The D/s Blog

Chapter One-4

I don’t think there can be a male equivalent for a slut, because society doesn’t impose similar restraints on men. They can do as they please, and if they like something a little kinky in bed, then they are just being a bit of a lad. There’s no implication that in any sense they compromise themselves, whatever they do.

A girl once told me she’d gotten a new vibrator, a small one, easily secreted in her purse. Off the cuff, I said maybe that’s one definition of a slut, a woman with more than one vibrator. And then we got talking some more about what a slut was.

I guess there are other things that might qualify a girl for the title. If she’s ever sent naked pictures of herself to a guy, maybe? If she’s ever put lipstick on her n*****s. If she ever goes out in public without knickers. If she keeps wearing those high heels, even though she’s got a blister. If she’s been f****d by more than one guy in a single day. If in her fantasies she sometimes thinks not about just one c**k but about many. (But then that probably makes ninety per cent of women sluts, doesn’t it?) I could go on, but you get the general idea. Oh, and one more: if she reads my writing and wants to masturbate. I’m in favor of all these things, but especially the last one.

After I wrote about sluts, I got some interesting questions from readers. For example, must a slut have achieved a certain level of variety and numbers in her partners to be worthy of the term? I don’t know what’s meant by variety here. Does it mean, f*****g both tall men and short, both old and young, both plumbers and bankers, men with big c***s as well as those with small? As for numbers, it’s relative, surely. There are societies in which a woman who has had more than one s****l partner in her life is regarded as a slut, and not in the honorable sense we are talking about here. But I think that among young women in contemporary London, if you have had only one partner by the time you are thirty, you are regarded not as a good girl but as a freak, virtually a nun. I suppose I’d say that a true slut, the best kind, doesn’t think in terms of numbers. She’s not keeping score, because she thinks it doesn’t matter how many. And she believes there’s no such thing as too many, as long as you yourself feel good about the number.

Another reader asked at what age it’s emotionally safe for a woman to regard herself as a slut. This raises an important issue. I don’t think it would be right for teenage girls to consider themselves sluts, even in a positive way. A woman needs some self-knowledge as well as s****l experience before she ought to think of herself that way, and that can’t be acquired overnight. If a woman is a slut under twenty-five, maybe that’s not so good for her. If she’s not on the way to being a slut in her thirties, I think that’s a shame. What’s holding her back?

A submissive girl sometimes fears that if her Dom knows all the dirty things that are in her mind, he won’t respect her any more. He’ll just think she is a nasty little slut. Personally, there’s nothing I love more than a nasty little slut, but it has never stopped me giving a girl all the respect she wants. But what if the reverse is true? What if the Dom is so awed by her, thinks she is so wonderful that he can’t bring himself to make her do bad things any more? What if he wants to put her on a pedestal instead of putting her on her knees? That’s just as bad for her, isn’t it?

I guess some of the things that submissive girls want can seem pretty extreme, even shocking, if you are just starting out as a Dom. But we like to be frank here, and I’m going to list a few. I think any novice Doms out there should know the worst. I don’t know if there are any girls who want all of these things, but with each one I think I’ve known at least one girl who wanted it. So, look away now if you have illusions about the purity and high-mindedness of women.

She wants to be put in a corner with her bottom bared and made to wait till he scolds her for her stubbornness, her cheekiness, her brattishness. Until he lectures her on the need for obedience. Until he punishes her for speaking out of turn or for her dirty habits (fiddling with her cunt when she’s no right to). Until he decides to whip her recalcitrance out of her.

She wants to be called names: dirty little slut, filthy w***e, tramp, fucktoy, cunt...

She wants to be prostrate on the floor, writhing with unsatisfied lust, her cunt throbbing and drooling, whimpering and begging for release, pleading that he let her come. And then she wants to be denied. Or at least, half of her does.

She wants to be his darling little girl, his sweet little baby girl, his naughty little girl.

She wants to be debauched, degraded, defiled, and debased.

She wants to be exhibited to anyone he wants to show her to. She wants to be examined and inspected, prodded and probed. She wants to have her modesty outraged and her shame stripped away.

She wants to be buggered. She wants her ass to be penetrated, invaded, stretched, and violated. She wants her ass to be pounded by a big hard c**k. She wants to be his little ass-slut.

She wants to be tied up so tight she can’t move, then interfered with and subjected to all manner of indecencies.

She wants to be slapped and pinched and choked and hurt till she aches all over.

She wants him to f**k with her head.

But here’s the point. There’s one other thing I know for sure they all want, not instead of the above, but as well as. They want to be cuddled and kissed and loved and respected and valued. I don’t see a paradox here. On the contrary.

It’s what the Dom wants too, I hope. He wants a girl who wants those dirty things I’ve listed above, but who’s got self-respect, who’s independent and stands up for herself and doesn’t take s**t from guys and who knows how much she’s worth. He doesn’t want a doormat, because where’s the fun in degrading a girl who really thinks she’s worthless? But he doesn’t want a goddess either, stuck on a pedestal. One of the reasons he respects her is because she’s not afraid to admit to him what she is and what she wants. In fact, he wants her to be proud of it – proud to be a self-respecting slut.

