Beside You

Beside You Ch. 20: Begin Again 1/2

Chapter Twenty: Begin Again 1/2

“Ren?”

I glanced up from my phone to see Benny staring at me.

“What’s up?” I asked.

She frowned.

“Benny?” I asked.

What the hell did her mom talk to her about?

“Steven wants to press charges,” she said.

I didn’t think about that, not once.

“What do you mean?” I asked, “Why?”

I couldn’t even process her words properly.

Press charges? Why? For what?

He deserved to have the tar beaten out of him.

“That’s why my mom called,” she stated, “Steven wants to press charges, but she’s trying to talk him out of it.”

I held my hands up for her to wait.

“What happens if he does press charges against Michael?”

She awkwardly shifted her weight to her right, “He would go to jail.”

“Why?” I asked, “Didn’t Steven provoke him?”

“Well yeah,” she said, “But from what mom said, Michael doesn’t look half as bad as Steven does.”

“Is he really going to press charges?” I asked.

It didn’t sound like I really spoke out loud. It came out just above a whisper.

“I think so,” she said.

Was this real life? Is this how s**t really worked?

“We have to stop him,” I said.

She nodded, “My mom is already trying.”

“Can we see him?” I asked.

“See Steven?” she asked.

I nodded.

“I don’t think that’s the best idea.”

I don’t care about what choice is best.

Michael could go to actual prison because of me.

“Benny,” I said, “None of this would have happened if it weren’t for me.”

“Don’t do that to yourself,” Benny said, “It could have been any of us.”

I just stared at her. She looked a little upset.

“If Michael hadn’t, then Gus would have,” she said, “And if I saw him first, I would have.”

It always felt strange when she said stuff like this.

It reminded me that I was loved.

I’m still not used to it.

It made my heart hurt, but in a good way.

“I would do the same for you,” I said, “That’s why I need to talk to Steven again.”

“I don’t think you’ll be able to convince him to drop it,” she said.

“I won’t know until I try,” I said, “Right?”

She just stared at me.

It looked like she was thinking it over.

“You’re right,” she frowned.

“Then what are we waiting for?” I asked.

She glanced down at her phone, “We still have some time before visiting hours are over.”

I got to my feet and went right for my closet.

“Are you sure this is what you want to do?” she asked me.

I nodded fiercely at her.

They went out of their way for me. I wouldn’t hesitate to protect them.

“Then let’s do this,” she said.

++++++++++

It took a bit longer than I would have liked to get ready and make it to the hospital they were at.

I settled on a pair of blue jeans and a long-sleeve red and black striped shirt.

Benny wore black jeans with a navy blue tank top.

Gus had been calling her.

I don’t know why he couldn’t just tell me when I talked to him earlier.

He wanted to tell Benny what was going on.

Even though he made it pretty clear that most of it wasn’t going to be repeated.

So what was the point?

Why only share some of it?

Michael was admitted, but he was refusing to stay.

Gus’s main reason for calling was to get help convincing him to stay.

Michael is f*****g stubborn.

Benny reluctantly left me to deal with Steven by myself. She wanted to be there but knew the situation with Michael couldn’t wait.

It was how I wanted it anyway.

I had a feeling that Steven would respond more honestly if he was just talking to me.

At least, I hoped that was the case.

I knocked lightly on the door.

I didn’t hear a response.

My hand hesitated on the handle before I knocked again.

Still no response.

I opened the door anyway.

I poked my head in just to make sure it was actually Steven’s room.

The glare I got from the boy let me know I was right.

“What the f**k are you doing here?” he demanded.

I had to think about that one.

Do I just come right out and tell him to knock it off? Or do I at least try and hear his side of the story?

Fuck Steven.

He did look pretty battered though.

It made me feel better.

I walked into the room and shut the door behind me.

“I asked you a question,” Steven said.

I could see the bruises on his face. They were dark blue, and it only made me wonder how bad Michael looked.

Steven glared at me as I found the chair next to his bed, and I sat in it.

I just stared at him for a good few minutes before I spoke.

“You don’t look so good,” I stated.

He really didn’t.

He looked like he had a rough night.

“I wonder why?” he asked sarcastically.

His light brown eyes felt like they’d bore holes into me as he glared.

He seemed more upset than anything else.

Yes, the anger in his eyes was clear, but the rest of his face just expressed pure exhaustion.

It didn’t seem like he really wanted to fight with me, despite his hostile attitude.

“Did you mean it?” I asked, “When you said you would tell me anything I wanted to know?”

His gaze softened, and it surprised me a little that he didn’t look all proud of himself.

“Is there something that you want to know?”

He just stared back at me.

No anger, no pride, just a little bit curious.

“There is a lot that I would like to know,” I admitted, “But I need to earn some of those answers.”

His brows scrunched in disapproval, “Why do you have to earn them?”

“It’s a trust thing, Steven,” I said, “Maybe you just wouldn’t understand.”

He glanced away from me.

“You know,” he said, “I’m not as shitty as you think I am.”

“I didn’t say you were,” I stated, “But you were shitty to me.”

He opened his mouth to respond, but he shut it.

“Why do others that join the group not last long?” I asked.

His eyes locked with mine.

“You really haven’t figured that one out yet?” he asked.

I just shook my head.

“Michael,” he stated.

I had a feeling he would say that. It felt like a small weight settled in my stomach.

“Michael has a difficult time keeping his d**k to himself,” he said, “Just in case you haven’t noticed.”

“Yeah,” I sighed, “That’s what I keep hearing.”

“Mayren?”

I glanced up at him, and he looked a little worried.

He didn’t say my name with any hate, and it reminded me of when we first started going out.

