A famous unreciprocated love

Awful first impression

I ignored him and kept on walking like a fury while the tears that I had managed to control the whole time were now pouring down my cheeks and my eyes were so blurry that I could hardly see the people I was shoving off my way to go to the toilets. It’s only when I walked by the girls that I looked at Rosie and said :

« What kind of friends are you to… to let me dream ab…about a guy you dated and who’s

clearly still into you? Why did you never tell… m…me about you and him? And for god’s

sake why did you let me go knowing that he hadn’t acknowledge my existence at all this whole time ? ».

Without waiting any more seconds I headed to the toilets, letting a shocked Georgie and Effie and a crying Rosie (she had to play the victim I guess). I locked myself in the toilet, my eyes were still so blurry as hell. With my hands trembling I managed to open my small way too expensive Miu Miu bag and tried looking for only one little thing, the only thing that I needed to stop the pain. And, transfer it into my own body : my razor blade. When I, ended up finding it, I removed my sleeve from my right arm and began cutting multiple times avoiding my already bruised wrist. Putting my wrist above the toilet hole I let the blood sink and I finally felt a wave of relief that I had been hoping for. But it didn’t stop myself from crying hard. Not because he had been rude to me without even really knowing it but because once again, I made a fool out of myself. I let my imagination fool me, I let myself be the naive girl that I hate being when I’m out with my oh so confident and beautiful friends. Why couldn’t I realize that we weren’t playing at the same level of this stupid « find a soulmate game ».

Gosh, why was I making it such big of a deal ? After all, it was obvious that the perfect Harry Skanders would never have fall for me. Love at first sight, my ass. I was now so deep into my thoughts, blood still sinking that I didn’t hear footsteps coming my way and a male voice saying :

« Please, open the door. I know you’re there ». It was the voice of the one I would have never imagine hearing again in such a short lapse of time : Harry’s. Under the shock of realizing he had been following me, giving an actual care but not my oh

so best friends, made me speechless. But mostly under a deep panic knowing that the timing

what the worst ever.

« Let me alone, I’m… I’m busy. » I said slowly standing up and taking enough toilet paper to

wrap it around my bleeding wrist.

« You are not doing what people usually do in the toilets so please open this door. This is

serious and you know it ».

An utter shock of realization came up to me as I realized thar he had managed to understand what I had been doing this whole time. It made me lose my mind. Nobody had ever known about my little secret. A secret I had kept ever since I was 13. Doing it wasn’t a cry for help, it just was my way of keeping a trace of every bit of deep sadness and hardships that I went through in my life. Such as at 13 when I found out that nobody wanted to be my

friend at school because people didn’t want to get their reputation ruined hanging out with

the « cow » as they would call me. Or at 15 when I came under the realization that I was the

only girl not having a boyfriend or a secret admirer at school. Or at 18 when I struggled so hard with my weight during the summer, that the frustration of not being able to wear bikinis or not having a group of friends to hang out with during the summer made me hurt myself even more. I would not say that it gets easier with time, but it gets more acceptable. I do it as a secret powerful medicine of mine that nobody knows about but whom I sure I’d be judge on if anyone knew about it. And yes, I was the best at hiding my scars, people thought I was a « long sleeve lover » just because of my weight but I surely was not. Still panicked and deeply unconscious of the serious situation I got myself in, I took the razor blade that I had left on the floor and placed it under my right hand, pressuring it enough so that it would hurt me even more. I stopped crying and brutally opened up the door to an oddly worried Harry. And at that exact moment I didn’t care how I looked nay how I my brutal gesture must have been scary, the only thing I cared about at that exact moment was to make him regret and to make him feel really bad about himself.

« You know what Harry ? I’ll stop whatever you think I was doing if you say my name. » I said calmly but still looking like a fury. Even though the pain that was giving me the blade hidden in my right hand gave me an exquisite moment of relief.

« You are not playing fair right now and you know it » He replied, remorses showing up on

his face. Then he looked at my arms and said with an unexpected angry tone :

« Show me your right hand right now! »

Not being able to deal with this way too unexpected situation I backed out and yelled :

« DON’T YOU DARE APPROACHING ME OR I SWEAR I … »

And then he did the most unexpected thing I could have ever think of : he abruptly but gently pushed me on the wall of the toilet and in a swift movement grabbed both of my arms by placing them above my head. The razor blade now on the floor, his face suddenly came inches from mine and he slowly but firmly said :

« You what ugh? »



His words and the way that he kept looking at me as if I he was trying to figure me out or something made me feel so caught off guard that at first, I didn’t even notice that he had removed one of his hands from my now lifted arms and grabbed some tissue to wrap it around the now bleeding palm of my right hand. The touch of his warm fingers on my cold hand gave me such a sudden wave of realization that I immediately reacted by firmly pushing him away from me with my left hand but he came back closer this time. I was so focused on trying to get away from this sticky situation and the anxiety that he was giving me that, at first I didn’t realize that he also got injured by the razor blade. It must have happened when he first pushed me on the wall, it was a short cut but yet pretty deep on the thumb of his right hand. However, when I looked into his eyes, he didn’t seem to feel the hurt, instead his face had remain neutral the whole time and looked way more concerned about myself than he should have. That is at this exact moment that I felt myself unable to pursue this unreal situation and my mind just decided to let go. I closed my eyes and just let my tears fall deciding to cry my eyes out as if he wasn’t here. Feeling my body too heavy for my own sadness, I lost balance and fell on the cold hard floor. Not paying attention to the fact that Harry immediately grabbed me by my waist and slowly made both of us sat down on the floor. He then put his arm around my shoulders and with his right injured hand slowly covered my bloody wrist by giving it unexpected caresses. And now, all I could hear was the water sinking, loud bad music and Harry’s slow beating heart. I didn’t dare looking at his face, all I wanted to do was staying numb even though it was in his arms and even though I knew that after this I won’t ever see his face again. And you might say, but girl you are in his arms right now, don’t you feel lucky? Yes, I was in his arms but for the wrongest reasons, the reasons that nobody would ever associate to what love is. And this did hurt a little bit more.

« What’s your name ? He suddenly said with his dark husky voice mixed with slight annoyance and concern.

« What for? »