The Name You Gave Me

Chapter 5 - More Than Royal

Emilio is dead.

The thought echoes in my mind, causing the only bit of serenity I have to shatter like glass.

Emilio is dead.

I don't know what to feel. Do I feel angry like a volcano that is about to erupt? Sad like the ocean on a gloomy day? Confused like a rainbow trying to shine through a relentless storm?

Emilio is dead.

My breaths come out shakily at I sit on my bed in my pale night gown, not knowing what to think.

Emilio is dead.

My green dress lays discarded on the floor and I can't even bother to move it.

Emilio is-

"Rohanna? Can we come in? It is me and Odette."

Dead.

I hear Jessie's concern filled voice sound as she lightly knocks against my door. The sound echoes in my ears, but I gather myself together enough to force out an answer.

"Come in," I call out and instantly hate how my voice sounds. It is raspy, as if I hadn't had a drink of water in ages. I sound vulnerable, weak, out in the open with no protection.

The door swings open to reveal Jessie and Odette, both in their silk gowns as well. Kace is standing behind them, no doubt having escorted them to my room. In their hands are mugs of what smells like tea. The two girls walk in and Kace shuts the door behind them. Instantly, Jessie shoots me an apologetic glance.

"I hope it was okay that I filled Odette in. She just wants to help as well."

I shake my head as I shift on my bed, allowing enough space for them to sit down next to me. Jessie silently passes the extra mug to me.

"It's okay," I say quietly, taking a sip and letting the warm liquid slide down my throat. Chamomile...A calming tea.

I can practically feel both of them staring at me. They are probably trying to figure out if I am going to break completely. But I can't do that. Emilio would be so disappointed if I did.

"So, how are you holding up?" Odette nearly whispers, her blue eyes holding so much sympathy that I just want to hide.

"I will be okay. I am just trying to wrap my mind around it...it just doesn't feel real," I answer her as I shake my head and look down at the mug. "They really murdered him because of his name meaning. As if that actually defines who he is as a person."

"But...It does. Doesn't it?" Odette questions.

I can see out of the corner of my eye that Jessie instantly elbows her, probably trying to signal her to shut up.

"I don't think it does. I mean, I used to. But how can a meaning that someone gives us define who we are as a human? Emilio is honestly one of the nicest people that I have met," I quickly explain before it dawns on me what I had said, "Was...Not is."

A silence fills the room, but it is not a comforting one that I am so used to. Instead, it is daunting, as if it is a fragile glass pane that is about to shatter. The silence consumes me, taking over my mind and transporting me back to a memory that I had nearly forgotten. That is up until now...

Three Years Ago

"Ro! I bet that I can climb higher than you!" Emilio's voice sounds from next to me.

I look over and there he is. A fifteen-year-old Emilio.

"As if, Lio. I am way more stronger than you. I bet you can't even get up on to the first branch," I tease back and quickly jump up, grabbing the tree branch.

I think I can do it, but I struggle to get my feet up. That is when I feel Emilio push me up from my feet, hoisting me on the branch. I look down at him just as he jumps up himself and easily climbs up.

"Hey! I told you that I could do it!"

"Sometimes you just need a little push to help you along," he says simply.

I smile at him and our former bet is forgotten as we shift to straddle the branch so that we are facing each other.

"You know...I wish that we could stay like this forever. I don't even want to find out my meaning," I murmur.

"Hey, let's make a pact right here and now," Emilio says as he places a hand on my shoulder, "No matter what our names mean or what jobs we are assigned, we will always be friends."

"Always..."

"Rohanna, are you okay?"

I am suddenly, and sadly, being brought to reality when I hear Jessie's voice. I blink away my unshed tears as I look up from my cup of tea, force what probably looks like a sad attempt at a smile, and nod my head. But am I okay? No, I am far from it.

"Jessie was just saying how Aaron has been asking about you," Odette speaks up, perhaps trying to bring my attention to something else.

"Oh yes! Like nonstop actually...I think he really likes you," Jessie perks up, but my mood just dims even more.

"Or maybe he is just worried because I found out that my best friend was murdered..." I mutter.

Silence again. Wait, am I supposed to suddenly become all giddy over a boy I had just met when not even three hours ago I found out that my best friend was killed? I know that Jessie and Odette are just trying to help, but there is only so much good that I can handle right now because honestly, I could burn down the palace in this very moment and not feel remorse.

This kind of feeling is foreign to me, as if a parasite has latched on to my brain. But, instead of feeding off nutrients, it is sucking any good I had in me. The thoughts that run through my mind are frightening, though I cannot seem to argue with them. This mess is part of my story. I am going to figure out exactly why Emilio was murdered.

"Who comes up with the meanings to our names?" I ask suddenly, breaking the silence.

I watch as Jessie and Odette share confused looks before they glance back to me.

"What do you mean?" Jessie questions, as if she is unsure on how to proceed.

I hate being treated as if I am some fragile being, as if I am a bomb that would explode at any moment. I am far from fragile and even though I feel broken, nothing will stop me from finding out what happened to my best friend. There is way too many unanswered questions and unknown variables.

"What I mean is, who comes up with the meanings to our names?" I ask again. "Does the Counsel randomly decide? Does some higher form of authority tell Sir Ambrose what to put? Is it all made up?"

"Well...Growing up, my mom always told me that Sir Ambrose is all knowing, as was all of the previous Counsels that came before him," Odette says slowly, obviously thinking over her words carefully, "She always said to trust the meanings. That they had never failed anyone."

A scoff sounds from me before I can stop it.

"Really? Well tell that to Emilio..." I murmur under my breath. I can see Odette's facial features contort into a look of shock and then morph into a final look of realization, but she doesn't speak on whatever seems to have clicked in her mind. On the other hand, my mind slips away yet again.

