Beside You

Beside You Ch. 23: Give In 1/3

Chapter Twenty-Three: Give In 1/3

Why was I running?

I couldn’t even see where I was going anymore. My tears blinded me.

My ankle hit something, and I was sent flying.

My body collided with the ground hard.

“f**k,” I groaned.

It took me a second to realize the surface I landed on.

Fortunately, it was grass.

The initial impact was on my face and elbows.

The grass itself softened the blow, but it still hurt like a b***h.

I wanted to scream and punch the dirt, but I refrained.

That wouldn’t do me any good in the long run anyway.

Most likely, I’d only end up hurting myself more.

I wondered for a minute if I should get up and keep going, but I decided against that.

Michael wasn’t chasing after me anyway… not after all of that.

I sat up to look around to see if anything was familiar.

Nothing was recognizable, not in this darkness.

“Ren!”

I felt a jolt of panic shoot down my spine.

I turned around to see Michael walking up.

“What the f**k are you thinking?” he asked.

“The fastest way to get away from you,” I stated.

“It doesn’t look like that worked out very well,” he said.

He wasn’t wrong.

The only thing running away did was get me better acquainted with the ground.

An awkward silence passed between us before he spoke again.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

Why was that so surprising to hear?

“I think so,” I admitted.

He stepped forward and held out his good hand.

“Here,” he said, keeping his hand out.

It was going to take more than that to lift me off the ground. I felt glued to the dirt.

“Stop being stubborn,” he said, “I’m sorry.”

I glared up at him and pushed his hand away.

“Now you’re sorry?” I asked, “You know, if you meant it, you’d stop doing it in the first place.”

“I know,” he sighed, “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” I hissed, “You asshole.”

He just glanced away before sitting in the dirt in front of me.

“What are you doing?” I demanded, “Go away.”

“Is that really what you want?” he asked.

He just sounded tired, and that probably irritated me more.

“I opened the door of a moving car,” I stated, “To get away from you.”

“Then run away,” he said, “I won’t chase after you again.”

I just glared at him.

“I didn’t think so,” he said.

“This is my spot,” I said, “Find a different one.”

“Ren,” he said, “Stop.”

“Stop?” I hissed, “f**k off already.”

He didn’t look so good, like at all.

He brought his knees closer to his chest, and he covered his face with his hands.

He didn’t say anything for a little bit, and neither did I.

It was always hard to get a read on what Michael was thinking about.

I just wished that he would talk to me more.

He needed to be an adult and use his words.

“Michael?” I asked, “Are you alright?”

This was getting weirder by the minute.

“Do you seriously not realize how much you mean to me?” he asked.

I had to run that one over a few times in my mind.

By the tenth time, I think it was jumbled.

“What?” I asked.

He dropped his hands to stare me right in the eye.

“Do you think I get like this over just anybody?” he asked, “You deserve better.”

“That isn’t up to you,” I stated.

“It is as long as I’m around you,” he said, “I’ll make sure of it.”

“Don’t be an i***t,” I said, “You don’t get to decide who makes me happy or not.”

“Ren,” he sighed, “It can’t be me.”

“Why not?” I asked, “How do you know that?”

“If you knew how f****d up I am,” he said, “Then maybe you’d understand.”

“I might,” I said, “If you would just f*****g talk to me.”

He dropped his gaze to the grass.

The darkness couldn’t hide just how blue his eyes were.

I could see the sadness there, but I couldn’t just let him say things couldn’t work without trying.

“Things are good the way they are,” he stated, “This friendship.”

“Even if I want more?” I asked.

“Ren,” he said, “I can’t.”

“No,” I said, “You don’t want to.”

He just shook his head.

“You never said if you wanted more or not,” I stated, “You just said that you can’t.”

His eyes locked with mine.

“You think this isn’t hard for me?” he asked, “I do want you. I’d be f*****g stupid if I didn’t.”

I could feel my heart freaking out. It threatened to deafen me.

“But I can’t,” he said, “I can’t feel the way that you do.”

“You won’t,” I stated.

He took in a breath and laughed, but I could tell he wasn’t okay.