Can You Be Too Submissive?

There are (at least) two kinds of problems that bother the submissive girl. On the one hand there is the worry that she is not submissive enough. However much she gives, she fears he still wants more, and she begins to wonder if she can ever give all that he demands. Some days she wakes up and she doesn’t feel very submissive, doesn’t know if this is really what she wants after all. Then (hopefully) the submissive feelings come rushing back and she remembers where her true satisfaction lies. Even so, there are things she’s never done before, never even thought about, but things which he’s talked about and seems intent on trying, and she doesn’t know if she can. She dreads being a failure.

And then there is a quite opposite set of worries. What if she is too submissive? A Dom might think, how is this possible? Surely he wants her to be just as submissive as she can be. The more she can take, the better he likes it. But what she worries about is, if she simply lets him do exactly as he pleases, never offers the slightest resistance but soaks up everything that is thrown at her, won’t he get bored with her? She thinks maybe the Dom enjoys a challenge, a girl who needs to be enticed, coaxed, maneuvered or even “forced” into doing what he wants. She thinks if she makes it too easy and never fights against his dominance he may lose interest. He doesn’t want a doormat, she surmises; perhaps he’s even said as much. She embraces her submission with open arms; but would he not prefer it if she were a bit skittish, not quite tamed, not too predictable?

I can’t tell you, from a Dom’s point of view, what is too submissive, or what is not submissive enough. You have to work these things out for yourself, through trial and error, with plenty of feedback. Every relationship is different. However, while it’s true that you cannot make a girl into a submissive if she’s not, it’s either in her or it isn’t, her submission may need a lot of drawing out. Of course, that’s where the fun is, teasing out just what you can get her to submit to, especially all those things she swore she’d never do but it turns out only needed to be put to her in the right way; perhaps in such a way that refusal no longer appears as an option. It’s amazing what you can get girls to do if you put them in the right frame of mind. So you can often find that a girl who worries that she may not be submissive enough is simply one you haven’t found the right approach for. I’m not saying even the most submissive girls don’t have their hard limits. Of course they do. But if you find you have come up against a limit, my advice is to circle round a bit and work away at something else, maybe something she hasn’t ever been asked to do, or something she turns up her nose at, but which, you sense, is not such a limit as she thinks it is. And then you might find, having got under her defenses with that particular taboo, she later proves vulnerable to the thing you originally thought you could never get her to do.

I don’t think there is really such a thing as a girl who is too submissive; there’s only a girl who hasn’t yet been asked to do the really difficult things. If either of you thinks she’s too submissive, then up the ante. Push harder against the places where she offers the most obdurate resistance, or against those places she never suspected would be the focus of an assault. If you are able to make a breach in her defenses, follow up by attacking an even more strongly fortified position, or one she thinks will never be discovered. Even the most seemingly submissive girl has a redoubt which she thinks safe from being overrun. When a girl says she’ll do anything, she may not be aware of the implications of what she’s said, perhaps because she hasn’t previously met a Dom who is prepared to make her do the unthinkable.

The Perfect Submissive?

More than once I’ve been asked, what does the Dom really expect of his submissive? One answer might be this: that he wants her to surrender utterly, totally, without reserve. His objective in training her is to lead her to that state of perfection in which all traces of resistance have been expunged, in which every last drop of stubbornness or hesitation has been purged. She wants only what he wants. Her own desires have become fused with his. She wishes only to serve, having renounced all claims to the ownership of her own desires. Without question, without allowing for the possibility that there even might be a question, she kneels, she bows the head, she submits, no matter how fast the tears are falling.

But a quite different answer might be this: that whatever the ultimate goal, in practice he relishes her resistance. Indeed he seeks it out, testing her constantly, searching for her limits and pushing against them. Perhaps in one field he may achieve a complete surrender. Say that once she had inhibitions about her ass, was shy of any approach to it, tried to shield it from his attentions. She felt shame if he should demand to inspect it, she would blush if he should insist on pushing his finger into her anus, still worse should he insist she wear a butt plug, making her conscious of being opened up to him, being forced to wear it as a badge of her submission, despite herself. But knowing how she shrinks from anal intimacy, he insists, and gradually trains her to an acceptance that her ass will be used by him as he pleases, no matter how she might protest. He knows that her reluctance is nothing but the modesty instilled in her from birth, and submissives have no right to such feelings. And then gradually, as he carefully and sensitively trains her to renounce her inhibitions, she grows to like his attentions to her ass, grows to look forward to his use of it, even if there are vestigial emotions of shame. And at last she may even develop into his little ass-slut, who craves the feelings of being owned that her butt plug gives her, who longs for his tongue there, his finger, and at last his c**k, so that she who once could hardly bear for him to look at her little rosette now freely offers herself to be buggered.