Chapter 18: One Last Conversation
2088 Words
A few nights before he passed away.
After all the kids were tucked into bed.
Lee waved his wife over to lie with him.
“I keep thinking about that first night we met.”
She gave him a gentle smile.
The Silence
Weeks went by.
Text messages and phone calls tapered off.
The kids went back to school.
Life went on.
I hated it.
How could the world move on when mine was put on pause?
---
I drove to the grocery store one morning.
I pulled into my spot and turned the car off.
Grabbed my phone out of my purse.
I was about to text Lee.
“Do you need anything from the store?”
My fingers paused over the screen.
I forgot.
Lee wasn’t here anymore.
There would be no reply.
No, “Hold on, hon, let me grab…”
I sat there for what felt like hours.
Well, twenty minutes anyway.
Not because I was too busy crying.
I couldn’t figure out what to do with myself.
With a life where no one was expecting me to do anything.
It’s funny how easily we forget what it feels like to have nothing to lose.
How under FREE do we suddenly become?
I realized something that day.
I had become so used to justifying every minute of my existence…
I didn’t know how to be alone with my thoughts.
Loneliness is a powerful thing.
It makes us believe we need someone.
Even if that someone is bad for us.
Across town, Craig drove his truck home from the lawyer's office that same day.
He signed the papers divorcing his wife of twenty years, the second he learned of her affair.
Neither of them knew it yet…
But two souls who were broken by people who loved them would soon find their way back to each other.
Craig and Becca.
A couple who once rode their bikes together until the porch lights came on…
And their moms called them inside.
“You mean when you took me out and purchased one thing at a time from the bakery?”
He smirked faintly.
“I thought I was being smooth.”
“You were as smooth as a cupboard door.”
“I know. Now.”
He stared at the ceiling, contemplating what he said next.
“You were only eighteen.”
“A naive, stupid eighteen.”
“And you had your whole life in front of you.”
“So did you.”
He nodded his head in agreement.
“I tried to hold onto you so much that I forgot I was supposed to let you grow.”
She stared down at their joined hands.
“We both grew…”
He squeezed her fingers gently.
“Into the people we were always meant to be.”
“And you helped me grow so much despite yourself.”
Part of her wanted to protest.
She wanted to cheer him on.
To protect him from his own lies.
She knew that’d be her reply.
Lies were the last thing this world needed anymore.
“I wasn’t always easy to be around.”
“Neither were you.”
“I hurt you.”
“I know you did.”
“But you brought me so much joy.”
They both smiled at the memory.
“No matter what happened between us…”
Becca’s voice grew soft.
“I will never regret the time we had with them.”
“Agreed.”
---
The Last Sunrise
Lee woke up before the sun did that morning.
“Becca?” She groggily sat up next to him.
“Yes?”
“Open the curtains.”
She quickly pulled the curtains apart.
The early morning sun peered through the cracks.
Pink. Yellow. Blue.
It was beautiful.
He had forgotten how much he loved watching the sunrise.
“I used to enjoy this.”
“And then you got busy.”
He sighed and rolled over, pulling her next to him.
“We should thank God we get to see another one.”
For the next few minutes, they watched in silence.
As if trying to catch every second they could.
Birds chirped at the windowsill.
Not once did the world stand still.
---
“Make me promise something.”
She turned to look at him.
“What sweetheart?”
“When I’m gone…”
He paused to catch his breath.
“Live.”
Her head whipped up into a quick shake.
“No! Don’t say that!”
“I’m serious Becca.”
“Keep saying it!”
He grabbed her hand.
“When I’m gone… Live your life.”
“How? How am I supposed to ‘live’ without you?”
“You don’t have to.”
“Just exist?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
“You’ve always been stronger than you think.”
She leaned up and kissed his forehead.
“I feel so weak.”
“You don’t have to feel anything.”
As his breathing became shallower,
“Just never stop fighting.”
The sunrise became brighter outside their bedroom window.
Inside their bedrooms;
A strong woman prayed for more time,
While knowing in her heart,
that their time together was coming to an end.
And she was nowhere ready to say goodbye.
Goodbye
The house felt empty.
But not because there was nobody home.
Because everyone was listening.
Listening for each breath.
Each pause.
Each slight movement.
They hung onto every sound he made.
---
The hospice nurse arrived shortly after eight the next morning.
She smiled softly at Becca.
“Did you get any sleep?”
Becca wanted to laugh.
“No.”
The nurse nodded as though she’d asked that question hundreds of times before.
She checked Lee’s pulse.
Adjusted his pillow.
Spoke softly.
Let Becca know what might happen.
Becca heard her. She just couldn’t make her stop.
---
Children came to the bedroom throughout the morning hours.
The oldest sat beside the bed holding Lee’s hand.
The middle child started reading aloud from one of Lee and Becca’s favorite children’s books.
Little one climbed carefully onto the bed.
“Dad?”
Lee cracked one eye open.
“Hey.” His voice was so weak.
