The Rockstar's Redemption

8. What are you afraid of, Reid?

8. What are you afraid of, Reid?

I walk silently toward the hospital exit while Jason chatters about something I have no idea about. My mind is elsewhere: on Reid. Since the “almost-kiss attempt”—because it wasn’t even really an “almost kiss”—Reid has been more distant, leaving me outside. And it’s not like he ever let me fully in before, but now he seems even farther away.

I’ve thought about it and come to the inevitable conclusion: I like Reid Colleman. In the past few months, I’ve grown used to his quiet presence. I like waking up to his arms holding me, I like having his scent in my bed, I like hearing the shower running while he bathes and I make breakfast, I like feeling him there at every meal, I like having him beside me while we watch The Big Bang Theory (even if he doesn’t laugh at my beloved Sheldon), I like knowing someone’s waiting for me at home, I like having him at home. I like his few words and the mystery in his gaze, even if it drives me crazy. I like how he’s never smiled with his lips, only with his eyes. I like his presence and what it makes me feel. Somehow, every time I think of him, a sense of security accompanies me. I feel safe with him, almost protected.

But I’m not stupid. I know that letting my feelings for him go beyond that would break my heart. So I don’t react when he distances himself, nor do I argue with the walls he’s built to keep me out. Somehow, I think he’s doing me a favor.

What I do for him, I’d do for anyone. It’s who I am. If someone needs help, there’s Willa. That’s why I became a nurse, that’s why I love being one. That doesn’t mean I’m unaware that I deserve more than the little I know about his situation. He keeps me in the dark, and I have no idea what’s really going on. I know I need to talk to him; I deserve to know what happened with the attack, and I promise myself I’ll do it as soon as possible.

And that’s when I’m lost in thoughts about our situation that I see Reid outside the hospital, waiting for me. Though it’s already past midnight and he usually accompanies me when I have to work this late, I wasn’t sure that after the “almost-kiss attempt,” he’d still do it.

I walk toward him with hesitant steps, staring at him. His jaw tenses, and he abruptly looks away when he notices my uncertainty, as if it angers him. I stop in front of his rigid figure, hands tucked into my coat, while he keeps his face turned, highlighting even more the tension in his jaw. If he clearly doesn’t want me close, why is he here?

I swallow and also look away just as Jason speaks:

“Hi, Ben.”

I don’t look at him, but I know Reid only gave the tiniest nod, as he always does. Jason seems to notice the tension between us, so he stares at us silently.

After they met for the first time, Jason had only rarely asked about my supposed cousin and his resemblance to the famous rock star Reid Colleman. Yet he never gave any indication that he actually thought it was him—not when videos of Reid performing on his latest tour dominate the celebrity news daily, a tour that’s been a huge success. And now, with his new haircut and obvious change, I doubt Jase will bring it up again.

When the silence stretches longer than usual between the three of us, I feel the need to break it:

“Wow, it’s cold!”

Two pairs of eyes look at me, some amused, others unreadable. Of course, Reid’s are the latter.

“Here,” Jase takes off the wool scarf I knitted for him and delicately wraps it around my neck.

“No need,” I whisper, but I don’t stop him from putting it on. I can’t move, not when I feel Reid’s intense gaze on me.

“Of course it’s necessary, but bring it back tomorrow—it’s my gift,” he says, playfully touching the tip of my nose, just like he’s done since we were kids.

I smile at the familiar gesture, unable to help it. But that smile dies when I meet Reid’s icy eyes. I shiver, but not from the night’s cold.

“I was wondering, Jason, are you free this weekend?”

Everything freezes for a moment, especially Jason and me. It’s the first time Reid speaks to Jase, and my best friend looks as surprised as I am. Reid has never been particularly friendly with Jason; in fact, sometimes he’s not even kind to me, so I understand Jase’s confused stammer when he asks:

“W-what?”

“Willa’s eager to go to the movies. I promised I’d take her this Saturday, but something came up. Since you two seem to be friends, why don’t you go together?”

I blink once, then again, and finally a third time.

What is he doing?

