Too Bad, Baby

TIA: SECRETS

CHAPTER 2

"Why didn't you tell me?"

I found him sitting on the front porch, smoking.. It was a rowhouse. Next door was my parents'. And on the other side was my brother's. On our first day, my sweet mom made lunch for everyone. We caught up little by little, on breakfasts and dinners, during which Calyx was either gone or sleeping through the day.

I lit up a stick of my own and joined him.

Silence.

"I don't wanna talk about it." He said after a long pause.

"Okay, I'll just stay here and be with you then."

He puffed a smoke and said nothing.

I looked at the blurry image of the house across the street. The rain has diminished into drizzle, and left quite a haze.

We sat in silence as we finished our cigarettes. We gazed into nothingness.

He broke the silence for what seemed to be an eternity.

"I don't have to tell you anything."

"Right."

"I'm leaving first thing in the morning."

I shook my head, said nothing.

"Drop me at the airport at seven."

Still, not a word.

"You hear me?"

I shrugged. "Fine."

"Fine?" He snapped.

"Yes, fine."

"You suck."

"I know."

"That's it?"

"Yep." I said flatly. "And you suck too."

"See, this is why I don't tell you anything!"

"And what is this?"

"You never say anything to make me feel better! Instead, you make me even more upset than I already am!"

"And dinner's ruined."

"Is that all you care about? Dinner?"

"As of the moment, yes."

"Unbelievable!" He said furiously. "You care about dinner but you don't care about my dead unborn child!"

I looked at him.

"I asked you why didn't you tell me sooner." I said warily. "And all you cared about is going back to New York."

"So it's my fault?"

"No, honey, it's not your fault you lost your baby."

I heard him sniff a little.

"I don't understand." He sounded tired. "I told her we should keep the baby. I was gonna marry her."

"What did she say when you told her that?"

"She said she's not sure she wants a husband at this point, let alone a baby. She'd think about

it and will let me know. I told her I didn't want her to terminate her pregnancy. I said, I'd keep the child if she doesn't want to raise a kid."

"How far along was she when you found out?"

"Six weeks."

"When did she do it?"

"Just before I started drinking."

"And w*****g around."

"What the hell?!"

"Did that help? Getting laid and getting drunk?"

"Why? Why do you do that?. See why I didn't tell you?"

"No, what I don't understand is why would you get laid and get drunk first then tell me and Not the other way around?"

"Well now, I'm telling you!"

He looked at me in disbelief.

"Let's talk instead."

"So, have you broken up with Missy?"

"No. I couldn't even if I wanted to," he said truthfully. "She said it's been pretty hard for her after the termination and she wanted me to stay with her. So I did. Remember when I called you saying I had to go to New Jersey for a few days on business?"

I nodded.

"I stayed with her. I was so angry at her but I couldn't tell her how mad I was. I wanted to yell at her and break up with her but I can't. She was in pain too. And we never talked about it."

He went on, "And after that, it was back to normal. Like nothing happened. She went on about business as usual. We went to the studio and she signed her contract for the next season. I didn't."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because, I can't work with her anymore. At least for now. I took a break. I was getting bored anyway."

"So you quit the show for good?"

"I told them I'm going for an indefinite leave, but who knows? My agent will find me something else anyway when we get back home."

"What about Missy? Does she know?"

"I've been dodging her calls since we left. I haven't forgiven her yet. "

Against my will, I had to say something. "Maybe you should talk to her when we get back. You said it, it's pretty rough for her too. Give her another chance."

"I don't know," he replied. "In my own time. Can we please not talk about this anymore until I'm ready?"

"Okay." I gave him a hug. "Now can we please have dinner?"

"Okay."

We were heading inside the house and he suddenly jerked my hand to stop.

"Before we eat, can you please tell me one thing I don't know about you? You know, leverage and all for keeping this thing quiet. " He said abruptly.

I thought for a moment and came up with nothing at first. And before I could stop myself, I said, "I'm in love with you."

