Jacob
1002 Words
(suicidal thoughts/attempt)
I feel an odd sense of deja vu as I’m walking down a busy street. I don’t remember how I got here.. But I know the street, and subliminally just go on as if it’s a force of habit. It all comes to me in a rush- that’s right, I just graduated college last season.. It’s winter and I’m on my way home.
‘Is it even worth it?’ I think to myself. I had an apartment- if that’s even what it qualified as. It was an absolute mess- which, I’ll admit, was partially my fault.. But, the shitty foundation and overall condition wasn’t.
I stuff my hands into the pockets of a hoodie I was wearing, idly fidgeting with a rubber band I had forgotten was in there.
Everything got a whole lot harder as soon as I had to move out of the dorms from college. I didn’t have a roommate to help with living costs, and I was burdened with debt.
‘Damn loans, should’ve just worked harder and paid out of pocket..’
I stop in my tracks and look around. I see that there’s a bus stop- oh, yeah, couldn’t get a car either. I could drive just fine, and I even had a license, but..
‘I wonder what even happened to my classmates.’ I pondered as I stood at the bus stop- I knew by repetition that the second bus was what I had to get on. Something in my gut told me that I wouldn’t be getting on though.. So why couldn’t I move from my spot?
I vaguely remember some orange-haired nerd. Him and his long-haired friend.. What were their names again?
…There I go checking my phone to look busy as someone else passes by me. Huh, it’s Tuesday. Tuesdays suck. 4:33pm, guess the first bus is running late.
‘Doesn’t matter to me. It’s not like there’s anything I do that’s important anyway..’
I catch myself in this dark mindset, but my awareness doesn’t seem to override it. Odd..
Back into my memories, I recall my friends.. Friends? ..whoever they were- I remember them introducing me to another guy. I guess we hit off pretty well- and that other one too, from senior year..
Where were they? I felt like I had known them all for years, and maybe even had a deeper relationship with a couple of them.
‘So why am I here and not with them?’
My thoughts are cut short and pulled back to the current situation- at the bus stop. I can see the first bus coming from far down the street.
It shows no sign of slowing- this wasn’t one of it’s stops, of course.
There’s that feeling in my gut again.
A thought swarms my mind as I watch the moving vehicle;
‘Walk into it.’
And my feet just start moving. I have no control over my body. Every nerve within me is telling me to go back and stand at the corner- to wait for my bus and go home.
But that’s not what the future has planned for me, now is it?
The bus doesn't slow- not until the driver seems to realize that I’m not moving from the middle of the street.
The driver makes a sudden turn to try and avoid me, but the rear ends up smashing right into me as it hits a building. All I can feel is pain- fire shooting through me as skin tears from one of my arms.
‘Where’d that go, by the way?’
A sense of numbness overtakes me as I lay on the pavement now- my right arm torn from its socket. Something in my stomach feels like it’s been crushed.. And I’ve gone blind? I can’t see anymore- trying to see is nothing but pain.. Especially in the right eye. I can’t feel my legs- but, I can hear screaming.
‘Why?’
Next thing I know, I’m awake. I still can’t see, but there’s a heavy weight on my right shoulder. I have no idea where I am- but something tells me I’m in the hospital.
‘I survived?’
That’s right.. I survived that stupid, impulsive, mistake. And what was the cost?
Light fills my eyes as I can suddenly see again- it’s a weird experience. At first it’s only bright- and not like a blank white sort of bright. Just.. bright? It’s hard to describe… But, soon blobs of color come in- and then shapes and depth.. It's so weird seeing everything almost pop into existence..
I hear a voice, but I don’t register the words- I’m too focused on what I’m seeing and feeling.
So many thoughts are running through my mind, like ‘how’ and ‘is this even real?’. There was one that stuck out to me though, as I came to fully see my surroundings. I could see the mess that I was- a metallic arm in place of where I had a real one, and so many wires attached to me.. A chunk of my belly was gone- also replaced by something metallic. My legs were in casts, and my right eye was covered by a cloth.
‘This isn’t what I wanted’
A sudden pain shoots through my shoulder and I yell out reflexively. Since when was my voice so coarse? I see a nurse or some sort of doctor at my side and their expression is just blank while they look through what I think is my vitals.
“Lucky man. It’s a wonder how you survived that crash.” They commented and I’m at a loss for words. ‘Lucky..? They must not know the situation..’
I close my eyes and laugh to myself- this isn’t as painful as I remember it.
Remember? But this is the first time this has happened to me, isn’t it?
A moment passes and as soon as I open my eyes, I’m back at the bus stop.
‘Just a regular Tuesday.. Huh?’
- Writer
