How Lost Souls Love

Pull it together

DAX POV

I shoot upright on the couch breathing hard. I'm dripping in sweat. My shirt clinging to me like i just jumped into a f*****g pool. Damn. 

It had been almost a month since I had a nightmare. I was feeling good about myself. Like maybe I was getting a handle on it. But I guess it was never going to go away. I swing my feet over the edge of the couch. I must have passed out on it after coming home after work last night.  Glancing around at my little apartment I heave a sigh. I miss the loud laughter and music of our old home. My mom would wake me up with the sound of something cooking and the radio playing softly in the background.

Now all I ever wake up to is silence. 

 I glance at the time. 

Noah had texted me late last night and asked if I wanted to head out early and surf with him and Maisie. Seeing her name on my screen brought up some feelings I wasn't quite sure what to call. A mixture of thoughts raced through my head about the look I had seen in her eyes the day before. The unnatural wave of protectiveness I felt then reared its head. 

Drew was long gone but it seemed that I still needed to make sure that she was ok. Somehow it was important to me. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious. 

Maisie was gorgeous. She could be the poster girl for Samoan beauty and grace with her long wavy black hair and full lips. Her thick curves looked like she was sculpted by heaven itself, and her tan made her look like she was given the sweetest kiss by the sun. Her eyes were bluer than the ocean and…

“Whoa. Dude, Stop.” I say out loud catching myself before I allow my imagination to go any further. She's just a girl. Your best friends half sister. Your best friends gorgeous half sister. Damn it.

I stand up and walk over to the bathroom and start changing for the beach. I was gonna put on one of my V neck t-shirts but i figure it will be a waste of time so i just pull on some shorts that will fit under my wetsuit. I go to my closet and grab the wetsuit I want walking back out to my small living room, tossing it on the couch. When I'm done I send a text to Noah saying that I'm down to surf if he can just swing by and pick up me and my board.

With or without the chance to see Maisie I wouldn't miss a good surf. It was the best way to clear my head and blow off some steam. The chill cold of the water and wind whipping against my face has been good therapy for me. There isn't a  person on this island who could ever understand how Surfing has set me free. Helped me find that tiny careless and happy piece of the old me that still exists.

I think back to the first time I ever learned to surf. My mom had taken me down to one of those little shops on the oceanfront and paid for a small beginners lesson. I was only 6 at the time. I fake paddled laying on a small board in the sand and couldn't wait to get out to the water. My mom was behind the instructor taking a million and one pictures of me. At the time I was annoyed, I thought all the pictures she was taking of me when I wasn't even in the water yet made the whole situation embarrassing. 

My mom was always doing that. Taking pictures of things. Taking pictures of me like I was somebody special. She would always say a picture is a memory. It held more than a thousand words, it held the smell and love of a moment. The pictures on the beach she said would hold the feeling of accomplishment. Me trying something new like surfing for the first time and realising i loved it. I used to laugh at her, telling her she was just being silly.

Now every time i pulled out any of our old pictures i wish i could tell her she was right. One of the pictures from that day was hanging in a frame above the TV. 6 year old me is smiling widely and breathing hard. I managed to ride my first little wave all on my own even without the instructor. He told me how impressive that was and offered to take a picture of me and my mom together. Behind me in the photo is my mom. She has her arms wrapped around my shoulders tight and lifting me slightly off the ground in a bone crushing hug as she screams how proud she is off me in my ear as he snaps the photo.

Looking at it makes me smell the ocean air I smelt that day learning how to surf. I can practically feel her arms wrapped around me and her super excited voice in my ear. I can feel her super curly black hair whisp across my wet back as it hangs down her back and gets caught by the wind. She was wearing a tan straw hat that hit me on the head as she pulled me up.

I take in a shaky deep breath and I'm wondering if I forgot to breathe or something. Then I felt a tear hit my bare chest.

Jesus christ Dax. Pull it together! 

I wipe at my face furiously and get up from the couch to wash my face in the bathroom. My phone goes off next to me. Noah is telling me they are leaving the house and on their way to get me. 

I sigh and lean against the sink with my hands. My head falls and I'm fighting to keep my s**t together. I look at myself in the mirror and hate who I see.

My brown hair is messy and my eyes are dark from the lack of sleep. I used to be a really good easy going person. And now all I saw when I looked at myself was the monster that couldn't protect his mother.

