Entangled Heart: A Rival's Redemption

Chapter 7: Overreaching the Line

Emma.

It was not a romantic date. I told myself repeatedly, as though my belief would grow more strong the more times I repeated it. Still, it felt like old times sitting across from Liam at that little quiet eatery. Too much in line with earlier times. It was all too familiar, too easy—the low lighting, the quiet clinking of silverware, the subtle buzz of talk around us. And that scared me as well. "Are you going to eat, or simply keep experimenting with your food?” Liam's words sliced through my ideas, and I blinked, remembering I had been dragging my fork about my plate for the past few minutes. I raised my head to see once more that half-smile, the one that appeared to soften the rough edges of his face constantly. That smile was disarmed. I used to enjoy it and believe it indicated he was allowing me to see something real. Now, however. Now it only made me realize how much I had missed. "Sorry," I said, pushing myself to grab a taste of the pasta right front. Though I wasn't especially hungry, I needed something to occupy my hands. Anything to divert me from his focused weight. Leaning back in his chair, Liam studied me with such intensity that my skin started to prickle. You have been silent tonight. "I had a long day," I answered, hoping that would be sufficient to cut off the topic. Of course, however, it was not. Liam never allowed things to slide that readily. "I'm not talking about work," he added, his voice low, calm. You have been silent with me. I sucked hard, my pulse racing. I ought to have seen this approaching. For weeks now, we had been circling each other, each chat teetering on the brink of something more perilous, something deeper. Now Liam seemed to be finished with the dance. "You've been distant," he said, his eyes fixed un altering. " EVER since we decided to...try. You have been deserting. Though it seemed like I was stepping into a trap, I made myself meet his gaze. I said softly, not withdrawing. "I'm simply being cautious.". "Careful," he said, his voice slanted with something I couldn't quite identify. "Right. Since God forbids you let me in. I winced; the words pierced more deeply than I would have wanted to confess. That is unfair. Leaning forward and staring directly at me, he said, "Isn't it?" You say you are giving me a chance, but you are not. Not particularly. Emma, you still treat me at arm's length. You remain terrified. My heart hammered in my chest, a mixture of terror and resentment surging inside me. I was certainly terrified. After all that had gone between us, how could I not be? After the manner he had left behind without thinking twice? "You don't get to tell me how I feel," I responded, my voice more pointed than I had wanted. With a softer tone, Liam said, "I'm not trying to tell you how to feel." "Emma, I simply want to know whether this is real. If you truly want to try. My chest tight with a mix of feelings I couldn't separate, I stared at him. I decided to try. I wanted to think we could move past the hurt and the treachery and make this work. But part of me—the part he had broken once before—was afraid he would ruin me if I let him back in. I murmured, my voice trembling, "I don't know." "I'm not sure whether I can do this." Liam's face softened, and for a second I sensed something raw, vulnerable in his gaze. "I am not asking you to have all the answers right now. I simply ask for an opportunity. a true opportunity. My throat tight, I dropped down to examine my hands. I wanted to allow him that opportunity and let myself hope that perhaps this time would be different. Still, the anxiety lingered under the surface, reminding me of everything I stood to lose. I muttered, "I'm trying." But I need time. Liam nodded, his eyes clearly understanding. "Take all the time required here. I have nowhere to go. ---------------------- The journey back to my flat was peaceful; the tension between us hung like a storm just about to strike. I had agreed when Liam volunteered to drive me home; now, I was unsure why. I had no idea how to negotiate the weighty quiet between us, full of unsaid words. I unbuckled my seat belt and grabbed for the door handle when we drove up before my building, but Liam's voice stopped me before I could open it. "Emma," Heart thumping in my chest, I turned to face him. His face was austere, his eyes darting about mine. "I meant what I said earlier," he added quietly. I am not going to give up on us. Not in this instance. I sucked hard, his words weighing down on me. I wanted to believe him, to hope that things may change. Still too terrified to take that jump, though, was the other side of me—the side damaged before. "I know," I said in a whisper. "I simply need time.". Liam nodded, but his eyes clearly showed disappointment. Though I knew it would be difficult for him, he was attempting patience. For both of us it was challenging. I opened the door, got out of the car, turned back to see him one more last time before I closed it. "Goodnight, Liam," I whispered gently. Goodnight, Emma, he said, his voice hardly audible. My chest tight with a mix of feelings I could not sort, I closed the door and watched him drive away. I wanted to believe we could move past the hurt and the treachery and make this work. I wasn't sure though whether I was ready to welcome him back in. Not now. --------------------– I woke up the following morning thinking I hadn't slept at all. My head had been racing all night, going back over every exchange with Liam, every instance in which I had let my guard go just a bit too much. I couldn't continue this. Walking this tightrope between optimism and dread, between the past and the present, was difficult. One has to make a choice. I either was going to walk away permanently or I was going to give Liam a true shot. But given I had no idea what I wanted anymore, how could I make that decision? Wandering through the motions but not really paying attention to anything, I spent the day at work in fog. Naturally Liam was there, but we hardly spoke. Now, there was an unsaid awareness between us: he was allowing me time, but the clock was running out. He was not going to spend eternity waiting. Physically and mentally, I was tired by the time I left the workplace. I wanted neither to sit by myself with my thoughts nor to go home. Rather, I discovered myself mindlessly meandering across the city, the cool evening air stroking my skin as I went. Though I had no idea where I was heading, my feet appeared to have a mind of their own and guided me across the streets until I came to stand before a familiar brownstone. Jenna's habitat. Not sure whether I should disturb her, I stopped momentarily. Then the door flung open, and there she was, standing on the threshold grinning knowingly. "I felt you would show up," she replied, moving aside to let me in. Grateful for the coziness of her abode and the solace of her company, I grumbled faintly and entered. Even when I wanted to ignore it, Jenna had always been my rock—the one person I could rely on to give me the truth. She said, sinking down on the couch and patting the area next her. "Let's discuss Liam here." I moaned and collapsed onto the couch next her. "Does we have to?" Jenna arched a brow. Sure. You have been stewing about him for weeks now; I believe it is time you pay attention to the music. I groaned and leaned back on the pillows. " Jen, I have no idea what to do. I go back and forth between wanting to give him a chance and fearing he will just harm me once more. Jenna nodded with a deliberate look. "That makes logical. But Em, you are not the same person you were years ago. Right now you are more powerful. And should Liam indeed have changed, perhaps this time will be different. My chest tense with doubt, I stared at her. "But what if it's not??" Jenna grabbed out and grasped my hand, her eyes full of sympathy. "Your won't know unless you try." I closed my eyes so her words may sink in. She was right, naturally. Until I ventured, I would not know. But accepting that risk meant exposing myself to the likelihood of recurrence, and I wasn't sure I was ready for that. ---------------------— Later that evening, Jenna's words kept coming back to me as I laid in bed staring up the ceiling. Until I experimented, I would not know. Perhaps it was time to call off running. Perhaps it was time to leap and observe where it landed. Perhaps also, just maybe, it would result in something worth battling for.