My Ex Almost Broke Me

I messed up

Nande’s POV

He’s offering to take me home? Aren’t we going to his place? Am I not pretty enough? Does he want me to offer myself? What is going on here? Is he playing some mind games with me? I think of better ways to ask this. A polite way, but I can’t think of something along those lines. So I just went out and asked him. “You aren’t taking me to your place after paying so much for me?” And this time I looked at him in the eyes so he would know I was serious. What does this guy want? “You don’t think I’m beautiful enough?”

He looked at me like I accused him of a despicable crime. But I want to know, so I don’t back down. I’m still looking at him in the eyes. “What are you talking about? Do you think I took you here to get in your pants?” He sounded hurt and offended. And hearing him sound like that, I am no longer hurt or angry, I understand where he’s coming from. I really don’t know what was wrong with me. For a minute, I was offended that he wasn’t taking me home. I thought he was saying I am not beautiful enough. I haven’t felt beautiful in years. That relationship with Lucky really messed up my self-esteem. I don’t know why I would think he wanted to get into my pants. He was going to do that without taking me out on a date, right? I haven’t been on a date for years and the information I had is the information I got from watching TV and using social media. And it’s not always so good. Some people make going out on a date look like some kind of exchange. And as a woman who didn’t chip in, I had a picture of what I thought was expected of me. It looked like I got the wrong picture. I got the wrong idea. But how was I supposed to know?

“No, my plan was to take you out, enjoy our meals as we got to know each other. That was my plan. I thought it was what you expected too. I offered you a ride home because you mentioned a tight budget earlier. I was really trying to be nice because you deserve it. So no, I am not taking you back to my place. I didn’t take you out on a date, so I can take you to my place after the date. And you are a beautiful person, not only on the outside, but inside too.” I am used to Lucky, who was nice when he wanted something from me. And I still felt like he was nice because he wanted to take me home to his bed. I thought I was expected to pay him in other ways for taking me to a fancy restaurant and buying me expensive food. I don’t think I know how to handle being treated kindly anymore. I was used by people who I thought were good. People who abused my kindness. Not just Lucky, his family too, especially his mom. Damn, I trusted that woman and what did she do when we went to her house to report my pregnancy? She treated me like trash. My mom took some time to recover. She was hurt. I’m still hurt.

I am ashamed of myself. I made everything about me today. He was nice enough to listen to me vent. He didn’t have to, but what did I just do? I offended him. And when he talked about his ex-wife who cheated, why did I attack him when I did not have the full story? What was really wrong with me? Even when I attacked him, I made this about me and now I don’t know what to say to him. If he stopped working at my parents’ house or if he avoided me, I wouldn’t blame him. I really messed up. I am taking my anger out on the wrong person. Lucky was the one that was supposed to get a backlash from me, not Bukhosi. That guy has been nothing but gentle and sweet. And what do I do? I fought him without getting all the information. I try so hard to think of something we could talk about but my mind is blank. I couldn’t think of anything so I looked out the window. I haven’t been here for years. I avoided any place I could run into my parents, siblings, old friends and family members. I messed everything up when I left home almost eight years ago and I messed up again today. But what did I do to the guy who abused me? The guy who deserved the backlash? I always treated him right and made sure that he was happy and content while he didn’t even care about me. I just messed up my chances of having a good friend on my side. Because I have to be honest with myself. A relationship wouldn’t be a good idea. I had just walked away from a seven-year relationship and he was just kicked out of his home after five years of marriage. We still have a lot of healing we need to do. I don’t even know where the temptation to call Lucky is coming from. Maybe he is having the time of his life, while I am stuck in the past. I bet he doesn’t even miss me anymore. Did he even miss me? And most importantly, did this guy even love me? Because here I am thinking about him while I should be enjoying this guy’s company. I meet a sweet guy and I let Lucky mess it up by thinking about him, bringing him up and even comparing him with Bukhosi, who has been nothing but sweet and considerate. We drove in silence until he got just outside my gate.

“Have a good night Nande. Peep through the curtain and wave as soon as you are inside, so I know you’re safely inside,” said Bukhosi as I moved to open the door. I can only nod. I wish him goodnight too. I can’t look at him in the eyes. I’m so embarrassed. I hurried inside the yard. The lights were on, it looked like my parents were waiting for me to get home. I am going to cry because people have been nothing but kind and I feel like I keep messing up. I closed the gate and I hurried towards the house. They didn’t lock up, it was clear they were waiting for me. I peep and wave before I lock the door. Bukhosi flicked his lights, waved back and he drove off.