I stare at him, completely silent and shocked. Reid looks at Jason in an almost humiliating way; he’s always looked at him like he’s nothing compared to him. And now, while arranging a date for him with me, his gaze is even more insulting. Of course, Jason doesn’t notice.

Angrily, I prepare to confront his audacity.

“Of course I’ll go with you, Willa!” Jason says happily, but I don’t look at him. My eyes are on Reid, and in fact, his are on mine, returning the cold stare I’m giving him.

Unaware, Jase starts planning out our Saturday aloud, giving me no chance to respond. In the end, when he finishes, he asks:

“Does that work for you, Willa?”

I shake my head, unsure if it’s affirmation or negation, but Jason definitely interprets it as a yes.

“Perfect, Willa, it’s a date.”

I turn away from Reid and look at Jason, surprised when he leans in and kisses my cheek goodbye. Seeing him walk away with that sparkle in his eyes churns my stomach. I can’t believe Reid did that. I can’t believe his audacity. I simply cannot believe it.

My anger flows so hot through my veins that it completely overrides the night’s cold. I yank the scarf from my neck and stuff it into my bag, marching home with determination. Reid soon matches my pace, walking beside me.

For the first time, I truly don’t want his presence.

It took me so long to redraw the boundaries of the friendship Jason and I once blurred. Reid had no right to destroy, in an instant, what I’ve been trying to rebuild for months. He simply had no right.

So when we finally enter the house, I can’t hold it in. I try, but I can’t. This pressure in my chest needs release.

“Why did you do that?” I ask, spinning around to face him.

Reid looks at me, brows furrowed, as if confused.

“What do you mean, ‘that’ exactly?”

“You set up a date with Jason. Why?”

“Why not?” He crosses his arms, with a seriousness that irritates me to the core. I don’t think I can imagine how much his stance annoys, enrages, and even hurts me. I want to hit him, I want to scream at him… I just want him to leave me alone. Truly, I want him to leave me alone.

“Why do you think you can interfere in my life like this? Who do you think you are?” I take a step forward, ignoring how tense he becomes at my proximity. “Don’t pretend you know me, Reid, because you don’t.”

He only looks away with that gesture of his that I’ve learned he always does when he’s upset. But I’m not intimidated; I continue:

“Don’t think for a second that you know what’s best for me. You… know nothing.”

I stand there, waiting for some sign from him: to speak, to apologize, to try to explain… anything. But he doesn’t. He only shows that cutting indifference that crushes me in a way that hurts more than it should. I grit back the silly tears threatening to escape, hiding them before he can see. I take several deep breaths, trying to control the explosion of emotions boiling inside me.

Still, a small, almost involuntary laugh escapes my lips as I turn my face away. I can’t believe how, with such cynical and almost arrogant ease, he believes he can decide for me, run my life as if it were his. And that… that makes me furious and hurts at the same time.

“I don’t want you picking me up from work again, I don’t even understand why you do it. Just… stay away from me, damn it.”

We both shiver at the sharp force of my curse; neither of us is used to the word leaving my mouth, testing just how close to the edge I am.

I look at him one last time before turning away. The disappointment I feel in his actions is overwhelming, and I can’t stand having him near. Reid is cold and indifferent; no matter how hard I try to keep our relationship peaceful, evidently any bond I thought we were forming was only on my side. Caring about someone doesn’t mean the feeling is mutual.

“You’re overreacting,” he says suddenly.

Against my better judgment, I stop, still expecting a reaction. He says nothing more, so I turn to look at him in disbelief. If he were my friend, if he felt even a shred of gratitude for how much I care about him, he’d think of me before acting. He wouldn’t steamroll over my feelings, forcing me to be with Jason when I don’t want to, making me relive something that hurt me once, something I struggle daily to keep buried.

“If I wanted a date with Jason, I would’ve asked him myself. I’m capable, I’m independent, I get what I want on my own. Don’t treat me like an incompetent. You’re not my matchmaker… you’re nothing of mine.”

Suddenly, his eyes flare with a sudden anger.

“It’s good that you’re clear that you and I are nothing, Willa.”

“After today, it’s crystal clear; nothing for you to worry about.”

