Too Bad, Baby

TIA: DISAPPOINTMENTS

CHAPTER 5

I walked miserably on the lake shore early in the morning, alone. It was our fifth day in the cabin and we were about to check out by noon. Calyx was still asleep. I patiently waited for him to roll away from me before I snuck out of bed.

I couldn't believe almost a week has passed by so quickly. These past few days were the happiest of my entire adult life. I finally managed to be romantic with Calyx after all these years, and thankfully, it didn't suck. It was euphoric. And now it was about to end.

We shut our phones off after giving my parents notice we'd be staying out. After that, we went back to our newfound hobby, all day, all night, with the exception of breakfast, lunch and dinner. Once or twice, we even skipped breakfast and consummated like bunnies.

In a few hours, we will travel back to reality, where Calyx and I will have never crossed that line.

I made him promise never to speak of this ever again, and to never, ever tell anybody, no matter what. He argued most of the time whenever I reminded him about it and came up with hundreds of reasons why we should be able to do it again, given the right opportunities.

"That's just idiotic Tee," I recalled him say, frowning. We were both in the tub, taking a bath, opposite each other. "Why are you antagonizing the best thing that's ever happened to both of us?"

"Baby, this has been perfect so far," I told him. "If we crossed another line from here, it might end up very ugly."

"So this is just a booty call marathon to you?"

I shook my head. "Nope. However, I think it's wise if we leave whatever this is here. We won't be able mess up what we had and what we really are."

"Alright," he said, moodily. "I will agree to that only if you agree with my proposition."

"And what that might be?" I asked curiously, looking at his gorgeous hazel eyes.

"If in five years we both find ourselves still living together, and single, you have to marry me. Or at least agree to have a kid with me," he said, looking pleased with himself.

"Five years?" I wrinkled my nose.

"Five years," Calyx confirmed.

"Ten," I bargained.

"Non-negotiable ma'am. No counter offers, take it or leave it."

"If I don't agree?"

"I will tell Matt we slept together like a million times and you loved it."

"Hey!" I whined, splashing his face with water. "You wouldn't dare."

"I'm still not over doing this, Tia. So help me God, I will tell Matt I screwed him over." He shrugged.

"Missy-"

"In my state of mind, I will choose you over Missy. Believe you me."

"You're crazy."

"Baby, we just started sleeping together," he reminded me. "How soon do you expect me to get over this?"

"Deal," I said after a few moments. "This ends here." I agreed, knowing Calyx will soon be back on his feet once we reach Manhattan. He would get back together with Missy once he remembered they were perfect for each other. If not, he would go back to the club scene and jump from one girl to another.

"And you're either marrying me or having a kid with me in five years. Or maybe both. Let's shake on it."

I shook his hand and he pulled me closer, giving me a slow, passionate kiss.

The cold wind blew against my cheeks, bringing me back to my awareness. I stopped walking and sat down on the beach.

I started to regret the deal I made with Calyx. The truth is- I've never wanted him more. I never even thought it was possible to fall in love all over again with the man I already loved from a distance.

I was intoxicated from the moment he held me the first night. And now it hurts just to breathe, knowing the fairytale would end shortly. I felt tears welling up in my eyes.

It's funny how I came here to pick up the pieces, what's left of Calyx anyway, and wound up being broken in return.

My heart was breaking slowly, more painfully with each breath. I let myself cry, mourning the loss of what I really didn't have to begin with.

I was sobbing frantically when I felt a hand touch my shoulder. "Oh Tee," I heard Calyx say. He sat down in my back and hugged me from behind.

"I'm sorry," I said, forcing myself to a fake laugh. "PMS thing."

Calyx said nothing, but kissed the back of my neck.

We sat in silence. The sun was slowly rising over the horizon as I cried even more.

"Tia, what happened, what we have, it's real. I don't even know why you're fighting it," his voice sad. "I'm not sure what exactly I feel right now, but I know you always had a place in my heart. I don't understand. Did I do this to you?"

I shook my head. "No Cale. It's not your fault."

"But you're crying because of me."

It was now or never. "I love you Calyx. I've loved you for longer than I can remember," I confessed. "I had it under control for years. I loved you for so long I was devastated last week when you told me about your problem. I love seeing you happy, and I know you were with Missy."

