The Placeholder

Chapter 8

I have to scramble frantically to form a properly constructed question. One that doesn't cross Nathaniel's unknown personal boundaries; or mine.

"Do you have any hobbies?" Is the most harmless—also slightly insightful—inquiry that I could come up with.

It is enough to bring contentment to his face.

"I used to paint sometimes, but I wasn't very good at it."

I stare at him in disbelief.

"You gave up because you weren't automatically skilled?"

Hasn't this man ever heard of practice?

"No, that is not why," Nathaniel says.

"I didn't give up on painting because it was too hard. I stopped because practicing didn't feel fulfilling."

I puzzle this for a moment with little success. "I'm afraid I don't follow."

"A hobby is something you are supposed to enjoy doing," he tells me smoothly. "Perhaps, not all of the time. But a hobby is supposed to be interesting enough to want to learn more. It isn't supposed to feel like a chore.

"And that was all painting became for me. Another grueling chore to fill in the many hours between dawn and nightfall. I lost interest, and so I wasn't willing to learn."

I nod as I begin to comprehend. "That makes a lot more sense," I admit. "Did you find anything to replace it?"

Nathaniel's expression abruptly shadows.

"Not really," he says dully. "When I had quit painting, I had been starting the process of looking into post-secondary education anyway. I felt much more excitement towards that."

I have hardly known my fiance for a complete day, but I hadn't yet witnessed him become glum until now. The sudden mood change takes me aback.

"Of course, I had to drop that interest. I was told I wouldn't have enough time to attend school when I have to be present for my responsibilities here, In the castle."

"That sounds ridiculous," I say with more iron than I had intended. Not directed at him, but at the life he is being forced to lead.

"Oh, it is," Nathaniel fumes. "My father has control issues to say the least. He lets me do only the minimal amount—and even that is a challenge for him to release into my grasp."

I ponder his words, wondering if my own father would have felt threatened by me had I been a son instead of a daughter. My brother had been sent away. I suppose he refused to have a half-blood steal his throne, but now there is no one to take his place. Unless Nathaniel moves back home with me, and Stefan becomes King of Bardulm. Or perhaps, he is expecting me to birth sons. Grandchildren he could give more attention to than he had ever given me.

The thought of having children frightens me. I hurriedly direct my thoughts back to the previous topic before I can grow anxious.

It occurs to me that furthering my education had never so much as crossed my mind. I have always been home schooled; taught by a hired tutor until my eighteenth birthday.

Not once had college or university been presented to me as an opportunity I would be allowed to take. As an activity I could be capable of committing to—something productive.

Why had I allowed my educational opportunities to blur right past me? Why had I accepted that further expanding my knowledge is something that would never be necessary In my life?

"You can still go to school," I assert. "It's not too late."

I think of Harriet-Makeba and her aspirations to become a firefighter. Meanwhile working full-time to protect me. From the bit of information I gathered, she has no intentions of letting any obstacles get in her way. Why should Nathaniel allow his duties to squash his educational pursuits?

"Hold firm to what you want. You're a grown man, you don't need permission."

Nathaniel smiles at me bleakly. "Is that what you have done, Rhoswen? Have you held firm to what you want?"

I purse my lips. I have planted my feet deeper than he would know. However, reuniting with Timmy has to be my secret at this time. Only my mother and Erick know where my loyalty lies.

"I am confident in protecting my people," I bellow. "Whatever it takes."

Nathaniel watches me carefully. His eyes a peculiar smoked green—the embers of an alien fire.

"For what it's worth, so am I."

I can only hope so.

"I think we got off track," he redirects. "What about your hobbies? You must have a few or it wouldn't have been the first thing you asked me."

In actuality, he is far off. My mind empties as I try to remember something I have done for fun.

My mother took hold of most my time. Training me on things I have yet to apply to my new life in Bardulm.

What had I done outside of that? It is difficult to remember. Erick would accompany me into town intermittently. Otherwise, we would remain within the perimeter of my castle's gates.

