Chaotic Colors

The Good 'Bad'

* SLAMS*

"Shut Up!" I unconsciously shouted as I slammed our desk to where my so called group mates meet and tackle a none sense off-topic. This is why I don't like grouping, I don't want to socialize... It's noisy, It's scattered! 

"Geez, Calm down man it's not like you care about your grades anyway" Liham said and rudely approach his both feet on the table and leaned on his chair as if he was  lazy even in talking and just sitting there with that annoying s**t looking on his face. 

"uhm g-guys maybe we sho-should start d-discussing about our pro-"

" did you hear that?" a lousy high pitch voice matching her rolling eyes with his clown full make-up girl with an annoying and teasing tone of voice interrupted  the girl that just spoken... I turned my gazes to the girl and surprisingly I saw the girl whom offered a towel to me, silently withhold her head. 

We're classmates?  ait she looks like that girl in the corner looking so concern about me. 

hmm,  maybe that's the reason why she knows my name, though I did not know her or even know her existence. I don't socialize or even care about their interests or name. No one is interesting they are just a bland colour trying to fit in.  

we are in the open library which we can freely talk loud, however I hated the noisy chattering here and there. It makes me annoyed. If  only the professor did not warn me about my grades in his class failing because of lack of interaction and socializing other students  even my classmates. They should really change the grading system if that's the case.

I deeply sighed in disbelief I don't want t do this but They'll surely fire me if I don't do well in this subject. I grabbed the girl who offered me towel last time and face her

"Let's go" I said and bring her with me letting my other classmates curse at us leaving just like that. It's their behaviours fault. I can't stand hearing and seeing people being dragged down and  be with a group full of noisy and lethargic students. 

" and where will you bring her?" an annoying voice has spoken while grabbing my free arm stopping me from leaving. I faced the guy who held my  wrist tightly making ugly glares to me misleading the people around us thought that we are fighting. I shove his hand and raise my eye brows to him giving him a boring look on my face, cause it really is boring just by looking at him. 

" and what business you have in order to know where we are going?" I answered him back impolitely. his eyes were widen but he immediately transform into a smirking mischievous face returning the impoliteness to me.

" so you're just going to ditch group activity to hit that ugly duckling?" he said laughing as well as the other students in our table who heard what he just said. 

His mind is really rotten...

" as expected for a lame boring person like you liking a ugly duckling leech trash?! ... you really suit each other huh" he said laughing and as if he was judging our soul contemplating the scores he sees unto us making us feel like a trash. how ever does that even matter to him? if he think of us like a trash well he is just like us yet he is the rotten one  and we are the trash that can be reuse.

" uh.. k-kale let's just go okay?" the girl said... I should at least know her name right? I'm being considerate not friendly. 

"okay" I only answered and did ignore Liham the guy who just tries to embarrass  on front of the crowds knowing that  they'll take his side.

"how rude ignoring Liham?!" the girl said letting me hear to find some guiltiness inside me which is none! 

*PAK* 

"oh no!! kale are you okay??!" the towel girl ask assuring there were no blood on my head. 

As soon as we tried ignoring their laughs someone throws a bottle of milk on my head making me yelp in surprise and soak in milk from my head. 

" oops it flew " I heard Liham  said without guilt and sarcasm chuckling with the other students in the table.

Fuck  !I want to kill him so badly, tear his flesh or just burn him alive! how wonderful would it be

"I'm okay, you should worry about that person who threw the carton of milk, he might be mentally ill, or just plainly crazy for doing that to other people" I said glancing badly on Liham with a stern murderous look on my face.

his face was full of surprise and somehow darkness was all filling him up, he think I'll fear him with that look? with that aura? There is nothing more fearful to see this world black and white and to discover pleasures in pain? and to see Liham being the most chaotic and unique colour of my world.

" what on earth did you just say?" he said gritting his teeth as if he was ready to hunt his prey and tear me apart.

 so he's angry...

This will be bloody...

*** Earlier before the fight***

I am now heading to our classroom quietly as I tried to avoid crowded way. I shook my head and wore my hoodies covering my face and just aiming the door on our classroom.  I don't want to be seen nor to see jerk's face.

" why am I even avoiding him?! he should be the one who needs to avoid me! who knows I might just kill him in an instant after what he has done to me yesterday?! he thinks that's acceptable? That will be dreadful! 

