WHEN THE HEART KNOWS

Rejection

He had watched her looking at him as if she wanted to bolt from the house. She was afraid he could see that perfectly and he was puzzled. Why would she be afraid? Of course it was always frightening and exciting when one was taking a new lover. You had doubts and uncertainties wondering if the person would find you satisfying. But she shouldn’t worry about that, he found her satisfying already with her standing there in that mini gown, with her long braids left to run free. A girl of her experience should know what that alone could do to a man. He watched as his words sank into her mind and she smiled at him casually. Pushing her fright to the back of her mind for the moment, he was sure, he thought slightly amused by her fear.

“Of course not” she said moving to sit down on an arm chair.

He expected that of course. He knew she would choose a chair that put her as far away from him as possible and a chair that was too small for him to want to join her in it. But he was determined to have his way with her but he wasn’t going to act like a cave man and drag her to sit with him. All he needed was some finesse and she would become more than a willing partner. Suddenly it dawned on him that he didn’t know what to do. This situation was new to him. Usually most of his women were more than willing and most of them would have started the seduction game before now. Contrary to all the rumors about him, he wasn’t into heartless debauchery like they all thought. He hardly seduced women but for the first in his life, here was a woman who was not willing to become his lover. Was she different or was she just putting on an act to make him more desperately at her mercy. He smiled, if that was her game, she had failed woefully. She had an awful disappointment ahead of her. With that in mind, he decided that enough was enough. He was tired of the teasing game she was playing. She knew what he wanted and he was not going to let her make a fool of him by keeping him hanging.

“There is enough space here for both of us” Uche said standing up and slowly drew her to her feet and led her to the couch. He was surprised that she followed willingly. He had thought she would put up some form of resistance.

Nma sat down beside him, nervous, wondering why she had let him draw her to the couch. What was wrong with her, was she loosing her mind, had she totally gone insane? Here she was acting like a starry eyed teenager when her virtue and her vow were at stake. But she knew somehow that she had nothing to fear of him because she was sure he would not force her. She was sure that he would be angry but she was very sure he would never force himself on her. That wasn’t his style. Uche would love a willing and experienced woman who knew what she was doing, a woman who would take as well as give back pleasure for pleasure. What was she thinking, that a miracle would happen? She stiffened as he drew her into his arms and pressed a kiss on her fore head.

“Relax I am not going to bite you” he whispered into her ear and she shuddered as his breath touched her ears, and found herself relaxing. Then she realized that not only did she love him, she also trusted him. Probably she needed to have him this way to explain to him why she was going to say no to this.

“This is very cozy isn’t it?” Uche murmured.

Nma kept quiet and picked up the remote control; she was looking for what to do put off what she had to say a while longer because she was also aware that his reaction would determine her future with him, her quite coveted future with him. She heaved a sigh and turned the music off. It was best if she started by breaking the mood. Uche looked at her as the music stopped and she smiled at him and turned on the television. “There is this series I like watching and it will soon be on air” she said trying to divert his thoughts.

He grimaced and took the remote control from her and switched it back the music. Really he was getting angry with her game.

“This fits the mood better” he said and started kissing her. He was not going to give her the chance to wriggle out of his hands again.

As usual Nma felt her resistance melting away

“Well what is there in a kiss?” she rationalized. He had kissed her before and still they didn’t feel inclined to take it further, why should this particular kiss be different, she let herself enjoy the moment. This was the man she loved and she was sure he cared about her and in her estimation, it was a start. From his words and action he had shown her how much he really cared and she knew it wouldn’t be long before he told her how much he loved her. She felt her hands circle his neck and Uche sighed, he knew she had been fighting with her mind ever since but it seemed as if she had made up her mind at last. Then Uche raised his head and looked at her.. Each time he touched her, he had always felt her body and mind leap into response. But this time was different. Probably she was just nervous because she knew he wasn’t just planning to kiss and go. He wanted to make love to her and he was going out of his mind waiting for a sign that she wanted the same thing at this very moment that he did. “You’re beautiful” he murmured.

