Perfect Illusion

New perspective

Current days

I wake up after a terrible nightmare again. This has become recurrent since I left London and came to Florida. It's not the city or the weather here, I just think I might be going crazy and it was Murphy's fault. It's weird to assume that I'm completely dependent on him. The agreement was that no one would seek the other until things had died down. Murphy was arrested after that incident, for a short time, of course. His lawyer was extremely competent and managed to clear him out. Self defense. There was no lie in the statements, I tried to keep that in mind. Things shouldn’t have been that way. Although the bullet thta fired in my direction at the time of the fight didn’t kill me, it is as if a part of me had died that day.

The money we got from Peter was not enough, but I can say that it was a considerable sum as it will be able to keep us for about two or three years. Peter even was a nice guy. I'm sorry he had that end.

Six months ago my life was all about waiting. I try not to be visible in the neighborhood, not that I am an antisocial person, but for those who lead a life like mine, it is essential not to create bonds. I try not to raise suspicion and live normally.

I met Murphy nine years ago in a reformatory. I was a quiet girl and I had just turned fourteen. I was left by my father after he discovered that I was committing petty thefts and that I had suffered s****l abuse from his co-worker. He blamed me for what happened, since from my adolescence I already had a woman's body, I looked older than I really was, not to mention that he always sait in my face that I was just like my mother, a narcissistic slut who left him the first chance she got and ran off with a guy she'd met at a bar.

Shortly afterwards, Murphy and I fled from that place. Since then, we have remained together. Nine years passed. Nine years of passion and complicity. Of course, it was not always sunshine down on us. At first it was very difficult.

Murphy needed a lot of patience to deal with my aversion to s*x, my traumas ... And that made all the difference. He was the only one there, hands outstretched toward me to get up, otherwise I don’t know what would have happened to me.

We had no money for anything, so we started with petty thefts, but the money didn’t last, so Murphy had other ideas.

Without Murphy I feel a little melancholy, lost and aimless. I can’t be positive towards the future. I was reluctant to come to Florida without him after the incident. I thought I couldn’t live day by day, with the urge of seeing him come in through the door at any moment. And rambling about my past made time fly.

I look at the clock and realize it's almost lunch time. So I do my usual job: cleaning the house, washing clothes, shopping, taking my bath and sitting on the couch to watch my favorite series. I live in this cycle without end, but in a new perspective. I always had dreams. And after London, I want to accomplish them one by one.

At the end of the afternoon I decide to take a walk. It's almost invigorating. I live on Lincoln Avenue, it's very quiet, and the neighborhood almost always stays inside their homes. The house is simple yet cozy and very discreet. Nothing that could raise suspicion. With the money I also bought a used car. Murphy will freak out when he finds out, he hates old and used cars. I smile just thinking how angry he’ll get.

I drive to Melbourne Beach. I park the car and walk to the sand of the beach. My feet touch the hot sand, and the scent of salt spray invades my nostrils. Smell of the sea. I love it. I like to walk around here and see these beautiful mansions. Although the beaches are almost always empty, I feel like the air here is cozy.

My feet touch the water and I remember my childhood with my mother before she. I remember how all these things were difficult for me and how it all went wrong with Peter. I always think of him. It was our actions that culminated in his death. I should have died too, I wonder: I don’t know if I want to continue in this life. By the way, I know I don’t want to continue.

I look at my wristwatch, it's getting late. I leave off this wonderful sight in silence, just crack a smile and I wonder: what would it be like to be here on a Sunday, making sandcastles with Murphy and our son? I spin around. The beach would be a good setting for our wedding. I always dreamed of marrying Murphy, in a transparent dress and underneath a bikini. A crown of flowers on my head, both of us dressed in white and under a flowered tent. Few guests. Just some friends made over the years that, of course, you can count on your fingers. And our kiss of "yes" passionately, I smile. It's not quite his style, I've always been more romantic and dreamy.

