Baxter Ffilthe

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

DRAMATIS PERSONAE..................

SUPERNATURAL BEINGS

Liberata et Aperta (Sentient book of spells bound in human skin.)

The Presence, Lord of Mirrors (Shapeshifting demon ruler of mirrors and narcissism. Currently looks like a cross between a large red worm, a shark and a certain real estate tycoon-c*m-reality TV star-c*m-demagogue-c*m-elected leader of the free world. Banished to a subterranean cavern underneath that infestation of cool hipsters that is Shoreditch)

Blue and Red (A pair of exotic succubi bound to the Presence as his personal slaves. Feed on s****l energy and mothers-to-be of a brood of carnivorous offspring)

Blutschreib (Ink demon sent to s*x up Baxter’s website and blog. Naked human brain tottering about on 4 cat’s paws capable of sprouting as many eyes and limbs as necessary)

Film, Edit and Upload (Also known as FEU. Blutschreib’s assistant. Resembles a transparent football filled with a urine-coloured liquid, scurrying about on 8 spidery legs. Inside swim three hideous little tentacled beasties that look like the progeny resulting from a marriage between the world’s most beautiful bioluminescent deep-sea squid and the world’s ugliest bulging-eyed goldfish)

Merk (Baxter’s demon driver. Minor Duke of Denial. Green humanoid with empty eye sockets. Has three hundred eyes on his mouth tentacles. Exudes black octopus ink. Likes wearing skull caps – as in caps made from human skulls)

Hell-On-Wheels (Merk’s partner and vehicle. Giant rat demon with the head and tail of a hammerhead shark disguised as a classic Mercedes Benz C-Class. Often forgets to mystically activate his illusion, thus scaring the living daylights out of parking attendants, elderly passers-by and the occasional traffic policeman)

Unnamed s*x demon (Tormentor of Tilda Hodgekins)

WITCHES

Baxter Ffilthe (Temp worker and scholar of ancient occult texts-turned-successful pornographer after sealing a pact with a demonic entity. Owner of Beastley Ffilthe Studios, a highly-successful adult entertainment company)

Hilaria Ffilthe (Baxter’s grandmother and owner of Esoterica, an occult bookshop. Wiccan and leader of a skyclad coven)

Granny Grantham aka Granny G (Loud, orgy-loving octogenarian. Grandmother to CG. Head of the local Senior Swingers’ Club and second member of Hilaria’s coven)

Tilda Hodgekins (Powerful medium and kindergarten teacher)

PORNOGRAPHIC FILM ACTORS AND ASSOCIATES

Dan Beastley (Actor and director. Baxter’s bisexual housemate and business partner-turned-desiccated human chorizo)

Rivka Oremiatzky (Actor and professional adult entertainer)

CG aka Camera Guy aka Charles Grantham (Young cameraman and editing specialist. Lives with Granny G, his orgy-loving swinger Wiccan grandmother)

Rosemary “Randy” Randhawa (Baxter’s recruiter and publicist. Overcompensates for her well-paying but seedy job by filling her home office with excessively cute stuffed furry toy animals)

Gaylord Cox (Porn baron. Chief competitor to Baxter Ffilthe)

Katya Drainmore – (Renowned Russian adult entertainer. Wife to Gaylord Cox. Only talent is the ability to photogenically point her n*****s straight at any object and make it all look good)

OTHER HUMANS

Mr and Mrs Peters (Distressed, occult-obsessed couple from Brighton. Hell-bent on invoking horrific curses on an American real estate tycoon-c*m-reality TV star-c*m-demagogue-c*m-elected leader of the free world, whom they see as a menace to their sanity and to the world at large)

Taron Cofrann (American social media darling with 10 million subscribers on Yourtube and Instantcram. Well-known for his puppy-dog eyes, perfect hair and nauseating online collection of artisanal hipster cappu-latte-machia-ccino photos)

Mr & Mrs Oldman (Lovely addlebrained couple living next door to Baxter and Dan)

Miscellaneous demon fodder (Assorted credit card salesmen, postmen, door-to-door preacher s***h evangelists, competing porn barons and international human traffickers and paedophiles)

With a supporting chorus of pornstars, religious fanatics, sentient magical books, senior swingers and porn-obsessed fans far too numerous to be listed.

And a snail. There’s always a snail.