That Night

5 Years

It has been five years. Five years since it all happened. For five years, I've longed to forget that memory so bad but, I couldn't. It just kept eating away at me, devouring my soul like a parasite. Nothing was ever the same after that night. Returning to the place I once called home, knowing that I have no family to go home to anymore, made it all the more painful. It was bad enough that it happened to me but, to see people looking at me with sorrow and so much pity, just made the situation worse for me. I get it, I just got home and I find out that my family was murdered by some monster, I knew I'd get pity for sure. I just didn't like that they kept telling me how sorry they were, that they didn't know, and that everything happened for a reason. 

So I asked myself, what could possibly be the reason for my family getting killed so brutally? After a month, I wasn't able to take it anymore. Even though the people there continued showing kindness, everything that happened seemed to be too much for me. And so, I ran away. At least, I tried to. The authorities got to me fast. I told them I wanted to leave, that I wanted to forget the place that reminded me so much of my family and the misery it brought me. Eventually, they agreed to let me go. However, when they said they'd let me go, I didn't think they'd send me to a foster home. Technically, to them, it was away from home. It's just not what I wanted. Of course, what could I do? I was just a 14-year-old kid. I didn't know any better. That much, I know for sure.

At the foster home, I had no problems. The people were nice. They always tried to get me to interact with the others but, I couldn't. I wouldn't. I just kept to myself. I did what I had to everyday. I wake up, eat the three meals that were prepared on the table, and go to sleep. Repeat the next day. But what they don't know is that I sneak out every night. I go out to the field, sit on the grass, and I'd look up at the stars. For a few moments, I'd clear my mind of everything that went wrong and in its replacement, I start to think that everything was right in the world. That it was all just a bad dream. I look at the stars and I see hope. I see the light that shines on me and think that somewhere, my family's up there watching over me. When I look at the stars, I'm at peace. I wish things could stay like this all the time but, I'd just be lying to myself. It's a shame that everything stops at night and reality kicks back in the morning.

I spent roughly 6 months at the foster home before I got adopted miraculously. I got adopted by people who are like me. Like me, they've lost some loved ones along the way. At first, when they came, the nuns told me they were looking for someone younger, close to the age of toddlers to 5-year-olds. It's not that I had hoped to be adopted. It's that they asked about me. I assume they wondered why there was a 14-year-old girl living in a foster home, not adopted. Of course, the nun they were speaking to told them about me and suddenly, things changed. I was sitting on a corner by the window, writing away in a journal I always keep with me when the nun called for my attention and said she wanted to talk to me in the office. I still remember that moment so vividly…

"The couple has asked about you."

"Why?"

"They are considering to adopt you, Aaliyah."

I stared blankly at her. 

"Why me? Don't people like them usually adopt someone younger than me?"

"Well, yes, they did. At first but, now, they have their eyes set on you."

"Why? because of what happened to me?" I asked plainly, looking down at my hands.

"Not in the way that you think." the nun gently mused.

"Then why?"

"Because what happened to you, happened to them." 

What she said made me look up at her. 

"The reason they decided to adopt was because the woman had suffered from several miscarriages. Now, you might not understand it too well but, like you, they've lost loved ones."

I just stayed silent as she continued.

"I wasn't supposed to tell you any of that but, I figured it could shed some light to the answer you're looking for." 

Still... silence. 

"You are a wonderful child, Aaliyah. You deserve to be taken care of as much as any child around this place. I'm hoping that being with them and them being with you would help heal the pain you’re feeling and after some time... I'm hoping they could also help wash away the horrors you've seen."

Then I see her getting up from her chair, going around to stop in front me and taking hold of my hand.

"Your life is not supposed to stop here, my child. You still have a long time to live. It's no use spending all of it in pain and sorrow. Stop blaming yourself because it's not your fault." she gently explained.

"But it is. I wasn't there. I should've been there for them." I retort.

"No. No one could have predicted any of it happening. Believe it or not, I know that your family certainly wouldn't want to see you hurting like this. Just because they're not here anymore, doesn't mean that you should stop living. No matter what you do, they're always going to be there with you, I'm sure."

I looked at her silently. 

"I want you to be happy. Let yourself have that chance, hmm? It's all up to you. You know that, don't you?"

I just nodded stiffly at her. She laid a kiss on my head and left me to myself. It was only at that moment when I realized I was crying. 

Truth be told, I didn't want to get adopted, ever. It was easier that way. I'd save myself from having to get attached to someone, bonding with them, and fearing for their life if something bad happens. Although, when I thought it about it, I'd never be able to do things that only families can do. I won't be able to call any place 'home'. I won’t have a mother to talk to about my daily problems. I won't have a father to argue with. There will be many things that I'll miss if I am to be without a family. I've thought of the consequences over and over that I've suppressed myself from the feeling of happiness that having a family brings. I know it all too well. And yet…

I decided to take the risk. If there was ever a chance for me to rid of myself of the hurt and the terrible memories that that night has brought me, even just for a while… I'd take it.