I leave my ramblings and dreams aside. It's time to go home. On the way, I order pizza for dinner.

I park the car and Jenny, my neighbor, waves at me with a handsome smile. I wave back. We don’t talk much, but she was the only one who came to my house with a wonderful orange cake and welcomed me. She is beautiful and loving. She had a two-year-old daughter, the cutest thing I've ever seen in this world, the resemblance between them is incredible.

I close the car door and walk home. I need to take care of the garden, it’s horrendous. When I approach the door I get confused, it’s ajar. Didn’t I lock it? s**t! I remember locking it up when I left.

I look around cautiously, things are perfectly the way I left them. Silently, I walk through the house. Also there is nothing in the kitchen, apprehensive I open the drawer of the cabinet and pick up a knife. I look at the corridors, the guest room, the office, and finally, I go to my room. I'm beginning to think I'm crazy, I must have forgotten the open door. Lucky for me, you don’t hear much about assaults around here.

I open the bedroom door, everything is completely silent. The bathroom door is open, that's weird, because I never leave it open. My heart starts pounding, it beats so fast I think it can jump through my mouth. I point the knife forward and hold my hand up to the doorknob. I close my eyes and give a long sigh. Fear runs through my veins. And before I can turn the knob, a pair of strong arms grab me from behind, I start to scream, but the stranger puts his hand over my mouth and pulls me. I realize that the person is much taller than I am. I toss around and start to kick the air. The stranger disarms me so quickly and with a dexterity that the only thing that passes through my head is: I don’t want to die like this. I feel his chest glued to my back and his scent of soap, I recognize that smell, it's my soap. This crazy guy showered in my bathroom? When the pair of strong arms throw me on the bed and fall with his heavy body on me, I scream.

“HEEEELP!”.

“Hey, Chay! It's me!”.

It takes a while for me to understand.

I struggle for a few seconds, terrified. Until Murphy's face becomes clear to me.

“Hey dear. It's your man!”.

I punch his strong arms with all my strength and he kisses me, I push him.

“Not funny, Murphy! You wanted to scare me to death?”.

He laughs and gets up. He has a new tattoo on his chest. His private parts are covered by a white towel, his hair wet and misaligned.

“I thought you'd be happy to see me”, he gave me a cynical smile. I feel like punching him.

“Not this way. If you want to kill me, say so already! I thought it was a psychopath wanting to tear me into pieces”. My heart still beats fast.

He walks over to me, pulling the towel secured around his hips.

I don’t know if I'm happy to see him or if I hit him for being so stupid, beautiful and ...

“I didn’t like that, Murphy. Not funny. Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”.

“No phone calls, remember?”.

He sneaks up to me, I’m stand still on the mattress.

Shit! He affects me in such a way that I become hypnotized.

“It's not funny”. I push him away, but he's much stronger than I am.

“You didn’t miss me?”. He rests his face next to mine and I feel his lips and the tip of his nose touch my skin softly.

“Of course I did.”.

“It doesn’t look like it”, he teases. His hands caress my legs and slips into the waistband of my shorts, he unbuttons it and lowers the zipper.

“I'm mad at you right now.”.

“I love having s*x with you when you're angry.”, I grin.

“You're an i***t, you know that?”.

He slaps me lightly on the face and squeezes my jaw, staring at me.

“Have you lost respect for your man? You know what I do when you disrespect me, don’t you?”.

“Are you going to hit me?”, I challenge.

“Oh, I will. I know what you like”, he smiles with a cheeky face and kisses me in a different way. With ownership, passion and longing...

Suddenly, tears come out of my eyes, he pushes them away with the touch of his hands and continues to kiss me. Murphy kisses my neck as his hands tighten around my breasts under her bra. I let out a moan of pleasure. Long time without feeling his touch, his smell, his kisses...

“I missed you”, he whispers to my lips.

“I missed you too. I'm happy you’re here.”.