I went on. "I meant it when I said you should get Missy back. I knew you loved her, and I just wanted to see you happy again. It hurts to see you spiral out of control, Cale."

"I'm sorry sweetie."

"I brought this on myself," I told him, tears still streaming down my cheeks. Calyx pressed me tighter to his body. "I didn't plan whatever it is that led us to now. Every minute of what we had was amazing. Now I'm just terrified of losing you in a way."

"But you are the one insisting-"

I interrupted him. "I can't be Missy. I cannot replace her."

"I don't want you to be like her," Calyx said.

"Can you please go?"

"Hey, we're talking about this."

"Please, Calyx. I need to be alone right now."

"Tia. Don't do this to us."

"Please."

"I can't believe you're bailing out," Calyx said, he sounded equally hurt. "I've been chasing after you every step of the way all week and you just kept running. And now I find you crying over me? You're the one who doesn't want to give this a chance! You said you love me but how is it possible that I was the one who ended up being rejected?"

"Calyx-"

"I'm sorry Tia. Sure, I'll make this easier for you. You're right. This is a big mistake. For you anyway. Forget this ever happened. I will. We're done."

He got up. And then walked away.

***********************

We packed our things placidly. Calyx stormed out after he called the concierge, informing them that we're leaving earlier than planned. He was complaining loudly about having to go back and forth the manor. He was cursing to himself for forgetting to do it after he did breakfast.

My eyes were still red and puffy. It took me a while to pull myself together. The cabin was empty when I got back a while ago. I found a note saying Calyx went for breakfast, explicitly expressing that he didn't plan on waiting for me. My heart sank.

As I finished packing, I brought my go bag in the car and started the engine. I decided to wait inside to avoid the air of Calyx's repulsion that he will have surely, unequivocally directed towards me.

A quarter of an hour had passed before I saw his reflection in the rearview mirror, somberly walking back. I felt like throwing up, seeing his obscured expression.

He went in the car, not saying a word but I felt him glaring at me. I looked away even further. I exhaled loudly as he drove away from the Davy House.

We were still about ten miles away from where there would be a radio signal available. I decided against putting my earphones on. It would drive Calyx crazier.

I sat silently. Then I remembered I had my sunglasses so I put them on to feign sleep.

"You're not getting off that easy," Calyx broke the silence, threateningly. "No way. You're not doing the sleep fake out Christianna."

I glanced at him, opened my mouth to say something but then changed my mind.

"I think it's best if you move out of my apartment soon," Calyx said coldly. "Im gonna give you enough time to find another job before I let you go."

I looked at him in disbelief. "You're kicking me out and firing me at the same time?"

"Consider this your eight weeks notice."

"You can't be serious, Calyx. You know I'm gonna lose my work visa if I don't get another job on time," I argued. "You can kick me out, but can you please not fire me?"

He glared at me sideways. "I'm sure Matt will let you move in and perhaps you could be his assistant too. All you gotta do is sleep with him," he said insultingly.

Suddenly I was furious too. "Well let's keep our fingers crossed he is not like you," I shot back. "You just fired and kicked me out AFTER I slept with you."

"OH BOO FREAKIN' HOO!"

"Go to hell, Calyx."

"Thanks to you I'm already there!"

*****************

Thankfully, I have managed to endure the long, excruciating drive with Calyx to Toronto. We finally reached my driveway and he couldn't hold back another b***h fit.

I walked towards my porch, drowning his vehement yammering, by reciting the alphabet backwards in my head. I opened the door and to my surprise, I saw Missy striding her way from the kitchen to the living room. I was unable to move. She smiled at me, but what I saw was an evil grin.

I heard Calyx as he went on yapping away, his voice closer as he entered, failing to take heed of his monologue.

He stopped in mid-sentence, astonished by his girlfriend's abrupt presence. "Missy?"

"Hey," Missy greeted him. She made her way to Calyx and gave him a lingering smooch. "Mrs. Jacob let me in. She's very sweet. Where have you been?"

"Ontario," he told her casually.

"What have you guys been doing there?" Missy inquired.

Calyx led her to the couch and they sat together. I, on the other hand, excused myself from the room, though I could stiill hear bits of their conversation vaguely, within the safety of my kitchen.

I leaned on the counter for support, to keep my knees from wobbling. I felt weak, hungry and terrified altogether at once.

