Smoke

CHAPTER 5

     I am blinded by my tear filled eyes. Attempting to let out a scream that is only swallowed by the void in my subconscious. It feels like the room is spinning and as though my body was not my own. My muscles are no longer controlling my limbs.

     Two large hands engulf my wrists, pinning them down above my head, while two others are roaming my unwilling body. I feel the weight holding me down around my waist hurriedly lift off of me, only then to come to the realization that my clothing is no longer covering my skin. The only feeling is that of the burning heat, trailing behind each unwanted touch.

     I can hear the blood pulsing through my body. My heart is beating so violently, that I'm sure it can be felt by whoever is on top of me.

     I want to scream. I need to scream! "Get off of me! Please stop! Don't do this! Please!" But, there is nothing. No one can hear me. They never will.

     I awake to a small, soft hand petting my drenched hair and whispering, "Shh, Austyn. Please wake up. It's only a dream. I'm here babe. You are safe."

     I open my eyes to a mournful look on Lily's face as she sits next to me on the bed. She is the only one who knows the depths of my nightmares that haunt me. She places a cold washcloth over my forehead after wiping down my sweat soaked neck and chest. 

     I smile weakly at her, silently thanking her for being there to pull me out of my personal hell. She does this more often than I would like to admit, but I appreciate her more and more each time she does.

     She cups my face and kisses the top of my head before asking, "You didn't drink last night did you?" Her eyes searching me for an answer she already knew. 

     The nightmares are more vivid when alcohol is in my system which is why I have been trying to stop. However, as you may know, old habits die hard. When I am sober the dreams are only bits and pieces that I can mostly control through lucid dreaming, a practice I learned from another r**e survivor in my old group counseling sessions. It doesn't always work, but it usually keeps them at bay for the most part.

     I groan, rolling over on my side, wrapping my arm around her waist and lying my head on her lap. "I only had one beer. I know that's not a good excuse...but it's the truth." 

     She runs her fingers through my hair absentmindedly, nodding to my confession and letting out a rather large sigh to show her disapproval. However, she stays silent, knowing that I am already beating myself up about it. I love that about her. I couldn't lie to her if I tried. She knows my vices and she knows every demon by name, yet she is still here every time I f**k up.

     Lily was reckless too, but never to my extreme. s*x was her vice. After her trauma, she felt like s*x no longer meant anything more than what it was. It was just an action that people craved and needed fulfilled.

     I would be lying if I said that my mindset was different. I have only just recently promised myself celibacy until I could control my reckless behavior. Whether it be the drugs or the alcohol, I knew I couldn't control my actions if I was still numbing my pain through a temporary fix. Numbness and solitude are dangerously addicting, especially when combined. That is why I am grateful to have Lily here with me to keep my ass in check.

     "So, what are your plans for today?" Lily asks, abruptly breaking me out of my deep thoughts. "Want to make a coffee run? It may make you feel better."

     "Yes please!" I sit up grabbing my head before adding, "My head is throbbing. I need some caffeine in my system before I start my job hunt today." 

     Lily's family is loaded and are paying her way out here. I, on the other hand, refuse to ask my family for help. They have helped me my entire life, and this was my chance to prove to them, and also to myself that I can do this on my own. So, to put it simply, I need to find a part-time job that will work around my class schedule.

     "Perfect, go hop in the shower and wash your nappy ass hair. I will be in the living room when you're ready," she huffs out a giggle, before standing from my bed and making her way out of my room to give me time to get ready.

     I mosey my way over to the bathroom and step inside the small, poor excuse for a shower. I face the shower head and let the scalding hot water run over my muscles, letting it ease all of the built up tension and sweat from my night. I quickly wash my hair and body with my rosemary and patchouli scented soap, and then stand under the water a few more moments to gather up the motivation needed for the day.

     Once I step out and dry off, I head back to my room and pick out a pair of dark wash skinny jeans that are cuffed at the ankle and a white, quarter-sleeved blouse to be sure and cover the inked skin on my upper arms. I'm not quite sure how my possible future employer will feel about tattoos, so I decide to play it safe. The ones on my hands are small, so I just hope they go unnoticed long enough for me to actually get the job. As for the hooped nose ring - well that would require pliers that I do not have in order for it to be removed, so I will take my chances. 

