Instinctual

Chapter 14

Declan had followed Clarissa and Rob to the edge of his territory, as he’d promised he would… but then he’d just started to run. He needed to burn energy like he needed to burn away memories.  Everyone said that being an Alpha was hard, but they never explained just how much it would hurt to go through turmoil like this.

Liz would set up the fine details about the Tomlin pack later, knowing that even if Clarissa and Rob had left just now with only the clothes on their back (‘More than they gave Marcus, by the end,’ something vicious in Declan’s head snarled), the Omega would be able to find an internet café and check her email.  Rob was also almost never without his cell-phone, so it had probably transformed with him, so some brief, formal text-messages could suffice, too. There was a very large part of Declan, right now, that wanted to just let Clarissa suffer as a lone, pack-less Omega, but another part of him remembered Marcus coming up and grabbing his shoulder with a determined hand, wanting mercy for those who had wronged him.

How could someone like that possibly be blamed for murder?

Declan ran until he was exhausted, and then walked back home, his Werewolf body resiliently slowing down and recovering so that he was barely panting by the time he pawed open the door and slipped in.  Seeing Marcus there, alone in the kitchen with the remains of pizza, had been a surprise, albeit one Declan wasn’t quite prepared to think deeply on.  The Alpha was distracted by the pain of Clarissa and Rob’s severed links, which sat like twin physical wounds in his chest, aching pains that had barely ebbed since the moment he’d banished the two Werewolves.  It had been… surreal… horrifying… terrible to feel his teeth come down on Clarissa and Rob’s throats and yet sever something deeper as if he’d sheared right through something vital and precious. It had been all he could do to hold himself together in the moments following, and only Liz’s humor, Marcus’s endearing embarrassment, Kobi’s stalwart dependability, and his own pumping adrenalin had kept Declan from breaking on the inside. 

Adrenalin had kept the pain at bay for the first while, then the flood of endorphins from running had done the same until he’d lost the energy to run. Now he’d come back home to find Marcus curled up like a quiet, lonely sentinel in the kitchen. The pain and sadness were already starting to descend again, making it feel like Declan’s heart was bleeding in every way it could, but moments after, Marcus’s attention turned to him and the Alpha felt something brush like soothing, chill water across his mind. It was tentative at first, but after Marcus quietly and efficiently served Declan up some slices of pizza, it became more pronounced.  It didn’t take a genius to put two-and-two together and realize that Marcus was reaching out as only an Omega could, his touch subtle but not secretive. After finding out just how manipulative and secretive his aunt had been, Declan felt only relief at Marcus’s more guileless attempts, and had soaked in the calmness like a dry sponge.

The night had fully descended upon the house now, and Declan reached up a hand to rub at the base of his breastbone, feeling an ache there that he’d hoped to never feel in his lifetime.  Banishment was something that all new Alphas were lectured about, but there was no way to physically teach them what the repercussions felt like – and now that Marcus was asleep in Kobi’s room (Kobi easily giving it up in favor of sharing Liz’s), Declan didn’t have that feeling of Omega calm to distract him from the fact that severed links hurt like blazes. 

Since he was unlikely to get any sleep anytime soon, the blond-haired young man tried to distract himself, thinking of more positive things that he could actually change.  Declan still had Marcus’s remaining possessions, tucked away in his closet at the moment.  The day had been too hectic to properly give them back, even if Declan was looking forward to the look on Marcus’s face with a ridiculous level of anticipation. Not only did the young Omega deserve his things back, but he deserved…

Declan was distracted by just what he thought Marcus Rushton deserved by the sound of footsteps in the hall.  Ears metaphorically perking up, Declan focused, bringing up some of the heightened senses that he always had as a wolf, but usually toned down as a human – if only so he didn’t have to listen to every little noise that Liz and Kobi made whenever they decided to spend some quality time with one another. Declan was just beginning to truly realize what a nightmare it must be to have no choice in the matter, like with Marcus every time his senses went haywire, when Declan realized that he was hearing Marcus – in fact, at that moment, his doorknob turned and pivoted inwards.