I ran my fingers through my hair nervously. This was a disaster waiting to happen.

I almost jumped when Calyx came in the kitchen. "She wants me to go back to New York today," he informed me. His face was blank.

I couldn't think of anything to say to respond to that. I decided it wasn't a question anyway so I just shrugged.

It looked like he was waiting, no- hoping for me to say something. His shoulders slumped a bit with my unresponsiveness.

"Are you coming with us?" He looked at me expectantly.

"Uh.. I'll catch another plane tomorrow," I told him, not meeting his eyes.

He stared for a few seconds. "You sure? I can stay until-"

"I'm sure."

"Course you are," he muttered.

"Cale?" I called when he started heading out.

He looked hopeful.

"I'm not sure I'm coming back tomorrow."

"What? Why?"

"I think I have to find another job right away and I think I'll just look here," I told him sadly.

"Are you kidding me Tee? This is how you're ending this?" He asked, disgusted.

"I think you're right to fire me and kick me out," I lied. "It's time to move on, Cale. And if I'm gonna do that, I might as well do it here. This is my home."

"It was a bit, Tia!" His voice was strained, but definitely angry. "I was very upset! I was just trying to agitate you."

"Missy's waiting," I reminded him. My heart sank deeper. "You have to go."

He shook his head slowly. This time, he looked at me, disappointed. "You're unbelievable, Tia."

****************

I watched Calyx and Missy get inside the cab through my window. Calyx hurriedly packed his belongings and called a cab by himself. They both walked out the door without saying a word.

I blinked a few times to hold back my tears.

I didn't plan on staying here in Toronto. It was a spur of the moment decision I blurted out when he told me he was leaving with Missy.

I really thought I had more than twelve hours to salvage our messed up relationship. But Missy- well, she really had a knack for ruining things for Calyx. And-or for me.

I straightened myself up and decided to drop by my mother's. I spent a few minutes over and came back home, explaining I needed a nap.

I lay on my bed, staring up the ceiling, reliving my five awesome days with Calyx. I tried to block out the most recent events, but it kept creeping up to me.

I buried my head in a pillow, wishing I could take back the things I told the guy I love. I drowned even more in melancholy and remorse. I kept convincing myself that it was the smartest decision I've ever made since I confessed and surrendered myself to Calyx.

It was no use. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make myself find comfort with my logic. In a way, I knew it was the best thing to do, to keep others from getting hurt. What we did, only made things worse for him and Missy and I owe it to them to stay away before it was too late.

I felt no hint of relief as my heart drifted further into deeper sorrow. It felt as if something had reached on, tore my heart away from my chest and crushed it. The pain was too agonizing. My mind went numb, unable to make sense of anything. Any hope of relief was thwarted by the tormenting sadness that befall me.

I skipped dinner no matter how starved I felt. I haven't had anything the entire day, but my appetite was nowhere near to be found. And when I couldn't take it anymore, I let my tears flow, and cried myself to sleep.

It was still dark when I was awakened by the sound of my cell. I checked the screen.

It was Calyx.

His name instantly gave me a mini-heart attack. I didn't know what to do. A part of me wanted to go ahead and take the call, but another told me otherwise. I rejected his call and let it go to voicemail.

He called a few more times, with an approximately five minute interval, and I kept canceling it. When the calls finally stopped, I took my time before I checked my messages.

First voicemail:

*Tia, this is so not over. Call me back. [click]*

Second vm:

*I swear to God, Christianna, if you don't pick up, I will never talk to you again! Pick up! [click]*

Third vm:

*Oh for crying out loud, Tia! Don't make me come back up there! [click]*

Fourth vm:

*FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TIA, CALL ME BACK! STOP PLAYING GAMES WITH ME, DAMMIT! I KNOW YOU'RE LISTENING! I WILL FUCKIN' CALL MATTHEW LARKIN IF YOU DON'T CALL ME BACK WITHIN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES! [click]*

Fifth vm:

*WHAT IS LARKIN'S NUMBER? CALL ME BACK. [click]*

Sixth vm:

*DAMMIT, TIA WHERE IS OUR PHONEBOOK? AND WHAT IS THE PASSWORD ON MY COMPUTER? [click]*

Seventh vm:

