No One Like Us

THAT Conversation

"Hey, Jackie, who's Jared?"  asked Evan.

That was not a question I was ready for. I hadn't even noticed I mentioned Jared by name on the phone. I could feel the familiar lump rise in my throat as I tried to formulate a response. 

"I... he..." I stammered, working it over slowly, in my mind. What could I tell him? I decided it would be best to tell him as much of the truth as I could. "We lived together..." I said, the past tense of that sentence still a fresh, open wound. 

There was silence. I gulped down the lump in my throat, desperately not looking at Evan, trying to hide the flush that was rising in my face. 

"Ah..." he said, quietly. "I think I understand." 

When I looked up, he was glancing around the room, absorbing the new information. I could see realization spreading through his expression. 

"That's why you need a roomie," he said. He looked around for another moment. "That's why it doesn't seem like your style..." he mumbled to himself. He turned his gaze on me, his blue eyes clear and sentimental. "I'm sorry."

It was very rare that anyone saw my weaknesses. Jared had been one of the rare few who knew more than my composed exterior. The girls at work had seen me break down a couple of times throughout my relationship with him, but even for them, it was rare enough to be shocking. I didn't like to show weakness in front of others. I was already a sissy. I was already different. I couldn't be weak. I had to protect myself. 

Evan was a stranger. He was going to be living with me. I needed to maintain my credibility if I was to be his landlord. 

The tears came unbidden to my eyes as a gasp escaped my throat.  Jared was really gone. It had been two days. Jared didn't call to make sure I was okay. He didn't come back to pick anything up. I had no idea where he was or who he was with. Aside from the apartment being nearly entirely his, it was as if Jared had never been in my life. I squeezed my eyes shut against the tears, and covered my face with my palms. 

I heard Evan move from his seat on the couch. 

I felt strong arms slowly settle over my shoulders, then Evan gently pulled my face down to his shoulder. 

"It's okay... you won't be alone." His arms were tight around my shoulders, and I felt somehow incredibly safe. 

A full sob wrenched itself from my chest. All the anguish, all the fear I had been trying to stuff down somewhere deep so I could get through the day yesterday poured out onto the white t-shirt material on Evan's shoulder.  He kept holding me, without saying a word, until my sobs began to subside. 

I pulled away from him, now feeling incredibly silly for my display. I clumsily wiped the tears away from my eyes while avoiding looking at Evan. "I'm sorry, that was... uncalled for. You don't even know me."

"It's alright. Sometimes you need a good cry before you can move forward," he said. 

"God, I'm sure I look even worse now," I lamented, dragging the now tear-streaked leftover eyeliner down my face for dramatic effect. 

"You look beautiful," he said. I could hear a slight smile on his face. I smiled too, in spite of my self. 

"Ugh..." he turned away from me, his face turning green. "I think I'm gonna be sick..." 

He ran to the bathroom, and I could immediately hear retching. Hangover. How did he manage to stand there holding me for so long if he was so nauseous? 

Lacy came to pick Evan up shortly after his bathroom episode. He looked worse than me now, and that was saying something. She loaded him into the car and came back to talk with me. 

"You've got to tell him before he moves in."

"But-"

"Zack! Don't do that to him. He has a right to know who he's living with. I wouldn't normally insist, but, Jackie... You're going to be LIVING together!"

I heaved a sigh. "Fine... I'll talk to him." 

"Don't worry Jackie. He's not closed-minded. He'll be okay with it, but he should still know." 

---

The next day during work I got a call from Evan that he had his stuff ready to go. 

"Already?" I asked.

"I don't have much. Besides, I can't let you cry alone in that apartment by yourself for long." I could hear the cheeky smirk in his voice. 

"Like you can really help," I shot back. I felt a pang in my chest when I realized this might be the last of these kinds of remarks I would hear from him. "Hey Evan, let's have lunch before you get settled in at my place, okay?"

"Yeah, that sounds great. I'll have Lacy drop me off in town. You know, your voice sounds kinda deeper on the phone. I like it."

The cafe we met at was quiet and had seats easily hidden from the general public. 

I was still dressed in the skirt and loose top I had worn to the studio this morning. 

Evan walked in dragging a single suitcase and a laptop bag. Was that really all he owned? He was dressed down in an olive green t-shirt and tan shorts. The shirt made his curly carrot hair stand out all the more. 

He found me quickly and took the seat across from me, sliding his suitcase under the table. 

"You look great today," he said cheerfully. 

My stomach sank. He perused the menu, blissfully unaware. I didn't feel the least bit hungry.

"What's good here?" he asked, squinting at the small-print descriptions on the menu. 

"I'm... the sandwiches are pretty good," I supplied. The longer I drew this out, the tighter the knots in my stomach would become. "Evan, we need to talk before you move in."

"Hmm?" He looked up at me.

"There's some things you should know before we live together."

"Okay. That makes some sense. I guess I should tell you a few things too." He cleared his throat, "I snore. Okay, your turn."

Well, that wasn't exactly where I was going with that, but okay, I thought. "I... am kind of a neat freak. I guess I got it from Jared, so... I might be difficult on occasion about that."