As I go to leave I stop in front of the frame on the wall and take it down. I walk slowly over to the junk drawer in the kitchen by the front door and lay it down inside. 

“Im sorry mom..” I say as I shake my head and take a few forced deep breaths.

Then I grab my surfboard and head out to meet Noah.

MAISIE POV

Noah shook me awake around 6am and asked me with confusion of why I was asleep on the floor. I told him I must have sat back down and drifted off counting the stars. Which was the truth but he still looked as if I was lying or trying to hide something from him. 

We each grabbed some fruit from the kitchen and ran to the garage door just off the living room and grabbed our surfboards from the shelves. Then we strapped them to the top of dads Jeep and left while he was still sleeping. 

Noah had taken the doors off of the Jeep last night so everything was open. The fresh morning cold on her skin felt amazing. Her black hair whipped wildly behind her as her yellow sunglasses shielded her eyes. 

She was just starting to doze off when Noah slowed down in front of a fisherman’s loading dock. Behind it was a little better of small apartments. She raised an eyebrow and looked to Noah who was already pulling out his phone. 

“What are we doing here?” I asked. 

“Dax is coming with us.” He said pressing send on the message. I look at him annoyed and he glances back at me. “Did I forget to mention that? Sorry.” He offered lamely as Dax appears in the distance from behind a building carrying a blue surfboard of his own. But I could care less about the surfboard because holy hell.. Dax was shirtless and hot enough to bake cookies off of. 

“Good morning.” He says to me dipping his head politely. 

“Hey man. Let me help you.” Noah says sitting up in the frame of the Jeep to help Dax tie his board. Dax unexpectedly steps into the passenger side door frame where I’m sitting and puts me face to face with his beautiful tan body. At first I’m admiring the lines around his ribs. The firmness of his pectorals when suddenly fear glitches into my mind. My eyes jerk back to staring in front of me. 

No.. no flashbacks. No PTSD. Not right now. Right now I just want to be a girl who enjoys surfing with her brother and his friend. The sideshow would just have to wait until later. 

Dax swung his body around and sat in the middle buckling himself in. “So, what beach are we going to?” 

“We are open to suggestions.” Noah says. 

“We could go to the cove? The waves there are great in the morning and then after we could go snorkeling on the reef. The docs not too far, we could rent a boat and go out.”

“That sounds like fun. I haven’t gone snorkeling since I was like 10.” I say looking at Noah like I'm down for it if he is. 

“Well alright then.” Dax says slapping Noah on the shoulder. Then he leans back and we set off for the Cove.

When we get there I'm in awe. It's a small out of the way beach but the waves are clear and calling out to me. I unbuckle my seat belt and climb the frame of the jeep to unhook my board. I have my board down before the boys are completely out of the car. Pulling off my gray hoodie, I leav on my board shorts and water tee. I would have loved to try my new bikini out but I didn’t really like showing my stomach in front of anyone nowadays. 

I shook out my hair and pulled it into a tight bun on my head and then grabbed my board and headed off towards the water leaving the boys behind.

“Your not going to wear a wetsuit? The water is freezing this early in the morning!” Dax yelled after me. I was too excited to stop and wait but I heard my brother answer for me.

“It doesn't bother her. She walks around with sandals in New York snow. And she takes the coldest showers ever. Seriously, if you ever shower after her when you stay over remember to turn the knob before you get in. ” he laughs.

Just before I reached the water I realized I was still wearing my sandals but there was no way I was walking back to the car to put them away so I kicked them off to the side just before I hit the water. The cold of the water gripped at my ankles and awakened my senses immediately. I loved it! The cold always had an amazing way of heightening my every nerve. Waking me up in ways that I never even knew were asleep.

I put my board down on the water and threw myself on moving it forward. The water splashed my face and soaked the rest of my body sending goosebumps up and down my arms. I wanted to jump off my board for a minute and just dive down into its cold caress. 

I paddle my way out through the distance and finally sit up on my board to wait for the waves. I see one building in the distance. Glancing back to see where the boys were, I saw they were just barely walking to the beach in their wetsuits. I hold up my hand for my brother hoping he will understand. I see him stop and reach out to Dax telling him to wait. I smile. Sometimes it’s like Noah and I have twin powers when communicating. 

I paddle hard up to the wave and whip my board around. I can feel my feet lifting slightly behind me so I paddle hard forward until I can see the top of the wave in my peripheral, then I move to stand. 