*Okay, I'm sorry I kindda lost it. Just please, call me back. I really can't remember my password. And I still haven't found Larkin's number. Tee. Call me, ok? [click]*

Eighth vm:

*SERIOUSLY CHRISTIANNA! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR STUPID GAMES! WHAT'S TAKING YOU SO LONG? CALL ME BACK OR I WILL HAVE YOU DEPORTED! [click]*

Nineth vm:

*SO I APPARENTLY I CAN'T DEPORT YOU BACK TO CANADA UNTIL YOU SET FOOT AGAIN IN MANHATTAN. CALL ME BACK WITH MY PASSWORD AND LARKIN'S NUMBER, OR I SWEAR TO YOU, I WILL DRAG YOUR ASS BACK HERE JUST SO I COULD HAVE YOU DEPORTED! [click]*

Final vm:

*I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, Tee. Can you please, please, please call me soon? I really need that number and password. Please. Call me. Thanks. (dead air) I miss you already. I can't stop thinking about you. [click]*

I didn't realize I started chuckling to myself, listening to his voice messages. And my heart did a somersault particularly during the last one.

I waited for another hour before I called the apartment's house number, just to make sure the it'd be the machine that gets it.

"Calyx, it's me," I started. "I got your messages, all ten of them. We should talk soon. I changed my mind about staying here. Sorry about that. I'll fly back to New York tomorrow. I'll see you in your apartment. At least give me a week to pack and move out, okay? I'll talk to Andy day after tomorrow. Your password is your favorite book- Harry Potter, no space, all caps. See you tomorrow."

My flight to Newark airport was quick but restless. I was already in the cab when I called Andy. We agreed to meet on a Starbucks down the street near Calyx's building. There wasn't much traffic on the way to Manhattan so I reached the coffee shop ten minutes earlier than we agreed on.

My cell rang. I answered upon seeing Calyx's name on it.

"Finally!" He exclaimed. "Where are you?"

"Still at the airport," I saying, lying through my teeth.

"I'll come pick you up," he offered.

"Andy's on her way now," I informed him. "I'll probably be home in an hour or so."

"Okay," he said. "I'll be waiting."

"See you then."

I ordered coffee and sat back on my booth. A few seconds later, Andy came.

She gave me a long hug. "How have you been?"

"I'm fine," I said hugging her back. It was good to see Andy again. Whenever I'm with my best girl, I felt empowered and invincible, like I can do anything no matter how crazy it seemed. "Go get your coffee first."

"So," She started as she set her steaming coffee on the table. "How was home?"

"It was alright. It rained a lot."

"And Calyx?"

"We slept together," I told her nonchalantly.

Her jaw dropped. "Seriously?"

I nodded.

"Well?" She asked impatiently.

"It was great until it lasted."

I caught her up, filling in every detail, from the sort-of-breakup with Missy, how Matt checked up on me- which led to drinking too much wine which eventually lead to kissing and humping- loads of humping, which lead to fighting. And then came the kicking out and firing. And then again fighting.

Andy's eyes widened as she drank her coffee. "How was it?"

I snorted. "That's your big question?"

"Yes, the BIG QUESTION," she winked. "How big?"

"Shut up Andy, " I laughed, my face reddening. "I"m not gonna answer that!"

"Aww come on Tia!" She giggled. "You don't have to answer anything else, just that."

"I'm not telling you."

"I always have told you," she groaned. "You know I can keep a secret!"

"Haha."

"I bet it is a big question," she said mischievously. "You wouldn't spend so much time banging the guy if it wasn't."

"Well, it wasn't short and sweet," this time, I winked at her. "And for your peace of mind, yes, he's mindnumbingly great in bed."

Her right had flew over her mouth. "Way to go, Calyx!"

We shared a laugh.

After our laughter died out, Andy was suddenly curious. "Wait, Tee. Don't get upset okay? I'm with Calyx on this one," she admitted. "I don't understand it either."

"Understand what?"

"Why are you running away after everything that's happened?"

"It's complicated," I sighed.

"I don't see it," Andy insisted.

"Matt and I are still technically going out. He and Missy aren't technically broken up yet. And Andy, he's on the rebound so it wouldn't last. Our thing has been tainted. See? Again, technically, we cheated."

Andy was quiet for a moment. "I dunno, Tia. Maybe. But are you even exclusive with Matt?"

I shook my head. "We never talked about it."

