Disharmony

Beautiful Mess

She finished her box of chocolate covered raisins before the movie even began, though she shouldn’t have been surprised, seeing as it wasn’t as though she’d ever made movie theater candy last through an entire film. Xavier, on the other hand, was having no such problem, mostly because he’d gotten the largest tub of popcorn imaginable and was currently washing down all that salty, buttery goodness with sips of his jumbo sized root beer.

“Aren’t we going to dinner after this?” She asked, leaning over the arm of her chair to whisper into his ear because all of the house lights had just dimmed and she wasn’t in the mood to be on the receiving end of a whole bunch of angry stares. It was date night, which meant the plan for the evening was a spy movie and a Korean barbeque restaurant afterwards, except that Xavier seemed to be determined to ruin his appetite.

“Yep,” he mumbled through a mouthful of popcorn. “I’m just hungry. Don’t worry, though, I’ll still be able to eat dinner.”

“I wasn’t worried,” she lied, letting out a soft laugh and wishing she had his metabolism, unable to keep from smiling as she watched him shove as much popcorn in his mouth as could realistically fit.

Thus far, dating Xavier was so surreal that she felt as though everything they did needed to be set against a background of sweet, romantic music. But she was starting to wonder if that was only the case because they were never really out in public. They would hang out together in the dressing room and spend the nights in each other’s hotel rooms, but they didn’t have much time off to do normal couple things.

Date night had been Xavier’s idea. He thought that they could use some time away from the tour and he was itching to get out of the hotel, so when they arrived to the next concert city a day early, he suggested they go out on the town. She had agreed because she loved the childish glint of excitement and his eyes and because she loved him, which meant that she would do pretty much anything to make him smile, but it made her nervous. Because all that raced through her mind was one terrifying thought: that after all they had been through to get to this point, they would discover that the reality of their relationship didn’t live up to the fantasy in their heads.

She let herself enjoy the movie. It was action packed and hilarious and allowed her to get her mind off of all the questions rattling around in her brain for a couple hours, but when it was over, that weight came rushing back.

“s**t,” Xavier muttered as they exited the theater, stopping in the center of the cinema lobby and reaching out to touch Kari’s wrist with his finger.

She furrowed her brow, squinting through to figure out what he’d seen. “What?”

“Paparazzi,” he sighed, moving his hand to press against hers and intertwining their fingers.

“Unbelievable,” she said, smoothing back her hair from her forehead in frustration. “We specifically chose a movie theater nowhere near our hotel and they still found us.”

Pressing his lips together, he nodded, squeezing her hand and turning his head towards her to whisper in her ear. “It’s okay. I’m right here. I’ll keep you safe. Just stay close to me.”

So she did. She clung to his side as they stepped through the theater’s front door, squeezing his hand with more force than necessary and using her free hand to hold on to his bicep as he guided her through the swarm of flashing lights and yelling.

It wasn’t as though she’d never been in this situation before and didn’t know how to react. She was a celebrity; there were paparazzi following her constantly. Usually, she hid behind dark sunglasses or a completely blank expression because, despite having been the subject of tabloid fodder for years, the cameras still terrified her. She wished she could be one of those famous people who always looked put together and friendly and smiled at the paparazzi as though having dozens of people snap pictures of her while she did her grocery shopping was completely normal. But she was scared, and the only way she knew how to mask that fear was to remain stone cold.

Except, now she had Xavier. Xavier, who absolutely hated this part of his fame, who despite being a platinum selling artist, always managed to remain grounded and humble and completely carefree. And just like he always seemed to do, he was keeping her strong, holding her close to let her know that he would be there if she faltered and lost her balance.

It wasn’t until after they’d entered the restaurant in which they were eating dinner that she wondered if what had just happened was a turning point in their relationship. Up until now, they hadn’t been photographed together in public. But by allowing Xavier to take her hand and lead her through the crowd, she had all but confirmed that they were together, which meant she had opened him up to an entirely new level of scrutiny and he had no idea what was coming.

“Are you gonna tell me what’s bothering you?” he asked when they returned to her hotel room, pressing his back against the closed door and staring at her expectantly.

She lifted her eyebrows in surprise as she responded, though she already knew the answer to her question. “Why would you think anything’s bothering me?”

“Because believe it or not, Kar, I kinda know you a little.” He let out a small laugh as he spoke, but his tone held no humor. And why would it? Xavier wasn’t dumb and he’d always been able to see right through her, so of course she wouldn’t be able to hide her concern about their new relationship status from him.

Wetting her lower lip, she began to chew on it nervously as she perched herself on the arm of the couch. “Right.”

“So?” he encouraged, nodding for her to continue.

“I’m just…scared, I think,” she said quietly, scratching her nails against the leather couch lightly.