We stared at each other for a moment, and just when I was about to lean in and kiss him, Calyx roared with laughter.

"Good one, Tia. Thanks. I needed that laugh."

*****************************************

Coming home from my mom and dad's after breakfast, I walked towards my front porch, looking for my pack of ciggies from last night. I lit one up and sat on the top step and thought about last night's news.

We had a quiet dinner. Both of us tried to have a normal conversation about our upcoming movie night in Manhattan. Our conversation died out very quickly. We did the dishes in silence. And we both went to bed, after wishing each other good night.

I couldn't believe I didn't notice he was in the middle of his breakdown until just last night. Once I knew about it, I saw pure sadness in his eyes. I felt guilty that he had to go through it alone for several days. I felt selfish, remembering how I always snapped at him whenever his mind seemed to be all over the place.

Not once have I asked him what was going on, thinking he was just being extra annoying. And when I decided I couldn't take it anymore, I threw a fit, demanding I take a break for 2 straight weeks here in Canada.

I felt terrible.

I threw away the remains of my cigarette. And for a moment, I just sat there, thinking of ways I could help him get through this ugly situation. I thought about what to tell him, what I think would make things better, and easier.

I thought about enabling him to party harder, pick up more women until he feels nothing.

Did I really want him to feel nothing? Did I really wanna numb his feelings and hope that he would wake up one morning, feeling whole again?

No. It was a horrible idea. I had nothing to offer him. After all, what do you really tell someone who just lost an unborn child?

All I could ever do is just be there for him and stop him from making stupid mistakes. I considered asking my mom about it but in respect to Calyx's privacy, I decided against it.

I stood up and went inside the house. I heard no signs of Calyx being awake so I went back to my room and found my old, working personal cell. I had two, one for business (Calyx's work stuff) and one private phone for my family and close friends.

I thought about Andy, one of my oldest and best girls before Calyx. We went to high school and came to New York together. She's now a rising literary agent in the city and lives a short train ride away from me. I haven't been able to see her for almost a month now so I decided to give her a ring. At that point, I wanted to talk to her about anything else to keep my mind off my dilemma.

"Hey," I greeted her. "How are you, Andy? I've missed you!"

"Hey stranger," she responded cheerfully. "I miss you too! I've been calling you at home but I always get the machine. Where are you anyway? You owe me coffee!"

"Sorry, Andy." I apologized. "I'm here in Toronto with my family. Long story."

"Really? Calyx let you get away finally? You should've told me! We should've gone home together!"

I sighed. "He's here with me."

"What?" She sounded surprised. I imagined her eyes go wide in surprise.

Andy Conti is very pretty. Naturally tan, she stood five foot six, and she wore her black hair long. She had an athletic body, complete with long legs. And smart. She loves partying and going out on dates. Currently, she's seeing a guy from work, whom she's been dying for me to meet.

"Yeah. I told you long story."

"I've got time, Tia. All the time in the world."

I smiled, felt relieved at the familiar sound of her voice. She was the one person I told everything. "Can I pass?"

"Not a chance."

"I was just stressed out too much, I guess. And Calyx didn't help. So I told him I'm going home and he can't stop me."

"That bad, huh."

"Yes. He didn't stop me alright. He just went with me."

"I told you I would take your manuscripts to my publishers and you could do well writing novels instead of that assistant gig of yours."

I write a lot. On my spare time, I read, or watch TV, but mostly, I try to write as much as I can, and I've managed to finish five different rom-com manuscripts over the years. I wanted to give her my stuff, but I didn't want to let go of my job just yet. And Calyx too. I knew once I gave in, there would be no stopping of our inevitable separation.

I knew I wasn't ready to leave Calyx yet. I was terrified of us, drifting apart, and finally realize one day that we're back to being strangers.

"I told you, I haven't fine tuned them yet," I lied.

"Yeah right," she said. "Seriously? You're still not over Calyx? What happened to dating?"

"I'm sort of seeing someone, but I'm not sure if there's gonna be another date. I'm swamped most of the time. And I'm so over Calyx."

