The Name You Gave Me

Chapter 9 - Eat Your Breakfast

It has been a couple of days since I had met Asena and had that lovely conversation with Jessie. Since then, the gardens have become our official meeting place. Kace always stands guard while Asena explains in greater detail to Aaron and I about exactly what is going on. We never get caught. Not once. But I can’t help but to think that things are going good...perhaps too good. As if it is the calm before the storm.

Aaron and I have still tried to hang out with others, trying to not be suspicious at all about it. Jessie is still standoffish, but she is the only one. Even now, as we sit around the table in the dining room under the chandelier lighting trying to eat our breakfast, Jessie keeps shooting the two of us odd looks.

"Rohanna, my dear, I have a question if you don't mind me asking it," Lilura speaks up suddenly, but she doesn't give me a chance to answer before she continues, "Is your maid ill?"

I furrow my eyebrows out of confusion at her question. Why is she asking about Ambree?

"Uh, no..." I say slowly as I shake my head, confusion lacing my tone.

"Oh...Well I was just wondering because that dress is absolutely hideous. Blue is such a horrid color. I just can't see any of the maids willingly giving that dress to even a commoner...Oh wait, you are one," the red head smirks triumphantly.

It takes every ounce of self-control that I have not to roll my eyes as I sigh and sit up straighter. This is the type of pettiness that I loathe. I would rather face a bunch of rebels than have to deal with Lilura's big, outspoken mouth.

"That is such an ironic thing for you to say, Lilura, since you were wearing blue the night of the Welcoming Ball. Or were you too busy sulking that I danced with Aaron and you didn't to even notice the color of your own dress?" I point out as I continue to speak, "And that is funny that you keep referring to me as a commoner, yet here we sit eating the same food, at the same dining table, in the same room, with the same treatment."

She looks as if she has been slapped and I feel a strange satisfaction settle into my bones. Even the sounds of Darius laughing at what I have said causes my own smirk to reveal itself on my plump lips. The way that her pale cheeks turn a rosy red settles well with me. Since when do I find such pleasure in seeing the downfall of others? Surely it is only because Lilura deserves the embarrassment that I have caused her.

"Do you really want to talk about that night? Because from what I recall, it wasn't the best for you either. And anyways, blue actually looks good on me, as does everything," Lilura snaps back, her words full of venom as she flips her red hair over her shoulder as if to add more affect to her words.

Right...because the night of the Welcoming Ball was the night that I had found about Emilio's death. It had been three weeks ago, but still the reminder that he was gone stung like a hornet's sting. Taking my silence for victory, she continues.

"You know, some people are just born with tragedy in their blood. It makes since why everyone close to you dies," she says slyly.

The moment that I hear the words come out of her mouth, I slam my hands on the table and stand up, a fire forming in the pit of my abdomen. I have much bigger things to worry about than Lilura calling me out on the deaths of my loved ones and that causes my patience to wear thin. Everyone around the table jumps at the loud bang, even Lilura.

"You can call me a monster and paint me as a villain due to those who have died around me, Lilura. But let me just say one thing...If I am apparently so dangerous, then even you should be scared of me. Because trust me, you haven't even seen my bad side yet."

My voice is foreign, filled with rage from my past and current demons. My fists are clenched, my nails digging into the palms of my hands. A dead silence settles over the room and all that can be heard is the sound of my heavy breaths. The guard who is standing by the door makes his way over quickly.

"Is there a problem over here, ladies?" He asks, his voice deep and stern, as if daring one of us to push his buttons.

"No, everything is fine," I seethe as I move to sit down, but, of course, Lilura has other plans.

"Is there a problem?! Of course, there is! This lunatic just threatened me!" She exclaims.

"I didn't threaten you! Stop being over dramatic and attention seeking and eat your breakfast!" I snap back, but suddenly I feel a strong hand grab my arm.

"Perhaps you should go out and take a break, get some fresh air," the guard says.

"Don't touch me!" I say sharply as I jerk my arm away from him, not in the mood to be pampered.

