Forsaken Love

Chapter 14

The last day of school ended the same way Jim’s first day started, in the bandroom. But this time he waited by himself, with no director to greet him, and all his now former bandmates long gone home. He stood just outside the director’s office, staring at the display of winners of the Louis Armstrong Jazz Award. A name had been added since the last time he inspected it. He rubbed a finger on the newest imprinted plaque. Despite witnessing the reveal of this year’s winner, he saw his own name. And then he saw nothing, his tears blurring his vision. 

Memories flashed in his mind, memories of the band: the constant glares and blame from the others whenever he made a mistake, the lack of support he received, and the immense stress. He endured all of that, for nothing. 

“This was all I had, all I was good at,” Jim told himself. “And still it wasn’t enough.” He closed his eyes, cursing to himself. “Whatever am I supposed to do now?” Jim had not kept track of time during his reflection of regret and sorrow. He did not know how long it took him to open his eyes again. Nor did he open them of his own accord. 

“Are you okay, Jim?” another student, Phil, asked. “You’ve been in here awhile.”

“I’m fine. Just thinking.” 

“Okay then.” Phil stood in the doorway, staring at Jim though not saying another word.  Jim could tell he considered speaking more on the matter, but Phil’s eventual departure brought Jim comfort.  

Jim checked the clock. Even though he believed he had a good reason to stay at school so late, he hadn’t meant to stay longer than 10 minutes. Yet somehow, he left twenty minutes later. Deciding it best to finally leave, and no longer torment himself with his failures, Jim grabbed his belongings and walked out of the music room. He took one final glance before leaving the school building. But he did not want to go home yet either.

“I thought I’d find you here,” the voice of Evelyn freed him from his thoughts. 

Jim had spread himself across a blanket, a paper bag barely gripped in his hand and a half-empty bottle secured in his other. He stared at the sky, with both eyes wide open, at nothing in particular. “How did you know where to look?” he asked back without shifting his attention.

“It’s the highest hill in the city,” Evelyn answered, “with the greatest view.”

“You know me too well,” Jim softly commented. 

Evelyn sat down next to him. “Which is how I knew something was wrong when you never came home.” She supported herself with both of her hands pressed against the ground behind her. “You want to tell me what that is?”

At first, Jim did not say anything. He did not need to think of the words to say, and he felt more than comfortable to share his thoughts with Evelyn. In fact, he wanted Evelyn to find him on this hill. He had every intention to speak with her. Yet when the time came, he found himself unwilling to. With great effort, he convinced himself to at least say something. “Do you remember, when we were younger, we asked ourselves what we wanted to be when we grew up? I don’t know if it’s because I thought I was going to be young forever, or therefore never even considered my future, but I could not give even a single answer. Sure, I had few interests back then. But I think I also just wanted to make the present the best it could be, and I could not do that if I worried about the future. But you wanted to do it all. Do you remember?” 

“Of course,” Evelyn answered. “You know neither of my parents went to college. Neither of them knew what they wanted to do with their lives so they never put in the effort. They manage of course, but they have regrets. It is why they push me so hard when it comes to education and why I always try everything, in school and in life. The more I try, the more opportunities I find. I make more friends. More schools accept my applications. I never want to make a decision until I have explored every option. What if I had focused on just soccer, instead of giving it up after a few years? I never would have discovered that I excel at volleyball. And just look at what volleyball has done for me.” Evelyn shifted her body to rest a hand on Jim’s leg. “What is this about, Jim?”

Jim sighed, replying hesitantly. “I think I was wrong. About not worrying about the future. I should have considered more avenues, instead I focused on just one. But it turns out that I wasted all that effort for nothing.” 

Evelyn does not respond immediately. “Is this about the Jazz Band? Come on, you can’t do this yourself. So you didn’t win the award. It’s not the end of the world. You still did a phenomenal job, despite all the stress, and every one in that group will agree.”

“No, they won’t,” he snapped. “It is not just another award, Evelyn. It is an award that is traditionally given to the seniors, and I was the only senior. I played so poorly that they broke tradition and awarded someone else. Music was all that I had, and even that proved not enough.”

“Jim,” Evelyn responded sorrowfully. “I’m sorry you feel this way but-,” she interrupted herself. “Not enough for what?”

“Excuse me?” 

“You said Jazz Band proved not enough,” Evelyn clarified. “What did you mean?”

“I know the others blamed me alot and stressed me out, but I kept with it because the band kept receiving all these wonderful opportunities and trips, and it made me think that something was working. After all, I sort of led the band, didn’t I? As the drummer? I hoped someone would finally acknowledge me so I wouldn’t seem completely useless.”

“You aren’t useless to me, Jim,” Evelyn promised. “You never will be.”

“That’s the problem, isn’t it?” Jim argued. “You are all I have, the only person outside of my family that cares about me. What am I going to do when you leave, huh? When you go off to college? Who will I have then?”

“That’s not fair,” Evelyn answered sharply. “I can’t always live my life around your needs, Jim. I have my own to consider. You understand that, don’t you? Don’t you want me to be happy?” 

Jim nearly answered her question before realizing the implications of her words. “Are you saying that you can’t be happy with me?” 

Evelyn abruptly stood up. “Are you serious right now? What kind of question is that? Of course I’m happy with you, Jim. You’re my best friend. But you and I have different ambitions. Neither of us will ever truly be happy until we meet those ambitions, no matter what companions we choose. We have to part ways if we want to do that. Think of it this way. We know who Jim and Evelyn are, together. But we don’t know who Jim Hughes and Evelyn Collins are, as individuals. You are concerned about not finding recognition or whatever, and that’s because you do not know what you are capable of. You have relied on me to help you, and I have done the same. Trust me, going to college will be helpful for the both of us.”

Jim sat there wide-eyed, staring at Evelyn. He had never considered her point before. And while he believed her right, he did not want to admit it. The truth scared him too much. The thought of her leaving, despite it the right thing to do, scared him. 

“Come on,” Evelyn held out her hand to him.

“Where are we going?” 

“I’m going away, so I think you should too. We are going to book you a flight to Europe. They say traveling the world helps one discover who they truly are. And that is something you need right now.”