Howl Your Appellations

Weeping Memories

BOEN OPEOR

I manage to muster up the courage to steel myself. This is a very important topic for the both of us, it's what started the rift between us and what led us to this moment. In so many ways I am grateful, but from another glance, I've closed off so many memories that I know someday will overcome me. If we were to truly love each other now, one of us will surely rupture. I don't want our relationship to move forward while I'm still so unsure of myself. To learn about what I really am, wouldn't that, in turn, change me in a way? I don't know who I'll be and I'm scared that it's someone she can't love.

I clutch my crutch very hard. This conversation will happen sooner rather than later. We promised this to each other after all. This love that we have right now, it's so incredibly bitter...but I'll take it everyday. I stand up and slowly move towards my destination, illuminated by the moon. The day has been incredible, and the night dares to compete. The winding hallways of this sturdy old train, detracted from its original tracks so many years ago, shine brightly in a light orange glow. A wonderful night to dance to, but I am but a novice single-legged dancer and the sound of my heartbeat does not make for proper music. It gets louder and louder as I get closer to her.

I can hear Sana straining herself by singing a melancholic tune, a tune akin to a music box's. It doesn't seem like a particularly hard tune. She must be crying, anything can be hard to sing when you're crying, at least that's what I believe. I wait for her to finish her song as I wait patiently behind the entrance walls. The night breeze does not beckon me, but it does give me cold legs, er leg. I should've worn something thicker underneath. But it's to late to go back now, I'm sure I won't be able to walk silently on my way back. My nerves are tingling me, giving me signals that I have to prepare myself for whatever may happen.

Sana finishes her little song and I wait a few seconds to reveal myself to her. What do I even say? I don't know, I can't think of anything. I'll just show myself to her, and play it cool. Hopefully she won't notice my nerves. Here I go.

My steps on the cold grass and ground already makes me feel like I'm going to embarrass myself. I look up to see Lissana's eyes glowing, as if her eyes were part of the collection of stars of the Moon's night sky. It's wonderful, and also slightly terrifying, only because I've seen more frightening things in my life so far. She doesn't make a sound and simply stares. Despite the given time, I still don't know what to say.

Our staring contest ensues. I can't clearly see her face but I know she's a tad nervous too. In this situation, I'm supposed to have the upper hand in this situation, but neither Sana nor I know how to start. But if we keep staring, it'll just prolong the inevitable.

"I..can't get up there." I finally say with my leg and arms trembling from the cold and nervousness.

Sana bolts up and takes the thick fur blanket she was saving up for me. For my angle, or I could be imagining things, she looked like a prince with a long, wide cape behind her back. I couldn't look away even if I tried. She takes my shoulder and swiftly bundles me up.

"Sorry for, uh, not doing anything until now. Are you warmed up, little moon?" she asks me as she carries me on top of the Train. There's an additional smaller blanket on it and she lays me down there. It's not where I imagined her to tell me about her deep feelings, but it's just like her to expose to herself to the night. We hear howling in the distance. The night bugs provide ambience without even being aware of the fact.

I give her a little nod as I feel my cheeks getting warmer from my wild thoughts. I'm alone with Lissana for the first time in a while, and we're not actively avoiding each other. Or we try our best to ignore the things that clearly need to be addressed.

"I never imagine I'd be back here with you guys again. I..." she pauses, "I told you guys about how the caves I was stuck in didn't give any hints of it was night or day. It was disorientating and... lonely."

"Yeah, it must have been terrifying, still terrifying to think about." I reply, understanding that the trajectory of our lives changed drastically and we're not the same people we met that one fateful day.

"You're the only one who knows how it feels like, I think. Out of everyone in this pack, you and I were thrown into something like a sick soup." she explains, but I can't help but love her for the analogy.

"A sick soup?" I try to hide my giggle, "That's putting it a bit too lightly for me. It's more like we were thrown into a cosmic blender." I make a mixing gesture and it makes Lissana laugh. She is the only person I'll allow to make these jokes to.

"You could be on to something! But I'm sticking with my sick soup analogy. It's not as intense as yours, but it's what I feel that describes my part of the experience." She smiles, the moonlight illuminating her toned body gives her a unique orange outline.

I refrain from telling her that she looks more beautiful than the rings of Saturn in my eyes.

"I was just in this state of mush, I was clearly improving my transformation skills but all of that meant nothing if I couldn't see you again." She says. I blink as if oblivious.

"I never told you guys this, but other than the Weres I met there; I met someone, well, not really because she was just a voice." She curls up a bit, clearly worried that I wouldn't believe her.

"There's a little jealous voice in me that says 'Why did that voice reach her when I can't?' " I clutch the warm, fur cloth she enveloped me in. If we're at least going to be honest to each other for tonight, I might as well show her this part of me. A small, miniscule even, display of how I intend to reciprocate her feelings. Even if we've kissed, if we don't make new memories, we'll forget how good it feels.

Lissana's at loss for words, and rightfully so. I don't really like showing that I have jealous tendencies because it's seen as a turn off but maybe Lissana likes it.

