Sending Yesterday

I - After (1)

June 2022. Three Years After He left

Get up. I repeatedly told myself. Everyday has been a battle, a battle of forcing myself to get up and make a living. If only life was as easy as spending money and vacations, then I wouldn't be forced to have an internal war every single day.

It was starting to get tiring. Life was starting to get tiring. Adulting must have made me felt that way. I was one of those adults whose life has become a circle of routines. I was one of those who lost their fuels.

I was not aware of it at first. I did not even know how it happened. I just lost it one day. There was the drive to live, but I was merely living.

It had been like that for years. I wake up. Go to work. Spend almost half of my day in front of the computer. Go home. Then rest. Life on weekends were not that far from weekday's routine. The only difference was that instead of going to work, I do the chores and spend the rest of the day sulking inside my apartment.

Neglecting those dramatic thoughts aside, I finally got up and got ready for work. As I walked outside my doorsteps, my neighbor's dog greeted me.

"Hi, Angela," I told the Shiba Inu in front of me. She wiggled her tail, excitingly licking the sandwich from my hand.

"I envy you, you're so happy," I sadly told her as a tucked my short-length hair behind my ears.

I heard footsteps nearing my direction before I heard a man spoke, "Why won't you?" it was Mr. Cruz, the dog's owner. He has that huge trust on his neighbors that would let his dog wander like that.

"Won't what, Mr. Cruz?" I asked him.

He grabbed little Angela as he spoke, "Be happy," he said.

It was a question I had always been expecting, but I don't know too. Nothing just seemed to be right after college graduation.

I gave him a shrug as a response and continued my way to the bus station.

It was another extremely sunny day. That year's summer definitely lasted longer than it should.

I rode the bus on the way to work and was seated peacefully near the window. The sight was just another routine too. The flower shop. The big mall. The beggar who always manages to return to his spot even when police had made him go away several times.

What bothered me was that I used to be amazed with those things. Small things used to mesmerize me. Now nothing does.

"Miss me, Nana?" I heard from behind.

There was an unexplainable feeling of sadness and fear when I had heard those words. They were too familiar, too familiar that it scared me.

I slowly turned my head only to disappoint myself. Only to upset myself.

"Yeah, see you there in a bit," the guy whispered and ended his call.

It would have been easier had I ignored it. The way I had ignored the things that would remind me of that stupid guy who left me at a convenience store. The way I had ignored them for years.

Had he not left, things would have been so much different for me. Maybe.

I got off the bus and headed straight to the entrance of my working place.

"There'll be a meeting for business analysts later this afternoon," it was Gemma who greeted me with office news first thing in the morning.

"Can't I skip? I have a report to submit," I tried asking.

She gave me a disapproving look. "Come on, just because you're one of the best here doesn't guarantee you a free pass," she jokingly said, "and the boss will be there too."

"How dreadful," I commented and walked to my desk.

I was on the middle of my work when I had received a call from Anya. As much as I want to ignore it, I know that friend of mine too well that she won't stop bugging me until I answer. I grabbed my phone and placed it close to my ear.

"It's office hours, you can't always just call me whenever you want, Anya," I scolded her, but it didn't sound like scolding at all since there was no way that irritation was evident in my voice. As much as I hate to admit it, I had also missed the gal.

I haven't seen the squad for a year or two, and the only means of catching up we have were through texts, chats, and calls. Yes, talk about long distance relationships.

"Sorry! Just need to tell you this asap. Check your e-mail now, faster," she demanded.

I did but there was nothing to be enthusiastic about the e-mails. All I saw were reminders from my boss and an announcement from the course I was taking up online. I assumed there was something she wanted me to see excitingly as it was evident in her tone.

"There's nothing here, what do you want to show me?" I asked her, sounding interested. I had perfectly mastered the art of masking my state and emotions with the way I talk and react.

It's not that I'm faking it, well, maybe a little. But I was just trying not to bother and make them worry.

"Your old personal e-mail I mean! I'll hung up now. Text me when you got it," still she sounded so excited.

"Fine, bye," I said and ended the call.

If it's another poster or a business promotion for her gadget store, then I would definitely give her a good scolding.

I logged in to my personal e-mail account and checked my inbox. There were quite a few unread messages. I was not able to check the account for several weeks.

Anya's message was on the top of the list of unread messages. I opened the mail and was quite surprised to discover what it was all about.

It was an invitation. A wedding invitation.

Look at this silly girl who used to be so shy and distant from guys. The first one to get married, e?

I gave Anya a genuine congratulations. It seemed like the squad's going to see each other very soon.

Except for one stupid guy.

I brushed the thought of him away and tried to scan my inbox for important messages.

Then it caught my attention.

Just when I was about to get him off my thoughts.

There were five of them. Five e-mails I had received 3 days earlier, on the 25th of June.

Lei Rafael Anderson

That name was enough to make me stop on my track. The very same name I had tried to forget for the last 3 years.

I shakily clicked the first e-mail open. It was written 3 years ago, he must have used the schedule option in sss.

I read them. I read every single word. I read every single memory of him he had placed on those e-mails through his words.

There came the answers. The answers to what really happened.

"This has been planned."

I wanted to choke the life out of him for that particular line. I wanted to hate him, but I couldn't. Because I then finally understand.

I should have known when he randomly asked me. When he asked me  if I had ever thought of just disappearing before.

I have tried so hard to compose myself and stop myself from crying as my workmates would notice.

Only that guy had made me cry again. That silly guy who left me with unanswered questions. That guy who left me hanging for years.

How could he appear just when I was trying hard to move on?

I went out and headed straight to an uncrowded area in the office. There, I dialed a familiar number.

"Hello?" answered the person on the other line.

I was no longer able to hold my sobs and I was sure it was heard by the person I was calling.

"Dianna, are you okay?" she worriedly asked.

I hate him for making me feel this way. I hate him for letting me have my hopes high again.

"Nica," I called her.

But I was also glad.

"What's wrong? Are you crying?" she answered.

Because finally, after three years...

"I found him."

Email 1

From: Lei Anderson

Subject: HELLO (06/25/2019)

Dianna,

I hope this e-mail finds you. I hope you get to read this after 3 years. I hope by then, you all have moved on from my sudden disappearance and had forgiven me. I hope by then you would all be ready to hear my reasons. Lastly, I hope you will all understand.

I'll be sending you 5 e-mails. Inside would be my explanation, my thoughts, my regrets, and things I had wanted to tell you, all of you. I know you were all curious as hell what had happened to me. Funny because I wrote the previous sentence like it was already in the past, when in fact it was just happening now by the time I was writing this.

By the time you finish reading these e-mails, I hope you all still see me as the Lei you were once with in college. As the Lei you had all known.

And if situation still permits, I hope to meet you. I hope to see you and tell you this in person. I hope you all find me to where I am now.