Forsaken Love

Chapter 18

The following day, Jim rode a lift to the top of Mt. Pilatus in Switzerland. The ride took 30 minutes, and though Kieran accompanied him, neither spoke very much. Instead, Jim focused on sightseeing. Snow-capped towns and icy lakes scattered around the mountain. He looked out toward the horizon, gazing at endless snowy hills. His elevated height granted him sight of miles of land. About halfway up the mountain, he noticed a small isolated church.

“I can’t imagine that gets used very often,” Jim told his single lift companion, Kiernan, “all the way up here.”

“Makes you wonder for sure,” he nodded in agreement. After a mild pause in the conversation, Kiernan spoke again. “We are only halfway there and I’m already cold. I can’t imagine what the weather will be like at the top.”

Jim looked up as Kiernan spoke. He could make out a round dome-like structure near the end of the lift cable. “Considering you are used to 80 degree temperatures, or whatever the equivalent is in Celsius, just about anywhere we visit will be freezing this time of year.”

But when they reached the top, and Jim and Kiernan exited the heated domed structure the lift carried them to, a surprising warmth welcomed him. Jim removed three of his layers, keeping only one on. Carrying his now spare clothing with him, he explored the summit.

A few of the Australians had already begun work on crafting snowmen by the time Jim left the dome building. Though mostly fenced in to prevent wanderers and to guarantee safety, they found plenty of space and flat land to complete such a task.  Inexperienced in that art form himself, Jim observed for a few minutes, but never bothered to offer assistance. But he too did not see snow everyday, and did not want this opportunity to go to waste. So instead, Jim created a snow angel. He found it much quicker than building a snowman and, at least Jim assumed, nearly just as fun, allowing him to spend more time on the purpose of the journey, to admire the view.

But he caught several distractions in the process. Mainly, Evelyn’s engagement. His relationship with her remained his strongest he ever developed, so strong that he rarely felt the need to branch out to others. That’s what he told himself at least. Hearing about her engagement brought Jim a realization: that he has wasted his entire life hoping his best friend would notice his feelings for her, too scared himself to admit them. Jim needed a catalyst, and her engagement gave him one. He considered two options. Now that she seemed further away, he could return home, and seize one final opportunity to take their relationship to the next level, or he could brave the discomfort and finally seek out someone else. And though he had countless candidates to choose traveling with him, one immediately came to his mind.  

He caught sight of Bailey in the distance, climbing up a winding staircase to what looked like an observation deck. He found the deck an interesting place for a small windmill, whether it served as a decoration or not. He rushed over to the staircase himself, walking alongside her. 

“I’ve never seen anything more beautiful,” he said to her.

“Thanks, Jim, but I think this mountain has me beat,” she replied. 

Jim flinched before stuttering a response. “I meant the mountain.”

Bailey just beamed at him. “It is, isn’t it? So many people never even leave their hometowns. They never experience the beauty of the world or the value of it. In my opinion, those people never truly live. I feel like I’ve lived more in the past few weeks than I have in my entire life. You know what I mean?”

“I do, perhaps too well.” Though he understood sharing personal information helped strengthen bonds, he also knew the risks of doing so too early. Thus he considered several replies to her comment. Not wanting it to look as if he just stood there, he held up his camera, snapping shots at numerous sights at various angles, capturing his favorite moments and memories from the trip. By the time he returned his focus to the conversation, Bailey had already left. Jim wandered to another side of the deck, leading him past the windmill. His eyes lingered toward the snowmen on the lower level, impressed by its nearly completed state, before continuing to take more pictures. 

“Jim!” Bailey yelled. 

He turned around to find a crowd of topless girls lined up at the edge facing outward.

“Get out of here, p*****t!” Another yelled. 

Jim found himself unresponsive as, in an instant, his companions turned against him. He stood still as he tried to comprehend what just happened, and why. He only wanted to enjoy the sights. He intended no harm. How was he supposed to know there would be topless girls? Then he remembered an important detail. He retreated to the bottom level to find someone not yet aware of the event that just transpired. 

“Kiernan!” 

The Asian-Australian turned around. 

“Do you remember the dare that was given to a few of the girls?”

