Stargazer

Chapter 5

9

They walked around their neighbourhood because neither of them could decide on anywhere to go or even offer any opinion. Aurelle couldn’t put much effort into being friendly, but Diana didn’t seem to care. Neither of them said much of anything but it felt alright just to be moving and to be in the world outside the house. The sun was beating down on the tops of their heads. Aurelle felt the heat radiating off her hair. Eventually they reached a more populated area with stores, and they approached a Mac’s Milk shop.

‘Wanna go in?’ Diana asked. ‘I’m thirsty.’

‘Sure, OK. I didn’t bring any money, though.’ Aurelle knew she was being unfriendly, which was uncharacteristic of her, but Diana just shrugged. The door jangled when they opened it. It was cool inside and smelt of refrigerator and cheap air fresheners, and Aurelle put a finger under her nose to block it out. She swallowed, feeling a wave of nausea. She called over to Diana.

‘I’m going to wait outside, OK? I just – I need air,’ she finished, realizing after how stupid that sounded.

‘K,’ Diana said, walking deeper into the store.

Outside, Aurelle leaned against the brick façade of the building and watched as some pigeons fought over crumbs. Soon Diana came out with two banana-flavoured popsicles and handed one to Aurelle. They peeled off the wrappers and started walking again.

Aurelle looked at Diana and then straight ahead. She said, ‘I’m pregnant.’ The words came out and then they were out in the world, and she blinked slowly, waiting for them to land. She didn’t know why she’d told Diana; she hardly knew her at all. That was why.

Diana looked at her. Aurelle could feel the expressionless gaze on her face. Her popsicle tasted like nothing.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes. Well. No, I guess not. But I think I am.’

Diana looked back over her shoulder and said, ‘Stay here.’ Aurelle watched her walk slowly back to the Mac’s Milk and go inside. Oh God, she thought. She’s getting me a pregnancy test at a Mac’s Milk. Sure enough, soon Diana was back with a small bag. ‘You can find out for sure,’ she said, handing it to Aurelle. Her voice was smooth and deep, and she wasn’t being gossipy or getting off on it. She was helping.

‘Did the guy say anything to you? About buying a test?’ Aurelle said, taking the bag, which felt weightless, like it contained nothing at all. Not everything.

‘No. He’s watching baseball on a little TV in there.’

‘OK. Well. Thank you.’

Diana lifted a shoulder. Up and down. Like it was nothing.

‘Um,’ Aurelle let out a forced laugh. ‘I don’t know why I told you.’

‘That’s OK. I won’t say anything.’ She paused. ‘I don’t have anyone to tell.’

‘Thanks.’ Aurelle held the bag at her side but wouldn’t look at it. ‘I guess I should do it somewhere that’s not home.’

‘Do you want to do it now?’

Aurelle said nothing, then: ‘I’m not a s**t or anything.’ Her voice sounded small, thin.

Diana stopped and so Aurelle did, too. A kid rode past them on a bike.

‘No,’ Diana said. ‘You’re not.’

‘He was my first,’ Aurelle said, barely audible. She didn’t like the way that sounded. Like he was part of a list. She didn’t want to think about anyone who would be next. He was all she wanted. She was embarrassed at the thought, how naïve she sounded.

Diana nodded. She brushed some hair out of her face and chewed on the stick of her popsicle. They had reached a park beside an outdoor pool. There was a jungle gym and changing rooms. Aurelle used to take swimming lessons here, but she was never very good. She was the only one of her siblings not to get her Bronze Medallion level badge. The fact was that she hardly ever swam at all, even in their own pool.

‘He doesn’t know. The… the guy, I mean,’ she said now. ‘We’re not together anymore. Or never were, or something.’ She looked through the chain-link fence at children and families swimming, then turned to Diana and opened her eyes wide as though just realizing what she’d done, telling this almost-stranger. ‘You probably want to know who it is,’ she said, with an edge to her voice.

‘No,’ Diana said lightly. ‘I don’t.’ Then she gestured at the changing rooms and said, ‘There’s a bathroom in there.’

The walls were concrete and there was a smell of damp towels and chlorine. Diana was waiting outside. Aurelle shut herself inside a stall and sat on the toilet, resisting the urge to pee until she needed to. She opened the bag and inspected the box, trying to understand the directions, to absorb the information, but her mind was a blur, foggy. Someone jostled the door and she froze, but they moved on, children giggling, parents cajoling. Here, dry your feet before you put your socks back on. Lean on me. She looked at the stick applicator then held it under her, pissing all over it and wondering if she had compromised the results by getting it too wet. Her hand shook. She withdrew it and sat staring at the applicator until it told her the answer.

Diana was sitting on a curb in the parking lot across from the pool, her long legs stretched out, looking at a family in the park. Aurelle came around the side of the changing rooms and Diana seemed to instinctively sense she was there, turning her head. She raised her eyebrows in question. Aurelle nodded, once. Yes. Her feet seemed to be lifting off the ground as she approached Diana, who was getting up now. She is so strange, Aurelle thought, somewhere in the murkiness of her mind. She is so unusual. She reached Diana and they stood facing each other. And then Diana put both her arms around Aurelle, who stood with hers limply at her sides, and she held her close, she held her with strength, almost with force. Aurelle could hear her own heart; she could hear Diana’s, too. She smelled Diana’s skin, her clothes, something she couldn’t pinpoint. Cloves? She closed her eyes and relaxed her body, submitting to Diana’s, who submitted to hers.