“Marc-?” Declan started to say, sitting up and tensing.  He froze and fell silent immediately, however, as the smaller young man made a gutted noise, just inside the door now, and lifted his hands to press them against his ears.  Declan realized that what he’d just been pondering – Marcus’s malfunctioning sense of hearing – was actually happening. Before going to bed, he’d briefly talked via telepathy with Liz, learning that the Omega had had an episode while Declan had been out, but now it was shocking to realize that he was having another one.  Unsure what to do, but not wanting to make things worse, Declan bit his lip to keep quiet even as Marcus stumbled a little further in and closed the door behind him.

Standing hunched with his hands still pressed almost painfully hard to his ears, Marcus was breathing with the sort of shaky, shallow care that came from being unable to stand the sound of his own inhale and exhale. “Please…” Marcus whined, and the sound seemed to be punched out of him, a canine whine adding a second, higher pitch to the word.  Declan remembered thinking earlier, back at the little shack, that there was something feral about Marcus, and it showed through now as he whimpered, “Please… please, it’s better around you.  Around an Alpha.” Marcus flinched and ducked his head, but not before Declan caught the rictus of pain that Marcus’s features had become. “My hearing… god, it hurts…!”

Marcus was swaying where he stood like someone being assaulted from all angles, and suddenly Declan was afraid that he was going to actually pass out. “Marcus,” he whispered, keeping his voice as soft as he could, but even then, tortured blue eyes snapped up to him with another canine whine.  Even knowing that Marcus’s hearing had been ratcheted up to the highest notch, Declan was surprised that the Omega heard him so keenly. 

Eyes agonized and wild, Marcus briefly bit his lip until Declan’s nose picked up the tangy scent of blood, but then the brown-haired young man mouthed in a soundless plea, “Please let me stay.”

Never would there be a moment when Declan could deny a simple request like that, regardless of whether it was from a pack-member or someone unattached like Marcus.  Expression worried and stunned, Declan merely lifted up the blankets to his left, wordlessly making the invitation clear.

Bent like some cowering, beaten thing, Marcus stumbled desperately forward, his bare feet nearly tripping on the carpet.  He hesitated a moment right at Declan’s bedside, eyes meeting for a moment – wide tawny ones to bloodshot, tear-wet blue eyes.  Then Marcus dropped his gaze, ashamed, and slid into bed to curl up in a tight ball.  Declan kept the blankets raised for a long moment, watching him, at a loss as to what to do. Tentatively he reached out a hand, afraid to touch lest he broke his unexpected bedmate somehow, although he finally laid a palm over one lean shoulder.  It was shaking and so tense that it may as well have been carved out of solid stone.

But at Declan’s touch, Marcus breathed out his first easy breath since he’d come in, and tears spilled down his cheeks.  “I’m sorry… I’m sorry,” the Omega panted, still in a hushed voice that resulted in flinching.  Moved by pity, Declan reached over again slowly and pried Marcus’s hands away from his ears. The Omega’s eyes flashed open, and he fought, but Declan merely eased down next to him and exerted a bit of his Alpha strength, so that in a moment they were both comfortable and still. Declan now had his hands cupped over Marcus’s sensitive ears, and by the Omega’s shocked expression, it was actually doing some good. Apparently Marcus hadn’t exaggerated when he’d said that there was something about Declan – about Alphas – that helped during break-downs like this. 

‘Thank you,’ Marcus mouthed, barely putting air past his lips as they moved.  He looked like something stretched almost to its breaking point, but now relaxing slowly, deliriously relieved not to have been cracked or broken. His hands hovered over Declan’s wrists, where they’d tried to break his hold for a few seconds before realizing that he wasn’t under threat.  Declan merely nodded, breathing a sigh of relief of his own as his impulsive plan worked.  He felt that he was stumbling around in the dark most of the time with Marcus, unsure what to do or how to act around him, but for once, Declan’s instincts had steered him in the right direction.

Surprisingly, he felt earplugs in Marcus’s ears, and realized that all of this was still hurting him despite that. The realization made him sick with sympathy, even as Marcus’s eyes fluttered closed.  His next breath came even easier, and even through Marcus’s soft nightshirt, Declan could see his tense frame relaxing slowly.

“Is it getting any better?” Declan dared to ask in a whisper.