Well, in secret.

“About what I asked earlier,” he said, “You really didn’t?”

He was still worried about that?

“Really?” I asked.

“You have questions for me,” he said, “And I have some for you.”

I took in a good-sized breath to prepare myself.

“I didn’t,” I said, “We didn’t.”

He nodded.

Why did he look so damn relieved?

“Why did Michael ruin their chances of having more people?” I asked, “I know that you know him better than I do.”

He shrugged, “He’s been like that for as long as I’ve known him.”

“Been like what?”

Steven sighed like he really didn’t even want to talk about this.

“Michael is still just a little boy on the inside,” he stated, “One of his biggest fears is being hurt by someone he cares about.”

I frowned.

“He would always tell me growing up that to love someone is to destroy them,” he nodded, “That was one of the reasons I looked up to him, honestly.”

He looked up to Michael for that?

“If he pushes you away first, you can’t hurt him,” he said, “That is Michael logic.”

“That’s stupid,” I stated.

“To you maybe,” Steven said, “But to Michael, it was probably a coping mechanism.”

Coping mechanism for what?

I wanted to ask so badly, but I couldn’t.

“I can see it in your eyes,” he said, “You want to know, don’t you?”

I nodded, “But don’t tell me.”

“You really don’t want to know?” he asked, “What happened to his stepfather?”

I shook my head.

“You don’t want to know what his mother did to him?”

I shook my head again.

“Why are you different?” he asked.

That caught me off guard.

“Different from what?”

“Why do they love you?” he asked.

I had no idea how to answer that question.

“I don’t know,” I admitted, “I have no idea.”

“Has he tried?” Steven asked, “Has he tried to f**k you?”

I shook my head.

“Don’t lie,” he said, “He was ready to kill me after what he thought I did to you.”

“I’m not lying,” I said, “He won’t do it.”

“He won’t?” he asked, “Or he can’t?”

“He won’t,” I said after a minute.

“So,” he said, “You’ve offered then?”

I nodded.

“Is that how he knows about your thighs?” he asked.

It wasn’t exactly how he knew, but I didn’t feel like explaining that to him.

“Yes,” I said quietly.

It was a little awkward, the silence that followed.

I could feel his eyes on me, but I couldn’t look at him.

“You really like him?” he asked.

I nodded.

“Mayren,” Steven said softly, “You are wasting your time with him.”

“You don’t know that,” I snapped.

“I do,” he said, “He has no idea how to love anybody.”

“Neither do I,” I said, “But we won’t know until we try.”

He looked like he felt bad for me.

“Stop it,” I said, “Stop looking at me like that.”

“Mayren,” he said, “Even his own mother couldn’t love him right.”

“She was sick,” I said, “That’s not his fault.”

He looked surprised, “He told you?”

“He told me a little bit,” I admitted, “But I don’t know what happened.”

He sighed again.

“When we were younger,” Steven said, “I used to ask him about girls.”

I glared at him.

“I’m not going to giveaway some crazy family secret,” he said, “Just some classic Michael words of wisdom.”

I just stared at him.

“He’s a looker,” he said, “I know you see that. Girls can’t help the deep blue tormented eyes.”

I glanced to the side.

His eyes were definitely one of the first things I noticed about him. I never saw torment in them.

I just saw a blue deeper than the ocean.

If I was being honest, I don’t think I have ever seen a blue like his eyes before.

To me, the dark blue was purely Michael.

“What were his words of wisdom?” I asked.

He held up one finger, “To love someone so much, or even not enough. Kills them.”

I frowned.

He held up a second finger, “To love someone, an obsession, or oppressive love. Rots them.”

What the f**k?

He held up a third finger, “To pretend to love someone, wastes them away.”

I didn’t care much for any of these words.

He held up a fourth finger.

“There’s more?” I asked.

“This is his biggest one, Mayren.”

I don’t think I wanted to hear this.

What kind of twisted s**t happened to him?

“To truly love someone will only destroy you in the end,” he said, “So why even bother with it in the first place?”

He really thinks that?

That loving me isn’t even worth it?

He wasn’t even the one I heard say it, so why does it still hurt?

“He really thinks that?” I asked.

Steven nodded, “He has this whole philosophy on it.”

“You really think he can’t love?” I asked.

“No,” he admitted, “It’s not that he can’t. It’s more like he won’t.”

He won’t?

“But when it comes to matters of the heart,” he said, “None of us have any control over who makes us feel the way we do.”

“You really believe that?” I asked.

“I do,” he admitted, “But Michael does have a point.”

“What?” I snapped, “That loving someone isn’t worth it?”

He shook his head. He didn’t even look mad that I snapped at him.

“To love someone is to destroy them,” he said, “To give someone else the power to hurt you, that is what he is trying to avoid.”

Even if I already love him?

He doesn’t care?

“Mayren,” Steven said, “I’ve seen you do it before, and you should do it again.”

I just glared at him.

I felt like I knew what he was about to say.

“Will anything you feel for him away,” he said, “He’ll only hurt you in the end.”

What if there was a chance that he didn’t?

“He only thinks about my cousin that way,” he said, “And she loves that goody-two-shoes Gus.”

“Hey,” I warned, “Don’t badmouth them.”

“I’m not,” he said, “I’m stating a fact.”

I didn’t quite get that. It sounded like he was trying to be a d**k.

“The first real experience he had with non-familial love was Benny,” he stated, “And even she didn’t want him.”

“She does love him,” I stated, “Just not like that.”

“Do you see my point?” he asked, “Every person he loves doesn’t want him.”

“But I do,” I admitted.

I gasped the second the words left my mouth.