"Well, you have to tell him eventually and see if he still wants to keep seeing you."

"Oh crap," I moaned. "I haven't even thought about that yet. Oh man."

"Tell Calyx this- for someone so vanilla, this is so complicated." She chuckled.

"You're making it sound worse."

"Sorry," she said half heartedly. "I just meant this is new, this is so not you, Tia. I never have thought you would be somehow caught in the middle of something like this. I rather find it amusing."

"I'm glad you're entertained," I said with sarcasm.

"No," she said defensively. "No, no. Forgive me Tee. I just didn't expect this side of you."

"Let's talk about me moving in with you," I told her.

"Alright, alright," Andy smiled. "My sister's in town for three weeks. You can move in then."

"Three? I told Calyx I can move out in a week."

"I'll talk to him to wait three weeks. Besides, you can tell him yourself that if he won't let you stay, you'll have to crash at Matt's until you can move in with me. I'm sure Calyx wouldn't want you at Matt's, would he?"

I considered it for a bit and agreed with her logic. "Good point."

Andy went quiet for a few seconds. She looked thoughtful.

"You should talk to Calyx, Tee. I think he's right about you pushing him away."

"It's over Andy. It's too complicated. Matt will be hurt and not to mention Missy."

"So it's okay to hurt Calyx and yourself instead?"

I stared at her blankly.

"I thought so."

"I can't."

Andy shrugged. "Think about it. From what I've heard, you both could end up being happy. Together."

I looked away.

"Hey. You ready to go?" She asked.

"Yeah," I responded absentmindedly.

"I'll drop you off."

And with that, we gathered my things, left the coffeeshop and walked the streets of Manhattan to Calyx's place.

***************************

I was very much disappointed when I came home to an empty apartment. Despite the fact that I've been dreading having to deal with Calyx and his fits, I still looked forward seeing the jackass.

I made my way to my room and sat on my bed, leaving my things scattered on the floor. I looked around. It looked the same but oddly unfamiliar. I looked around, adjusting to my old surroundings. My eyes fell on the framed photo of me and Calyx on top of my side dresser.

I studied his gorgeous face. He had downturned hazel eyes, sandy brown hair, bushy bar eyebrows, ski jump nose and a strong chin and a slightly wide, pursed mouth. He was tall and had a swimmer's body- lean muscular built.

There were butterflies fluttering in my stomach when images of Calyx flashed inside my mind. I tried to calm myself down to no avail.

I decided to walk around the house, my home for a few years now. I reached the living room. It was a bit cluttered- his laptop sat on the coffee table with the lid up, a bottle of half emptied Gatorade and empty packs of pudding.

I was about to call housekeeping when I noticed the telephone blinking, indicating receipt of unheard voice messages.

The first two was Calyx's buddies, inviting him out, another was leaving a new number. The third one was Calyx himself.

*Tee, it's me. I'm sorry I'm not home right now. I'm taking care of some stuff but I will be back before dinner, so please wait for me. You can call for take out, whatever you want. Okay? I'll see you when I get home.*

There was a definite drumming on my chest. As much as I'd like to deny it, I felt elated and excited.

I decided to finally call housekeeping to tidy up the place while I took a nap. I wanted to feel and look fresh when he came back.

After an hour, I got up, took a shower and slipped into a yellow baby t-shirt and a pair of white shorts. I even took time to pull my hair up in to a nice bun, slap on cc cream on my face, put on mascara and lip gloss.

I checked myself in the mirror. I looked fine. Satisfied with myself, I checked my watch. He will be home at approximately an hour so I decided to call for the take out.

I turned on the TV in the living room. I was laughing out loud, watching The Big Bang Theory on TiVo when the buzzer sounded. The food came. I set the containers on the center table and went back to watching my favorite sitcom.

An hour has passed and still no Calyx. I became antsy but held myself together. I watched more TV.

A loud growl escaped my stomach after two more shows. I checked the clock above the television. two hours and he was still a no-show.

I couldn't help it any longer so I decided to call his cell. No luck. It kept going straight to voicemail. After leaving two messages, I gave up and decided to just patiently wait even though I was beginning to worry.

At ten o'clock, I my hunger has passed and I felt sleepy. I did a swift sweep of the living room and called it a night. I went to bed in frustration; anxious and disappointed.