I let out a shaky breath as I glance around and notice everyone staring. Even Aaron and Darius look a bit taken back. Without saying another word, I turn and walk out, the sound of my flats hitting the ground echoing in the near silent room. Just as I reach the door, I can hear Eloise comforting Lilura. Of course, she plays the victim per usual.

I make my way out into the hallway before I go to the one place that I have grown comfortable with...the gardens. I go through the waiting room and walk outside, instantly inhaling the fresh air. The scent of the flowers reminds me of being back at home. A part of me wishes that I had never left, but the other part of me is glad I did. Why? Because if I hadn't then I would have never been able to find out about the Fate Defiance.

As I sit, trying to calm myself down, I allow myself to just have a moment to myself and to replay what had just happened. Lilura obviously wanted a monster so that she could be a victim and I had given her one. What is wrong with me? Three weeks into living in the palace and lately I have been feeling so dead in my own skin. My mind is consumed by the need to avenge Emilio. I killed my old self, but the new me isn't much better. I might have gotten rid of the girl who was always scared of being lesser than, but now in her place is a woman who wants to make the world shatter and break at her fingertips. I know what I want and I am going to get it. Revenge.

"Rohanna, are you okay?"

I look up, my mind being torn away from its dark and daunting thoughts as my hazel eyes land on Aaron. Worry is evident on his structured facial features, but so is a touch of fear. Wait...is he scared of me?

"I'm fine. The guard was right, I just needed some fresh air," I say, thinking that he is asking since I had stormed out so suddenly.

"Well, what about with what happened with Lilura? You were a bit harsh in there," he states as he steps closer to me hesitantly.

Seriously, why is everyone treating me like I am a fine piece of glass about to shatter? Or perhaps they are more afraid that I am a fragile bomb just seconds away from exploding. How unfortunate....

"I was harsh? Really, Aaron?" I ask as I scoff and shake my head, "She was trying to use my mother's death and Emilio's murder to affect me. Like she always does! I couldn't just sit there and allow that!"

"But you did let it affect you!" Aaron exclaims slightly, but the moment he realizes that he is raising his voice, he clears his throat and lowers his voice once more. "You did let it affect you..."

What is Aaron getting at? And why is he seemingly getting so frustrated at me for literally standing up for myself?!

"Aaron, of course it affected me! I'm not some heartless monster!" I snap.

"Well, you sure did act like one, Ro!"

I felt like my voice had been ripped from my throat. That nickname...Ro... Emilio’s nickname for me. I haven't heard that being spoken since the Meaning Ceremony.

"Don't call me that," I say coldly as I stand and stare at Aaron, whose golden-brown eyes look just as angry as how I feel.

"I am just trying to protect you. If you let this hunger for destruction consume you, then you will be no better than the ones who killed Emilio," he retorted, "This makes me not even want to be a part of this whole rebellion thing with you. It is changing you!"

Silence....Looking at where we are now, I feel myself sinking. Three weeks and what had become of us? What happened to the boy who was such a gentleman and understanding? What happened to the girl who was just trying to fit in? We had been ruined.

"Leave."

"Rohanna, you can't seriously-"

"Aaron, I said to leave!" I yell, my loud and firm voice causing some birds nearby to fly away, "I can't afford to be emotional and careful about other people's feelings, okay?! I don't have that luxury! I will burn this system to the ground. The question isn't who will let me, it is who will try and stop me. So, if that is what you are going to do, the I suggest you get out of my way because I don't want to burn you too."

Aaron stands there looking at me with an indecipherable expression for a few seconds. My chest heaves with every breath I take and I can feel my heart pounding against my chest. Guilt pangs inside me, begging to be released into the world, but I purse my lips tensely as I stare back at him. Then without speaking another word, I watch as the once charming prince turns around and walks back into the royal palace, slamming the door shut behind him.

I let out a breath as I sit back down on the bench, running my hands over my face and through my thick hair. I had to do this. It is final. There is no way that Emilio was the only person who had been murdered due to the system and if I don’t uncover the truth, then who will? Yes, this is my destiny.