" you're here early" a face appeared in font of me made me jumped in surprise and surprisingly and for the first time in a while I felt my heart beat so fast out of nervousness. I realized Liham was still in front of me so close and it reminded me of what happened yesterday.

 HORRIBLE!

"get away from me asshole!" I said and pushed him away from me, and continues to walk passing him. 

'just ignore him kale and your day will be as quite just like before' 

"hey..." he called out pulling hoodies and turns me to face him, 

"what?" I ask he just played with the cloth of my hood and stays there comfortably while I'm waiting for his concerns

"what do you want Liham?" I ask again he  imidietly smiles and lean closer to me which led me to step back and avoid him

" You mention my name again" he said happily stupid

"well I'm just here to ask you, my ugly ass classmate if your knee is fine... after that embarrassing fall you experience after harassing me is quite humorous of you" he arrogantly said stopping his laugh, maybe picturing what happened yesterday at the field after I  beat him up badly he still has his guts standing and talking in front of me. 

well what happened yesterday is now part of the past... after I beat him  and after he HARRASS me by kissing me I run and fall in front of him laughing with blood on his bottom lips. 

"I don't think you're the victim here Mr. I was the one who YOU harassed, you kissed me telling me it's a payment for knocking you off?! though I  have the feels of guilt but I think you deserve that beating from yesterday... now if you let me excuse myself..." I said emphasizing  the words and was about to pass again through him but before I even make one step he grabbed me and pats my head, and gave me a home-like smile... 

what's that? what is this feeling? what is this hue? it's colour s blinding. It is so annoying and confusing but it's warm and comforting.

" well, don't come look again for me and beg for kisses, I know I'm addicting, but if you want it just tell me" he said with his big head! is he not even embarrass?  he even winks at me, is his eye hurt?

"are you insane?! leave me alone perverted jerk and don't talk or stay close!" I said making a warning tone and pushed him away from me hearing his laugh lingering in my ears making me feel so annoyed and pissed!

TERRIBLE

Later on, the professor confronted me and told me how bad my social practice and my group activities are and on how low my scores on my exams

" I know you're a bright student but Mr. Rites if you're just gonna ignore and just attend the class because you feel you are obligated, your intelligence may go to waste. stop lazing around and being introvert, socialize and make this group activity give you a make up score to you past low scores in group quizzes and to you attitude not attending my subject. I might fire you if you still continue this behaviour of yours, I'm expecting more from you kale... you'll be group with Mr Jones."

I napped on my desk after the discussion and meditated on my doings, I wish I was a stone... This is awful  after I said to stay away from me surprisingly he is my group mate, bet  it'll be chaotic.

" I'm with the same group as the mother fucker Hoodie guy, hey kitten we'll be having a meeting!" he said loudly and laughs his lungs out leaving the room.

ASSHOLE!

*** Present time***

 " none of your business " I said answering him expressionless. he smirks and can't believe what he just herd, did you found your counterpart.. huh asshole?!

" you want a good beat up?" he challenged me trying to provoke me...

" try me" I answered , the me who don't really do fight will be willing to fight him, and crash his bones! I am so annoyed right now.

" k-kale, calm down" the girl said holding my hand stopping me from pursuing the fight with Liham, well I don't want to fight but, I am just annoyed with him, he stole my first kiss... well that is not important it's just that what if someone saw us yesterday?! what if they'll create false rumors? !we're both guys that's why it's a big matter! 

"don't worry I'm okay, I just want to teach that guy some manner from calling you ugly... by the way what's your name?" I as, she held on my hand tightly and nodded

" it's kiesha" she answered 

"okay that's a cute n--"

" the fact you're acting so friendly with her is gross!!!!" Liham shouted and grabs my hand punching me on my left face making my bottom lip bleed...

" kale!!!" keisha shouted as she witness the blood dripping from my lips, I faced Liham and saw his eye with...guilt? His eyes were like surprise of what he has done, it was not like the time he fought with Jackson, his eyes were a killer but now it was like he was regretting his decision punching me...

" don't pity me with your light punch asshole" I said countering a strike on his face, this is a blood war... 

I desperately need to see that crimson red blood to satisfy me... 