Nma smiled at him lovingly, her heart in her eyes. She loved him and yet she didn’t think it was right to sleep with him just to show him she did. She wanted him so much yet it was not just his body that was most important to her but his mind too. She wanted him to belong to her mind, body and soul. And that had nothing to do with s*x. At that moment she realized that love was not all about s*x. If he truly loved her, he wouldn’t bear to leave her for any reason at all, least of all s*x because she couldn’t see herself leaving him for that same reason or any other reason at all. Then she decided to follow Felix’s advice. She knew it was time she did something about their situation but she was very scared of how he would take it, would he hurt her by taunting and making mockery of her and her belief, could she forgo all her dad had taught her and all Felix advised and fall into the magic she knew she will experience in his arms,

“Oh God help me” she cried silently, “I’m so confused, I don’t want to loose him, I can’t bear it. What a time to ask for God’s help” she mused. Well she knew she would need his divine strength to resist Uche’s touch because she had already lost control of her body and she was fast loosing the control of mind too to the magic he was weaving. but if he truly loved her, she thought, would he leave her just because she didn’t want to make love with him outside marriage. Surely his love for her was not just for her body? She asked herself confused, and if it was her body he loved more, could she live with that knowing he would leave when ever he got tired of the body, Could she settle for that? No, she swore silently. She would never settle for less, if he loved her, it must be her soul and not just her body. And there was no other way to find out what he really wanted from her but by saying no like Felix and her father had taught her.

Nma was jostled out of her thought when he began kissing her again, and just like that she was lost. Her whole resolve forgotten but when his hands went for her zipper and his bare hands made contact with her bare flesh and she felt her body come alive in a way it had never before as he began slide his hands into her softness. Her body reacted like she had been shocked, she had never experienced such excitement and she became frightened; she had never gone this far with any other man before. At that instant, she made up her mind.

“Uche” she called quietly, “I don’t want to do this” she said softly but firmly.

Uche stopped instantly because he heard her. It was his nature to listen. He wanted at all cost to meet up to her expectation but her words were not what he was expecting. What kind of a game was she playing, he was fast becoming irritated. Only few moments ago he had felt her shudder from his touch and he knew she wanted him as much as he did her. Was she one of those girls who used an opportunity like this to get what they want from a man? If she was, then he was walking out of that door faster than a bolt lightening. But first of all he wanted to know why, why was she denying them what they both wanted.

“Why” he asked almost in a whisper but he couldn’t hide his surprise.

“Because I am not that kind of a girl” she answered angry at herself, for goodness sake you could do better than that she scolded herself. But all her thoughts have fled, leaving her empty; she didn’t even know how to explain herself to him.

“What kind of girl are you then?” he asked sitting up and staring at her without any trace of anger but he was very much astonished. What kind of girl was she then, he very much wanted to find out. He had always known that she was different and right then he wanted to know who she was exactly.

Nma heaved a sigh and prayed that he would accept her the way she was. But first of all she did up her zip and turned to him with pleading eyes “Every person in this world has some kind of belief or guiding principle” she said and smiled at him. He was looking very curious and she decided to go on. “I was brought up to believe that s*x is sacred and should be practiced only within the sacred bonds of marriage” she kept quiet dreading to see the look on his face.

Uche was greatly astonished and he wanted to laugh, was this her way of telling him that he must marry her if he wanted a piece of her. Women, he thought, they were all the same. She was very fidgety he saw and he decided to calm down a bit before he told her exactly what he thought of her.

“I know you might think I am naive and a blast from the past but it is my standards and I cannot compromise it” she said firmly

Uche was speechless, he was getting angrier by the minute. How could she sit there and calmly try to lure him into marriage without so much as by your leave. No he wasn’t angry, he was very furious. Was she trying to say that she had never been with a man? Of course he was not going to believe that. A girl as ambitious and beautiful as she was could never remain a virgin this long not in this time and age. He didn’t have any illusion left where women were, least of all a very beautiful one. So she was a virgin, he mocked, he was determined to know.

Nma was expecting his laughter or mockery. Those she could take but the unthinkable would be leaving her. She couldn’t bear to loose him and at the same time, she couldn’t turn her back to all the life lessons she had received and above all her vow to her Heavenly Father.

“Are you a virgin?” She heard him ask quietly but he didn’t deceive her, she could see that he was trying to hold on to his temper.