“Really? Then why do your eyes say otherwise?”

How dare he?

I look away, not letting him see how much he’s hurting me, how humiliated I feel from how he’s exposing my feelings. He knows I’m developing feelings for him and he’s throwing them back in my face carelessly, as if they mean nothing.

“What are you worried about?” I cross my arms under my chest, clenching my fists, focusing on that feeling to push away the sting in my eyes. He doesn’t respond, and still I continue. I won’t back down; today we’ll make things clear—“What are you afraid of, Reid? What scares you so much? That I’ll fall in love with you?”

We both turn our faces at the same time, meeting furious eyes.

He takes a step forward, body tense. I stand there, not backing away.

“Willa,” he says, as if warning me we’re treading dangerous ground.

“You’re too arrogant, thinking this is about you. What? You think I feel hurt because you’re pushing me into someone else’s arms? You think stupid Willa’s already fallen for you?” I ask, each question making him more tense. “You’re wrong. This has nothing to do with you.”

“Are you sure about that?”

Fucking arrogant.

I wonder how foolish and transparent I’ve been with him, caring about him, for him to think he has me in the palm of his hand.

How ridiculous have I made myself in front of him?

I push the humiliation aside and focus on answering his question, because yes, I have feelings for him—but this isn’t about him.

“Believe it or not, this is only about Jason and me, something that doesn’t concern you, yet you got involved without any right to.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Jason and I have history!” I almost shout, furious, unable to control myself—“We were in a relationship where neither of us came out unscathed. I’ve tried, day by day, to go back to what we were, so you had no right to do what you did, practically forcing me to relive something that still has consequences today.”

I catch the moment his eyes show surprise, maybe even anger.

“You dated Jason?”

I don’t answer, just glare at him, pressing my lips together to keep from cursing at his face. He grabs my forearm, gently pushing me toward him, almost making me bump into his chest. My body trembles from the rage I feel, and I growl when his breath brushes my face, his harsh voice whispering:

“Tell me.”

But I don’t.

“Tell me, Willa,” he commands slowly, searching intensely in my eyes.

“f**k you.”

My words hit him, but they seem enough for him to understand.

“Jason hurt you.”

I shake off his words, trying to pull free from his hold, preventing him from seeing anything more inside me. He pulls me firmly to his body, his hand on my arm guiding me.

“Let go of me, Reid.”

He does immediately: releases me as soon as I ask, but doesn’t step back. Nor does he stop asking questions.

“Answer me—what did he do?”

I place my hands on his chest; his eyes drop there, but our contact doesn’t last long because I only touch him to push him away.

Just to push him away.

“The only thing you need to know is that Jason and I aren’t going to go back to that, no matter how desperately you want it.”

I try to move away, but Reid doesn’t let me. Silently, he steps toward me, forcing me to back up until I’m pinned against the wall, both hands braced on either side of my face. I look at his arms, one then the other, then at him, signaling he needs to step back. He doesn’t. Reid tilts his head, bringing our faces close enough to breathe the same air. Yet, despite the proximity, we don’t touch anywhere.

His dark eyes show anger and frustration I don’t understand.

“You and I would be a bigger mistake than you and him, Willa.”

And there they are—the words that, without even being spoken, have been there since the start of our argument.

Our eyes search each other… for what? I don’t know, but they search for something. Something I don’t understand, and I’m sure he doesn’t either, but we search. I remain still under the prison of his arms, and he there, desperately needing my acceptance of his words. This time, with him so close, I can’t hold back the tears.

Reid steps back when the only tear slides down my cheek. The anger in his dark eyes seems to intensify to a level I haven’t seen before, though I’m not sure who it’s directed at.

I open my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing comes out. I close my eyes, trying to organize my thoughts, to clarify my emotions, to banish feelings I cannot allow myself.

And finally, I nod, granting him his wish.

As if our conversation never happened, we step apart at the same time and go in opposite directions inside the house, ignoring each other.

It’s the first night in weeks we don’t sleep together. I sleep in the bed, and he sleeps on the sofa.

And it’s the first time Reid Colleman has made me cry.

Something tells me it won’t be the last.