Youth

Chapter 5

I TOOK some sheets of paper, and tried, first of all, to make a

list of my tasks and duties for the coming year. The paper needed

ruling, but, as I could not find the ruler, I had to use a Latin

dictionary instead. The result was that, when I had drawn the pen

along the edge of the dictionary and removed the latter, I found

that, in place of a line, I had only made an oblong smudge on the

paper, since the, dictionary was not long enough to reach across

it, and the pen had slipped round the soft, yielding corner of

the book. Thereupon I took another piece of paper, and, by

carefully manipulating the dictionary, contrived to rule what at

least RESEMBLED lines. Dividing my duties into three sections--

my duties to myself, my duties to my neighbour, and my duties to

God--I started to indite a list of the first of those sections,

but they seemed to me so numerous, and therefore requiring to be

divided into so many species and subdivisions, that I thought I

had better first of all write down the heading of "Rules of My

Life" before proceeding to their detailed inscription.

Accordingly, I proceeded to write "Rules of My Life" on the

outside of the six sheets of paper which I had made into a sort

of folio, but the words came out in such a crooked and uneven

scrawl that for long I sat debating the question, "Shall I write

them again?"--for long, sat in agonised contemplation of the

ragged handwriting and disfigured title-page. Why was it that all

the beauty and clarity which my soul then contained came out so

misshapenly on paper (as in life itself) just when I was wishing

to apply those qualities to what I was thinking at the moment?

"The priest is here, so please come downstairs and hear his

directions," said Nicola as he entered,

Hurriedly concealing my folio under the table-cloth, I looked at

myself in the mirror, combed my hair upwards (I imagined this to

give me a pensive air), and descended to the divannaia, [Room

with divans, or ante-room] where the table stood covered with a

cloth and had an ikon and candles placed upon it. Papa entered

just as I did, but by another door: whereupon the priest--a grey-

headed old monk with a severe, elderly face--blessed him, and

Papa kissed his small, squat, wizened hand. I did the same.

"Go and call Woldemar," said Papa. "Where is he? Wait a minute,

though. Perhaps he is preparing for the Communion at the

University?"

"No, he is with the Prince," said Katenka, and glanced at

Lubotshka. Suddenly the latter blushed for some reason or

another, and then frowned. Finally, pretending that she was not

well, she left the room, and I followed her. In the drawing-room

she halted, and began to pencil something fresh on her paper of

peccadilloes.

"Well, what new sin have you gone and committed?" I asked.

"Nothing," she replied with another blush. All at once we heard

Dimitri's voice raised in the hall as he took his leave of

Woloda.

"It seems to me you are always experiencing some new temptation,"

said Katenka, who had entered the room behind us, and now stood

looking at Lubotshka.

What was the matter with my sister I could not conceive, but she

was now so agitated that the tears were starting from her eyes.

Finally her confusion grew uncontrollable, and vented itself in

rage against both herself and Katenka, who appeared to be teasing

her.

"Any one can see that you are a FOREIGNER!" she cried (nothing

offended Katenka so much as to be called by that term, which is

why Lubotshka used it). "Just because I have the secret of which

you know," she went on, with anger ringing through her tone, "you

purposely go and upset me! Please do understand that it is no

joking matter."

"Do you know what she has gone and written on her paper,

Nicolinka? cried Katenka, much infuriated by the term

"foreigner." "She has written down that--"

"Oh, I never could have believed that you could be so cruel!"

exclaimed Lubotshka, now bursting into open sobbing as she moved

away from us. "You chose that moment on purpose! You spend your

whole time in trying to make me sin! I'll never go to YOU again

for sympathy and advice!"