Two Years ago

"Rohanna, I need to talk to you."

I look up from my studying to see that Emilio is standing in front of me with a nervous expression written on his face. I frown slightly as I shut my tattered textbook, leaving my pencil in it to save my spot.

"Okay...Is everything okay?"  I ask him, concern lacing my words.

"Yes, everything is okay" Emilio quickly says before he sighs and runs a hand over his face and through his hair. "Actually...No. Everything isn't okay. I have to tell you something, but I just don't want to ruin-"

"Lio, there is no way that you could ruin our friendship. You can tell me anything, you know this."

He stills seems to hesitate, but my words do have some affect as he nods and lets out a breath.

"Okay, okay fine," he states as he seemingly prepares himself for what he is about to say. I can feel my heart quickening, as if it is threatening to burst out of my chest. Emilio never acts like this. I am always the serious one. "Rohanna, I like you."

What?! I make a face as I take in what he said, but he seems to misinterpret it.

"See! I knew that I shouldn't have told you!" He exclaims and he turns to leave.

I shake my head quickly as I stand up and grab his arm to stop him.

"No, wait. You do not get to tell me that and then just leave, Emilio!" I protest, my voice being sharp. Instantly he stops and slowly turns to me with a guilty expression on his face. Why should he feel guilty though? It's not like he can control his feelings.

"I'm sorry," he says quietly.

I sigh as I let go of his arm and shake my head again.

"Don't be sorry. It's just-"

"You don't like me like that. I get it," Emilio interrupts me, causing me to grow slightly irritated.

"I wasn't going to say that. Let me finish," I shoot back as I look at him, watching as a confused expression passes over his face. "You are my best friend, Lio. And I-well I don't want to risk losing that. You are one of the most steady and constant things in my life. You are like family at this point."

"So, you are friend zoning me" Emilio deadpans as he stares at me.

"I don't know what I am doing! That is what I am trying to say! All I know is that we have a good thing going and I am scared that if we push our luck that something will go wrong. And I can't lose you, Emilio. I just can't."

At my words, Emilio grows silent as he stares at me, perhaps trying to comprehend what exactly I mean. After all, it isn't like I am just flat out rejecting him.

"You know what? I'm sorry, Ro. You're right," he says, causing me to be rather surprised. "We are best friends and I was selfish to come to you and spring how I feel on you. I don't want to ruin this either."

I want to tell him to not be sorry. I want to tell him that he isn't selfish. But I feel so relieved that he isn't mad about what I said that I don't. I stay quiet, keeping my own feelings hidden behind my walls.

"Ladies, are you okay?"

I am, yet again, tore away from my thoughts and look up. Kace is standing in the doorway. He had addressed all three of us; Jessie, Odette, and myself, but his pale blue eyes are mainly focused on me. This pity is not something I want. I only want two things right now. To avenge Emilio or to bring him back. Only one of those two options are even remotely possible.

"We are fine. Thank you," I answer Kace, but I can see by the way his lips turn downward into a slight frown that he doesn't believe me. I look to Jessie and Odette and raise my eyebrow slightly at them, silently urging them to agree with me.

"Yeah, we are okay, Kace. Just talking," Odette speaks up, her voice soft. But Jessie stays silent as she gives me a slight quizzical look.

What? Is it so wrong that I don't want everyone to be concerned and focused on me? I would have rather been alone, sulking by myself, but I know that if I had turned Jessie and Odette away it would have seemed to be rude. The last thing I need is to lose the only friends that I have made so far.

Kace hesitates before he nods, though I can tell that he is still in denial of the fact that I am actually okay. I let out a breath before I force a small smile.

"Seriously, Kace. I am okay. I know you are worried; I know all of you are worried. But right now, I really don't know what else to say," I state as I glance between all three of them, "Emilio is gone. And that is something that I will have to come to terms with. But I can't just do that overnight. It is going to take some time."

After I say that, Kace seems to understand as he nods his head.

"Of course, I was just wanting to check in. And Aaron and Darius are concerned as well," he says before he goes and shuts the door. Instantly my smile vanishes and I glance back to the other girls.

"You guys don't have to stay here. I am sure that there is something better in which I am keeping you from," I insist slightly, trying to urge them out of my room without being obvious.

"Oh no, it is no biggie. Honestly, I had nothing to do-"

"Actually, we will be going. You probably want some time to yourself," Jessie interrupts Odette as she grabs the blonde's hand and stands up, dragging her with her.

Before I can say bye or thanks, Jessie is pulling Odette out of the door, despite her quiet protests of confusion that grow silent once the door is shut.

Finally, I am by myself again. The silence surrounds me as I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Tears sting from behind my eyelids, but I fight them. For the rest of the night, I should be unbothered. I had already sent away Ambree for the night, telling her to have the rest of the night to herself. She had tried to argue, but in the end I insisted.

I need to be by myself, but it isn’t to grieve. It is to figure out what I am going to do. Emilio's death was wrongful, despite whatever intentions had been in mind when they had killed him.

They

The bigger question is, who are they? Who are the ones who had killed Emilio? My mind is reeling with questions as I walk over to my mirror and stare into it. My hazel eyes are swollen, red, and glassy. I had allowed myself to break at the news of my friend losing his life. That is something I never do. Growing up with no mom and my little sister, I was used to always being strong. Well now I have to get that mentality back. 

I don't really know what Emilio's death meant. But what I do know is that everything has changed. Right when I thought that I could possibly fit in at the royal palace, something happened that put me right back into my place. I take a deep breath and try to remember who I am.

I am a commoner. I am a princess. I am a girl who will not rest until I get answers. I am relentless. I am so much more than royal. I am Rohanna Amelia Perez.