"I like to...walk."

Nathaniel c***s his head to the side. "Hiking or small walks?"

"Small walks. Though, I would like to start hiking."

"Perhaps I could join you." Nathaniel vitalizes the idea. "I could use more exercise myself. I don't get fresh air often."

I smile blandly. "I would like that."

We sit in silence for several minutes. Dread bubbles in my gut as I spot a severe resolve lurking—and slowly solidifying—In his leafy irises.

Nathaniel is going to cross over the daring, red line between harmless chatter and commitment standpoints.

I do not know this man. Other than the contract, I can't make him any promises.

If only I could communicate that without uttering a word.

My fiance exhales heavily.

"Rhoswen, I understand that this is going to be stressful for you. I can't even begin to comprehend how you must feel moving to a strange place and marrying someone you know nothing about; all on your own."

I bare my teeth defensively. "I don't want or need your sympathy."

"This isn't sympathy," he clips. "I just want you to know that I will not pressure you for anything. The ball will always be in your court."

A part of me thaws, but I'm not ready to ease up on him yet.

"Bold of you to assume I won't pressure you."

"Oh, Rhoswen," he laughs. "You are forgetting that I am older than you. I had two additional years to prepare that you did not. And those years were spent in adulthood."

I bristle. The way he words his thoughts doesn't sit well with me.

"Are you subtly calling me a child?"

"Of course not!" He denies incredulously.

"In many ways you are like me. You were forced to grow up fast."

I keep my expression tightly in check as Nathaniel's tone softens.

"I can already see that you were denied a childhood, for you lack even a consistent activity to provide you joy."

I glower darkly. "You don't have that either!"

"When was the last time you did something for only yourself?" He demands.

"I just took part in arranging my own wedding," I point out.

"Besides that. The wedding is something you dread and didn't choose on your own. When was the last time you made a complete selfish decision?"

I fall short.

"I-I don't know," I admit faintly. My heart drops as a foreign sadness seizes my insides.

Searching for Timmy counts, doesn't it? No one else wants him back except me.

Nathaniel's lips curve down at the sides.

"Rhoswen, I don't want our marriage to be your prison. If anything, I'm hoping being here will allow you more freedom to enjoy your own life. Your parents can't condition you in this castle."

I have a wild impulse to defend my parents, to insist that I had not been conditioned to do my mother or father's bidding. But how can I deny the obvious? I have been swayed to follow the slithered road bestowed upon my existence.

It is safe to say a large proportion of my acceptance is driven by the need to one day be treated like a normal human being by my own blood. The creators of my DNA.

I believe Nathaniel is trying to offer me that.

I close my eyes tightly.

"What about your parents?"

Nathaniel waves his hand dismissively.

"They won't ask you to do much right away," he leans back in his chair and runs his hand through his hair. "You have time here to find yourself."

"And then what? We're a mere couple days away from being husband and wife."

I hear the soft gust of air blow as he breathes from his nose.

"Like I said, Rhoswen, you have the ball. Do what you wish with it."

He hesitates to add, "If someday you're willing to...see if we can build an authentic relationship, or even a simple friendship, then I'll be more than willing to try."

My face flames.

The prospect of truly being in love with Nathaniel has never been very likely in my mind. I never expected him to be willing, and so I never once considered if I would be either.

Learning that he would like to try in the future...overwhelms me.

Nathaniel senses my dismay.

"Nothing needs to be decided about us now. In the meantime, we can be partners working towards our common goal. Repairing the bridge between both our countries." He smiles lightly. "How does that sound?"

I set my jaw firmly.

"That sounds fine." I reply, deadpan.

I stand, my feet numb from sitting too long.

"I think we have discussed everything we need to. Unless, you disagree."

"No, I'm content with this discussion as long as you are."

"I am."

Silence sucks the remaining current of energy from the room.

"I'll see you at the wedding?"

"Yes," I respond flatly. Fate resumes it's nagging howl from the sky.

"I will be there."