The answer itself came in the fact that Marcus twitched but didn’t quite flinch, eyes shyly opening.  He nodded. Time stretched like warm taffy between them, and in a removed sort of way, Declan realized that the ache in his chest was easier to ignore when he had another task to focus on – such as helping Marcus through an episode.  There were a number of things that truly made Alphas feel alive, and most of those things revolved around protecting and defending.  A few others came from softer acts of doting on those of lower rank, and right now, Declan felt a lot like he was doing all of that, and it fulfilled something inside of him.  He shifted, getting a bit more comfortable, still keeping his hands easily on either side of Marcus’s head, fingers buried in straight, short, tousled brown hair that was just as soft as Marcus’s lupine coat. 

After a stretch that could have been nearly fifteen minutes, but felt like an eye-blink to Declan, Marcus shifted and gripped the Alpha’s wrists again. “O-Okay.  I think I’m a bit better now,” Marcus murmured, the low volume of his voice giving away that he wasn’t entirely over the fit yet, “I’ll just… go.  Thanks.” The words sounded so awkward that it was a miracle Marcus didn’t choke on them, and even as he refused to meet Declan’s eyes, that fickle telepathic link crackled to life to fill Declan with a burst of Marcus’s utter embarrassment and self-loathing, a pulse of humiliation that almost hurt more than the lingering ache of his still-sensitive ears.

Declan immediately firmed up his grip and dragged Marcus further into bed, much to the Omega’s surprise.  Feeling a bit of the bossiness that was apparently typical of Alphas everywhere (sometimes the stereotypes had merit), Declan forced Marcus to meet his eyes, and gave him a frank, sincere expression.  “Stay,” he said, before remembering that Marcus was vulnerable in multiple ways – the Omega’s muscles tightened up, and suddenly he started to look afraid as the simple word threatened to sink hooks of command into his skin.  Declan immediately rushed to add, “If you want.  You don’t have to… but I don’t mind, I swear.”  Deciding that he was far beyond the point of acting like an austere Alpha who had everything under control, Declan made a little embarrassed face and rolled his eyes, “Call it repaying a favor if you want.  I noticed that you calmed me down in the kitchen, and I appreciate it.”  Fear flickered for a moment longer in Marcus’s eyes, but then his gaze relaxed to mere wariness; his hands loosened a little until his fingertips were just fluttering against Declan’s wrists.  It made the larger Werewolf shiver. 

Wanting to press his point home while still avoiding the commands that Marcus was so sensitive to, Declan met Marcus’s gaze pointedly and said with all seriousness, “You’re not better yet, Marcus.  Now, look, I might not be your Alpha, so I can’t tell one-hundred percent when you’re lying, but it’s not that hard to tell right now. Not when you’re still flinching at everything above a whisper.” 

Marcus huffed a sigh and then – not surprisingly, but definitely ironically – flinched.  Still, he argued, “It’s not your job to do this, though.”

“It is as a caring human being.  I’m not all wolf, you know.  I’m part human, too.”

That seemed to catch the Omega off-guard, but now that he wasn’t in complete agony, he was being stubborn.  He changed tactics to argue from a different direction, “Seriously, though, don’t you want to actually sleep?  Alone? Without a stranger commandeering half your bed?”

“I’m pretty sure that you’re not taking up anywhere near half the bed,” Declan said with a slight, upward curl at one side of his mouth, “and I think that Liz and Kobi like you too much for you to be a stranger.” Even in the dark, Declan could tell that that last sentence was making Marcus blush – actually, he thought he could feel the heat of the flush against his hands and wrists where he still cradled Marcus’s head – and at that point, Declan knew that he’d secured victory for himself, “Come on, Marcus, we both want the same thing.”

“To not fall apart at the seams because the sounds of Liz and Kobi’s heartbeats sound like cannons going off in my head?”

The description was blunt enough to shock Declan, who began to truly realize the depth of Marcus’s torment.  Thoughts derailed, Declan removed his hands a bit without thinking, asking, “And mine doesn’t?”

Surprisingly, Marcus didn’t immediately try and bury his head or cover his own ears again, although he grimaced as if adjusting to something uncomfortable. He also made no attempt to leave the bed.  “Any noise you make feels like it’s got a layer of… I don’t now… water or cotton around it. It doesn’t hit as hard. Or else, whenever you’re close by, my ears gain a layer of cotton.”  Marcus reached up to gingerly finger the earplugs in his ears, which couldn’t be comfortable, and he held the protruding edge of one in his fingertips for a few long breaths.  His eyes, for a moment, showed his desire to remove them but his utter helplessness to do so. The torn, fragile expression tugged at Declan’s heart. 