"Ooo, that might be tough," he twinged. "I'm a bit of a slob. Okay, I think that counted as my turn."

"You're not allowed in my room," I blurted.

"You're not allowed on my computer," he retorted. 

"I'm not a woman."

"That's not why I don't want you on my comp-" he stopped mid-sentence. "What?"

"I'm not a woman." It actually felt good to say it, to not have that wall up anymore. I sat back, feeling lighter than I had since before Jared walked. I realized, briefly that I hadn't actually had to hide that before. 

Evan's glance darted around as if I had just confided in him that I was holding a bomb. "You mean like... I mean...you have a-"

"p***s? Yes. I was assigned male at birth."

"You're... a transgendered?"

"That's not how you say it. I am transgender."

"So... you're a guy." 

Hearing him say that stung, but I could see him struggling. It was a lot to take in at lunch.

"No, I'm nonbinary, bigender actually. I feel like both a man and a woman, sometimes more of one than the other, but always a bit of both. You met me on more of a 'Jackie' night. Are you still comfortable living with me?" My insides twisted again. I did not want him to answer that. His confusion was a response I was used to, but his rejection was not something I wanted to hear.

"Huh? Oh... umm... Give me a minute...." 

At that moment the waitress walked up to take our order. Evan's eyes were saucer size when he looked up at the waitress.

"Good news I hope," she said, lifting her pad and pen. "What can I getcha?"  she asked with a grin.

I ordered a BLT for myself and recommended the ham for Evan. He nodded. 

"I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner," I admitted. The hard part was over. Now I just had to wait for a response.

"No- I mean... It was me who didn't notice... sorry," he said down to the table.  

I looked up at him. He was still staring down at the table.

"-and, I guess it's actually more okay this way. Like, it would have been pretty bad if I'd walked in on you in the bathroom or something. Now it's like, well, we've got the same stuff soo..." He looked up and met my eyes. There was a slight smirk in the corner of his mouth. "Am I still welcome?"

I sighed and sat back with a smile. "Yeah. As long as you don't get weird on me about it." The relief rushed through me.

"God, it feels so strange talking about something like this in public," he said. "Do other people know?"

"It's not a secret if that's what you're asking. Are there any more burning questions you have? I'd like to get all this out of the way so we can eat lunch."  I didn't mind talking about this stuff so much, but it also wasn't the most comfortable topic. Everyone always had the same questions. It was easier just to get it over with.

"Umm... I'll probably have a lot of questions, but umm... do you know if you would want like... a s*x change or something?" 

"No. I'm comfortable in my body. I've always been pretty okay with my body the way it is. It's everything else. It's society that decided there were only certain clothes this body could wear, certain styles, certain behaviors it could have. I just don't play by those rules. Other people can assume what they want."

"Like I did," he said, a little more self-admonishing than I wanted to hear.

"Hey, even when I dress in masculine clothes, people assume I'm a woman. It's not surprising that you couldn't tell. And I'm not offended by it. It was kind of nice, for a little while."

The waitress brought our food, and I was given a momentary respite from the scrutiny of my identity. I used to get angry at all the questions people had. Couldn't I be allowed to just be myself in peace? But there were so many different kinds of people out there, and so few definitions of identity that most people knew, that I started to understand the curiosity. Even with gender and sexuality slowly becoming something more of the public talked about and listened to stories of, there was still this accepted narrative that there were two sexes, and you were one or the other, transgender or otherwise... so after a while, I almost felt like it was my duty to answer as many awkward questions as people had to ask. If just one person came away with a broader understanding of what our identities could mean then maybe it would make life a little easier for someone else. 

We ate in silence, but I could see Evan still thinking. 

"You're a really beautiful woman, by the way," he said after a while. "I hope you don't mind my saying so..." he trailed off as he took another bite. 

I sighed with relief. Not only was he still willing to live with me, but he could still compliment me. 

"I don't mind. I do model after all; it's kind of a prerequisite for the job." 

"I'm guessing that was the big thing I needed to know before moving in? You're not, like, secretly the leader of a cult or something?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "No," I said through a smile and a mouth full of sandwich, "that's it. No more secrets." 

There was a sudden look of surprise on his face. "Jared, then... you two-"

"We were together. Yes."

"So you're gay?"

"I like men. I consider myself queer. Don't worry, I'm not gonna jump you in the night," this turn of the conversation was beginning to make me uncomfortable, mostly because it might mean more talk about Jared.

"No, that's not what... that doesn't bother me," he said, embarrassed. "So... you weren't turning me down just because I was a guy..." He looked crestfallen. 

That surprised me. He was interested in "Jackie," I thought. Why would my rejection matter anymore? I decided to try to mend his ego slightly. 

"I'm sorry, it's just... Jared just left." My stomach sank as I said it. "My friends were trying to cheer me up. I was... flattered by your attention, but..."

"It was too soon. I get it," he said, perking up a bit. 

"This isn't going to be a problem, is it?" I asked. "We are going to be roommates now."

"No problem at all," he replied, with a grin.

I picked up the check and we made our way to Jared's apartment.