My destiny is to avenge all of those who has been wronged by the flawed society that we all live in, not to be some ditzy princess living under the king's mere say. I don’t care what the Counsel said and I don’t care what my name means. Whatever Sir Ambrose has written down, I am officially erasing and covering it with my own story.

I stand, after taking a few minutes to calm down...well as much as I could anyways. I can do this without Aaron. I hadn't needed anyone's help before and I sure don’t need it now. Well, perhaps besides Asena and Kace. There is no way that I am going to be able to get into Sir Ambrose's house without the two of them, much less get into the Room of Names. It is probably best if Aaron isn't involved anyways, that way if something goes wrong, he won't be there to catch the consequences. I let my eyes wonder around the garden.

"Portia would have loved this," I whisper under my breath and to myself.

She would have. There is no doubt about it. But the royal palace is the perfect example of how even the most beautiful rose is tainted with taxing thorns. I can’t help but to wonder what Portia's name means. After Emilio, I can’t help but to worry. I suppose that I will just have to check for myself whenever Asena, Kace, and I figure out a way to get into the Room of Names.

I roam around the gardens for some time, shielding my eyes from the brightness that radiates from the sun as it slowly rises to be higher in the blue sky. I need to find Kace and let him know that Aaron is no longer going to be helping us. Asena might not like it, but she will have to deal with it. I am not going to throw this chance away for anyone.

Finally, I make my way inside at about lunch time. The break that I took was needed. It allowed me time to be able to figure out exactly what I stand for and what I stand for is quite simple...I stand for fairness. For no system. For no predetermined fate. I brush some of my hair out of my face as I walk through the waiting room and then up the stairs, my eyes staying peeled for Kace. When I make it to my room, I see him standing outside of it with a worried expression on his face.

"Where have you been?" He asks as he looks at me with an obviously non approving frown.

"I was out in the gardens," I say, trying not to make a big deal out of it, "I just needed some alone time."

I hope that he hasn't heard about my outburst with Lilura from breakfast, but I am sure that he has. I can’t be that lucky.

"You can't just do that, Rohanna. You can't just threaten one of the other princesses and then just go outside without telling anyone," Kace chides me, his voice and body language being tense, "Remember, everything you do affects Asena, Aaron, and me. We cannot afford for you to get too mad and blow our whole plan.”

"Seriously? You are worried about me ruining the plan? I want this more than anyone else in this palace, Kace," I scoff before I continue, "And you don't have to worry about Aaron anymore. He is out."

Kace's eyebrows furrow as he looks at me.

"What do you mean when you say that Aaron is out? What have you done this time?"

"What have I done? I will tell you exactly what I told Aaron. All that I have done is stand up for myself because I am sick and tired of Lilura using my mom and Emilio against me. Have you ever been made a joke because of all of the dead people in your life, Kace?" I question as I cross my arms, "And if we are really going to talk about who is putting the plan at risk, why don't we focus on the fact that you are out in the hallway talking out loud about it to me."

I watch as Kace's pale cheeks turn red at my words, but I think it is more from frustration, not embarrassment. Oh well, I am not about to let myself be ran over by not only Lilura, but also my friends. After a few awkward seconds of silence and a stare down, Kace seems to calm down as he lets out a slow breath.

"Okay, fine. You are right. You had every right to snap at Lilura and I shouldn't have mentioned it out here. I am sorry," he says genuinely as he runs a hand through his curly, pale blonde hair, "But maybe we should take a break from all of this. I mean, it has only been a few days, but it is obviously getting to you and we have all year to figure it out."

"No. We are doing this as soon as possible. Waiting isn't an option because the longer that we wait for our selfish desires, the more people who are out there being wrongfully murdered and suffering," I instantly reply back.

"Rohanna, I understand that and I understand that all of this is hitting closer at home for you than any of us. But we can't let it consume us. It can end us," he pleads with me.

I shake my head as I open the door to my room and step inside, knowing very well that he won't follow me in.

"Then it is simple," I say as I look over my shoulder at him, "I will end them before they can end me."

With that, I shut the door behind me without giving him a chance to protest my words. This is my life and I am living it the way that I see fit.