will you make me your's?

chocking guilt

I just stroll back the way I came feeling bad for even wanting to know where my mom was and if she was okay I should have stayed in the car. I feel like beating myself up.

Finding the car unlocked doesn't make it better. I forgot to lock it when I left but it's not like anyone would be interested in taking anything from a beat down car like this. Am just glad everything is here my mom's alcohol too.

I just get to the hood of the car and look at the stars and the moon. Taking a deep breath and the refreshing feeling that always comes with it is heavenly. I would not trade this for anything else.

The calm atmosphere makes me think of my friends

Are they okay?

Do they hate me?

How can I reach them?

I don't have a phone or a laptop not because I don't want to though.

As the wind bows across my face and the calming effect the moon brings to me. It reminds of my friends always there for me and willing to support everthing I was set out to do even if it was wrong I just never let them in my personal life. A way to protect them.

None of them had ever been to my house and I was just glad they did not ask at all I was greatful for them. Maybe they thought it was because I lived in a poor neighbourhood where even the elevator wasn't working unlike their homes and was embarrassed considering the multiple times they told me they wouldn’t mind enetring my home even though it was beat down.

I just could not let them in. I didn’t want them to see the mess that was my life the reason I always looked tired and the reason I never showed emotions and was always frowning except in rare occassions.

How would I explain all the bottles of alcohol strewn all over the living room, the ciggarate butts all over the floor and the fact that my mom was always sprawled out on the sofa pass out drunk there was no way I could let this side of me be known to them I just couldn’t.

I miss them already and I haven't been gone for even a day. How will they react when they find out that I had left will they hate me?

I just hope they will be okay and I hold on to this really faint faith in my heart that I was going to be able to see them again in the future even if just to thank them for what they did for me. Even though they don’t know this because it would make raise their ego as hell they were my anchors for the little time I had known them.

They had become a motivation for me, a reason for me to wake up in the morning and face my fears a reason to endure all the pain and cover ups to get to school just to see their smiling faces.

I really do hope I had my phone or my laptop so I can be able to text them and communicate with them but as it turns out I had no way to reach them as I didn’t now their socials nor their numbers.

I am just devasted at this point I wish I had taken on Alexis offer to buy me a phone after I had lost mine as I had supposedly told them to hide what had really happened.