"W-Well, Boen! The disembodied voice has nothing on yours. Sure her voice sounded soothing and I hate to admit that it was comforting. But yours is euphonious. Don't ask where I learned that word, it's not important. The truth is, I've never been this set on a person before. It was mostly for fun and the connection for me, but deep down, I always yearned for the kind of love Imus and Nike had." Sana looks up the sky, trying to figure out what she's supposed to say next, "Um, but Imus is limitless when it comes to Nike. His approach is honestly unique to him, and I don't think I just anyone can have a mindset that he can, you know?"

I stare at her then down to the night-lit ground below, "I think I know what you mean. I don't think I'm like him either." I pause to let the air into my lungs, "Let's just love like us. There's no one but us here and now." I reassure her, with words so easy to say but hard to achieve with a chest full of feelings. It's like a self-induced poison.

"Heh, how do you know when to say the right things to me?" she chuckles and wipes the imaginary snot from her nose.

"Beacuse you think they're right, they become right for you." I give her a little quote from Patricar's podcast. I didn't intend on ripping her off like that, but it seemed like the perfect opportunity to say it.

"Whoa, on the mark again, Boen! You're striking me out~!" she snaps her fingers and doesn't even deny it.

I feel at total bliss right now, "I listen to this amazing podcast! Let's listen to one of her episodes together when we finally have lax time." I tell her, clearly looking forward to it.

"O-Oh! Of course! More than anything in the world, yes! I'll do that with you once we finish with the training and the tournaments. Everyone's been slowly improving, we'll win for sure if we don't slip up. I'll make sure to make every single one of those bastards pay." her face suddenly shifts to a serious one.

I can feel her anger seep through her eyes like it's giving out heavy smoke. I wait for her to collect her thoughts and calm herself, there's nothing I can tell her now that can appease her anger. I'm still angry at my piece of s**t grandfather and even Beanie to some extent. 'To make them pay' isn't want I aim to do, because one of them is already dead, but I intend to get answers from Beanie. He definitely knows something and I'll seek him out in the mountains even if it takes forever.

"Hey, did my passion for revenge rub off on you too?" she laughs. I hadn't noticed what face I was making but hearing her voice softened it.

"Yeah, well, we have more things in common than we thought." I start, "You know, I grew up with an emotionally unavailable family. And to cope, I decided that that was perfect for me. They never restricted me from doing the things I liked and I relished in that freedom. I wanted to be alone and free." I squeeze my blanket but realized that I should share it, even if Lissana's not cold.

"Come here. It's better if we're closer." I open the blanket to let Lissana in and she complies without making a sound. I continue, "Before that night, before everything started, you seemed to have unintentionally 'limited' my freedom. I wanted to find the wolf girl Reese, I wanted to learn more about the forest, I wanted to help the faes; but you told me that it wasn't safe."

I give out a laugh, "You didn't know how stubborn I was back then. Even now, you've all put restrictions on me. I'm not free. I'm not supposed to feel free, and yet. I don't feel like doing what I want to...because..."

"Because?"

"Because I found something more important than freedom. And it's you guys." I try to not let myself cry because admitting it feels surreal to me. Admitting it feels fake, where in reality, I'm still here sacrificing my 'freedom' so I don't hurt them.

"Li---GWAAhh!! Are you cry--- I made you cry! I'm sorry!"

Lissana's been bawling her eyes out without making a sound. She's almost just like me except, she doesn't make any sound at all. I hug her, I don't know what else to do but to hug the big, dumb lady I have feelings of love for.

"Where'd you learn how to cry like this?" I ask her, thinking that we have similar reasons.

She wipes her tears and runny nose, "Pah! Well, ever since I was young, I didn't want anyone to think I was weak so I refused to cry, and when I did cry, I'd hide and make sure I didn't make any sound. I don't know how it's even possible to cry like I do but Nike always thought it was wrong."

She wraps one of her large arms around me and it got two times warmer than we were before, "Nike and I, are actually half siblings. We had different dads, but that doesn't really mean anything to us, because we were raised together, it didn't even matter if we weren't related at all. We're just inevitably connected. Our mother made sure we had each other's backs and Nike was incredibly protective of me at first, but as we grew up, we grew stronger and didn't need to protect each other much.

Imus lived in the same small town as us, and we mostly saw him at the hospital. I actually don't have any memories of this because I was still so young. My mother, even though she's turned into a Were, would visit our old town to help for a bit. Everyone was moving to the city and there fewer and fewer people in the town. Those that didn't have the means to go to the city either turned into Weres or died."

Lissana stops. I let her take a break. I can't imagine a whole town just disappearing like that, and now its remaining people don't consider it a place they need to go back to. I recall the messed up roads I drove on when I first came here. Even the roads don't allow passage to the town anymore. It's deeply heartbreaking.

"This pack is our third one. And not a lot of members are left of the original pack. The three of us are the only remaining members. You read Skia's journal, yeah? She was from our first pack. She had a huge crush on our mom but she never really had a chance. It was too late. Um... we left our second pack after a few years because of our 'conflicting beliefs' or something like that. Then we found 'Stone Rush'. It's basically this pack but with the original members. When Nike died we changed it to 'October'."

There are so many things that I hadn't known about her and the pack, I don't want her to stop talking. I want to hear everything she has to stay, no matter how sad or horrible it is.

"Nike died, and it's all my fault." Lissana reveals, her face directed at the bright red moon of the night sky.