her body with mine. I became numb, emotionless, out of touch with reality at times and I just could not even show up for myself for the most basic of things. The best part is, I got a lot of time off from work and everyone including my boss, was so understanding. They even booked and paid for my sessions with the psychologist, psychiatrist as well, my medication, everything pertaining my healing. After some time though I went back to work and honestly not much had changed in my state of mind, I was just able to get through a normal workday unlike before. The worst part about all of this is, my dad suffered a severe stroke and I blamed Lukhanyo and myself for everything. This is because my last encounter with my mother was her slapping me for not coming home with her car; she never spoke to me with her happy and warm voice, she didn’t make me a cup of coffee for the last time, she didn’t give me a hug and tell me I’m beautiful, we didn’t share any happy memories for the last time, in fact our last moments together was her giving me silent treatment. A lot circulated my mind day by day, like how had I not left with Lukhanyo after work maybe I would have probably been able to speak to my mother, even though she was in a coma, perhaps had I spoken to her, she would have had the courage to fight and become better. We have seen this all the time in hospitals and on the television. But instead I chose to go spend my mothers last moments with a man I did not know, especially three months ago. The pain, the guilt, and most importantly my reality was something I wanted to escape more and more each day. I had intervals of showing up for my father in the most apathetic way possible, that even he could visibly spot it, but we both had no choice. I had no feelings, I felt empty and dead inside. So yes, the last three months have been hell on earth for me, but there has been a silver lining in it all.

Lukhanyo January, carried me on his back for the past twelve weeks. It is as though immediately after I fell into my deep shell or pit for a lack of a better word, he came out of his. Our relationship just happened as a matter of circumstance because we never did things the formal way of him asking me out, we fall in love, all of that sweet and cute fairytale stuff, no. I had absolutely nothing to give to him and he had absolutely everything to give to my dad and I. As an only child in my family, it was my responsibility to make funeral arrangements, nurse my father back to health, ensure the upkeep of the house is at its tip top shape, pay bills, then, only then I could tend to my emotions and mental state. Fortunately for me, Lukhanyo assisted with the funeral arrangements so much that he practically planned it himself. He forged a relationship with my dad because he would hire a carer for him, assisted with my dads physiotherapy sessions, helped ensure my parents and house bills were paid, and everything went smoothly. When it came to my state of being though, he suggested I move in with him temporarily just for the burial arrangements, hoping I’d eventually get closure when I see my mothers casket going six feet under. After realizing that that did not make me any better instead I crumbled like a cookie, we sort of welcomed the idea of living with each other, especially because every time I had to spend the night at home, it was either I start hallucinating or I stay up all night without getting a wink of sleep. Of course after years of living with my parents in that house, all the memories would replay and race through my mind, each taking its own time to bring me closer and closer to a state of deep depression. I do have to mention though, today marks the end of the twelve week period and things are a bit better.

I have learnt to live with the loss of my mother, I now understand that living with it does not mean I am over it, it just means I acknowledge the pain together with the permanent absence but it does not define me and I do not succumb to it. A lot of hopeful thoughts have been running through my mind in the past two days, one of which is I have been secretly looking for my own apartment. Secretly means I have not told nor spoken about it with Lukhanyo and probably won’t until I have found a place I’m happy and comfortable with. The reason for this is I genuinely need my own space and I feel like it’s time I move out of his house so that we can also be able to see and experience our relationship being steered in a different direction without having it all being about me, what Amanda needs and wants. Personally I think the only way for us to grow as a couple is for us to start over, and secondly after much affliction and inner conflict, I finally came to terms with the fact that I will and do not want to move back into my parents house. Besides, I have a whole lot of financial freedom where I am, my dad and I sold moms car and he told me to use the proceeds to purchase myself a car, which I did try to get a small car for myself but Lukhanyo stepped in yet again, influenced me into buying a Mercedes Benz and even paid the amount remaining.

So financially I am soaring, it is the fastest and quickest freedom I have ever seen anyone attain, oh also my moms life insurance covers paid up, her estate got split between my dad and I, who again did not want any of it so automatically everything came to me except for the house which is still in his name. He wanted to sell the house but I came up with a better plan of renting it out since he moved to the countryside two weeks ago after his physiotherapist gave him the go ahead. Shame, he made quite the speedy recovery, I have to give him that. But nonetheless that’s where I currently am. Oh, Zinzi and Babalwa tried to support me for the first month, after that they decided to give me space because they could see that I had nothing left to offer in our friendship. I basically distanced myself out of grief and they did not fight anything. Another thing is they were uncomfortable with the fact that I started living with Lukhanyo, a man they did not even know themselves and they kept probing for me to pack my bags and move in with them instead, which of course did not happen.

As to why I invariably gave into living with a man, only God knows but I was sensible enough to reject their offers because it would have surely made me uncomfortable. I don’t expect my friends to be coming home day by day to a gloomy environment at home. Another thing is they would have wanted for us to go out drinking with hopes that I would cheer up, which they did suggest a number of times but what good would alcohol have done for me in the position I was in? Surely I would have turned into an uncontrollable alcoholic with the objective of numbing my reality.

Now, to address the most important part which has become a big portion of my life very quickly and avidly; Lukhanyo January. Of course I did not take the time I would have preferred to take and invest in getting to know him better but needless to say, living with him has afforded me a better chance to see and experience who and what he is. Let me break it down in the best way possible. Lukhanyo is a Civil engineer who has ventured into different businesses in different industries. In most of the businesses he is not as hands on as he is in others, mainly because he is only one person and thus cannot be physically involved in everything. He does own Sanook Cafe near my workplace, he owns the Sanook Restaurant near his place in Beacon Bay as well, he owns a club in Johannesburg, a pub and grill there too, and interestingly enough he owns a construction company. This is just to name a few which he mostly invests his time in, and seemingly likes the most. When it comes to finances, I do not think anyone could sit and be able to estimate his net worth because that man has the deepest pockets you could ever imagine.

He works a lot, understandably so but he does make time for me irrespective of the fact that I live with him. He also travels quite a bit judging from the stories he has been telling me but in this three month period, he has been a lot more present than absent, probably because I was not entirely stable, I guess. Now moving along to the emotions side, how do I feel about him? I am fond of him. I have grown into caring about him a lot, and hey I have lived with this man for an estimate of three months so I do like him, even though I spent the first month sleeping in the guest bedroom and maintaining a healthy distance inside the household. But do I actually love him? I am honestly not sure when it comes to that but we will have to see about that one. Reason being is my emotions have been completely tied up with my mother’s passing that I have not been sure about how I feel about anything for a while now, I also have not paid much attention to feelings and emotions in that way. Oh, and lastly just to provide some background about who this new significant other of mine, with a “S” on his chest for Superman, this is what I have managed to gather about him. Firstly he grew up in the most humble of beginnings, his parents died in a fire when he was ten years old, what caused the fire he still does not know. He is also an only child like myself so we relate to each other a lot in that case but he unfortunately went through a lot of foster homes to get to where he is now. His extended family never showed up for him when he was younger, hence the foster homes but apparently they did make a return to try and forge a relationship with him a couple of years ago after finding out about his success. He obviously gave them the cold shoulder like they did when he needed them the most, and thus there is absolutely no relationship there and no hope of ever establishing one.

The bodyguards and weird, questionable circumstances pertaining him actually ended up making a lot more sense now that I got to know him, watched and saw how he lives, and what he does for a living. Interestingly enough I also sometimes have cars tailing me from time to time but I brush it off and assume it’s his men, probably instructed by him to ensure I’m safe or whatever the case may be…