His expression remained unreadable. “Of what?”

“Of this. Of us.”

She knew that wasn’t a particularly specific response, so of course he still looked confused when he asked, “Why?”

“I don’t know…,” she pushed herself off the couch and began to pace. “I just don’t want it being so public to change this, to change us.”

That was really her biggest fear about them taking their relationship public. Media attention had a way of molding people into entirely different human beings and she didn’t want all of those outside opinions affecting what they had. Xavier was one of the better things in her life and she wanted to keep it that way.

“Why are you so cynical?”

She hadn’t expected him to be so blunt, so she blinked in surprise as he took a step towards her, his eyes slowly sparking with fire. “I’m not. I’m realistic.”

“More like pessimistic,” he challenged.

“I just don’t live in this fantasy world where everyone lives happily ever after, Xavier,” she shot back, crossing her arms over her chest defiantly and decided that if he wanted to spar, she wasn’t backing down.

“Why is it so hard for you to believe that it’s not a fantasy?” he sighed, taking another step towards her. Reaching out, he tugged her hands from their crossed position to take them into his own, rubbing his thumb gently across her outer wrist. Softening his expression, he looked directly into her eyes as he spoke. “I’m real, Kar. All of this is real.”

“I know,” she whispered, realizing he didn’t all understand her terror. “And I think that’s what scares me the most.”

“What are you talking about?” he furrowed his brow in confusion, just as she expected.

“The worst part is that I really thought I could do this, you know?” she replied, not actually answering his question, removing her hands from his and stepping around him so that she could begin to pace. “That I could just date you and we could be a normal couple and everything would just be amazing.”

“But you don’t think that anymore?” he said so quietly that she could practically hear his heart beginning to crack.

Inhaling deeply, she turned to face him, sliding the bracelets on her wrist up and down her arm with her free hand and wondering why it was that the quietest words were always the ones that held the most truth. “I think that it all just seems too good to be true.”

“Do you ever think that maybe,” he said, keeping his gaze steady, “the reason something seems really good is because it actually is really good?”

Of course she hadn’t. Because the simplicity of that thought process had never been applicable to anything in her life. Her first manager had seemed great because he got into her dream business, but she soon found out that all he wanted was for her to look pretty and smile for the cameras while he raked in the money. At the time, Noah had seemed great too. He was older and mature and he knew the ways of the world, so the fact that he had focused his attention on her was a gift, until she realized that it wasn’t worth having if it came at the price of losing herself.

So no, she never saw the bright sides of situations or the good in people. But Xavier did, and that was one of the many reasons she loved him, so maybe it was time to try it his way. Maybe it was time to just nature take its course and hope that fate was in her corner.

“Oh, god, you’re right,” she sighed, shooting him an apologetic glance. “I am cynical.”

“Yeah,” Xavier laughed, seeming relieved that they were somewhat on the same page, “you are.”

“I’m sorry…,” she stepped forward, flattening her palms against his chest and scratching his t-shirt lightly with the pads of her fingers, “it’s just, I haven’t had the best relationships, you know?”

“Well, this is a good one, in case you were wondering,” he replied softly, bringing his hands to rest at her hips and squeezing lightly, his eyes flooding with sincerity. “I’m not gonna hurt you, Kar. I promise.”

“You can’t make a promise like that,” she shook her head, not wanting him to say something he would end up regretting.

“Yes, I can,” he assured her.

“No, you can’t,” she shook her head, “And I love you for thinking that, but…” she paused when she realized he was looking at her as though she put all of the stars in the sky. It made her temperature rise and her heart race, both sensations she wasn’t particularly used to feeling. “What?”

“You just said you loved me,” he replied, swaying from side to side, his grin growing with each passing second.

Scrunching her nose in confusion, she laughed. “It’s not like it’s the first time.”

“It’s still nice to hear,” he shrugged, leaning down to kiss her sweetly on the lips.

She rolled her eyes when they pulled apart, smacking him lightly on the chest. “You’re such a loser.”

“A loser that you love,” he shot back matter of factly.

“Can’t argue with you there,” she laughed, wondering if she’d ever understand him or if there was ever going to be someone else in the world who could make her feel like this: like she could conquer the world.

He smiled widely for a few more moments before his expression became serious and he pulled her against the length of his torso to ensure that he meant every word he said. “Look, you’re right, I can’t promise that I won’t break your heart, because I don’t know what’s going to happen between us, but I can promise that I will love you with all of my heart and if that’s not enough, then I don’t know…”

“It is,” she stopped him mid-sentence, moving her hands down his chest to encircle his waist and speaking to him with every ounce of sincerity coursing through her veins. “It is enough. You are enough.”