Unforgivable

Final goodbye

It's the one phone call that no one deserves, a call carved into my memories forever. “I'm sorry nevaeh" a deep croaked voice with heartbreak behind his words. “Your father has been killed” that moment those words rolled of he's tongue, a part of me snapped in two. The overwhelming shock left me speechless, feeling my heart pounding in my throat, tears streaming down my face. I fall to my knees clenching my chest “No….no.....this cannot be true” denial tainting my words. “I'm sorry” pain suffocated his voice with that the line went dead. I released my phone, it smashes onto the concrete, I wrap my arms around myself uncontrollable sobbing. I look to the sky and with my last bit of strength words come out like a whisper, “I love you papa.”

Just remembering that day sends a chill down my spine. My papa was my everything, it pained me more due to the last 2 years he has been so distant, the guilt is suffocating, and that call haunts my dreams. I thought he was grieving for my mother, who died suddenly 4 years ago. My papa always told me I was her double, even more so in the last year when he received my photos and my rehearsal tapes.

When I think of his voice and mentioning my mother my heart swells with both stood 5'4 (162.56 cm) blonde hair, although my hair has violet tips Cheshire cat smiles. The only thing different was our bodies, she was like a modal slender tanned curves all in the right places, she was honestly beautiful. Where I'm masculine and fit it comes with my career professional dancer, most recently I've been training on the pole to venture more into the exotic side.

It has been 2 weeks from the call and here I stand watching the groundskeepers lower my father's body into the ground. I'm numb, emotionless I look around and see so many people I knew a few long-term friends and others I don't recall their faces, but papa was a good man and well respected so does not surprise me. This many people want to pay their respects. I'm broke from thought when my uncle Sal lightly grips my elbow “It is time nene” a smile tugs at my lips as that was my father's pet name for me, I step forward and bend down to grab a handful of freshly shoveled dirt. I hold a hand over the top of my papa final resting place, releasing the dirt from my hand. I then step back and follow the last requested of my father's wishes, I begin to sing…

Tell me, what does it look like in heaven?

Is it peaceful? Is it free like they say?

Does the sun shine bright forever?

Has your pain gone away?

'Cause here on earth it feels like everything

good is missing since you left

and here on earth, everything's different,

there's an emptiness.

Oh-oh, I hope your dancing in the sky

and I hope you singing in the angels choir

and I hope the angels know what they have

ill bet it's so nice up in heaven since you arrived

I have to finish their as my uncontrolled tears are flowing freely, Sal wraps he arms around my back as I walk away “I will always love you papa”.

I stand a distance away, just as the heavens open a watch a flow of black umbrellas go up. A cue of my papa friends and associates walk by and place dirt on top like I did as they say they're last farewells and paying him respect. As the last few people say they're goodbyes, Sal breaks the silence. “You have done good nene your father would be so proud, I will give you a minute, ill be waiting in the car.” I just nod my head, and he takes of to the black Mercedes park on the cemetery road.

I walk back other to my papa grave I crouch, it all feel like a blur, I have thousands of memories flooding to my brain. When I look down, I wipe the fallen tears from my face. I see a single red rose planted on top of my papa coffin, it looked so beautiful. It is a shame, I don't recall of anyone placing it in. I take a deep breath and stand, “until we meet again papa” I make my way to the car, Sal is waiting for me.