“You think I haven’t tried to love another person before?” he asked, “The love I feel for Benny and Gus isn’t that kind of love.”

He really didn’t understand.

Was he not given love growing up? Is that why he has such an aversion to talking about his mother?

That might be why when Steven called him a mama’s boy, he freaked out.

She might be the only person he knew how to love. Even if it might have been twisted.

“Michael,” I said, “There are different types of love, that’s true.”

He dropped his gaze again, and he picked at the grass.

“Only you know the difference between love and something else,” I said, “But that doesn’t work if you don’t truly know what love is.”

He started to laugh, and it made me nervous.

“You think I don’t know what love is?” he laughed harder, “I am fully aware of what I lack.”

I just stared at him as he continued to laugh.

It was painful to watch.

It took a few minutes for him to quiet down.

“Do you lack the ability to love?” I asked, “Or do you believe you are not capable of being loved?”

“Both.”

There was no hesitation in his answer.

“Do you not love me?” I asked.

I barely managed to get the question out. I was afraid of what he might say.

“Even after everything I just said?” he asked, “Do you want me to lie to you?”

“Yes,” I breathed.

I watched the mental struggle on his face as he tried to decide what to actually say.

His brows furrowed, and he tried not to look me directly in my eyes.

“I don’t want to lie to you,” he admitted, “But I do feel something for you.”

My heart sped up again. It was a little painful.

“But it isn’t what you want to hear,” he said.

“Tell me anyway,” I said.

“Ren,” he said, “We shouldn’t.”

“Michael,” I said back, “Tell me.”

He took in a breath, and I could feel his eyes on me again.

I was the one afraid to meet his sapphire orbs.

“I feel lust,” he said, “I want to bury myself so deep inside of you that I can’t come up for air.”

My body trembled.

That wasn’t a confession?

“I’m afraid that if I give into that,” he said, “That you’ll want nothing to do with me when it’s over.”

What was I even supposed to say to something like that?

“It’s easier to make you angry,” he said, “Because even if you’re mad, you’re still with us.”

“So,” I asked, “You didn’t mean what you said earlier?”

“I said a lot of things,” he said, “Most of them I only said because I was angry.”

“But some of them you meant?” I asked.

“I must have meant some of it,” he admitted, “If it came out of my mouth in anger.”

I guess he had a point.

I didn’t really know what to say to that.

How did he really feel about all of that?

“Were you really going to do it?” I asked, “Because you thought I was blackmailing you?”

“If I was going to lose you anyway,” he said, “Then yes.”

“What about now?” I asked.

I met his eyes, and I felt myself starting to shake.

Did I really want to know the answer to that?

“I don’t know,” he said, “I don’t want you to leave.”

This boy was stupid, I swear.

“What if things worked out?” I asked, “If we did….”

“No,” he interrupted, “I already told you.”

“You told me a lot,” I said, “But this could work.”

“Ren,” he said in a pleading tone, “How many different ways do I have to tell you how awful I am before you believe me?”

“You’re not awful to me,” I stated.

“Don’t f*****g lie,” he hissed, “We can’t even have a conversation without fighting. s*x would only make things worse.”

“Or it wouldn’t,” I shrugged.

He just stared at me. I could see the definite no in his eyes.

“You haven’t done this before,” I stated, “And neither have I.”

“The ending is always the same,” he stated, “Someone wants more than the other can give.”

“I’m not asking for more,” I stated.

I didn’t know how to do this. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted from him.

I just wanted him.

Maybe this was a terrible idea.

Right now I didn’t care.

“Michael,” I said, “If you really don’t want to, then I understand.”

He looked surprised.

“I’m not expecting to be boyfriend and girlfriend,” I stated, “I figured more along the lines of friends with benefits.”

“You’re a virgin Ren,” he stated, “Am I really supposed to believe you won’t change your mind?”

“How am I supposed to know that?” I asked, “We’re talking about right now.”

“What happens if you want more?” he asked.

“As long as we’re honest with each other,” I stated, “Then we deal with that when it comes up.”

“What if I want to f**k someone else?” he asked.

It bothered me to hear that, but it wasn’t surprising.

“That is up to you,” I stated, “Just don’t expect me to have s*x with you until you’ve bathed.”