Okay, so maybe I didn't like Missy because I liked Calyx ( which was truly an understatement). I made a mistake of telling Andy that I fancied him. At first I insisted that it was just a crush and it would go away. Not until after I told her about it, it became real. Or perhaps it has been real for so long that I just finally let myself accept it. She had been persistent about me quitting my current job and move in with her instead. She even offered to help me find another decent paying job at her company.

"Oh please, Christianna. I know you long enough to not fall for that. All I'm saying is he's already with Missy and you have to move on. It's not healthy. I mean, Calyx is a great guy and has become a good friend too, but he doesn't see you the way you want him to. And you won't be able to move past that while playing house with the guy."

"Andy," I objected. "I don't expect him to look at me in that way. I just want to be-"

She cut me off. "Be with him. Be there for him, hoping that one of these days, he'll finally tell you he loves you back. Come on, Tia. You know better that. "

"I don't-"

"You do. You still do. You could've moved out after a few months and just work for him but no, you have to live with him too. I even offered you my spare room, which by the way is still available if you change your mind."

I ran out of excuses.

"Move in with me," she insisted. "Don't make a fool out of yourself."

"He and Missy just broke up. Well sort of."

She said nothing.

"It's not that I'm gonna swoop in and be the rebound," I explained. "He needs a friend. And that's all I'll ever be anyway. I owe him, Andy. Give me more time. I promise I'll move in with you as soon as he survives the break up."

She exhaled, clearly frustrated. "Two months. Or I'm subletting the room to someone else."

I gave in. I wasn't gonna win the argument anyway. "Two months," I confirmed.

"Wait, why did they split?"

"I can't tell you just yet," I said. "But I promise I will tell you everything when I get back. You gotta pick us up at the airport though."

"Sure. E-mail me your flight details," she agreed.

"We'll get coffee after dropping Calyx at home. And I'll catch you up."

"Take care. Don't do anything stupid."

"You too. Gotta go."

I hang up.

*************************

Pancakes.

I made pancakes for breakfast. It's already half past nine in the morning. After a quick shower, I decided to go baby steps in making Calyx feel a bit better day by day, and pancakes might be a good idea. And juice. Load him up with lots of sugar to start his day.

I was almost finished setting up the table when he appeared on the archway. His hair was still a mess, a clear sign he just rolled out of bed.

"Morning," I awkwardly greeted him, not sure about giving him a smile. After all, it might appear to be too chirpy too soon for somebody who was still grieving.

Surprisingly, he smiled. "Morning! Mmm. Pancakes!" He sat down and reached for a couple of pancakes.

I sat across the table, poured juice on my glass, not saying a word. I smiled a little.

"Aren't you gonna eat?"

"Mom made breakfast earlier," I told him.

He nodded, smiling with a mouthful of cake. "These are great. Thank you. It's very thoughtful of you."

I took a sip of my juice. I still didn't have any idea what to say. I watched him eat, and eat some more.

"We should go out. I'll take a shower and let's go out."

"Where do you wanna go?"

"I'm not sure yet. Let's go out for a drive. Let's see where we'll end up."

"Okay."

He finished his last pancake and stood up. "I'll be ready in fifteen. Bring your go-bag. Road trip!"

With that, he ran upstairs and left me with the dishes. I called my mom afterwards and told her briefly that I needed to go with Calyx for a day maybe on the road. I told her I will call her in the car and on our way back.

I stuffed my go-bag in the backseat of the car. I hurried upstairs to change into my denim jeans and a plain white shirt. Over it, I put on my tan leather jacket, pulled my hair back in a ponytail, slipped in my gray moccasins and grabbed my new smartphone and my old cell. I stuffed them both in my navy satchel.

I waited in the living room downstairs. After a few minutes, Calyx came down, carrying his own go-bag. For a second, he looked happy. Like me, he wore his denims, a red hoodie and a pair of black Chuck Taylors.

"Come on," he said, taking the keys from the coffee table and walked straight towards the door. "I'm driving."