You Are Enough

Chapter 1 - The Split

We enjoy our lives even without kids but after 15 years I couldn't take all that stuff surrounding my marriage anymore (it's not a case of cheating, financial problems have to hit us it's more that we drifted apart, do our own thing, and not feeling the love that we used to have anymore, I felt empty, & my husband flat out refused to address the issues until it was too late) begging and crying for a divorce, my man was prone to not wanting a divorce. But eventually, we divorced too. He has that kind of air about him, I don't want to live with him anymore, I don't have the power to persuade him anymore. Get divorced. That’s it!

My father-in-law was not very healthy from the beginning, but after we divorced his health deteriorated, he was in and out of the hospital, and sometimes even eating was needed to be persuaded. Normally, we go to PIL's house once every 2 to 3 days, sometimes we cook dinner, eat together, return home around 9-10 pm, and sometimes spend our night there. But when I got divorced, I distanced myself, I broke all those routines, and I wanted to move on, during the recovery period I already moved out from our marital home, tendered my resignation, and wanted to do something of my own. But humans plan, Allah also plans, and Allah is the best planner.

Near the end of the recovery period, my ex-husband came to see me, I can still remember his words in verbatim "I swallow all my pride today just to say this to you, but my father is not doing well & I need you, for his sake. I'm not asking u to get back to me. That ship has sailed (I supposed haha). I just want you to go to the hospital. And I won't take no for the answer." Sounds very persistent doesn’t he?

When I arrived at the hospital, FIL looked sick. While crying, he hugged me, “It's been a long time since I saw you”. Discharged that evening, and my ex asked me to stay at PIL's house for several days, to accompany his father. I want to refuse at first, but I pity the in-laws. At that point, as if he no longer has the will to fight. I have an emotional struggle that I don't know how to talk about. I have no problem being devoted to my in-laws even though I no longer have a bond with their son because all this time my in-laws have been very good to me. It's just hard, because we want to move on, but our surroundings are full of things that remind us of him. Indeed, he didn't stay there, but I have been in his room, sleeping on his bed, it's his freaking childhood bedroom, it's a lie if I don't feel anything, even though we look cool on the outside. My mother kept calling and said, “Both of you were divorced, what are you doing sitting at someone else's house, you have your own house”. My mother being a total drama queen will never understand that, nor try to understand the situation that I was in.

After 2 weeks, I asked my ex if I could come back to my house, because my FIL is looking better, not 100% yet, but much better than before. My ex didn't allow me and asked for an extension day again until his father's condition is really good, and I don't have to worry about money (this time I have already resigned, and my new projects haven't had time to start anything yet, I live with savings only, marital assets are few but it has not yet been finalized who gets what, so financially I was pretty stuck) he will take care of everything, all my monthly commitments that I have paid myself during the marriage, including my alimony, he will continue to give it, “Just consider the alimony as a reward for taking care of my father”, he said (this is a pretty big move on his part, because I know his finances, not that cash-rich even to bear everything at once, he has to dig up his savings, or there are assets he has to let go), I don't bother doing anything, just sitting there and accompany his father is enough. “For as long as you live under this roof, I’ll make sure you won't go hungry,” he said. Do you see his game? Haha.

The time is almost over. Since the beginning of my stay there, I used to avoid seeing him, let alone talking, except for important things. And he too respected my boundaries. If I'm in his room upstairs, he won't come up. If he wants to rest, he will go to the guest room downstairs. Although he rarely spoke, I could see he was miserable, as he was back to his smoking habit. He was still angry at me for refusing to work things out (it was already too late then, as I already made up my mind) & insisting on the divorce & yet he couldn't get me out of his life, due to his father. He is the type who gets angry with me, he was more silent when I was there in the early days, that's how it was, sometimes, when he craved to eat something that I usually cooked for him, he told his nephew to deliver to me. It’s stupid, why do you have to use the middle one to tell me what you want?

I also tried to talk slowly with his father, to just let me find my happiness, but every time I tried, the old man's tears started to pool.

As time goes by, being my father-in-law's healing companion for almost 3 months, even though my heart is full of gulity. Sometimes a guilty conscience comes, were we living in sins? How can you avoid eye contact, the house is not that big. There was a time in the evening when I went downstairs to drink, and I thought that he had gone to his home but he was still at the dining table in front of the laptop doing some work, where he had a Google Meet videocall with the offices in the African region, he wouldn't say a thing but he had that “thought”. I know my faith is not that strong. There are times when the two of us have to do the carpool, and the heavy silence & the s****l tensions throughout the journey, kills me over & over again, every time. There are times when we are accidentally touched, especially when we are taking care of his father… those little things~

To be continued~