“Stay with me – just for a few more minutes, all right?” he coaxed, careful not to demand anything, “If it reaches the point where you can take the earplugs out, then you can decide whether you want to leave.  Deal?”

“A deal hints at two sides to things – both benefit,” Marcus argued with the desperation of someone who was starting to forget why he was arguing, but sensed that he still needed to.  He crossed his arms defensively, which made him look more adorable than foreboding, lying on his side as he was under the blankets, just a foot of space between him and Declan. 

“Commensalism,” Declan pulled out a word from his school days in biology, explaining when Marcus’s eyebrows quirked, “One creature benefits, and the other is neither harmed nor helped.  I don’t mind those odds.  Besides, I told you – you helped me earlier today.”

Finally, Marcus gave in.  He did so in a rather obvious fashion, baring his teeth in a puppy-ish snarl that made Declan think all over again that living alone had made Marcus just a little bit wild – and he found that he liked that just fine.  “All right, I’ll stop arguing with you.”  Sounding irked and huffy, but with his eyes swimming suddenly with unexpected tears again, Marcus twisted around so that his back was to Declan.  His shoulders still formed a stiff, taught shape beneath the blankets, but his voice sounded less combative as he mumbled, “You could have just ordered me, you know.”

“Marcus…” For no reason except that he suddenly wanted to, Declan reached out a hand and smoothed it over Marcus’s back, ignoring the startled twitch.  “When are you going to get it?  I want to help you – not hurt you.”

Slowly, the taut muscles and tendons under Declan’s hand relaxed, although Marcus’s exhale sounded suspiciously wet.  “Fine,” was all Marcus said, trying to maintain his dignity with the aloof word, but pretty much failing as relief sank into his voice. “Fine.” 

Giving Marcus’s nape a gentle squeeze out of reflex – a gesture he’d shared with Liz, Kobi, and even Rob at least a dozen times – Declan settled down and gave Marcus his personal space back, yawning, “See you in the morning, Marcus.”

~^~

Marcus woke up feeling a level of contentedness that he honestly couldn’t remember feeling in years – if ever.  It made him, for a brief moment, wonder if he was drugged, although his head felt clear.  His entire front also felt warm and his hair felt like there was breath ruffling it, and that registered a full three seconds before Marcus realized that he was smelling Declan because his nose was almost touching the other man’s bare collarbone.

Everything from the previous night came back in a rush like an avalanche falling down a mountainside: feeling as if an army of sounds were waging war on his ears, even the slightest noise like an ice-pick until he was literally hearing Liz and Kobi breathing from two rooms away, their heartbeats slightly out of sync but thundering like drums, the crickets outside creating a terrible symphony all turned up to its top volume.  Marcus had actually been asleep until the roar of noise woke him, and by then it was too late for the hastily-put-in ear-plugs to do a lick of good.

His only thought within ten minutes of waking was just to escape it all.  The problem was, nowhere was quiet, so he was seeking dry land in the middle of the ocean. 

It was only when he found himself, for no reason that he could think of, standing outside of Declan Fen’s door that he felt the pounding, lancing against his ears lessening.  He had wanted to cry. 

The memory after that was terrifying and garbled, like a camera being moved around too swiftly for it to focus.  He remembered being desperate beyond measure and begging like the dog he was; he remembered Declan saying something, his words too loud but still not as painful as everything else; he remembered finding them the lesser of two evils, a pain that he could survive.

He remembered thinking that it would be easiest if the Alpha just got mad and killed him.

He remembered that thought fading beneath a pathetic sort of pleasure that came from being slightly less tormented than before.  To a beggar, even scraps tasted good.  But the death-grip of the torture had finally been broken with physical contact, and Marcus’s clear memories started with a snap once he found his head caught in Declan’s firm but conscientious grip.  Marcus hadn’t been lying when he’d explained that being around Declan helped him, but he might have been downplaying the effects a little, if only because Marcus himself could barely believe how swiftly the Alpha’s nearness and touch had allayed the pain. 

The relief of knowing that his ears weren’t going to explode had been so great that Marcus’s attempts to extricate himself from the situation (and Fen’s bed) had been halfhearted at best.  He actually remembered waking up at some point…  Blinking now and furrowing his brows as he tried to remember, forgetting for a moment that he was basically glaring at Declan’s pectoral muscles, Marcus recalled surfacing from a dreamless, black sleep and pulling out the ear-plugs… and then rolling over and falling back to sleep instead of leaving. He also recalled this bringing him into contact with another warm shape, which had grunted and done nothing more than move to accommodate him.