     I part my brown, waist-length hair down the middle and decide to straighten out my crazy waves. I then apply a light layer of makeup, going for a more natural appearance, apart from my signature dark brown lipstick. 

     After I am finished, I pull on my black chukkas and make my way out the door to grab Lily and head out for our much needed coffee date.

     We arrive at the little café 10 minutes later and my eyes widen in awe at how cute this place is. The front half is the actual café portion, whereas, the back half is a little book store. Scattered everywhere in between are lounge chairs and sofas for people needing a quiet getaway to read or study, while also staying caffeinated.

     I ask Lily to order me a large black coffee and hand her some cash, while I make my way through the labyrinth of shelves, over to the back counter. I clear my throat to grab the attention of a tall blonde guy reading behind the desk. I believe it is a book by Charles Dickens, based on the small glimpse I get of the cover before he shoves it under the chair he is sitting in.

     "Oh sorry about that. How may I help you today, honey?" I believe I detect a hint of an accent, but choose not to ask. His smile is bright and his hair is slicked back and to the side, reminding me of how the models style their hair on the covers of magazines. I swear that there is so much product in it, that if a tornado ripped by us right now, his hair would not budge.

     "No worries," I assure. "Was that 'Our Mutual Friend' by chance? I love that book."

     His smile widens and his eyebrows raise slightly, impressed that I know the classics. "You would be correct. It's refreshing meeting someone who actually knows who Charles Dickens is. Most of the book requests I receive involve vampires or werewolves." He lets out a charming laugh before extending his hand out to me and saying, "Hi, my name is Charlie." I take his hand with a smile and introduce myself before he adds, "I'm the owner here and would love to offer you a job if you're interested."

     Well that was easy.

     I rock myself onto my toes in excitement and say, "Funny you ask, because I was just about to ask you if you guys were hiring. The second I walked into this place, I bee line my way back here, already prepared to convince you in any way necessary to let me work here. This place is amazing!"

     "Well then it's settled, because I was about to do everything necessary to do the same thing. I'll have to have you fill out some paperwork for our records, but other than that, you're hired!" 

     Lily walks up behind me and hands me my coffee, taking in the good news. She shoots me a gargantuan smile and a thumbs up before saying, "I will let you two get better acquainted. I will see you later Austyn." A gesture in which I was grateful for. 

     Charlie then hands me a small packet of forms to complete and points me over to a small table and lounge chair that I could use. I promptly make my way over and fill out the paperwork, turning them over to him shortly after. 

     "Amazing! Can you start Monday? I have to move the schedule around a little so that we can start training you, but I think you will catch on quickly."

     "Monday is perfect. I can come in straight after class. Does 2:30 PM work for you?"

     "That will work perfectly." He flashes me one more smile before turning to help a customer find the book she is looking for.

     My phone vibrates, signaling a text message I just received from Lily. I hastily open the message hoping she wasn't upset that our coffee date turned into an interview. 

     I sigh in relief when it reads, "So happy for you that you found a job so quickly! That place will be perfect for you. Just wanted to let you know I am meeting Zach (frat guy) for lunch. Won't be back till later. Love you! xxx"

     I quickly text back, "Thanks babe, love you too! Make good choices!!!"

     "You know I won't ;)"

     "Remember, wrap it before you tap it."

     "Yes mom!"

     With that, I shove my phone back into my pocket, grab my coffee and head towards the door. Before exiting, an event bulletin board catches my eye. There are postings for businesses and activities to do around the area.

     One in particular peaks my interest. I rip off the contact information at the bottom of the flyer for a self-defense class. It certainly can't hurt to learn some basic techniques due to the night I had last night. I mean, I can't deny that I've been in my fair share of altercations where hands were being thrown, but I figure learning the actual technicalities behind the skill can only benefit me in the long run. 

     I skim over some of the other postings and make a mental note for things I can do with Lily, prior to heading out of the café and deciding to give myself a proper tour of the city.