No words came out of her mouth; so Nma nodded wordlessly, and looked down on her entwined fingers nervously. She didn’t expect the question either, she heard him heave a sigh and she stiffened herself waiting for his reaction.

Of course Uche didn’t believe her for one moment. There was no way she could still be a virgin, had he not seen her a few times before deciding to come after her. Had he not seen her with different guys and at different occasions? Was she not so close to Ken that she was contemplating getting married to him? Was she trying to say that all those men were nothing more than social escorts, could she honestly sit here and tell him Ken had no intimate knowledge of her?

He had had enough and he wasn’t going to sit and watch a mere child play with his mind. No woman no matter how beautiful could force or lure or scheme her way into becoming his wife. Whenever he wanted marriage, he was going to pick out the woman by himself and it was going to be devoid of any scheming on the woman’s side. What did women think that he was so foolish that any woman could become his wife by flaunting a beautiful body or by claiming innocence they lost in their mother’s womb? He looked at her and he wondered what made her think he wanted a virgin in the first place. In this time and age, virginity did not represent purity or high morals. It only represented lack of opportunity and probably the person was too dull and afraid to take a chance, so the person would be in every aspect of her life. Uche stood up and Nma turned to look at her.

“I should be leaving” he said calmly to answer her unspoken question.

“You didn’t say anything” she said quietly

“That is because I don’t want to make this situation any more awkward than it is already”

“I don’t understand” Nma said, she didn’t know why she was persistent. Then she realized that her mind understood the fact that if Uche walked out from that door, he would never come back. And she felt like crying all of a sudden.

“What part of it don’t you understand, you said I cannot touch you unless I am willing to make you my wife and I have no intention of doing that so what’s the point in staying?”

Nma gasped with shock. “So all these while it has been about my body”

“Surprised, I was too, finding out very calmly too that all these while it has been about becoming Mrs. Okoha”

She looked at him with shock “You cannot mean that”

“Look at this, for the past one month, we have been seeing each other and I have been greatly puzzled by your games of hard to get but now I get it. All those show of intelligence, all those squirming when I kiss you, all that anger was nothing but a show to make me think you are different and give you the coveted title Mrs. Okoha but this is the last straw. You didn’t have to lie about your virginity honey, I am not on the look out for a virgin” he began to walk out.

Nma was shocked, she refused to cry. She had always suspected that he would react this way but what she didn’t guess was how devastated she would become. She was just a breath a way from calling him back and allowing him to have his way with her but for what? She asked herself silently. For man who had just confirmed that he wanted nothing but a fling with her? No she wasn’t going to call him back; she was going to put her life back together like she always did, though she suspected that this time she might not be able to do that judging from how she was feeling. She turned away; she didn’t want to see him walk away from her. She was afraid that she would call him back if she saw him.

Uche watched her sitting down, looking forlorn, uncertain and scared. He had never seen her that way and his heart went out to her. He wanted to go to her and comfort her but then he thought, her reaction could be part of her plan. Look pitiful enough so he won’t have the heart to leave. He was sure that was what she was telling herself right then.

“Please leave” Nma heard herself say “I am sorry that was the impression you got but it wasn’t what I intended. I would agree that becoming Mrs. Okoha has its merits but honestly those merits does not fascinate me, good bye Uche, it was nice knowing and learning from you”

He chuckled “You don’t have to salvage your dignity with that little feel good speech” he mocked.

Uche hesitated only for a fraction of a minute and left.

The shutting of the door sounded like the shutting of a prison gate and all of sudden it was silent everywhere. So she had truly lost him, not for a while, but forever. She let the tears fall then, it just dawned on her and she didn’t think she could take it. She couldn’t even wish things were different. She was only hurt and mildly thankful that she didn’t give in to his desire. Then she realized she was not crying for Uche alone but for all the men she would eventually fall in love with but who would eventually leave because of her vow with her Creator. Was there any man out there who would love her enough to wait? Was she destined to be alone for the rest of her life as result of her vow? She shook her head in self pity. She could as well resign herself to her fate, and concentrate on her business, because these few days with Uche Okoha had taught her a great lesson that men only cared about women if they could have her flat on her back and if she resisted or said no, they showed their real color. She got up slowly and went into her studio to forget the only way she knew how.