Which explained a lot about where he was now. 

Declan didn’t have a shirt on, which made perfect sense, honestly, for someone who usually slept alone and who looked as good as the Alpha did. Marcus hadn’t thought much of it when he’d first come staggering in, because he’d been nearly suicidal with sensory overload, but now it was suddenly the only fact he could think of. Not only was Marcus close enough that his every breath ricocheted gently off tanned, warm skin, but with a dawning sort of horror, Marcus realized that one of his own arms had somehow found its way around Declan’s middle.  It was looped there without any apparent care in the world, and Marcus spent another few frantic seconds cataloguing all of his other limbs to see if they’d gotten into any worse mischief.  ‘Damn, damn, damn…’ Further investigation proved that his other arm was curled loosely and nonchalantly between them and his legs were only mildly tangled up with Declan’s, but Declan’s right arm happened to be what Marcus was using for a pillow.  Declan’s other arm shifted then and dragged laxly curved knuckles up Marcus’s unsuspecting abdominals, making him shiver in a breath.

At that moment, either feeling the contact from the backs of his fingers unconsciously rucking up Marcus’s nightshirt or feeling that whisper of breath cascading over the hollow of his throat, Declan came awake. Marcus could tell because the larger man froze, muscles tightening beneath Marcus’s tensely draped arm.

There was a count of another three seconds where neither of them even breathed, and then they both sprang apart simultaneously, all in a whirl of limbs and blankets.

Sitting at the far reaches of the bed now, the two young men stared at one another.  Declan looked shockingly young despite his powerful physique, because right now his gold-brown eyes were huge and his blond hair was tousled up like a wheat-field on a windy day.  The cuts Rob had left on his forearms were already healing, a testament to the power of his Werewolf healing, so there was little or nothing to show that he was actually a tried and tested Alpha and not just a random boy caught red-handed.  Marcus doubted he looked much better, his own blue eyes probably as huge as mortified dinner-plates.

Declan suddenly looked down, flushed red, and drew his knees up sharply, but not before Marcus followed his eyes and noticed a distinct tenting of the Alpha’s sweatpants.  Marcus counted himself lucky for not having the same problem, but knew that the embarrassment was still shared quite equally between them. 

“I wasn’t-!” Declan piped up.

Marcus blurted at the same time, “I didn’t-!”

They both stopped, realizing that this was going to be the second event in as many days that they agreed silently to never talk about again. Unfortunately, since Marcus had gotten an eye-full of all of Declan Fen naked yesterday, his brain was happily skipping through his latest physical memories and happily stitching the two together into an unavoidably vivid fantasy no matter how Marcus internally screamed at the impulse to stop.

Declan was the first to brave speaking again, lifting a hand to rub it over the left side of his face, eventually brushing it back through his hair and making that whole side stand straight up.  “Okay,” he sighed, voice still a bit sleep-rough but also higher pitched with what actually might have been panic, “I’m going to say that this was neither of our faults. Agreed?”

Hurriedly, Marcus nodded.  “Agreed.”

“So no one needs to apologize-”

“No, no,” the Omega quickly agreed again, “No need to apologize.” Too late, he realized that he’d concurred a bit too quickly and a tad too emphatically, because when their eyes locked, there was something else in Declan’s, and for a second Marcus couldn’t breathe for the increased racing of his heart.  No, it didn’t look like either of them was seriously hoping for an apology…

A knock on the door had them both jumping so hard that Declan actually overbalanced, and would have fallen backwards right off the bed had Marcus not thrown himself forward instinctively.  He more or less tackled Declan’s shins, and that managed to ground the other man enough that, with a flail of his arms, he was saved from a meeting with the floor.  Still leaning backwards precariously, with the wayward Omega hugging his ankles to balance him, Declan jerked his attention to the door.

Liz called through the door, “Kobi and I can’t find Marcus! His door is open, but he’s not anywhere in the house.  Do you know where he could be?”

With mutually horrified expressions, Declan and Marcus turned to stare at one another.  ‘Now what?’ both of their faces asked in mute panic.