He looked surprised to hear me say that.

“And what if I want to sleep with someone else?” I asked.

I could see the irritation in his eyes, “I want to know who.”

“Shouldn’t I be granted the same courtesy?” I asked, “I’m not asking to see or hear about who you choose to impale.”

His eyebrow arched at my words.

“Impale?” he asked.

“I was trying to say it less vulgar than I thought it,” I stated, “Impale with your dick.”

He smirked, “I kinda like the sound of that, actually.”

“Yes, quite funny,” I stated, “Michael the d**k Impaler.”

He chuckled.

The sound alone gave me butterflies.

“So?” I asked, “What do you say?”

“I don’t like it,” he said, “What if everything happens in the worst-case scenario?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted, “We can only trust that we’ll both be adults about it.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” he stated, “When we get mad, we say s**t to hurt each other.”

“I’d like to think that we’ll be fine,” I stated, “As long as we are open and honest with each other.”

“More open and honest than we are now?” he asked.

“Are you kidding?” I asked, “This s**t is painful.”

He nodded, “It really is.”

“We just need to be clear on what we want and expect from each other,” I stated, “Right now, it’s just going to be physical, right?”

“We’ll still be friends, right?” he asked.

“It wouldn’t be friends with benefits without the friends part.”

He scratched at the back of his neck nervously.

“Let’s get through the first time,” I stated, “Then we can decide if it’s something you want.”

“What?” he asked, “Wouldn’t that defeat the purpose?”

“Michael,” I said, “We can talk around this all night, but I don’t want to wait anymore.”

“Wait,” he said, his hands came up as if to shield himself from me, “You want to do this tonight?”

I didn’t really think that much about it.

I wanted to know what he felt like. I wanted a lot of things.

“And if I do?” I asked.

“Your knees,” he stated, “My arm.”

I couldn’t help but smirk.

“Be gentle with me.”

“Ren,” he groaned.

His hands went to his face again so fast I couldn’t see how my words really affected him.

I kind of like it when Michael was flustered.

“We can talk about it more after,” I stated, “How does that sound?”

His hands dropped, and he stared at me.

He was totally serious as he thought about it. I could practically see the gears in his head turning.

“I don’t know if I’m capable of doing this the way you deserve tonight,” he admitted.

“Are you trying to change your mind?” I asked.

“That’s not it,” he stated.

“Then why?” I asked, “Why not tonight?”

He made a noise that couldn’t entirely be described as a groan.

“It’s difficult to explain.”

I found that a little hard to believe.

“You can still try,” I said, “I think I can keep up.”

His right hand covered half his face as he just stared at me.

“Are you tired?” I asked.

“It’s,” he grumbled, “Not that.”

“Then?” I asked, “Is everything alright?”

“You really want me to say it?” he asked.

“Communication,” I stated, “If we want this to work.”

He sighed.

I waited there while it seemed like he was searching for the right words.

“I’m hard,” he mumbled, “And I have been for a while.”

“Okay,” I said, “What does that mean?”

His hand covered his eyes so that he didn’t have to look at me as he spoke again.

“It means it hurts,” he said, “And I don’t know how much longer I can wait.”

I’m still not sure I get the full meaning of what exactly he’s trying to say.

“Okay,” I said again.

He growled.

“It means I’ll either rush and hurt you,” he said, “Or we don’t do this tonight.”

I felt the blush in my cheeks.

“Why does it have to be one or the other?” I asked, “Isn’t there something we can do before so it doesn’t hurt you too much?”

He dropped his hand to glare at me.

“What?” I asked, “Isn’t there?”

“Well, yeah,” he said awkwardly, “But it’s embarrassing being the only one to get off like that.”

“We wouldn’t be doing it to embarrass you,” I stated, “We’d be doing it so that we can….”

I felt myself starting to get nervous just talking about it.

“So that we can what?” he asked.

I heard the slight amusement in his tone.

“So that we can feel good together,” I stated.

It was harder to say than I thought.

“Alright,” he said, “It’s hard to argue with that.”

I think I was shaking.

“Was that a yes?” I barely managed to speak out loud.