“I love you.” Tears fell freely down the smallest face.
His lips curved into a small smile.
“I love you more.”
“No, you don’t.”
Quiet laughter filled the room.
The kind that made your heart ache.
“The moon and back,” Lee whispered.
“The universe and back,” The child responded automatically.
They had played that game for years.
winner got”
The winner got to kiss mom”
Lee smiled.
“This time…”
He fought for air.
“You can’t kiss mom.”
---
The Last Breath
By nightfall, the sun outside had softened.
Golden beams peeked through the curtains.
The room smelled of lavender lotion from when the nurse rubbed it on Lee’s hands.
Becca sat on the bed next to him.
Her fingers intertwined with his.
His wedding ring felt loose now. He’d lost so much weight.
She rubbed her thumb over the small circle of gold.
Twenty years together.
Impossible how a lifetime could fit inside the spaces of two rings connected.
---
Lee stirred.
“Becca.”
“I’m right here.”
“So beautiful.”
She smiled through her tears.
“I haven’t showered in days.”
He gave a pathetic chuckle.
“Still…”
He took another labored breath.
“beautiful.”
She leaned closer to him. “You don’t need to keep talking.”
“I know…”
He continued to look at each of the children one by one.
As if trying to memorize their faces.
Then he looked back at Becca.
“Take care…” He paused.
“of us.” She finished for him. Unable to say anything.
“I will.” Tears streamed down her face.
“That’s my girl.”
“I love you.” She kissed him on the forehead.
“Love you more.”
He reached up and pulled her down for a hug.
Those were the last words he would clearly say to Becca.
---
His breaths became shallower.
The breaks in between each breath grew longer and longer.
The hospice nurse placed a hand gently on Becca’s shoulder.
“It’s okay to talk to him,” She told her.
She continued to talk to him.
About the day they met.
The bakery.
How he pretended not to be nervous.
Their first apartment.
Bringing each baby home from the hospital.
Christmas mornings.
Family vacations.
The kids he helped raise.
How he was her person.
How she was his.
She even talked about the hard stuff.
Because it was their story too.
---
Then…
There was nothing.
Not the silence from an argument.
Not a silence from hurt feelings.
But rather…the absence of Lee’s breath.
The nurse checked his pulse.
Dead.
She looked over at Becca, saw she was staring at Lee.
“I’m sorry.”
She choked out.
Every story mattered.
Everyone who knew him had something to share.
“Lee used to…”
“He would…”
Lee lived. His spirit was all of these people poured together.
People who loved him.
Becca squeezed Lee’s hand once more.
“There’s nobody else,” she whispered.
I pushed the flowers aside and fell to my knees beside him.
I cried harder than I had all day.
Because today, my world was shattered.
And I let everyone in.
---
The Funeral
The church was full.
Neighbors, coworkers, family friends, church friends.
Everyone who knew Lee came that day to say goodbye.
They all had stories to tell.
“He used to fix my truck…”
“He was never late for a single one of the kids’ ballgames.”
“I asked him once for a ride, and he drove me all over town…even though we drove totally different cars.”
“He would give you the shirt off his back.”
“He loved you.” Everyone said that.
And they all cried.
There were more tears than I knew what to do with.
I smiled through each hug.
I thank everyone for coming.
I accepted each casserole dish.
Every Enery condolence card.
People showed up that day.
People who loved my family.
---
As I stood there by Lee’s coffin, I thought about the man who waited outside that bakery many years ago just so he could walk me to my car.
I thought about his silly smile.
His horrible jokes.
How happy he was when each baby was born.
We stayed up talking many nights until the sun rose above the horizon.
How sick he became years later.
How many years I thought convincing him I loved him would be enough.
“I’m sorry.” He said those words far too many times.
“I shouldn’t have…”
“I hate that…”
Lee was gone.
But he wasn’t the first person I had loved and lost.
---
After Everyone Went Home
Friends and family kept our house busy for the first three days.
And then…
Silence.
The refrigerator was full of casseroles.
Counters were covered in flowers.
Cards piled up on the kitchen table.
But it wasn’t enough.
Not when I kept waiting for his car to pull into the driveway.
Or have him walk through the door with the kids trailing behind him.
I walked from room to room that first night, he alone.
Grabbed Lee’s coffee mug off the counter.
His glasses were still on the end table where he’d left them.
His favorite sweater was still on the back of his chair.
Even his socks were still there.
The partner left behind too many reminders. I was doing this alone.
I opened his closet searching for something, anything to calm me down.
His cologne still lingered on a few clothes hanging there.
Before I could stop myself, I pulled one of his shirts out and buried my face in it.
I finally let go.
I cried the way I knew I would as soon as everyone left.
Hard, heaving tears that make you sick to your stomach.
It felt selfish.
Having all this space to cry.
But I did it anyway.
I dug my nails into that sleeve until I was sure I’d ripped the skin from my fingertips.
“I don’t know who I am anymore…”
I whispered to nobody in particular.
- Writer
