chapter one: Where I Was Not Enough
848 Words
Loving someone who is attracted to someone else…
is a kind of torture that never really ends.
Sabi nila, loving means letting go.
Pero ang hirap… lalo na kung buong buhay mo, siya lang ang lalaking minahal mo nang ganito.
I am Honey Grace…
a married woman who is tired—tired of living in lies.
Naniniwala pa rin ako na baka someday, somehow, matutunan din niya akong mahalin… kahit konti.
Kung itatanong niyo sa’kin, what is love?
Masasagot ko—hindi ko alam.
I’ve never felt it… not even from my own family.
They loved my sister, my older brother, even my adopted sister…
but somehow, they forgot me.
And now…
even my own husband feels like a stranger.
Cold. Distant.
Parang wala lang ako.
I felt so alone.
One day, I saw him—
my husband—being so emotional over my adopted sister.
The way he looked at her…
like she was everything I was never meant to be.
And it killed me.
But instead of making a scene… I left.
For a week,
I chose silence.
I chose distance.
I chose to disappear.
And then I met Rico—
a simple farmer,
carrying the same kind of pain I had.
We found comfort in each other.
Sa mga usapan namin, sa mga katahimikan na pareho naming naiintindihan…
unti-unti, gumaan.
Unti-unti, nakalimutan ko kung gaano kasakit ang lahat.
For a while… I thought maybe, this is what love feels like.
Or at least… something close to it.
A 3 months passed.
And slowly, tinanggap ko na—wala na talaga.
Na kami ni Yohan… hindi kailanman naging “kami.”
But just when I was starting to feel whole again…
Rico’s girlfriend came back.
And just like that—
I was set aside.
Again.
So I went back…
back to the man who never chose me.
And the only thing he said was—
“Bumalik ka pa.”
No warmth.
No relief.
Just those words.
And everything… went back to where it started.
Except me.
Because somewhere between leaving and coming back…
I changed.
And even now—
kahit nandito ako—
Rico still lives in my heart.
..............
When she left me, I thought I was finally free…
like a bird escaping a cage it had been trapped in for so long.
I thought it was just another one of her tantrums.
She usually leaves for two or three days… then comes back like nothing ever happened
But now? I don’t know anymore.
I should be happy, right?
She doesn’t have feelings for me anymore—
this is what I wanted… isn’t it?
So why does it hurt like this?
Every time she looks at me now,
it feels like I’m slowly breaking apart.
As if I’m no longer someone she once loved…
Just… another man.
A stranger.
A roommate living in the same space,
but no longer a part of her world.
I see her… I talk to her once in a while, but she’s like a cold, distant queen now.
She just stares into nothing most of the time… lost somewhere I can’t reach.
After she had been gone for so long, I followed her…
And that’s when I saw it—
that smile.
The same sweet smile that used to be mine…
now given to another man.
She was happy.
I wanted to pull her away… to take her home, back where she belongs.
But somehow… it felt like I couldn’t reach her anymore.
Like she wasn’t mine to take back.
So… I did something desperate.
I talked to his ex—Maureen.
I paid her… just to get him back.
And one day… she came home.
But even when she returned,
I knew… a part of her stayed with him.
The first time I saw her again, she was asleep on the couch.
I wanted to hold her… to kiss her… to feel close to me again…
but I couldn’t.
I couldn’t even bring myself to touch her.
God… I miss her so much.
When she came back, I started going home early.
Because when she was gone… I practically lived at the office.
There was no one waiting for me anyway.
You know what I realized?
I only understood how important she was… when she was already gone.
About two weeks after she left,
our home felt empty… lifeless… dark.
And then it hit me—
every time I used to come home, she was always there…
waiting for me…
with that soft, sweet smile that used to be the first thing I saw.
But that night…
I came home past midnight…
and there was nothing.
Just silence—
the kind of silence I once thought I wanted.
Two weeks before our wedding anniversary,
I decided I wanted to celebrate it… properly this time.
So I planned everything.
Something romantic—
the kind of love she had always wanted to feel from me.
Funny, isn’t it?
I only thought of giving it to her… when she was already slipping away.
Sigh…
God… I miss her so much.
....................
- Writer