My feelings are roaring just like yesterday, it reminds me of my father's and I won’t hesitate just like before to save me, and that person... I was howling in exhaustion, I want to witness a weak look and beg for me to stop. I want to do what they did to me on how my former father used to beat us badly with my mother after I met my biological father and escaped from that monstrous human. 

I collared Liham and let him witness the hideous monster on me however his eyes were glued in mine, like they were trying to console and comfort me. I was on top of him like yesterday but yesterdays' and today’s' situation is different we are fighting yet he was like telling me to lean on him...

My heart pound so fast like it was about to explode. Our eyes were fixed together and it was so silent to be surprise, he was sticking his nose unto my business but I feel  like my tummy was being stitched, and the pain gives a ticklish result. 

" I- I'm-..."  he stuttered and as his hands tries to reach my face, what's wrong with my body why can't I push him, Why can't I stand and punch him again? It felt like I was nailed on his lap thinking that this position was like a dejavu...

"I'm s-so..."

" KARL RITES AND LIHAM JONES TO THE OFFICE NOW!!" A loud and scary call made us  realize on what we're doing... I immediately stood up and saw how crowded it was on our table with Mrs. Fermiza waiting for us to obey her... 

I hope I will not be fired. 

I look at Liham angrily but then at the moment I laid my eyes on him his eyes were blank, full of unknown colors and like it was pleading me to forgive him... pleading me to smile to him, to look warmly and in  awe unto his. 

It was confusing when I saw him, his expression suddenly change, is it because a teacher caught us fighting?.. or is it because he wants me to look bad to other people. It's not new to me to be disliked but I am trying  to avoid that now especially this year that I am a graduating student to fulfil the will of my mother. 

I saw a blemish of pity into his looks, and that made me ate him. 

" don't look at me as if you are regretting what you've done, I deserve it right?" I told him and started to walk following Mrs. Fermiza

My memories are flashing on me. I'm exhausted of this, It was all my fault no on is at fault it was mine. I was the reason why they die and to why I am back again to my former father, It is the only solution to atone my sins. 

" I am." He softly answered with his smooth gentle voice that lingers all throughout my body that give me shivers on my spine and made me stop as if I was nailed and hammered  on the floor and stopped me from walking, paralyzing my feet. 

what does he mean? 

He regretted?

*BADUMP* *BADUMP* 

Liham? A Liham Jones regretting his action the moment it went to this?! Seriously? HAHAHAHA 

I doubted. 

"How funny" I said sarcastically and left him hanging.

I did not allow  Keisha to tag along however I let her handle the group first, If she can and there I headed to Mrs. Fermiza's office.

****

Liham and I was just quietly seated on the office chair in front of Mrs. Fermiza gazing on us with her left eyebrows raising on us. What ever their decision is done, so I don't have any choice but to accept it but I am still hoping for the impossible. 

" Ehem" Mrs. Fermiza started as she broke the silence between the three of us and looks at me with disbelief. 

" Mr. Rites, I have given you a couple of chances to make up with your marks, you have been lacking in any forms of socializing and in many group activities since forever, I have been giving you chances because I have pity on you and to what your family has been through, I understand but What I don't understand is why are you making a scene on a public place? why are you making a fight with Mr. Jones? and why are you like this?! did you even understand how hard it is for me, to try everything just to pass you in my subject? I know you excel  some cases but it is only some. some is not enough... does your mother even taught yo--"

" with all due respect Mrs. Fermiza but  what the hell?!  I UNDERSTAND to WHERE you are coming at and I know I have a mistake making a fight or a scene if you say but don't EVER talk about family's to me, you don't even know what I've been through, and all you do is to spout none sense there? You say it's hard to pass me? again with all due respect but I almost perfect all your exams and quizzes even though I cut a lot in your subject. and don't include my mother in this matter because she has nothing to do with this bullshit, and stop pretending to be concern, all you do was to gossip about me, NOT HELPING ME!" I said upset and was about to stand but Liham grabbed my hands and let me sit again, I look at him with enraged feelings and his eyes were so soft and comforting.. that made me clam down a bit. 

I tempestuously sat again and faced Mrs. Fermiza's shocked face and like it was about to murder me. 

