Runaway

Old Wounds

When I finally left work that evening I couldn't help but think about the topic of Drew and what is going on in his life. As much energy as I've put into moving on, he still crosses my mind from time to time. We were on our way to building a life when everything fell apart. I spent the better part of my twenties with him. In a lot of ways, we grew up together. So he will forever hold onto a piece of me, even if I wish he didn't. I think when you experience so much happiness and heartache with someone, they forever become part of you. That doesn't mean I enjoy the nights he haunts my memory. Sadly, most of the memories that come to mind are painful ones. The memories that require a bottle of bourbon, Patsy Cline, and an ugly cry. That's why I snapped at Jace today. It's been a few months since I fell down that rabbit hole and with everything going good in life, I don't want to fall into it anytime soon. 

But, here I am at a liquor store walking down the aisle deciding which old friend gets to spend the night with me tonight. After the last incident, I don't keep liquor on hand. I grew up with an alcoholic father and I'm afraid it runs in the family, so as a general I don't keep alcohol in the house. I realize my logic is flawed, but it makes me feel better. Well, looks like the Crown Peach is finally back out. I guess I know I'm spending my night with. I'll regret drinking a sweet liquor in the morning when I wake up for work. But for tonight it will be perfect. 

I get home and my best girl Charlie is happy to see me, which makes me feel loved a little more. I honestly don't think I could've made it through that first year without her silent love. I take her for a quick walk around the neighborhood before making me a quick dinner and settling on the couch to binge-watch Being Human.  I've watched it so many times, but on nights like tonight, I like being distracted by other people's problems. Even if those problems are fictional and built in a non-existent world. After dinner, I fill my glass halfway with ice and get the crown out of the freezer, where I put it when I got home, and fill my glass.  Plop down on the couch and start round one "Cheers Charlie" I say. She just looks at me with sad eyes. She's been down this road with me before. But tonight I've promised myself not to pull out the box. I may be in my feelings tonight, but I'm not a sadist. 

I jerk awake and the screen is black with a message asking if I'm still there. I look over and see the empty bottle on the coffee table, which means at some point I gave up on drinking out of a glass. My mouth is dry, I have drool crusted to my cheek, and I'm still in my work clothes. Thank god no one is here to see me in this state. I slowly get up off the couch and move to my bed. I slip off my pants and shirt and face plant onto my pillow. Already regretting my decision to drink like that and looking at the clock wondering how much time I have left to try to sleep off this drunk. It's one in the morning, hopefully, I can sober up enough in the next few hours to make it to work on time. The last thing I want to do is explain to my boss why I'm late and look like hammered s**t. 

Just before I drift back off to sleep I notice my window is open. I don't remember opening it, but with as much as I drank, there is no telling what I did the last few hours. So I hoist myself up out of bed and go close the window, it's only March so it's still a little too cool at night to leave the window open. I fall back down into the bed and slowly feel the tears leak from my eyes. I'm ashamed of myself. Ashamed I can't let go completely of the pain and anger. Ashamed that I fall face-first into the bottle every time the pain comes on. Lastly hurt that I'd do it all again if it meant getting to keep that one thing that broke me the worst. 

Slowly I drift back to sleep and dream of strong arms holding me through the night. Giving me the warmth and comfort I long for. I snuggle into the chest of my dream man and inhale the wonderful scent of his cologne. I know I'll be lonely again in the morning, but for tonight I'm going to dream of Mr. perfect. I'm going to let myself believe that I have someone who wants to love me. 

I wake up and I'm in a white room with white bedding. The sun is streaming in the window and I can smell honeysuckle and Chinese privet on the breeze. I must be out in the country somewhere. I slowly get up and walk to the window to try and see where I am. I hear the door open and turn to see the most handsome man. My face lights up and I feel an unexplainable happiness to see him. "Well, look who finally decided to get out of bed! Did you sleep well my love?" he asks as he walks towards me. As he approaches his face becomes more clear and I can see it's Kaylex. But I'm not surprised, it feels completely natural and normal to be standing here in this room with him. "Well if I overslept, it's your fault. You wore me out last night" I reply back as I giggle. He just smiles and leans in to kiss me.

When my alarm went off I woke up feeling surprisingly well-rested, between the alcohol and dreaming about my boss of all people I thought I would feel awful. I'll count this as the universe taking pity on me and be thankful. I guess it's time to go face the man of my dreams today.