“To stand at the top of this mountain topless? Yeah. Why do you ask?”

He sighed. “Just wondering.” He decided not to discuss it any further. He couldn’t change what happened. He did not feel confident that he’d be able to explain what really happened, or that they’d even listen if he did. He thought it best to just accept that it happened, and try to make it through a few more days with people who now hated him. 

Jim retreated to isolation, losing his adventurous spirit. When given the option to ride the lift back down to the bottom, or sledge down the hill, he chose the former. On any other day, he would have gladly taken the hour long slide down the extensive hill, but now he just wanted to go home. He knew the next couple days would just lead to angry glares from many of his female companions. He believed the only way he’d find any amount of joy in the remaining days of the tour involved continuing alone as often as he could. But on the following day, he discovered a second, more favorable option, until he somehow screwed everything up with them as well, as he imagined happening. He relied on the presence of the remaining few who were either unaware of the events or believed there to be a misunderstanding. He spent the final days in the company of Bella and a few others.

“You seem off today, Jim,” she announced on a gorgeously lit bridge in downtown Lucerne the following evening. “You’re usually active and bright, but you seem down today. What’s up?”

To his surprise, Jim caught himself smiling. He regained a spark of hope. ‘This is what I wanted, what I missed,’ Jim thought. ‘Someone one who can recognize my moods without asking. Someone who can tell the difference between normal and irregular behavior. Someone who truly understands me, and doesn’t just know me. Someone like Evelyn.’ He shrugged, not quite sure how to respond to Bella. And though Bella gave Jim the opportunity to reveal his inner thoughts and struggles, Jim’s lack of social expertise made him question the appropriateness of any such comment. “I just had a bad day yesterday and I’m still trying to recover,” he said after some time. 

“Why? What happened?” Luke asked. 

“I’d rather not say. You shouldn’t worry about me. We only have a day left on this trip.” 

“We want to help so you can enjoy your last day also,” Luke replied back. 

“Thanks but I’m not even sure I’d be able to describe it to you.” Jim unintentionally slowed his pace. Bella stayed with him while the others continued walking across the bridge. 

“We really do care about you, Jim,” she told him. “I know that may sound strange to say to someone you have only known for a few weeks, but it’s true.” She wrapped an arm around his neck. “And I think I understand what you are going through. I heard about what happened yesterday, and I know you didn’t mean to. I’ve been watching you for awhile Jim, and I don’t believe you even noticed them there. You’ve been… distracted, haven’t you? I’ve noticed something different with you ever since your friend got engaged.”

Jim perked up at her comment.

“If I may ask, why haven’t you said anything to her before?”

Jim hesitated to answer, first needing to convince himself of both the answer and the necessity to provide the information. “I’ve known her since childhood. She is one of the few friends I have ever had. She has never hinted at wanting anything more than just being friends though, and I can’t afford to lose her so I never mentioned it.”

Bella stopped moving, and Jim felt compelled to copy her. “And now you may never have the opportunity too. And you’re afraid you might end up losing her anyway. Do I have that right?”

Jim nodded. “I imagine things, futures mostly. I create stories in my mind about reality and the people I meet. I imagine what kind of relationship I’ll have with them years or even decades from now. And sometimes those stories steal my full concentration.”

“My cousin is similar. He is distracted a lot and doesn’t pay attention to his actions. I just thought you should know that. I know what you are going through.” She paused, looking at their companions now quite a distance away. “My advice? Find someone else. She can’t give you what you want. Not anymore. You won’t be satisfied, knowing that she could have been happy with someone else.” 

“Perhaps you’re right,” Jim admitted. “But she’s always been there in all of my imagined futures. That has to mean something, doesn’t it?”

“Find someone else, Jim,” Bella repeated.

Jim sighed, before looking up Bella, an idea forming. “Someone like you?” 

Bella’s expression never shifted. “No. Someone not already in a relationship.”

“Right, of course,’ Jim said.

“Come on. Let’s catch up to the rest.” Bella resumed walking. Before reaching them, however, she gave a few last words of comfort. “And Jim, even though we are parting ways tomorrow, that doesn’t mean our friendship has to. If you ever find yourself in Australia, let me know.” 

“I appreciate it,” Jim replied.