"excuse me, Mrs. Fermiza I'm sorry for the behaviour of Kale he is just in a very bad mood, and the fight a while ago was started by me, not kale... he was just trying to solo Keisha--"

I look at him in shock, what is he implying?? That I am doing something to a girl alone? Is he Crazy?! What word is he spouting!!!

"  I blurted and made a full misunderstanding between two parties... "

yes, you did you asshole!

"However I hope as a teacher, you have to consider student's feelings, personally I.. don't know what he is going through why he is like this... and I know me, as a trouble maker but also one of your good students is that you let us go this once" He said...

AND WHAT AN ACTUAL DUMB IS THAT?!!

Him?  a good student?! I don't even see shadow of it. he is a demon!

" devils do lie  a lot huh." I said with a quiet voice but I thing they heard it cause Liham stomp my feet lightly. 

why is he explaining the situation? he's a bad boy he can just run off and say bad things like in the movies and gossips about him, but I feel like he is trying to protect me, like he was trying to convince Mrs. Fermiza to understand and let me off this time..

Why are you like this to me Liham! I can't read you right.

"and to add  the statement, this is only Kale's first offense" he added and look at my side and smiles to me widely. I hid my face out flustered and let him the talking there.

" you know you both have a mistakes, especially you Mr. Rites using inappropriate words and offending your teacher, what a bad attitude you have. I am helping you what disaster happen in your mind!" she said. Offending?... Big Word. I just let her speak, I'm done telling what I have to say. I'm angry.

One thing I've learned through my experience is that if you are angry, just shut up. 

"okay, I'll let you off now, but there is no easy and special treatments here, I want the both of you to be the leader of your group and make sure you have the most high marks on that output or else I'll suspend you both" She said I only nodded, but I am not doing that it's tiring. 

" and also... for the disciplinary council you'll need to  clean the library office for the whole week. " she said giving me a bad glares  but I just pretended to not notice it.

and after giving us some earful scold, she let us go back to our room, but I did not leave the office yet. 

"You're not going?" Liham ask

"no, I still have matters to discuss with Mrs. Fermiza" I answered him without looking at him in the eye instead I was keeping my head down. I want to do right things and stop being disastrous on other people's eye, I'm sick to be pitied and to be stared at. even questioning my character because of some reasons. 

I felt like he was hesitating to touch me but at the end he cupped my faced and to my surprise he stared at me like he was scolding me not to do something anymore. 

" don't be such a bad baby!" he said... 

B-baby? can he even know how to use words rightly?

I tried shoving his hands but he was cupping my face near him so hard that it hurts a bit, what's his deal?! He was cupping it and acting cute in front of me. 

DISGUSTING!

I hardly pushed him and as soon as I accomplish that he look s at my face in a serious look... 

" seriously kale, don't do anything stupid, it's not suitable for you to be a bad boy okay..." he said with his eyes landing on mine with full of concern and worriedness. I think... That is what I ought to see I don't know if that really what he has felt

Is that a compliment or an insult? However I just nodded to make him stop.

"yeah, yeah, I wont do any thing so just go. " I said assuring him, he patted my head that made my eyes widen I rashly shoved his hand and I heard him only chuckles and get through the door. 

I let a wry chuckle, Why do I feel close to him?

As soon as the jerk was gone I faced Mrs. Fermiza looking at me/us  in surprise but suddenly change into a blank expression after looking at her. 

" ehem" she again broke the silence I just take a deep breathe and decide to do what is really right. 

I stand straight and bowed 90 degree to show some respect and ask for forgiveness and understanding.  

I felt that she was surprise to what I am doing but still she manage to listen. 

" I am very sorry to what I have done earlier, I did not intended to curse and offend you, but you've still offended me too, but still I am very sorry and please accept my apologies and understand me more deeply and let me graduate in peace in the name of my mother. " I pleaded and stayed bowing there to repent and show manners and respect to elder. 

I am changing and I hope I still can, My chest is very heavy and in any time now I might fall and give up. I am so tired, very tired to understand people on earth, understand life that has given to me, and understand how this disasters happen with me in it. it was like I was destined to witness and to be a part of being disastrous, it was like it was my life and despair was my happiness. 

I hope someone will let me see colours that can let me forget the despair, sadness and horrible flashes of dim lights and shades of life...

 It's terrifying to be alone. It's terrifying to live miserable, and it's horrible to be connected with disaster.