“I was going crazy thinking I was going to lose you”. He touches the scar above my right breast, next to my shoulder.

“You will never lose me!”.

We kiss. My hands run down his bare, broad back. He lifts my blouse and pulls my bra down leaving my breasts exposed. His mouth reaches my n****e sucking and biting with urgency. He is not affectionate, it is as if he needs my body to breathe, as if he wanted to possess it.

“Murphy... Slow down!”. I beg him, but it seems that only prompts him to be even more intense, violent, and possessive.

“I want you, Chay! I need to be inside you!”. With those words, he rips my blouse and finishes taking off my bra completely. Slips off my shorts and panties together through my legs, leaving me completely exposed.

“Murphy, I need a shower first. I'm sweaty and I just left the beach, my feet are full of sand and…”.

He looks at me curiously.

“Since when? Since when do you care?”.

“I care...”.

He shuts me up with a hot kiss that says "f**k it!"

He pushes my legs apart with his knees and penetrates me hard, without any preliminaries. That's how he likes it, he always says it's so much better when I'm not totally lubricated. I like the feeling of pain and pleasure it provides.

“Say you missed this, Chay”, he whispers in my ear. His hands lift my legs up to his hip.

“I've missed you, my love.”.

“My c**k, Chay! Tell me you missed being f****d like this, so good, by your man.”.

“I did.”.

“You did what? Say it! Say it out loud.”.

“I missed that, Murphy.”. He always makes me uncomfortable with this open way of talking about s*x.

He slaps my ass, I know what he wants to hear, Murphy likes to dirty talk during s*x. I don’t know if I feel embarrassed or defamed about it. The other men I've had s*x with are also into this sort of thing, but Murphy is much more explicit.

“Yes, Murphy. I missed your c**k and being f****d like that.”.

“f****d like that by whom?”. He penetrates me hard and I feel a little discomfort.

“You, my love.”.

“Just for me?”.

“Only for you.”.

He turns me on the mattress and pulls me by the waist leaving me the way he likes, on my knees and hands, on the bed. Then he laces my blond hair on his right hand and penetrates me. Like I said, he is not romantic and much less gentle, s*x with him is raw, pleasurable, painful and very intense... and I enjoy all those sensations. And when it’s over, when the two of us reach the high point of pleasure, it is as if nothing existed beyond us. All our worries are gone, all disappear... And then, I can feel how much he truly loves me.

He falls to the side, panting.

“I needed that a lot, you know that, right?”.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? And how did you get in?”. I wrap myself around his arms as he lights a cigarette.

“I have my ways. I wanted it to be a surprise.”.

“You scared me.”. I trace straight lines with my forefinger on his abdomen. It looks like he's gained a few pounds.

“How's everything going?”.

“Easy.”.

A silence settles between us.

I concentrate on the smoke thrown into the air.

“Is everything all right now? We’re not in danger anymore?”.

“No. We're going to start a new life here.”.

I smile. A new life? Could it be that he gave up the blows and we'll be a normal couple?

“Yes, let’s do it.”. I pull away a little.

“Is there anything to eat in this house?”.

“I ordered a pizza on the way before I came. But deliveries here take a while.”.

“Great. I'm going to take a shower.”. He stands up. And before he walks past the bathroom door, he stares at me. “See if you take your f*****g medicine. You know I hate babies. And we don’t want one, do we?”.

I watch him enter the bathroom, annoyed. He doesn’t close the door, and continues to chatter.

“You're too young to have an abortion, and we're not going to ruin this perfect body. With you getting pregnant, we won’t be able to lead the life we lead. Tomorrow we will talk about our next target. I'll take a walk around to get to know the neighbourhood. I have heard that in Melbourne Beach there are many billionaires, we need to think big now, no crumbs. And Chay, call a bar and ask for some beers.”.

I try to stifle my crying.

I thought everything would change after London.

Apparently, I was wrong.