The wave is bigger than I thought it would be but that just makes it all the more sweet. Adrenaline starts pumping in my veins. It’s been awhile since I surfed but everything comes back to me with muscle memory. I go right and snap off the top of the wave and ride it down to the left. I pop off one more time before the wave starts to die down and I’m just coasting a flat surface.  

I guide my board towards the boys and finally fall sideways into the water. I revel in the temperature and the calming silence before I finally break the surface. The current dragged me to the shore just to the side of the boys. I wiped my face and let a huge smile break my face. 

“Show off.” Noah says with a mocking look. I laugh. He’s always been jealous that I surf better than he does when he lives and surfs here all the time and I’m only here once or twice a year. 

“That was amazing.” Dax says looking at me incredulously. 

“Don’t inflate her ego! She’s already terrible at gloating!” Noah yells making Dax laugh slightly. 

“No really! I’ve never seen a girl surf like that, that wasn’t a professional surfer. You should pick up some of the competitions while you're here.”

“Here we go..” 

I laugh at my brother as he rolls his eyes. We all flip down into our boards and start to paddle out into the water again. 

“I’ve done competitions here before. That’s how I learned. I took home the Samoa Snap Wave Competition trophy 3 years in a row.” I boast proudly. 

“You just had to get her started.” Noah says jokingly, throwing water at me as he paddles. 

“He’s just mad cuz I smoked him!” I laugh. 

“What place did he come in? And why do I not remember these competitions?” Dax asks looking between us.  

“You don’t remember because I knew Maisie would beat me so I didn’t tell you. Getting beat by your little sister.. come on.” He said, making a face. 

“And by the way he came in 7th.” I said with a smile. 

“Hey! I tactically avoided answering that!” He yells at me. I giggle as I go to sit up on my board. 

Dax is laughing at us and looks at me. His smile is warm and amazed. An uncomfortable flutter starts in my stomach and I politely smile and look away annoyed at myself. Before everything happened I would be totally excited to get a boys attention. But now the attention just sets of alarms in my head. The biggest one being that Dax is my brother’s best friend. 

“Alright, let’s surf!” Noah yelled

**********************************************

After surfing I was pretty wiped out. But Noah assured me that we didn’t have to stay too long. He kept his promise and only stayed at the reefs for about two hours. All in all it had been a great day. That was until Dax said something about how the stickiness made him feel like he was being hugged all over.

After that, it was all I could think of. Something crushing me against it. Touching me all over. Never letting me go. It felt like it was getting hard to breathe and I was fighting really hard to focus on anything else but being sticky. Noah sensed something was off. I know he did because he tried to ask me a question and I just kind of smiled and didn't answer. I saw his eyebrows draw together and felt the car accelerate. Sticky.. Sticky.. Touching me.. Something was touching me. I don't like being touched. Please. Please. Please don't touch me… I closed my eyes trying to fight the panic down with every memory of this morning. Snapping off the waves and the happiness it filled me with. But there was only so much a memory could do. 

“Were almost there Maisie.” Noah says trying to reassure me. I'm painfully aware of the burning sensation on the back of my neck. Dax is staring between Noah and I. He can feel that something is wrong but remains in an uncomfortable silence. 

The second we got home I’m out of the car and through the garage. 

Clothes be damned, I run straight for the shower and get in, suit and all. I peel it from my skin and grab for the soap bottle. I turn it over and dump it straight onto my chest. I start to rub it in frantically letting the bottle drop to the ground.

 I'm desperate to get it off. 

I need the stickiness off

“Get it off NOW!” My mind screamed inside of me.

OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! 

OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! 

OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! 

OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF!

I turn for the loofa I know is on the wall and knock over all the other bottles as I rip it from its hook. I scrub hard. I scrub harder and harder all over me until my skin is pink and raw. After I was sure I had scrubbed every inch of my skin at least twice and the voice in my head screaming at me to get it all off stopped, I slid down to the bottom of the shower and tucked my knees to my chest.

Today had been such a beautiful day. And now I was just exhausted. Exhausted of scrubbing. Exhausted of not being normal. Exhausted of being this broken thing I had become.

The hot water I used to get the sticky ocean water off me crashes over my head. I left it alone for a bit before finally lifting my hand to pull the handle down to Antarctica cold. 

The plumet to freezing woke all my senses. Steam disappeared as my nostrils filled with the refreshing chill from the water. My mind wandered and before I even realized it I was crying. I curl into myself and put my head down. I don’t want to be like this anymore.